A/N: Stay safe, everyone.
Black Swan
Chapter 21
When I return to my room, unable to even begin processing this latest revelation, I find Edward lazing on my chaise eating a banana.
"Hey," he greets me, pulling himself hastily upright. "Is everything okay?" he asks hesitantly, his gaze closely canvassing my expression. He constantly attempts to see into my mind now; I'm starting to think he does it subconsciously.
"It's fine." I reply with an internalized sigh, sitting beside him.
"What did Dr. Cullen want?" His concern is obvious, and this is despite the fact that he offers me a bite of his banana.
Scoffing, I brush his hand away and pull myself to my feet. I'm restless and I don't like it.
"Bella..."
"He thinks we should change you as soon as possible," I inform him, omitting anything else. That he doesn't need to know about right now.
He immediately lunges to his feet beside me, his breath accelerating. "What? Now?"
"Now?" I echo, raising a very pointed brow.
"I-I mean...when?" He's flustered. Agitated. He should be.
"He's leaving it up to me," I murmur, my gaze dropping to the floor.
"Are you really...?" He doesn't finish, and it's not exactly hard to guess why. He's fearful of the answer.
"It's inevitable," I say with a little too much impatience behind my voice. "You'll be living with us, and I can't guarantee Aro won't kill you even if I do go to Volterra."
"Does that mean...?" Again he abandons it, but not before a small smile tugs on his lips.
I huff this time and fold my arms across my chest, turning to face him. "Just because I'm not happy with you right now, doesn't mean I want to see you dead."
His smile widens, and I can only shake my head as a defense to it. He's entirely too handsome for his own good.
"Can you give me a time frame?" He ventures back into apprehension.
"Let's just get you to your next birthday first. Then we'll talk about it." Releasing an arm, I rub at my brow in frustration.
"Yeah?" He's happy by the prospect.
"You won't be so cheerful about it when you're in the worst pain you can ever imagine, begging me for death," I attempt to rein in his enthusiasm.
His expression falls somewhat as he obviously pauses to considers it further. "What exactly...does it feel like?"
"I told you already."
"H-how long will it take?"
"I told you that, as well. It differs for everyone. It could last ten hours or three days. Esme compares it to going through labor, except we're essentially giving birth to ourselves." I scoff cynically to myself over how ridiculous it is. If labor was even half as horrific as becoming a vampire, the human race would have died out thousands of years ago.
"Did she have a baby?" he asks, his voice softening. I'm beginning to suspect he loves her already, and it's more than reciprocated.
"Yes."
"What...happened to it?"
"He died of pneumonia."
"Shit," he mumbles. "Did she catch it, as well?"
"More or less," I say vaguely. It's not my place to reveal intimate details surrounding my mother's transformation, after all.
"You said if you drain me first it will be quicker?" he veers back to the topic at hand, his heavily furrowed brow giving away his growing unease.
"Yes, that's true." I nod once.
"Will you do that to me?"
I shake my head, my thoughts straying. This is all happening too fast, and I can barely comprehend the idea of him going through it. "I'll let Carlisle take care of it."
"But, Bella...I want your blood to—"
"I'll give you my blood," I assure him, "but you won't be drinking from me directly. Carlisle will oversee it."
"So...it'll be like a transfusion..." he surmises.
"Essentially, and I trust Carlisle. He's the oldest. The strongest..."
"I thought Emmett was." He nudges me with his shoulder as half a smile appears fleetingly on my lips.
"Mentally, I was referring to."
"Hm..." He rubs his chin thoughtfully. "So, if I'm going through labor"—he grimaces—"are you going to be there to hold my hand?"
"Good God, no. I'll be very far away."
He falters, frowning. "W-what...?"
"I've seen it once and I'm never witnessing it again," I admit seriously, and my convictions are rock solid. I watched Jane turn a human in my first decade as an immortal. I've never recovered.
"Is it...bad?" His expression becomes pained, the volume of his voice notably dropping.
"You'll gain your strength midway through, and you will break your own bones in an attempt to end it. Not to mention, everything in your stomach will be expelled, and everything in your bowel and bladder, as well." I'm brutally honest, he deserves me to be, even as all color steadily drains from his face.
"Jesus..." he utters, swallowing thickly. "Okay, I want to be out like you were."
"I told you," I remind him again. "You will still feel every second of it."
"Still, I'd rather not traumatize you, and I...I don't want you to see me...like that..."
I observe him for a moment, before snorting dryly.
"What?" he asks blankly.
"You and your pride..."
Breaking into a full grin, he hooks his elbow around my neck and pulls me to him. I allow it, even as I consciously hold my breath. Animal blood did nothing but heighten my craving for his. "Well, I am a nineteen year old idiot boy, aren't I?" he jokes in imitation of me.
"Okay, I'm a horrible mistress," I concede, inching myself back from him.
"Mistress?" he repeats dubiously, his brows rising. "Do I still have to sign the contract?"
"No," I answer, as his expression immediately falls, and rolling my eyes, I'm forced to reassure him. "You're being turned within a year, there's no point. We still have to notify the Volturi, though."
"So, they don't put out a hit on me, right?" For whatever reason, he finds this amusing.
"Essentially," I say wryly. "I'm beginning to understand why Emmett gets on so well with you." I poke him gently in the side and pull myself fully from his arms.
"So...you've forgiven me?" he asks after a pause of smiling broadly down at me. I'm convinced he's doing it deliberately, and I wouldn't put it past Alice giving him pointers on how to get around my defenses.
"I told you..." I sigh in exasperation. "You haven't done anything to me to forgive," I repeat my stance.
"So...am I still your boyfriend?" he ventures, his smile becoming toothy.
"Good God..." I mutter.
"Am I?"
"I guess!" I snap. "Now stop bothering me!"
"And you're gonna be nice to me from now on, right?" This boy really doesn't know when to quit while he's ahead.
"Don't push your luck!"
He laughs, not the slightest bit threatened by me.
"Come here." I sit back down on my chaise and motion to him.
"What...?" he asks, eyeing me suspiciously.
"Just get over here!"
He raises his hands to me and complies, and he's back to oozing with self-assurance. It's my least favorite side of him. "What?"
"Tell me how you got into a...relationship"—my voice restricts—"with Miss Promiscuity."
"Lauren?" he says simply.
"Who else?"
He tilts his head and rubs his chin in thought for a moment. "I was going out with Kate."
"Kate?" I echo skeptically.
"Yeah...why?"
"What happened to her?"
"She was a senior when I was a junior even though we were pretty much the same age," he explains.
"And...?"
"She graduated," he shrugs simply.
"Where'd she go?"
"...Why?" he eventually pauses and gauges me closely.
"Do you remember when you said you saw me in a car with two people?" I leave it open-ended in deliberate emphasis.
"Yeah..." His expression suddenly smooths out in shock before it inevitably morphs into complete horror. "Jesus, Bella—did you kill her?!"
"Was she a redhead?"
"No. A blonde."
"Then, I didn't kill her."
"Fuck..." he mutters, taking on a vacant expression.
"Were you in love with her?" My tone stiffens. I am not liking the direction this conversation is going. At all.
"She...she was my first real girlfriend. I wasn't in love with her, but I liked her."
"Hmm..." I turn my gaze from him and stare blankly at the wall.
"...Are you angry?" he asks indecisively.
"Why would I be angry?" I assert glancing back at him.
He shrugs, looking suddenly apprehensive.
"Go on," I urge him.
"Oh..." he mumbles, lowering his head to run his palm along the back of his neck.
I smile this time; I can't help it. He notices, and all too soon his smile is mirroring mine. I very nearly demand what he finds so funny. "Are you going to continue?" I put to him, arching my brow again.
"Uh, yeah, well, she went to college, and I...missed her. I mean, I missed...having sex."
I groan explicitly.
"I mean, it was a good distraction," he hastens to explain.
"Continue." I inhale sharply through my nose and hold it. This boy and sex...I realize it's his age, but it's ad nauseam to say the least.
"During the summer I was at a party and Lauren was there. We were both pretty wasted, and we ended up..." He doesn't elaborate, but then he doesn't need to.
"And that's it?" I say, both eyebrows raised high this time.
"Well, yeah—I mean, we tried dating, but...she was too possessive."
"And she let you get rough with her," I repeat his own words.
He half shrugs and nods his head in halfhearted admittance. "Yeah..."
"You used sex as a distraction," I infer, gazing at him squarely.
"Y-yeah..." He's suddenly nervous. "Are...you angry with me?" he repeats, drifting into obvious uncertainty.
"No," I state matter-of-factly. "I simply wanted to understand your thought process."
"Ah..." He nods his head slowly, but a smirk is beginning to twitch on his lips.
Sighing loudly for his benefit, I tilt my head, prompting him to explain himself.
"What happened in Bio?" he goes with another angle; one I wasn't expecting.
"You got hot under the collar and it triggered my thirst," I answer, straight to the point. "I told you—I've been feeding from animals for longer than I have ever suffered before."
He appears to consider if for a moment. "You can drink from me if you want. I don't mind."
"How generous of you," I say sarcastically. This isn't the first time he's offered his blood to me, and I'm not naive to think there isn't anything sexual behind it.
"I mean, you know...you can take a sip." He leans fractionally toward me and raises his brows entirely too suggestively.
Planting my palm to his chest, I ease him back. "Be very careful, bucko."
"Jesus…You're a real hard one to crack," he says lightly, scoffing to himself.
"Apparently," I reply, my voice taking on a hard edge.
He gazes at me in confusion for a moment, and it takes him a lot longer than it really should have for him to realize his faux pas. "Oh—fuck!" he blurts when it eventually dawns on him. "Bella...I—I didn't mean. I mean—I'm so sorry!" he starts to ramble, but raising to my feet with an exasperated huff, I leave the room, and him, behind me.
. . .
I've realized ignoring Edward is completely counter-productive. Even under the same roof, he will throw himself at my feet. I can barely reconcile with it, and it only appears to validate Carlisle's latest theory. On top of which, Emmett and Esme lay the blame solely on me for his tantrums.
"This is emotional blackmail!" I yell at him after opening my bedroom door, grabbing him by the collar of his shirt, and dragging him inside. "You cannot behave like this! It's not rational!"
He literally sat outside my door for seven hours straight. He didn't speak a word, but there was no mistaking his constant shadow beneath my door. He didn't budge an inch.
"How else am I supposed to get you to talk to me when you ignore me?" he hollers back.
"By giving me space, you idiot boy—good Lord! You are driving me insane!"
"Stop calling me a fucking BOY!" he rages, his voice almost matching mine in tenor and emotion.
I pause, glaring at him pointedly and expelling an indignant breath. "If I were you, I would seriously reconsider this direction you're taking," I warn him with deathly calm. I have never tolerated a boy speaking to me like this before, and I could so easily snap and kill him without conscious decision.
His expression turns blank, and he blinks as though catching himself, before he huffs sharply through his nose and folds his arms across his chest. "Are you punishing me—is that it?" he accuses me, and as well as his obvious anger, he's also hurt.
"Punishing you?" I echo in disbelief, shaking my head to myself.
"Well, why won't you let me clear my name!" he declares, his voice coming infinitely close to breaking.
"Because I don't want to know!" I blurt before I can stop myself. "I don't want you to give me another reason to be angry at you!"
"But...you're still angry about it, and it's...getting in the way," he appeals to me. "Please, Bella..."
"Okay, fine!" I burst, but my frustration isn't directed at him this time. I realize I have to hear him out if I'm ever going to move forward with him. "But not here."
"...Will...will we need Emmett?" he asks, his entire expression flooding with apprehension.
I very nearly laugh. "No, we won't need Emmett."
"Okay," he mumbles, swinging an arm toward the door. "After you."
"I've noticed something about you," Edward speaks up after about a mile of walking along the forest path south toward the Sol Duc River.
"Oh, yeah?" I glance over my shoulder and meet his eyes. He's a pace behind, and despite wearing a parka and a beanie on his head, he's cold; openly so.
"Yeah. You only blush after you've fed," he replies with a strange ironic smile on his lips.
I stare at him for a moment, my brow knotting by how confounding I still find him. "You say the strangest things, sometimes." I remark.
"Well, I'm not as esoteric as you are, obviously," he teases.
"Despite how much I've told you—how much you've seen?" I arch a brow.
His smile inches broader and he shrugs a single shoulder. "It's still weird."
"Hmm..."
"Can I ask you something else?" he ventures, stepping in line with me.
"You usually do."
"Why'd your family move here?—to Forks, I mean." He shoves his hands in his pockets and hunches his shoulders in an obvious effort to preserve his warmth.
We walk for several steps before I offer him an answer. "Because, Alice had a vision..."
"...Of me?"
"Yes. Of you." I take a heavy breath and release it. It still seems so outlandish to me.
"But...you told me you were going to kill me the day we met." He frowns as if recalling it, and I smile discreetly to myself.
"Obviously, I didn't know anything about it," I clarify.
"Or you would have...killed me?" he theorizes, and when I turn to look at him, he throws me another smile, only there's something vulnerable about it.
"Not gone along with it," I correct him.
He hums, not sounding altogether convinced.
"In case you've forgotten, I don't have a very high opinion of boys of your caliber," I remind him, turning back to look ahead of me.
"My caliber?" he repeats, confused.
"The top of the high school pecking order," I reply expressly. This isn't the first time I've had this conversation with him, after all.
"You mean, popular?"
"Have you ever seen the movie Mean Girls?" I ask, turning to glance at him again.
He scoffs as if he thinks it's ridiculous. "No."
"You should," I say simply.
He appears to appraise it for a moment. "I mean, just because someone's popular, doesn't mean they're necessarily an asshole."
"The two are usually synonymous."
He descends into silence for several moments before he speaks up again. "So, what were the popular kids at your school like?"
"They were pretty much the same as they are now. Some things never change."
He expels his breath softly through his nose and I look up in time to see an askew grin pull on his lips. "You were smart right? Were you on the...student counsel?" he asks after meeting my gaze.
I half smirk to myself but don't hang onto it. "No. I didn't really...fit into any subgroup."
"Did you kill them...after?" he switches tangents entirely too candidly, and not at all out of the ordinary. He's becoming too complacent again.
"No," I admit just as forthright. "After Rose, Esme refused to let it happen again."
"...What did Rose do?" he asks, his tone lowering with obvious curiosity.
"She slaughtered her fiancé and four of his friends."
"Shit." His voice practically fails. "What did he do to her?"
"Ask her. She's not shy about admitting it. She likes telling that story, actually."
"Alright..." he says dubiously. "How far are you—" he begins when I immediately freeze and grab him impulsively behind me. "What...?" he asks, confused and slightly alarmed by my reaction.
My head whips in every direction, my eyes closely scanning the surroundings for the vampire I can sense nearby. "There's another..." Is all I offer.
"Sweet Bella," Jane's voice emerges from the forest, just as she materializes before us. It causes Edward to practically jump out of his skin before he attempts to shield me—as ridiculous as that even is.
"Jane the virgin," I say in greeting, grinning broadly.
Jane's curious gaze pulls from Edward to meet mine. "God, you smell awful—still drinking animal blood?" She takes me momentarily into her arms and plants her lips briefly to my cheek.
"Just temporarily. What the hell are you doing here?" I say wryly, but not without affection.
"I'm on vacation. So"—her eyes fix back to Edward—"this is your famous little red canary. It's nice to finally meet you." She extends her hand, and apprehensively, Edward reciprocates.
"Hey. You haven't changed..." he mumbles, sounding slightly dazed.
"Pardon me?" Jane replies, turning to me for explanation, a notable smirk on her lips.
"I mean..." he attempts to clarify shaking his head rapidly as though ridding himself from his distraction.
"He often forgets," I speak on his behalf with an audible sigh.
"Forgets...?" She echoes dubiously, her eyes again meeting mine for interpretation.
I can only shake my head in answer. I can barely comprehend him, let alone explain him.
"Come here," Jane instructs him, curling her index finger slowly in his direction.
He hesitates, looking from her to me with obvious uncertainty. "Bella..." he murmurs to me.
"She won't hurt you," I assure him, my voice just as soft, though Jane hears every word.
"Of course I won't." She again holds out her hand, and when Edward takes it, she coaxes him closer to her. "Let me smell..."
"I'm sorry?" He glances at me, a helpless look on his face.
I can only smile and nod my head slightly in further reassurance.
Rising on her toes, Jane leans toward him and inhales deeply, while Edward keeps his eyes fixed to mine in obvious discomfort.
"A-positive. I prefer negative," she concludes, pulling back, "but"—taking his chin in her thumb and fingers she moves his face in every angle as she inspects him further—"he is rather handsome."
"Erm...thanks." He blushes.
"So, what are you really doing here?" I put to her cynically after she releases him.
Edward stumbles toward me, and taking his hand, I edge him behind me. Jane poses no threat to him, but I'm on guard, and my instincts are heightened. I've never been this way around Jane before. Ever.
"Alice called me," she relays, and I'm immediately suspicious.
"...Why?" My eyes narrow, while standing beside me, Edward slips an arm around my shoulders. I'm not sure of his intentions, whether it's for his protection or mine, but it's only making me more conscious of him.
"About taking an unregistered human to Eclipse." She nods her head subtly in reference to him as the smirk steadily returns to her lips.
"To where...?" Edward asks.
"I'm here to tag along and make sure he stays safe."
"Bella...you're taking me where?" Edward attempts again.
"What did Alice see?" I ask her, reaching up and squeezing his hand in an effort to placate him.
"Nothing, as far as I'm aware. Me being there will be a precaution, and remember the fun we had last time?" she reminds me, breaking into a full grin this time.
"I remember," I reply ruefully, before turning to Edward. "Would you like a crash course in being a vampire?"
"...Are you going to light me on fire?" he asks, and for the life of me, I'm uncertain whether he's serious or just joking around. He's beginning to appear... disorientated.
"What kind of question is that?" I state as Jane snorts.
"Erm..." He rubs the back of his neck, his eyes flitting to Jane's. "Sorry."
"It's a vampire bar," Jane explains. "It might help you decide how you want to live as an immortal."
"Ah..." His gaze returns to mine. "Bella..."
"Edward..." I imitate him.
"Will I be safe?" he whispers again, as if he's not already aware that Jane can hear every word.
"Of course, you will be!" I retort, affronted by his assertions. "Do you honestly think I'd allow any harm to come to you?" It's not a question, and he smiles regardless.
"There are very few vampires who would take on Bella," Jane adds, finding great amusement in her own words. "The girl is crazy, but to be absolutely certain, that's where I come in."
"What powers...do you have?" Edward asks after gazing at her steadily for a several seconds too long. It's not hard to guess why; he's gauging her mind.
"I can show you if you'd like," she offers.
"I'm shielding him!" I inform her, the warning behind my voice clear.
She laughs. "She has no sense of humor, has she, Edward?"
I glance at him in time to see a grin form across his face in complete agreement. I huff. "You caught us in the middle of something, Jane. Go to the house. I'll see you there soon."
"Okay, say no more," she complies, once again pulling me to her. "It's good to see you again, sweet Bella," she speaks in my ear in a tenor only I can hear, "and mother of God, will he make one beautiful vampire."
"Hmm..." I murmur in full acknowledgement, fighting to hold back my smile.
"Wow," Edward mumbles more or less to himself when Jane takes her leave.
Turning to him, I raise my eyebrows in question.
"I think you're right," he adds, an almost shrewd smile twitching on his lips.
"About?" We continue walking.
"She definitely bats for the other team." He scoffs in an obvious effort to hold back his laughter.
"Why is that funny?" I put to him.
"It's not," he shrugs indifferently. "I can just imagine a lot of guys being disappointed, that's all."
"Why? Because she's beautiful? Hmm?"
"Yeah," he replies as if it were common knowledge, like a typical teenage boy. In this respect, he has the depth of a puddle.
"When we go to Eclipse, you're going to realize that there are no ugly vampires," I forewarn him.
He's silent for a moment when I feel his fingers lightly in my hair. "You know I think you're the most beautiful, don't you?"
"Oh?" I reply, fighting off the smile. I am a lot more susceptible to his compliments than I'm comfortable with.
"Yeah, I mean, you're pretty scary," his smile is infectious, and I'm infinitely close to joining him, "and there's this untamed...fire behind your eyes, but it only makes you..." His words die off as his mind obviously strays.
"Only makes me...?" I prompt him to continue.
"Beautiful," he says simply, and when I glance up at him, his entire expression relaxes.
"Are you trying to charm me?" I ask skeptically.
He drops his head and exhales shortly through his nose, almost laughing. "Is it working?"
"No, but I like that you try." I smile secretively to myself.
"Will it ever work?" he goes with a new angle.
"Maybe..." I allude. "Okay. Here's far enough." I stop him by a small clearing with a large collection of exposed rock surrounded by ferns and other vegetation. Escaping out from under his arm, I sit myself against the largest and wait for him.
He's nervous and he's stalling, it's obvious, and before joining me, he presses the heel of his palm against one eye and rubs laboriously.
"Okay," he begins, approaching me and leaning against the boulder beside me, expelling a momentous-sounding breath. "After I got out of Juvie...we moved here..." he mumbles, his eyes fixed to the forest floor.
"Because no one knew you here," I state the obvious, and when he looks up and meets my eyes, he smiles ironically.
"Yeah... My dad wanted me to have...a fresh start, I guess." Jamming both fists in the pockets of his jacket, he raises both shoulders. "I didn't speak to James while he was in jail. It wasn't until he got out that he contacted me."
"Was it through Facebook?" I ask.
Sucking in his cheeks, he nods first before answering, "Yeah. I didn't reply, and he started getting pissed. That's when he threatened to tell everyone here about what happened, so I played along." He shrugs again.
"Played along?" I echo.
"He was always talking shit, so that's what I did, too."
"And he always contacted you first?" I query. I want to be absolutely sure I'm getting this straight.
"Yeah, always." His voice drops in volume.
"You mentioned me by name," I remind him. "You couldn't have just made something up?"
He turns his head, his eyes resting on mine for a moment; they're beseeching. He wants me to believe him, I realize. "It was during Spanish class just after I took you to the nurse. I was so...blown away by you, but you seemed to really hate me. I was almost worried that you knew about me, and I guess...I was just going on the defensive." He shrugs his shoulders a third time, and releases his breath along with them. He appears to be wrestling with a certain culpability, but it's not only that, and I'm not sure what else it is.
"Hmm... Aside from Lauren, were you in the habit of fucking girls and then moving on?" I quote him.
He half laughs flatly, and turns to stare into the forest beyond us. "No. It was just Lauren."
"Does she know?—what happened?"
He shakes his head, distracted. "No."
"Did Kate?"
"No. Only you know." His gaze returns to me.
I don't reply, and he only continues to stare at me, his eyes penetrating; no doubt trying to get behind my shield.
With a conscious breath, I lower it. His eyes immediately widen in surprise, until slowly his entire expression warms and a smile pulls broad across his face. In fact, he appears so cheerful that I snap it back in position, feeling flustered and self-conscious.
"What did you see?" I ask, severing my eyes from his, uncertain I want the answer.
"Bella..." his voice is soft and I can't be sure of the context behind it, but his body temperature is steadily rising. That I can detect, "it hasn't happened yet. Is it...something you want?"
A/N: I wonder what he saw... ;)
Thanks to Kim, Melinda and Leigh, and thanks for reading.
