CPOV
Waking up the next morning, I felt a little disorientated as to where I was. I was warm, no I was hot, the temperature seeming to rise more every second. I was also aware that I wasn't alone.
The reason for some of the heat was the body lying half across my chest, the beautiful woman whose body it was, calm and relaxed for what seems like the first time since she'd come back into my life.
Ana was always running here and there, checking everyone was ok, checking her animals had everything they could need. For just these few moments she was settled.
"Make the most of her like that" I heard Libby say, as I looked over to the girls who were sat on their beds, smiling at us. Jasper was nowhere to be seen.
"Yes," Hannah added. "Once she's awake, she won't stop."
"I was just thinking the same thing," I said, placing a kiss upon the top of Ana's head, hearing a little murmur from her before she continued to sleep.
"You're close" Libby stated.
"They have to be otherwise they would fall off the bed" Hannah giggled.
"No, I mean close, close."
I knew what she was getting at so I just nodded, hoping I wasn't tempting fate and the closeness we shared would last for longer than this trip.
"Ana and I have known each other for a long time, since high school although we lost touch for about ten years."
"You didn't know she was the brains behind the project you were funding," Hannah asked.
"No, if I did I would've been at the campus sooner."
"Ana's behind more than just the project at Uni," Libby told me. "She set all this up, I don't mean the orphanage although she's the reason they have the new school building as the original one was deemed unsafe. The food that now grows out in the garden, the aid that comes this way, she's behind it all. She's always one for doing something for charity, whether that's doing something silly for water aid to get water to places like this or the hike she did late last year to raise money for a cancer charity. She was exhausted after that hike, feet full of blisters, skin chapped and torn but she was determined to raise the money because it meant so much to her."
"Her stepfather passed away from cancer," I told them.
"We know, she did it in his memory," Hannah said as she got up, pulling Libby with her as they left to help make the children's breakfast, myself I continued to watch Ana sleep.
…
"Good morning" Ana mumbled about thirty minutes later, taking a few minutes to open her eyes before she could focus on anything. "You're hot."
"So are you" I laughed as she finally sat up before trying to wipe away the little bit of drool she had left on my top. "Leave it alone, I suspect it won't be the last time" I teased, moving out of the way as she tried to poke me in the side.
Moving out of her reach on the tiny bed we were on, left me lying on the dusty floor.
"I will have a look around, see if they have any broken beds we can fix or unused mattresses because we can't spend the next month sleeping like this."
"Ana, it's fine, I didn't mind and as you said last night, it's not like we haven't slept that close before."
"I know, I just don't want you feeling uncomfortable having to share with me every night."
"Uncomfortable" I laughed. "Believe me that's the last thing I was feeling last night."
She didn't say anything more although I did detect the hint of blush on her cheeks. Maybe it was the heat because even at this time of the day I was starting to sweat or maybe it was the way she made me feel having her this close to me, the only woman who I have ever truly wanted by my side.
We left the room behind, my morning wash with the same cold water Ana used. Considering how much I had refilled my water bottle last night from the tap just outside of the orphanage, gotten in line just like all the others to get something we took for granted at home, I realised how precious each drop was.
"Will the tap ever run out," I asked Ana as we entered a large room which doubled up as the school but at the moment was being used to make sure everyone was fed.
"I don't know, I hope not but with very little rainfall what water they do get comes from under the ground. Our world is changing day by day so what we may have now, come tomorrow may be gone. With that, the work I've done here will also be gone because even the food I have managed to start growing needs a little water"
"We will have to make sure it doesn't then" I stated, receiving a smile.
I helped clear away once the meal was finished before I was faced with something I can't remember the last time I'd done, washing dishes and they would only be done after the water had been made safe. This building had water, but it wasn't safe to drink, unlike the tap that had been placed on the street outside for everyone in the town to use. Having it to a building was a major achievement Sanyu told me, having toilets even more than that so watching as he dropped what looked like a large white tablet into the sink that was filling with water, a tablet he told me would clear the water, kill all germs and get rid of anything that would make us sick, could the dishwashing begin.
No dishwasher, not that I knew how to use it anyway but not having water that was even safe to wash a dish in never mind drink had my mind all over the place.
When the dishes were done I felt a little out of place as everyone had a job to do here, everyone except me. Dembe soon found me something to do though, helping out with the maintenance of the building and grounds, that was until the bell at the gate sounded and everyone stopped.
"What's going on," I asked Sanyu.
"An arrival" was all he said as we watched Dembe make her way across the yard towards the wall that separated the orphanage grounds and the town outside. Seconds was all she spoke to whoever was there before ushering them inside. "At least they stayed," he said.
"What do you mean."
"This place was set up by Dembe many many years ago as a school. She had grown up in an orphanage a few towns over before finding a home with a family from your country. When she was old enough, had a little money behind her she came back only meaning to spend a year as she wanted to educate the girls she had come across as only the boys in the family were deemed important enough to be sent to school. She never went back to America apart from to visit her parents or they came here to see her. With them now long gone from this earth, she has stayed here, teaching the children, boys as well as the girls, giving them all the knowledge they need to hopefully help them survive outside of these walls. Children, girls especially are protected here, not married off, no chance of being raped as many who enter that gate have been. Most leave their child on the steps hoping that here they will have a better life, or do not wish to deal with a child with a disability and then just walk away. Whoever has just walked through those doors with a babe in her arms, I can guarantee had a start to life that you would not want to wish on an enemy. With Dembe, with people like Ana, what was her start will not be her end."
"You're very passionate about what you do here Sanyu."
"I have to be, you see my sister was one of those girls, sent away by my father to be married when she was nothing more than a child and I've never seen her since. I looked but was unable to find her, I suspect if I do find her though it will be her grave now that I see. She would've been Ana's age now, they would've gotten on very well as they have the same heart."
Upon hearing her name and knowing what she had been through on her own made me want to reach out to Ana, hold her if only for a second just to make sure she had not disappeared again. When I did find her, I let her be as she comforted the young woman whose baby at the moment was being tended to by a doctor as he was struggling to breathe.
I tried to keep myself busy for the rest of the day, helping the children with their school work before helping Dembe collect a few vegetables from the garden, which will be put with the basics for tonight's meal.
Watching her pull up the carrots from the ground, each one carefully placed into her trug as if it was the most delicate of things, I tried to emulate her gentleness when I pulled a few potatoes up too.
"Maybe we have apples one day," she said to me, pointing to what looked like the start of two trees.
"If Ana's planted it, I have no doubt you will," I said, smiling. "Are those fruit trees as well?" I asked, nodding to two trees that were in a walled-off area of the garden.
"No, they were here before I was, have grown even though until Ana came here nothing else would. That's our memory garden" she told me as I stepped closer to the wall, seeing crosses in the ground along the far wall and also what looked like pebbles around the base of the trees.
"What is this" I whispered.
"As I said, a memory garden. Not every child that comes through our doors survives and that can sometimes include their mothers too. Some are too sick when they arrive that no matter how much we try, there is nothing we can do. Some never have peace in their lives but we try at least to grant them peace in their death."
I didn't realise as we had been speaking that Dembe had taken my arm and led me through the small gate and to the base of one of the trees. It was surrounded by stones, pebbles all with a name engraved upon them, some with a date too. These were the for the babies who never got to take their first breath she told me, never got to spend a day on this earth. Born sleeping, even those who never had a chance to grow fully inside their mother were remembered here. It was hard seeing this here before me with my child no longer on this earth, hard as well to imagine what these women had gone through just to find themselves here, knowing my Ana had gone through hell too.
As I was about to turn my head away from them and follow Dembe back through the gate, one stone caught my eye.
T. R. Grey.
It wasn't an African name and there would only be one reason for a stone to be here baring my surname. As I knelt down, running my finger over the letters, I heard a sob behind me.
I turned to see Ana stood on the other side of the wall, tears now falling down her cheeks. Leaving the stone for a moment, I leapt to my feet and ran for her as she wept before pulling her tightly to me.
I held Ana as she cried, having no doubt that the stone was there to represent our child. Cradling her face within my hands as I brushed her tears away ignoring my own, there was only one thing I asked.
"T R."
"Yes," she whispered.
"Why T R."
"I didn't want our child to be nameless, they were alive even if only for a short time. I would never know what sex they would become so I chose letters which would mean something to you and me. Theodore Raymond for a boy as you were always close to your grandfather, he stuck up for you back then more times than I can count and you know what Raymond meant to me... and Tilly Rose."
"Tilly Rose Grey, why Tilly Rose," I asked.
"It's silly," she said shyly.
"No it's not Ana, it must mean something to you if you chose that as a name for our child. I understand the Rose as it's your middle name."
"It is, and I loved the name Rose although at the time I didn't know it was grandma's name too. Tilly came from Tillandsia," she said, smiling sadly as she looked over to our child's initials engraved in the stone. "It was the first thing I ever grew with Ray beside the vegetables, the first thing he let me grow on my own with his guidance of course. It is not something that we can eat but just like with all the other things I grew with him it started my love of plants and everything that we can grow."
"It's a beautiful name and I'm sure whichever name they received they would've loved it," I said.
"I hope so," Ana whispered wrapping her arms around my waist, her head resting against my chest as she closed her eyes. I placed a kiss upon the top of her head, holding her as tightly as she held me. It was many minutes later when Ana let go as she looked up into my eyes. "If they had been born, I would've told you. I would've never kept them from you Christian no matter what was going on between you and me."
"I know Ana," I said, placing a kiss upon her forehead as she once again closed her eyes.
"I came out here to see if you needed a hand not to once again wet your shirt," Ana said when we eventually parted.
"Tears, drool, bogies, my shirt is always ready to wipe them away."
"Ugh, not bogies" she giggled.
"Yes, even them. Now, you've been on your feet all day," I told her. "Why don't you rest."
"I'll rest when I'm sleeping, we all do so what can I help with."
Dembe who had been sat on a bench in the garden told Ana we had all the vegetables we needed for one meal so we followed her into the kitchen as I held Ana tightly to my side.
…
My days here seemed to continue the same. Wake up with Ana and make myself useful while she and the others tended to the food that had already been planted before planting new crops and seeds. I also left the orphanage when Ana did as she visited some of the many tin houses, sheds, shacks, no they were homes, nearby. Here Ana gave help to those who needed it with planting their seeds and, showing them how best to get the most out of their land. While I did help a little, I watched Ana constantly, never feeling prouder of anyone more in my life.
One thing that did change was how closer we were becoming and I don't just mean when we slept. Little touches between us, smiles that were meant just for the other, they all added to the love I felt for this woman
I'd had contact with GEH back home, mostly with Taylor who wasn't happy that he had been left behind. He'd not had the vaccinations that would be safe for him to travel here having missed my previous trip to Africa due to a bug he had caught off his daughter. He had protested then and recently before I came here but just like when I went on my last trip, I was nobody of importance to these people in monetary means, just by the help I gave them.
"Are you up for a trip out of here today?" Ana asked me the week before we were due to go home.
"Of course" I replied, "Where are we going."
"Philipe travels to some of the more remote villages twice a month and does a clinic there. He has already left as he has many stops on his way but I said I would meet him at the larger of the towns to help out, we won't be back until tomorrow evening though so you will be spending the night under the stars."
"No hanging onto each other in that tiny bed," I asked making her laugh.
"Not tonight, unless you want to stay here then you can have that luxurious bed to yourself."
"No, I will come," I told her.
"Then tonight's bed will be the back of the flatbed truck."
The back of that truck would have to be cleared out before anyone slept on it, I thought as Ana started to drive. It was full of rice, grain, seeds and tools at the moment that Ana said we'll be giving out to the villages we pass on the way.
"Are you looking forward to getting home, back to civilisation?" she asked me as the town we had spent close to a month now in was far behind us and we were surrounded by barren land.
"Honestly," I said, seeing her nod. "Not really."
"Why."
"I don't know, being out here with you, being me, I don't want to go back to how things were before."
"They don't have to Christian besides I have enough evidence to show the real you. I'm sure a few of those photos getting out would shatter any image you had before this trip."
I laughed at her words, as she once again took a photo of me before her hands were back on the wheel. That camera of Ana's had gone everywhere with her on this trip, not only documenting the results of her work with what she's grown and what has not done so well but the smiles, the laughter too.
Smiles and laughter of the children as they learn something new, taste something new they had grown here but for us, there had also been tears. Those had not been documented with a photograph but would stay with us long after we had left this place as they had been imprinted on our hearts and our minds.
Tears for a sick pregnant girl who had stumbled onto the orphanage steps who upon delivering the baby, we had lost them both. Holding Ana that night as she cried in my arms had been one of the hardest moments of this trip only matched by seeing my child's name in stone. The girl had been one amongst many, too many as far as I was concerned and now the memory garden had a new cross added beside the others. After speaking with Dembe last night, I assured her whatever she needed here, whatever the cost to make these girls, these young women feel safe, would be done. We can't save them all but we can at least try and save many, give them a safe place to stay.
We arrived at the village, well it was more like a city, a city of huts, of metal buildings as far as the eye could see. At first, it was the children who ran to see us but seeing what we had upon the back of the truck, we were soon surrounded by those desperate to get their hands on what we had brought.
"Now the fun starts," Ana said, getting out before climbing onto the back of the truck. She shouted out, being drowned out by all those shouting at her to give the food to them before a whistle left her lips.
What I thought would be carnage, with the help of some of the locals turned to calm. We had brought a lot of supplies with us and they were soon given out, revealing to us our place to sleep for the night.
"Thank you," Ana said to what seemed the leader of the group who had come to help us.
"No, thank you, once again" he replied before he too left us alone.
"Everyone has a little food I hope, what about us, are you hungry," Ana asked me.
"Sure, but where and what are we eating," I asked.
"There is a little delicacy in these parts, its called rice and beans, would you like to try it" she laughed before starting the truck and drove us away from town to an area where we would be on our own. We would be back in the morning but for now, it was just us.
I hadn't been nervous being around those people, they came for the food we had brought with us. I had noticed the way some of the younger men watched Ana though as if she was on the menu too. They would have to get past me first, but being away from them now though means I don't have to deal with them.
I watched Ana as she made our dinner, brushing any stray seeds and grain from the back of the truck into a pile. Waste nothing I had learned while I'm here because even if it was not food for us, it would be a meal for another.
"It's strange being here, like I'm sleeping under a different sky, different stars than at home," Ana said as we bedded down for the night, after removing the small mattress and blankets from inside the truck. We had a mosquito net above us that we had secured to the side of the truck. One that thankfully didn't block the view.
"I suppose we are. Being here, compared to the luxury's we have at home is like being on a different planet, never mind a different continent." I replied as she turned on her side to face me.
Tentatively, I moved my hand to her face, pushing a stray piece of hair from her cheek. I had wanted to touch her, hold her all day that I was unable to stop myself now.
At my touch, she closed her eyes, a smile coming to her lips. Upon opening them again, she brought her face closer to mine.
"Can I kiss you?" I asked, hoping that my question wouldn't mess up the progress we had made.
"Yes," she whispered before I brought my lips to hers.
As they touched a shiver travelled through my body as if awakening every feeling I had pushed aside for this woman over the years, not daring to believe I could hold her again. I was holding her though, pulling her close to me as she pulled me closer too, our lips expressing what our words had been yet to say.
I had told Ana I had loved her so many times over the years but to her, she may have thought that was the love of a best friend. I was in love with her and had been for so long so as the words left my lips in-between the kisses we shared, I made sure she understood each one.
"I love you, I've been in love with you for so long, I couldn't honestly tell you when it started because it's always been there" I spoke as I hovered over her, in our need to hold each other, we had moved so she was under me.
"The others" she spoke and I know what she was asking, how could I be in love with her and still act as I cared for no one but me.
"Stupidity of a teenager that continued as an adult, ignorance of what I was feeling and the need I felt to hide. I lost myself for so long Ana that when I found you again, I found me."
"I'm glad because I love you so much Christian Grey, and I don't just mean as my best friend. I'm in love with you too and have been for so long."
I crashed my lips to Ana's again, the passion between us nothing I had ever felt before. Upon breaking apart to take a breath, I looked longingly into her eyes, trying to express without words that no more mistakes, no more misunderstandings would ever happen and tear us apart again.
Under the canopy of stars then, I kissed Ana, telling her over and over again how much she meant to me.
Thank you for reading.
Until next time, take care.
Caroline
