Disclaimer: I do not own Smallville, Arrowverse, Deadpool or anything else you may recognize
Thank you to everyone who has favorited, followed or reviewed this fic so far.
Guest 1: Thanks for the review and suggestions. They will all come.
Guest 2: Thanks for the review. Your title was good but I liked another one by another Guest a bit more. Just enjoy.
Guest 3: Thanks for the review. Yeah, I know, not that I'm interested in watching that show as Hoechlin and Tulloch are my least favorite live-action Clark and Lois so far out of everyone I have seen in the roles.
Guest 4: Thanks for the review. I will.
Guest 5: Thanks for the review. LOL! Best title ever. Better than the one I had in mind. Thanks a lot for this one.
Guest 6: Thanks for the review. Now that you say it, I should do that, though it would still be one-sided as Lana with that suit was almost as fast as Clark, who is faster than all Arrowverse speedsters combined. Still, nice one.
Chapter 22- Bitch Slap: The DC Edition
"Ah! Here we are again", Wade said as he waved and all applauded and waved back. "Last time we were here, Mxy was showing Mikhail that just having the name doesn't make you an Imp from the Fifth Dimension with reality warping powers."
All laughed and applauded again as Wade said. "But this time, we have a match everyone has been waiting for since the start. The bitch-off between the two biggest bitches of these 2 Universes- Lana Lang and Iris West!"
All applauded hysterically and Wade had to raise his hand to calm them down as he said. "So on one side, we have Lana Lang from Smallville, played by Kristin Kreuk. For the first two Seasons, she was the typical girl next door, hot, beautiful, smart, with a quarterback boyfriend. Our hero Clark had a crush on her but she wore a Kryptonite necklace so he couldn't come close to her. Her parents had died in the meteor shower that brought Clark to Smallville. The two had an on-off game for years, making the audience so frustrated they wanted to punch the TV. And Lana went from sweet to a horrible, manipulative person too. In Season 3, there was a meta-human who brainwashed her into being his girlfriend, and she called it an honest relationship. Pffttt!"
All laughed hysterically as Wade said. "And while Alicia tried to murder her, it was obvious she was a sick person due to fucking child abuse by her parents, but in Season 4, Lana didn't even give her a second chance like she deserved. And her boyfriend Jason Teague, in a deleted scene, threatened to hunt Alicia down. Also, Teague is a fucking pedophile!"
All were disgusted by Teague as Wade said. "I expected better from you- Dean Winchester."
All laughed at that as Wade said. "And after she broke up with Clark, she was still crazy about his secret, pestering Clark and Chloe for it and saying how she isn't naïve, when during that time her obviously evil fiancé had manipulated her into marrying him by making her believe she is pregnant."
All were laughing even more at this point as Wade said. "And in Season 7, after faking her own death and not taking help from anyone, she returned and Clark just took her back, no questions asked. Dude, where did your backbone from earlier Seasons go?"
All said. "Hmmmmmmm!"
Wade then continued. "She then spied on Lex behind the others' backs, putting them in danger, and she also slept with Bizarro, not realizing something was off. And she says she knows Clark!"
All laughed hysterically again as Wade said. "Even Bizarro became her lovesick fanboy. Shows how much the writers loved her. And let's not forget that skinny dipping dream from Season 3. That happened only because the writers were obsessed with Lana and Clana."
"EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWW!" All of the audience said simultaneously.
"And in Season 8, she returned but once again did stuff behind the others' backs, and eventually she absorbed so much Kryptonite she had to leave Clark….again!" Wade said before sighing in relief. "This time, it was permanent. YAY!"
"YAY!" All said together.
"She did return in the Season 11 comics as the superhero called Valkyrie, but she was actually better written in there", Wade said. "I mean, it was too little, too late, but she was still fine in that and much more likable than in the show."
All applauded as images of Kreuk's Lana Lang aka Valkyrie appeared while Wade said. "On the other hand, we have Iris West from The Flash in Arrowverse, played by Candice Patton. She was a news reporter and Barry's best friend who knew him better than anyone. Of course she couldn't tell Barry had feelings for her and had no idea something was going on with him when he became the Flash, but she still knew him better than anyone."
All laughed hysterically at that as it seemed like the building would explode and Wade had to raise his hand to calm then down before he said. "She was daughter of Joe West, who took in Barry after his mom's murder. And he had a crush on her. Anyway, in Season 1, right in episode 1, she called the Particle Accelerator Barry's 'sad, little, nerdy dream', not caring about his feelings. And she also had a cheat-list, even though Eddie doesn't seem like that kind of guy. She tried to sabotage Barry's relationship with Linda when she was with Eddie. And no, we don't buy accidental sabotage here. She said Barry was in love with someone. That alone classifies as sabotage. And let's not forget her expression when Barry convinced Linda to go out with him again by eating really hot chilly. Yeah, she wanted to sabotage the relationship on purpose! What a bitch!"
All applauded at Wade's words as he continued. "When Thawne took Eddie, she blamed Barry and Joe, even though it was not their fault. When Caitlin said Barry felt really bad for lying to her, she vindictively said 'he should', which is where she lost all sympathy. In 2x21, she insulted Barry's mother on her grave. I mean, can you believe the audacity of this girl?!"
All booed Iris as Wade continued. "Then in Season 3 is where she finally began her descent to the worst character ever in the Arrowverse. In 3x15, she broke it off with Barry by showing off her ringless finger and didn't even say a word. What the fuck?! And in 3x22, the video message she left would ensure Barry never moved on from her and mope about her forever. Savitar was the real hero for killing her. Of course he was pathetic himself. In Aragorn's one-shot 'Just a lovesick puppy', Adrian Chase manipulated Savitar into murdering Iris and then committing suicide, thus going from the Arrowverse's craziest villain into its greatest hero!"
All cheered and applauded hysterically for Adrian Chase in that story, not believing they would have ever rooted for him as Wade said. "In Season 4, she took Barry to couple's counselling even though she knows he hates shrinks and then lashed out at him for going into the Speed Force at a place where he couldn't even defend himself. And bitch, your feelings are not more important than the lives of everyone in the world! Anyone who thinks otherwise is fucking delusional with a bullshit line of thinking."
All applauded again and booed Iris and anyone who was on her side in this situation as Wade continued. "And this bitchy behavior continued as Iris suddenly got Speed Powers in 4x16 and like a Mary-Sue, outperformed Barry in the end. Then in Elseworlds, she bad-mouthed Oliver on Felicity's words, which doesn't even make sense as Iris should hate Felicity for the double wedding fiasco, and said 'Oliver' wasn't her type, Oliver actually being Barry at the time. So that proves her and Barry are a huge mistake, in spite of the fucking wedding and in spite of how much the writers try to show they are made for each other. Death to Iris and WestAllen!"
"Death to Iris and WestAllen!" The audience cried out with raised hands.
"Then there is the disgusting argument in 5x19. The bitch actually said she doesn't care that her husband's mom was murdered! Can you believe that? Huh?! Huh?! She deserves to rot in Hell for that, like in Aragorn's one-shot 'Iris' punishment.'" Wade said and all howled in agreement.
Then images of Patton's Iris West appeared as the audience howled and Wade said. "In this round, the winner will be decided by who is the bigger bitch."
All laughed and applauded again as Wade said. "Let it begin."
Lana Lang and Iris West waked to each other, facing the other with glares.
"I am worse than you!" Lana said, trying to sell it. "I put Clark through a lot of shit from Seasons 3-7 and even said a brainwashed relationship was an honest one. And my treatment of Alicia was horrible."
"I sabotaged Barry's relationship with Linda, made constant cracks about him, and our relationship has an incest-y quality to it", Iris boasted. "And I insulted his mother on her grave. That was when I was better!"
"I ended up with Lex as rebound to make Clark jealous and my way of finding out Clark's secret was horrible as I put Chloe in danger", Lana said. "And I pestered him about his secret though we weren't together, and in Season 7, I put them all in danger again as well as in Season 8."
"But in the Season 11 comics, you got some redemption", Iris said with a smirk, proud of her bitchiness for once. "I made my husband look like the bad guy for going into the Speed Force. Future me put a dampener in my daughter, which is a huge violation. And I said I didn't care my husband's mom was murdered, which is infinitely worse than anything you did. You can't win this."
"I will make you make me win", Lana snarled as she prepared to fight.
"I'm a cop's daughter", Iris smirked, prepared to fight back and Lana actually laughed mockingly.
Iris charged with a punch but Lana effortlessly pushed her hand back before leaning backwards to avoid another punch. She then did a flip motion and kicked Iris on the face, sending her flying back as she spit out a wad of blood.
"Had enough?" Lana asked.
"NO!" Iris roared as she got back up and charged but Lana side-stepped and grabbing Iris, smacked her in the stomach and the face, making her cough as Lana punched her down.
She then kneeled down and snarled. "Say I'm the bigger bitch!"
"No!" Iris said defiantly.
"Say it!" Lana snarled, punching Iris, making her cough.
"No!" Iris said.
"Say it!" Lana snarled again as she punched Iris many times of the face, throat, chest and stomach, making her bleed and tear up and cough blood but she didn't relent.
Lana sighed and got back up as Iris staggered up too.
"Hello, bitches!"
They turned around to see Wade standing there.
"Hey Wade", Iris said with a smirk. "I'm the bigger bitch. I won."
Wade walked closer to her, his face leaning close to hers.
"I lied."
Iris' expression turned to one of horror as she said. "No you can-"
"What? You thought you could make use of your bitchiness for once in your life? Hell no!" Wade said with a merciless cackle. "Not while we're around. We just did this because roasting is you is the funniest thing anyone can do."
"NO!" Iris screamed. "Lana is the bigger bitch! She put people's life in danger-"
"As consequences for her manipulative actions. You said you didn't care your husband's mom was murdered", Wade said mercilessly as Lana smirked now. "Aragorn and Stand with Ward and Queen were having a discussion one day and also brought up Trevor Slattery from Iron Man 3. Aragorn hated Trevor so much he said Trevor should be locked in a room with you. And Stand laughed and said it would be too cruel for even Trevor, so both agreed Lana would be a better option."
He then disappeared with a 'poof' as Iris fell to her knees, screaming despair. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Lana was about to attack but then Iris' eyes glowed as she accessed the Speed Force and she sped around, knocking Lana down.
"I will kill you, you evil hag!" Iris snarled.
Lana smirked as the Prometheus suit appeared around her out of nowhere and this time, when Iris sped around, Lana sped after her. Lana, being almost as fast as Clark, caught up to Iris and threw her down, breaking some bones before walking up to her as Iris groaned in pain.
Lana grabbed her in a chokehold from behind and said. "I am selfish, uncaring, slightly unstable and power hungry person at my worst. Felicity is a selfish and uncaring person at her worst. You are a selfish and uncaring person at your best and an insane nutjob at your worst. For once in my life, people will actually root for me and appreciate me."
And then she snapped Iris' neck, killing her at last.
All of the audience applauded hysterically and Wade bowed to them as well due to his role in this round.
"As you all can see, Lana became a bitch, but she still had a likable moment or two, even as far as Season 8, and she was better in the Season 11 comics", Wade said. "Can't say the same for Iris, who got tricked into saying she is a bigger bitch than Lana, making her lose the round."
All laughed and applauded hysterically again as Wade said. "So Lana isn't as bad as Iris, which is what the scoreboard will tell us."
Smallville: 14
Arrowverse: 7
"And Smallville gets another", Wade said as all laughed and applauded. "Next time, two Lords will clash."
All applauded as Wade said. "Until next time."
Roasting Iris in this chapter was so much fun. Lana finally knocked Iris on her ass. For the first and last time in your lives, root for Lana and appreciate her. Just this once. HA!
Anyway, hope everyone enjoyed and see you all next time where both Maxwell Lords clash.
