Thank you all so much for your support! I can't believe this story has officially hit 20 chapters, 100k words, and nearly 700 reviews. I am so happy to be writing again and all of you make me so happy I came back to this fandom.
On another note I miss Dawsey so damn much, and I am trying my best to follow the vision I always had for this story, but the lack of Dawsey on my TV makes me want then together in my stories... but there is a path I have always had set for this story and I am so excited to get there.
Enjoy!
Casey
"I'm still trying to wrap my head around it." Dawson says softly.
I nod, I felt the same way. "Me too, it's a lot for us to take in..."
Gabby gives me a look before cutting me off, "I'm not talking about me, Matt. I'm talking about you... I am talking about you working with Antonio behind my back. I am talking about you risking your life without ever talking to me about it. I am talking about you getting shot!" Gabby's voice raises as she stands up, putting space between us.
The look on her face kills me; I knew this conversation was a long time coming at this point, but when it didn't happen, I figured it wasn't going to. While I was in the hospital she had made off-hand comments about it but never had we had a real conversation about it. Almost two months later I guess it was finally high time for it.
"Gabby..."
"No, don't. I've been playing the week leading up to it in my head over and over. Trying to think if I did this. I lied and kept being pregnant from you, and you lied and kept this from me. I learned from those mistakes, and I regret keeping it from you, but God Casey, this..." She shakes her head and I watch the tears swimming in her eyes. "I keep playing waking up and having Kelly and Boden at our door." Her voice shakes and I go to say something to comfort her, to take that look that was killing me off her face, but she is raising her voice before I can.
"You could have died, Matt!" She yells. "You were shot... twice! You could have died, you could have left me and Jesse alone and God, I know we could lose you every single time to you run into a burning building, every time those bells ring. That is what we signed up for, but this? I didn't sign up for this! You can't just freelance out like you are a police officer or detective." Gabby takes a deep breath and sighs, running a hand through her curly hair and averting her eyes.
I knew this all had to have been on her mind for a while now. I knew she had to have been holding this in for weeks before finally letting it all spillover. I sigh, trying to find the right words. She was right, I knew she was angry at me. Angry for keeping this from her, angry for almost leaving her and our baby, angry for being so reckless with my life. I also knew that anger was stemming from fear, and after hearing about Gabby's condition, that was something I understood. Masking fear with anger, avoiding, deflecting. Some days I hated how much Gabby and I were alike.
"You don't think I didn't think about it? That I didn't think all those same things? Every time I run into a burning building; I think about the two of you! Do you think I didn't feel the same way when this was brought to me? You think I didn't try to get out of it, to avoid putting myself in a situation out of my control where I could get taken away from you two?" I yell back, my emotions getting the better of me.
I watch her flinch and I regret it immediately. My next response I try my best to keep my voice level, even as the frustration radiated off me. "You think I don't think about you every single time I run into a building? I told you once that I worried about you every single time those bells went off; the same thing happens when they go off for me. I can't imagine what losing you would do to me if the roles were reversed... you think I don't think about that when it comes to you? What it would do to you, and now what it would do to Jesse? You and Jesse are all I have thought about since you told me you were pregnant... don't you for a second doubt that."
I know my words are harsh, and I see her take them to heart and I heave a sigh. "I am sorry that I lied to you, that I hid this from you, but I didn't want to stress you out. Your scare after you told me you were pregnant, getting put on bed rest so early on in your pregnancy... it terrified me. All I have wanted to do is anything I possibly could to keep you stress-free and take care of you. You and Jesse are all that matter now." I take a deep breath, meeting her eyes now that are swimming with unshed tears. "Now more than ever." I say softly, not able to keep the emotion from my voice when I think about Gabby's condition and what it could mean for her and the baby.
Gabby shakes her head in response and I watch the tears she has been holding at bay slide down her cheeks. "We haven't fully talked about all this, what it means." I say gently. Hoping she was willing to move on from the topic of my shooting and on to the other topic we so desperately needed to talk about.
"I know we keep telling each other everything is going to be okay... but what..." Dawson chokes on her words and I have to hold back the tears gathering in my own eyes. "What if it is not, Matt?"
I'm not sure what the answer is here, the truth being that I had tried my hardest to not let myself think those thoughts. The fear nearly drowning me every time I did let my mind go there. Losing Gabby was something I never wanted to come face to face with. It was one thing when I had to think those thoughts on the job when we were running into burning buildings or a crazy call happened for ambo, but the thought of losing her from this? That thought was something I couldn't even begin to wrap my mind around.
"How did something that was so amazing, that brought so much happiness, turn into something that could completely turn everything upside down?"
I hadn't realized I had expressed my thoughts out loud until I hear the sob escape Gabby's lips.
It's then I finally look at her. Really look at her. I see how this has been affecting her, how she has pushed it away to focus on me. How she wasn't letting herself deal with it, to come to terms with this. I move myself to the coffee table and sit down in front of where she sat on the couch, grabbing her hands in mine.
"Talk to me." I whisper.
"I'm scared." She responds with a shuttering breath. "I am trying not to let my mind go to the worst, but I can't stop thinking about it." Gabby chokes over her next words, barely able to get them out. "I don't want to die." She cries.
My heart breaks, hearing her say those words nearly taking the wind out of me. Like Gabby, I was trying my best to push those thoughts away. The thought of losing her was enough to make me lose my breath and my chest to ache. Losing Gabby wasn't an option, it couldn't be.
My hands squeeze hers tighter. "I know I can't keep telling you that everything will be okay, because neither of us can promise that to each other, as much as I wish I could." Gabby nods, tears still streaming down her face that she doesn't attempt to wipe away. "I can't promise you anything, just like I know you can't promise me anything, but what I do know is that no matter what happens we will face it, just like we always have." It wasn't lost on me that I said we will face it... not we will face it together. I knew depending on what happened, this may be something we wouldn't be able to do together. This may be something I had to do alone.
Some days there was a bitter taste in my mouth when that thought hit me, today I pushed that away. I couldn't be bitter or angry, not at Gabby or this baby. At the world for allowing this to be our life? Maybe, but it wouldn't accomplish anything. Whether I liked it or not whatever was going to be would be, all I could do was hope and pray for the best.
Gabby nods, wiping at her tears quickly. "Tell me anyway and I'll believe you." She pleads so softly I barely hear her.
I smile gently, bobbing my head as I moved to the couch to sit beside her and pulled her into my arms tight. I cradled her as close as I could to my chest. "Everything will be alright." I whisper against her head and feel her nod against me.
The heavy silence engulfs us for a while as we sit and try to gain strength from each other. I knew this conversation wasn't over, but it was clear we needed a breather.
It's a solid 10 minutes later that Gabby speaks. I had thought she had drifted off, so her voice even as soft as it was, was enough to startle me slightly.
I have to lean in to hear her quiet words and once I do, a part of me wishes she had been asleep. "Promise me you'll take care of yourself..."
"Gabby..." I interrupt, my heart aching at her words, I desperately wanted to move on from this conversation. I could talk her down and through this, but myself? As unhealthy as I knew it was, the best way for me to face this was not facing it at all. I was deflecting, telling myself that it couldn't, wouldn't, come to that.
She cuts me off, resuming her thought. "Promise me no matter what happens to me you will take care of yourself. Jesse will need you. You are going to be an amazing father, I know it. Just take care of him, never let him doubt how much we both love him. Never let him doubt how much I loved him."
The pain in her voice makes me breathless, all I can do is nod knowing my voice would deceive me if I tried to respond.
"I promise." Is all I can muster.
Gabby leaves it at that and I am grateful. Now hoping we can move on from this part of our conversation. Another few minutes pass and Gabby finally pulls herself up from the couch, giving me a timid smile as she meets my eyes. I watch her brows furrow as she looks me over before taking me by surprise and placing a gentle kiss against my lips. She's up off the couch a second later, moving slowly to our bedroom.
I sit for a minute longer taking the moment in. I knew we needed to talk about us, about what we were, what this meant. We had told ourselves we were just friends and nothing more was going to happen between us right now. It had been months since that conversation, and I knew we needed to revisit it. With a heavy sigh, I lift myself from the couch and follow after her. I lean myself against the doorway and watch as she starts to remove the decorative pillows from the bed and pulls the sheets down.
My tongue runs along my teeth as I try to find the right words, my lips still tingling from her sweet kiss. "We uh... I think we still need to talk about this..." Gabby turns to me with furrowed brows, "About us; what all this means." I clarify.
She goes back to moving the pillows but I know she has acknowledged my words when she lets out a soft chuckle. "Out of all the conversations, this is the one I thought I could avoid for a bit longer."
I tilt my head to the side, hoping she will elaborate without me having to ask. I watch her sigh before sitting on the bed her hand running over her rounded stomach. "I uh, I don't know what you want me to say, Matt." She says, refusing to meet my eyes. "Nothing has changed since we had this conversation the first time." My eyebrows furrow in confusion, out of all the things Gabby could have said, that was not something I expected to hear.
"What do you mean nothing has changed? Everything has changed Gabby..."
She gnaws on her bottom lip. "But it hasn't Matt, we are still those same people that decided getting back together wasn't right for us, wasn't right for Jesse..." She gives me a pointed look, and I can see the fear behind her eyes, the fear she is trying to mask. "We still are the people who hide things from each other instead of talking it out."
I cut her off taking a step forward. "What are you talking abo-…"
"Stilettos!" She says with a raised voice. "You kept that from me thinking you were protecting me and the situation got you shot!"
"We just talked about this, I thought we were past this!" I holler back, both of us letting the emotions of tonight and the past few weeks, hell months, get the better of us.
"Well, maybe I am not!" She snaps back, throwing her arms out in frustration.
Silence fills the space between us and I scrub my hand over my face in frustration.
She looks away from me and I see her jaw clench. "You could have died and you lied to me, and nearly everyone around you about what you were doing... and then that girl, the one that brought you your coat that day at the firehouse. You just, you were keeping things from me, things that were putting you in danger and you didn't come to me. You could have died, Matt. Hell, you nearly did!" She snaps.
My emotions get the better of me and I am hollering out before I can think through my words. "What do you care? We aren't together, you don't want to be with me, clearly! You abandoned this relationship months ago; I don't owe you any explanation for what I do in my free time!"
I watch Gabby recoil and the look on her face has me regretting my outburst immediately; the words only flying from my mouth out of anger and hurt.
Gabby's eyes water and I watch her avoid eye contact before nodding. She gets up, grabbing her pillow and goes to move past me. "Gabby..."
"Don't." She snaps, the look in her eye a warning that I know well. "Move."
"Gabby please, I didn't..."
"Move, Casey!" She hollers this time and I know from the shake in her voice she is holding on to whatever composure she can. I sigh, stepping out of the doorway of our bedroom and letting her go. I watch her walk to the living room, pausing for a moment before moving down the hallway. It's only a few seconds later I hear Kelly's bedroom open and slam closed.
I sigh in frustration, running my shaking hands through my hair, doing my best to keep my anger in check, Lord knew we did not need another hole in our walls from me.
How had that gone from bad to worst so quickly?
Severide
My key twists in the lock and I try my best to quietly open the door and close it as I slip into the apartment, knowing Matt and Gabby were likely still in bed when I see the lights still off in the hall and living room.
I move into the opening and it's then I stop in my tracks finding Casey asleep on the couch. I shake my head, assuming he fell asleep on the couch watching the Blackhawks game.
I turn my path down the hall to my bedroom, opening the door and setting my bag down before freezing, not expecting to find Dawson curled into a ball on my bed on top of the covers.
What the hell happened last night?
I can tell just by the tear stains on Dawson's face that it wasn't good.
I go to turn to leave, but Gabby is stirring and her brown eyes are meeting mine before I can leave the room. She sits up quickly, almost looking confused before it seems the events that must have led her here are hitting her all over again.
She shakes her head, "Kelly, I'm sorry... let me just-"
"Hey, no don't stress it. I uh, everything alright with you and Matt?" I question concerned, though their current sleeping arrangements already gave me that answer.
She chuckles humorlessly, "We uh, we tried to have a talk about our relationship, clearly it didn't go so well." She finally meets my eyes. "It's kind of hard to storm out of your home when you need space when you are nearly 8 months pregnant and supposed to be on bed rest... So, this is as far as I got."
I can't help the smirk that hits me, while I don't wish this on them, Dawson's sassiness made her who she was. Though Matt may not always love when it was directed at him, I knew it was a quality in Gabby he loved dearly... even when it came back to bite him in the ass.
My tongue clicks against the roof of my mouth in amusement. "So, is this going to be a normal occurrence, do I need to get some bunk beds in here?" I question jokingly and watch as Dawson rolls her eyes, but I smile finally hits her lips and I know she needs the mood lightener.
She gets up, collecting her pillow and blanket and pats my shoulder as she leaves my room. "Let's hope not. If so, plan to bunk with Casey, not me."
My only hope was it didn't come to that. It didn't take a genius to know Matt and Gabby loved each other and whatever was stopping them from getting back together was just prolonging the inevitable and making it more difficult on the both of them.
Dawson
Walking down the hall I stop in my tracks when I see Matt sleeping soundly on the couch, it was clear this is where he slept last night. I knew his reasoning behind that was if I decided to leave Kelly's room, he wanted me to be able to sleep in the bed, not the couch. My nearly 8-month pregnant belly would not allow for a full night of sleep on the couch.
Staring at Matt I try to reason with myself on what is best for us... what is best for Jesse?
I know I love Matt, there was no question about that, but was being together the right decision? We could barely get through a conversation about our relationship without hurling insults at each other and bringing up past mistakes; both of us still bitter about so many things that we thought we had let go of.
I knew if we jumped back into a relationship we would just be once again pushing down all those feelings and melting into each other and while that did sound amazing, I knew it wasn't healthy. It would only lead to the end of us once again. We needed to work through our problems, all of our problems, and doing that while friends seemed like the easier choice. I couldn't imagine getting together with Matt again only to have it all come crashing down around us once more; but this time it wouldn't just be us it came crashing down around, it would be Jesse left to pick up the pieces as well. I refused to let that happen.
I was trying my best to think with my head and not my heart. My heart knew it wanted Matt. My heart wanted Matt and I together and welcoming Jesse into the world together and in love as a family. My head knew it wasn't that simple. No matter how much I loved Matt, love was not everything and if our prior breakup and current situation wasn't proof enough it was obvious, we couldn't live on love forever.
We had shared multiple sweet moments over the past few weeks after Matt was hurt and my diagnosis, and I know it was not just because we loved each other, but also both of us floating on the cloud of our own mortality. Matt almost died; I could die. What were a few kisses and sweet moments in between?
It was stupid, and we never should have let it happen without having a real talk about us.
Everything has changed.
Matt's words from last night played in my head and as much as I knew he believed them, nothing had. We were the same people we were before this happened. We still had so many things to work through, things even I had thought we had, but if Matt's words from last night meant anything then I knew we hadn't.
What do you care? We aren't together, you don't want to be with me, clearly! You abandoned this relationship months ago; I don't owe you any explanation for what I do in my free time.
The words still made me cringe. You abandoned this relationship months ago...
Clearly Matt had not let go of what happened, of me leaving... even if he said he had; he clearly still harbored resentment towards me whether he wanted to or not. If I was being honest with myself, maybe I still harbored some resentment towards him for letting me walk out that door, for not fighting for us.
I sighed deeply, not sure where to go from here or what to say to Matt when he woke up.
Over the last few months our relationship had become a handful of chances missed and opportunities never taken and that was a hard realization to swallow. How had we come so far just to mess it all up?
A part of me, a major part of me, still stressed that Matt was only wanting to make this work because I was pregnant... I knew that he loved me, but was he really committed to this relationship or was his commitment to being a father clouding his judgment when it came to us?
I shake my head, forcing myself to stop letting my thoughts run wild, at least where Matt was concerned. I couldn't put words are feelings into his mouth, that wasn't fair. Not that anything that has surrounded our relationship in the past few years has been fair. One rough patch after another being thrown at us.
Movement from the couch pulls me out of my thoughts and I look over to see blue eyes staring back at me. I offer a weak smile and Matt returns it.
Five minutes later we are sat on opposite ends of the couch; me nursing a cup of tea, Matt coffee. Both of us sip at our drinks obviously needing a moment to gather our thoughts.
"I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry." We both blurt at the same time, both of us smirking before becoming quiet again.
Matt finally makes the first move. "I am sorry, Gabby. What I said last night, it was uncalled for. I don't mean that, I -"
"You did though." I cut him off softly. Matt shakes his head, going to speak again, but I cut him off this time. "You did, if some part of you didn't you would have never said it. And that is okay, Matt. This right here is what I am talking about. This is what I meant by us being the same people. We are still hiding things, hiding how we are really feeling, not talking through the tough things because we are afraid to hurt each other..." I trail off and Matt looks away, bobbing his head as my words hit him.
I shake my head moving closer to him on the couch. "I want there to be an us one day, Matt, I truly do. But there will never be an us that will last if we can't be honest with each other. I know me getting pregnant, going to the hospital, and now all of what happened last month has been hard on both of us, but you can't treat me with kid gloves. I get why you are and I love you for that, but we need to have these real talks if we are ever going to get somewhere. We can't keep burying and hiding our feelings forever."
Matt sighs, meeting my eyes, but nods his head. "I hate to admit it, but you're right. I thought we could just jump back into us and everything would be okay, but I know it is not that easy. It never is with us."
I huff, but nod along knowing that was the truth. It had never been easy.
We sit in silence for another moment before Matt starts talking again. "I don't know, we've been in this bubble ever since you moved back here. Maybe we jumped into living together, hindsight is 20x20 after all. I know it made sense at the time, but we were already so fragile to begin with and maybe we rushed this? Maybe we weren't ready for that..." Matt musses.
I shake my head, stopping his rambling thoughts. "I don't regret it though, Matt. Being here with you, experiencing it all together has been amazing. I can't imagine these past couple months going differently. It's been hard, yeah, but it's also been so worth it." Matt nods a smile playing on his lips.
"Yeah, it's been amazing getting to experience it all together. Getting to be there for you through it all." The smile that plays on his face melts my heart, which makes the next thing I knew I needed to say even harder.
"Which is why I want to stay... At least until Jesse is a couple months old... after that we can revisit it?" I ramble on. " I know we need to work through somethings and we will, but I also don't want you, or me, missing out on any of the firsts with him. With me being on bed rest and moving into the last month of my pregnancy the doctor doesn't want me alone with my condition... in case anything happens." I trail off, letting the wave of that realization hit me once again.
Not letting myself dwell on it, I meet his eyes and am happy to see a soft smile there. "I'd like that." He says gently.
I match his smile. "After Jesse is a few months old, maybe when I get back to work, we can revisit it. I can start looking for places then and we can work out a schedule with Jesse..." I pause when I see the look of near horror on Matt's face. "What?"
"Do you really think it will come to that? You finding your own place? Working out a visitation agreement for Jesse?" He says almost desperately, and I realize this is the first time either of us has actually spoken those words out loud. Though we knew from the beginning we were going into this not being a couple, I guess we both help onto hope that we would be together again by the end of this and this would never have to be a conversation.
I sigh, not wanting to meet his eyes. "I think it's smart to face the reality of what could happen... even if it's not how either of us ever thought it would."
When I do finally meet Matt's gaze the emotions playing out on his face nearly mirrored my own. How did we fall so far?
We sit in silence for a long while, I'm not sure there is any more to say until Casey starts speaking, his voice soft and pained. "One thing I've learned better than anything over the last year is that I should have been more honest with you. Whether it was about what I was doing our how I was feeling so I promise you, that's something I am going to do my best to do from here on out."
I nod, acknowledging him, but he still has yet to meet my gaze full on and I knew he had more to say. "It was hard losing you Gabby; it was hard watching you walk out that door. It was even harder knowing I did nothing to stop you. It was hard seeing you on shift every day after, it was hard seeing you in pain and knowing I put it there. These past few months have been hard, Gabby... it's all still really hard." Casey's voice is shaky and I know if I dared open my mouth mine would be too. His glassy eyes meet mine and his next words give me the hope I needed.
"No matter how hard this gets, no matter how much we have to hurt each other to talk and work our way through everything, I know we will. I'm not giving up on us Gabby, not now, not ever."
