At dinner, Edward and Myra go off to do their own thing with their group of friends and I sit with the others. We try not to let things be awkward and to pretend like we don't miss our families so we spend a good chunk of our meal in silence, occasionally looking up at each other but never able to find the right words to say.
I miss my family already. Over the past few weeks I had almost been able to fool myself into thinking that everything was fine because I belong here, and I have new friends now, and my old life doesn't matter. But of course I matters; because I know the truth. I can never really belong in Dauntless. I could have stayed in Erudite, or gone to Amity, and I'll always wonder how either of those choices would have turned out for me. Staying in Erudite would have meant being with Kira and Eliza; we could have studied together, and maybe today I would have finally gotten to meet Kira's parents. At the end of initiation, we could have all picked apartments near each other; nothing would ever have had to really change.
I want to be happy here. I really, really do. I want to be like Mark and Minerva, separate but satisfied where I am. But I guess that's just not how it works for me; I mean it's different for them because they're normal, but I'm Divergent I guess that just means I physically cannot fit entirely into one place. I wish I could though, everyone else just seems so happy where they are and I want that so badly. I love my friends, and I like being here but I miss my family and my old friends so much and sometimes I just wish that I could go back to that; back to when everything was still the same.
"So…" Christina says, "that was…a lot."
"No kidding." Will chuckles. "I had no idea that Cara knew your sister, Mimi."
"Yeah, me neither actually." Melanie has a lot of people that she doesn't like and that don't like her, maybe she's mentioned Cara before but after a while it just all starts to blur together. However, I'm not really used to people being that blatant about it. Most people begrudgingly respect Melanie no matter how much they hate her, or at the very least they're polite. "Um, your family seemed nice, Chris."
"Yeah, frankly I was expecting a lot worse. Al, did you get a chance to see your family?"
Al looks up from his food. "Huh? Uh, no, I didn't see them."
"I'm sorry, Bud." Will puts his hand on his shoulder.
Al shrugs him off. "It's fine. It doesn't make much of a difference to me."
After all the crying that Al's done, I would think that he'd be really excited to see his family again.
Tris gives him an odd look, but then seems to shrug it off.
I nudge her gently with my elbow. "That wasn't as terrible as it could have been, right?"
She chuckles. "I mean, yes, but I wouldn't call it good."
I drop my voice to just above a mutter. "Just wait until next year. My mother promised she'd drag Jeanine away from her office for an hour or so to visit me too."
Tris nearly spits out her drink and Will audibly chokes on his own spit.
"You're shitting me!" he exclaims.
"I keep telling you guys that we're really close and that she's a very close personal friend of both of my parents so I don't know why you're still surprised."
"You'll have to forgive us." Will laughs. "It's…jarring. It was weird enough to see the Michael Malachite actually smiling, and I'm still processing that."
I giggle. "Just wait till you meet Gwen."
Will's quiet for a second before things seem to connect and he pulls a face. "Fine. Dr. Malachite I'll believe, but there is no way in hell or heaven high that you're going to make me believe Gwendolyn fucking Morgan is just a completely different person the moment she's out of the public eye."
"I guess you'll just have to see it for yourself then."
"And I won't believe it a moment sooner."
"You guys are doing that thing again," Christina says with a slight whine to her voice. "You know, the one where you just talk like any of us have any clue what you're going on about."
"My sister's fiancée is head of the chemistry department."
"She's terrifying," Will interjects. "My sister works with her and she's just kind of…" he gives me a quick glance, "yeesh."
I laugh. "I've seen her in work mode. You don't have to explain it to me."
"Have you heard that rumor about, like, you know, the one where she just kind of…sprang out of the shadows one day; fully formed and capable of mapping advanced chemical equations."
I snicker. "Yeah, whatever. They say basically the same thing about Jeanine's secretary. For a faction of intellectuals, people can be astoundingly stupid."
"It's funny. And it's not like anyone knows where she comes from anyways, therefore it is also plausible."
"You're an idiot," I say teasingly. "She transferred from Dauntless. Fuckin' her mother was the leader two years ago, don't know how anyone forgot that."
Will is silent long enough for me to realize my mistake. Gwendolyn hates being associated with Dauntless and it's not really something I'm supposed to just go around telling people.
"I guess the truth really is stranger than fiction." He shakes his head and takes a sip of his water.
"Yeah, you can't go around telling people that. She hates it."
He sniggers. "Yeah, I'll bet she does."
"What does that mean?" Al asks.
"It means that the Erudite are really crazy snobby and they find any association with Dauntless horrifically embarrassing."
"Oh." Al gives Will and I a sympathetic look. "Your families must not have been very happy then. That sucks."
"Yeah, my parents aren't happy. My sister just wants to support me in whatever I do, but they're a little…harder to convince."
"I'm sure they'll come around eventually." Christina touches his shoulder.
He shrugs. "Even if they don't it's not like it matters very much to me anymore. I don't have to care what they think of me."
"Yeah, but it's nice to have your family a hundred percent behind you."
"Dauntless is my family now." He smiles wide and puts his hand over Christina's.
After a moment the two of them seem to grow awkward and pull away, exchanging nervous laughs and smiles. I can see Will blushing and I suddenly feel awkward and jealous for no reason. Not possessive, and not really directed at either one of them in particular. Just…not liking this situation as much as I was a minute ago.
Then Will glances back at me with a smile, I don't see a hint of the quietly homesick boy that I usually see at any mention at all of our old faction. Instead he just looks energetic, alive, and happy to be here.
' I don't have to care what they think of me ,' his words echo in my mind and I know that there's truth to them. That none of us have to be what our parents wanted us to be, by virtue of being here we are not. But I just can't bring myself to believe that. I know that I'm never going to be exactly what my parents and my siblings wanted for me, but I can't just stop caring about their opinions entirely. It means the world to me that Minerva told me that she was proud, that she's happy that I'm here and that I'm well. She's happy that I'm here; I can't believe that any of them are really happy that I'm Dauntless.
But I guess I've always said that Minerva would fit here much better than I ever could. Maybe I'm actually right.
I smile back at him.
"I kind of wish my parents didn't come." Christina folds her arms. "They're always just...like that ." She gestures vaguely at nothing. "I never really minded it growing up but now…" She huffs. "They're not being honest, they're just being rude."
"Oh trust me," Will says, "I so know what you mean. My whole family is stuck up Erudite and I love them, but it wouldn't kill them to be nicer from time to time. Maybe."
She cracks a smile. "I'm glad you get it. All my old friends just spouted off the same things my parents did about being polite and how I was being oversensitive just because I wanted to be, like, nice to people sometimes."
Al nods in agreement. "I know what you mean. When I was friends with - um, I had this friend who the older we got seemed to get just more and more snarky and aggressive. The whole group was like that too except for me and finally I just gave up on them. I feel bad but like…"
"It wasn't good for you," Will finishes for him. "I totally get it. Yeah, everyone in Erudite is so fixated on being better than everyone else. I couldn't take it anymore, something had to give and I know it broke my family's hearts seeing me leave but...I couldn't be that guy anymore. I felt bad all the time and everyone else felt bad too."
I nod. "Friendships in Erudite seem to form just exclusively out of being just completely miserable all the time. Not mine, I had - I had a couple friends who kept things light but, I mean I watched people around me."
Will nods in understanding.
"I mean I had a dog," Christina said, "so when push came to shove he always cheered me up."
"Lucky," Will replies. "I wanted a cat so bad when I was a kid. But Erudite doesn't allow pets."
"What?!" Christina exclaims. "You weren't allowed to have pets?!" She smacks the table with her palm. "Why not?!"
He shrugs. "Because they're illogical. "What's the point in providing food and shelter for an animal that just soils your furniture, makes your home smell bad, and ultimately dies?"
"But they're cute, and fun, and they love you so much!"
"Yeah, but people can do the same thing," I say.
"Not really. I had a dog named Chunker and he was better than any person, let me tell you." She laughs. "There was this one time that we were having relatives over and my dad made this huge rotisserie chicken and then left it alone to go do something else and by the time he came back Chunker had knocked it down and eaten the whole thing. It was hilarious."
Will and I share a look. Then he says, "Was it though? I mean there goes your dinner, right? And you were having family over."
"Yeah but we just went out instead. Still it was really, really funny even with the mess."
He rolls his eyes. "Okay, sure. Why not just get a dog after initiation if you're so nostalgic?"
"Because…" her smile drops and she picks at her food uncomfortably. "you know. Dogs are kind of ruined for me now; the aptitude test and all…"
We're not supposed to talk about the Aptitude Test at all even after our choosing. I suppose that's for the sake of not spoiling it, saving the those who run the test the trouble of having to change it every year so as not to influence other people's choices. I especially am not supposed to talk about it, my strange results at all. But I see time and time again that no one really seems to heed that rule. Even my sister, who assists in running the test as one of her duties as head of the psychology department, seems completely unconcerned with the rules against talking about it; asking about my results not even an hour afterward.
"You mean...killing the dog, right?" Will says with a grimace. The mood at our table has shifted dramatically, all of us far more somber.
Even Christina, a dog person obviously, took the knife and killed the dog to achieve her Dauntless result. The sound of the knife clattering across the cafeteria floor echoes through my mind. I could have killed it, but I was never going to do that. As much as I don't want to hurt people, I want to hurt animals even less. I can't imagine ever stabbing anything, real or simulated that dog seemed so alive.
It wasn't real, it visibly changed once I calmed it down. But if anything that only makes the thought worse; it wasn't real, it can't feel fear or pain really. But I can't see it other way, defensive and afraid.
"Yeah," Christina says, snapping me from the memory of my test. "I mean you guys all had to do that too, right?"
She looks around, first at Al, then Tris, and her eyes narrow. "You didn't."
"Hm?" Tris looks up.
"You're hiding something. People fidget when they lie."
"Come again?"
"In Candor," Al says, "we're taught to identify what people look like when they lie, little tells that aren't always reliable but in a general sense are pretty applicable. I guess it's kind of like a science."
"Oh." She scratches the back of her neck. "Well…"
"See, there it is again!" Christina points at her hand."
I weave my fingers together under the table and squeeze my hands together, not wanting Christina to pick up on the same tells.
Then, with no small amount of horror, I think of my sister. I run back through the events of the day, I don't think I said or did anything that might have given me away. They never bothered to ask about my Aptitude Test again, my parents and the twins no doubt aware of the fact that I lied to them the night before the Choosing Ceremony. Still, I have no idea what she may or may not have picked up on. If she does know, at least she was kind enough not to say anything around the rest of our family.
"No," Tris says after a long pause. "I didn't kill the dog."
"How did you get Dauntless without using the knife?" Will narrows his eyes.
"How do you know that's the only way to get Dauntless?" I say before Tris can speak.
"How would you know it isn't?" There's no hostility in his tone, only curiosity.
"I don't, but I assume the test is a bit more complicated than that. I mean if there were only one way to receive a result, why not just give us a normal test."
"So that we answer honestly," Al says. "People lie, Mimi."
"Yeah, I know."
"And they did give a normal test before," Will says. "Shouldn't you know that being as close to Jeanine as you are?"
"She and my parents don't like to talk about it. Probably because we're not supposed to."
"It doesn't matter." Christina makes a dismissive gesture. "We've already gotten through it, and it's not like we're spoiling it for anyone."
"Back to the subject at hand," Will turns his head, "Tris?"
She grimaces, clearly unhappy that I hadn't derailed the conversation completely. She sighs and then says, "I didn't get Dauntless. I got Abnegation."
A silence descends over the table. It's not often that people choose a faction they don't have an aptitude for, it's even less often that those people admit it. I guess I'm not the only one pretending to be something that I'm not.
"But you chose Dauntless anyways," Christina says slowly. "Why?"
"I told you," she snickers, "it was the food."
She laughs. "Did you guys know that Tris had never seen a hamburger before she came here? Four had to explain the whole thing to her."
"Also she got real prickly with him," I interject. "Don't forget that."
"Like you have any room to talk." She drops her voice into a stilted monotone, "If you don't want people asking follow up questions then maybe you should answer the first time."
"That is not what I sound like."
"It was," Will says. "You could basically hear the stick up your ass."
"You cannot bitch at your sister about me being mean to you and then say things like that."
"He's right though," Christina says through her laughter. "You were so prim and proper, it's weird to see you now
"Okay, but at least I could let people get through a sentence without interrupting. As I seem to recall, that was how I found out your name."
Christina flushes, remembering how Four got up in her face on the first day.
"Okay, okay," Al interrupts. "I think that we can all agree that we all sucked when we first got here and just be happy that we don't suck anymore."
"I don't know what you're talking about," Will says. "I've been great since day one."
I snort and Christina says "Yeah, then you opened your mouth and it's all been downhill from there."
Will makes an exaggerated whining noise. "Al," he says, drawing out the l in his name. "Mimi and Chris are being jerks again."
Al raises his hands. "I have no control over them."
"Oh, some help you are." He rolls his eyes and mock sulks, resting his chin on both of his fists. Christina and I exchange smiles over him, Al just shakes his head.
After dinner is over we walk back to the dorms, where we'll see our rankings. I feel like my heart is beating out of my chest and it must show on my face because Christina grabs my hand and smiles at me.
"You good?"
"I'm nervous." Seeing my family again has only made me more aware of the fact that if I'm going to be here then I have to do well. I have to be absolutely amazing actually, because that's the only way I'm going to be successful and I absolutely have to be successful.
"We're going to be fine," she assures me.
"I need to be doing a lot better than fine."
She squeezes my hand. "Chill. I get that your mother's amazing and whatever but you don't have to be her."
I try to laugh but it comes out too flat and nervous. "I could never be her, believe me. There's no amounting to what she is."
"And you don't have to. Now come on, I wanna watch Peter throw a fit when he isn't first." She pulls me along and I laugh.
Peter can't be ranked first he's nowhere near as good as Edward in any regard, it's just something that everyone knows even if Peter himself won't admit it.
We lose the others at some point, Christina is practically running and I'm quite excited myself, also she has yet to let go of my hand.
We shoulder our way toward the front of the crowd, where Four leans against the wall with a board at his feet, whatever's written on it faces the wall.
"For those of you who just got here, I'm explaining how we determine the ranks," he says. "Dauntless initiation works off of a points system, sort of like how your grades in school worked. There's a certain number of points possible for every stage of initiation. Obviously you gain points for doing well, lose points for losing or just generally being bad at training, the one with the highest number of points is ranked first. To make things fair, different skills are scored differently, with the fights being weighted the heaviest in stage one. For the fights we work off of a skill level based system, and your scores depend on your skill level and the level of the person you won or lost against. You earn more points for improving and more points for beating someone of a high skill level. I don't reward preying on the weak. That is cowardice." I swear that he glances at Peter when he says that. ""If you have a high rank, you lose points for losing to a low-ranked opponent." Molly grumbles under her breath and a snicker runs through our little crowd. "Stage two is weighted more heavily because it's more tied to overcoming cowardice. That said, it's extremely hard to rank high at the end if you start out bad in stage one. What we're about to show you are just your rankings, not the Dauntless-born's and we're not going to list the points either, just where you stand. We'll announce cuts tomorrow and the fact that you transfers and the Dauntless-born may have different skill levels won't be taken into consideration."
"Then what is even the point of using skill based grading?" I mutter, Christina shrugs.
"Tomorrow four of you could be factionless and none of them, or four of them and none of you, or any combination thereof. That said, here are your ranks."
He hangs the board on the wall and steps away, before the clamor can grow too loud he shouts, "Stage two starts Monday, be ready."
The rankings on the board are:
Edward
Peter
Of course. As much as I hate him, I can never deny that Peter's good. But it makes me feel good to see that Edward ranked above him.
Mimi
God, I half expected it to just say 'Ice Queen', Well okay, I guess that rank is pretty good. It's not like I didn't know that I wasn't going to be number one, there are lots of better fighters than me and I could absolutely be doing worse. Like Christina said, I've got time to improve. I just have to do better than them in stage 2. I skim down the columns for other names that I recognize.
Will
Christina
Molly
Tris
Drew
Al
Myra
How is Myra nearly last?! I mean I'm glad that Will and Christina are doing well and Tris is mostly out of danger of being cut, but Myra is a good fighter or at least she's gotten better. I get that Al and Drew are powerhouses, but Al has lost almost every fight he's been in.
Skill based grading my ass.
Apparently I'm not the only one who takes issue with the rankings, Molly is the first to break the tension in the room when she shouts, "What?!" She points at Christina. "I beat her! I beat her in minutes! How is she ranked above me?!"
It's not like anyone needs to be reminded of what Molly did to Christina, or what followed. Christina herself tenses when Molly points at her. The memory hasn't faded for her at all either.
"If you intend to secure yourself a high rank, I suggest you don't make a habit of losing to low-ranked opponents," says Four, his voice cutting through the mutters and grumbles of the other initiates. He glances at Tris and then walks away.
Molly whirls on Tris, her face twisting into an ugly snarl. "You! You're going to pay for this."
Al plants himself in between Tris and Molly, but rather than try and attack her Molly just stalks out of the dorm, muttering. It's surprising, and concerning, Molly has never struck me as someone to take her time getting revenge and biding her anger until it's most advantageous to use it.
Peter is also concerning, I'd expect him to be loudly indignant and furious about coming in second to Edward. Instead he's lounged on his bed talking to Drew about some movie. In a way, if I didn't know him, he almost seems nonthreatening. There's nothing in his expression that suggests that he's scheming or even upset. But Peter's not a graceful loser, any offence however small is worth reacting to for him. He put both Tris and I in the infirmary for managing to land a good punch or two, and he's consistently antagonizing everyone seemingly for nothing but his own entertainment.
"Hey, number nine. Nice." Will hugs me from behind, his arms wrapping around my shoulders.
I put my hands on his forearms. "Thanks. Looks like the three of us are in the top five." I grin at Christina and she returns it. Will lets go to high-five her.
"And number seven." Will claps his hand on Tris' shoulder.
"It still might not be good enough," she reminds him.
"Yeah, but it's a lot better than some people," she glances over at Peter and Drew, "ever thought you would do."
I chuckle. "After what happened yesterday, I don't think Tris has to worry about anyone ever underestimating her ever again."
"You're gonna be fine," Will says. "Now come on, this is something worth celebrating. We're one step closer to being Dauntless."
"By all means." Christina takes Tris and Al's hands and starts pulling them toward the door.
"You guys have fun." Al pulls his hand away. "I'm just gonna go to bed."
"Come on, Al. You don't know how the Dauntless-born did, none of us know anything for sure." Christina tries to grab his hand again but he moves away.
"I'm just…tired."
We give him one last concerned glance before heading for the door, leaving him to his sadness. As we pass by Edward and Myra's bunk, I pause.
"I'll catch up with you guys."
Myra and Edward are sitting together on the edge of the bottom bunk, their hands intertwined and Myra's face pressed into the crook of his neck. Edward nods at me and I sit down on her other side. I hear a stifled sob come from her and I put my hand on her shoulder.
"Myra," I say softly.
She looks at me finally, her cheeks wet with tears and her mascara starting to run, painting black rivulets down her face. I try to wipe them away with the pad of my thumb but most of it only smears.
"What?" her voice is soft and low.
"I'm sorry. Do you…do you want to come out and celebrate with Tris, the others, and I?"
She sniffles and scowls. "What's to celebrate? Your successes? Congratulations by the way."
I won my fight against Myra yesterday. Maybe if I hadn't she wouldn't be ranked so low, I wouldn't be ranked as high as I am but I can't help but think that doesn't matter if it meant sparing her. At least one if not two people from the transfer class is going to get cut, there's no way that four Dauntless-born did badly enough to spare all ten of us.
"I'm sorry," I say. "I know how hard you've worked since the beginning, we all know how hard you've worked. It's not fair and it's not right that you're ranked last.
Myra turns her head and looks in the direction of Al's bunk, where he's curled up on his side. There's something fierce and bitter in her eyes, he lost pretty much every fight and he still came out ahead of her.
"You belong here and it is a fucking travesty that Four and Eric can't see that."
You belong here more than I ever could , I think.
She sniffles again. "Thanks, Mimi."
"Is there anything you need? Anything at all?"
She rubs her eyes with the heels of her hands, smearing her eyeshadow and eyeliner as well. "No, I think I'm good. Go celebrate with the others, 'kay? I'm fine here."
I put my hands over hers. "Are you sure. I'd rather stay here with you if that's what you want."
"No, go have fun. I'll…see you later." I hug her tight and we stay like that for a few seconds, then she lets out a shaky breath and pulls away.
"Go."
I try to smile at her but it's hard when she's so sad and about to be cut. She smiles back at me through her tears and I have to walk out the door before I start crying too. I take a second in the hallway to just breathe and collect myself. I do think that if I had known Myra wasn't doing well I would have thrown that fight. She's my friend and maybe that is worth sacrificing my rank for. Four did say that it was possible to greatly improve your rank in stages two and three. I should have just taken the blow to my pride and been done with it.
I don't actually go and catch up with my friends. Instead I go to one of the salons in the Pit and stare at my reflection in the lit-up mirror as white-haired stylist runs a brush covered in dye over certain sections of my now bleached hair then wrapping them in foil. They try to talk to me as they work but eventually tire of my monotonous, clipped answers and resign themselves to silence.
I'm sure my friends have begun to wonder where I am by now, or maybe they haven't, they seemed pretty eager to go out and celebrate however the Dauntless do it. I'm not really Dauntless, I wouldn't know how to act I guess so it doesn't matter. I can keep faking all I like, maybe even for the rest of my life, but I'll always know that I don't really belong here. Tris, no matter what she said about getting Abnegation, absolutely belongs here. She's been the bravest and boldest among us since day one, I've just been trying to find a place that I fit in this incredible mess. Already I've begun to notice the various subcultures that Dauntless has, just like Erudite had. I like to think that somewhere in there is the sort of person that I can be happy pretending to be.
' I just want you to be happy ,' my sister said. It wasn't a lie when I told her that I am happy, that I like being here and that I like my friends. I've admired Dauntless for so long, but it's different from the outside looking in. As an Erudite I only saw the idea of Dauntless, and in some ways I guess I was only seeing what I wanted Dauntless to be; the kind of messy freedom I thought might make me happy in a way that I never could be in Erudite. I couldn't see what awaited me here, and obviously it's nothing like I ever imagined. Good and bad, this isn't the Dauntless that I thought I knew when I admired them from the school windows or when I watched them in the cafeteria or when I talked to Kira.
Kira . I wish I could see her, that I could visit. I wonder how she's doing in Erudite, it's kind of rough even for some of the toughest people. I hope that she's happy, I really hope that it's everything she hoped it would be because god knows that's not how it worked out in Erudite. A very selfish part of me wishes that she'd stayed here, it would be so comforting to have a face that I knew well, someone who knew the faction and might be able to help me.
I want to visit. I wish I could talk to her, even just to see her, or Eliza, or Casey would be such a comfort. I love my new friends, but I miss my old ones more than I could possibly say. Things were so much easier when we were all together, we all thought that we knew who we were and what our futures were. I had just assumed that I would work things out in time, that as I got older Erudite would just start to feel more right to me.
No such luck I guess; I mean Dauntless is...it's fine, I like it here. I swear I do. I just...can't help wondering what might have been had I eventually been able to work things out, to just be happy there. There are things that I miss, not just people but tiny little things I'd hardly noticed or always taken for granted because that was just how my life was. And now I'm here and I don't know what I'm doing, I can't even really figure out why I'm here at all.
An hour or so later the hairdresser says, "And there you go. How do you like it?"
She helps me pull my hair back into an elegant style and for a moment I'm reminded of my old self decked in blue and trying to be something I wasn't. I guess I'm still trying at that second thing.
"I like it a lot. Thank you."
After paying at the front I walk out onto the balcony that overlooks the center of the Pit, scanning the crowd for my friends. I almost run my fingers through my hair out of habit, but stop myself. Maybe I should go back and be with Myra, this is our last night together and I should try to make the most out of it, right?
I should probably get back before she goes to sleep too; I want her to see my hair as soon as possible. If she's leaving forever than the least I can do to remember her is take her fashion advice.
I take my time walking back to the dormitory; as much as I want to celebrate with Tris and the others, I feel like Myra needs my support. When I finally arrive it's empty save for Al, Edward, and Myra. She lifts her head and then jumps up at the sight of me, a big grin splitting her face.
"Mimi!" she squeals. Her tears have dried now, but she obviously hasn't moved much since I left because the running makeup is still on her cheeks.
"Do you like it?"
"I love it." She puts her hands on my shoulders. "I told you it would look good."
"And you were right. Now here's hoping that Eric and/or Four don't personally skin me alive for not coming off as a hundred percent loyal to Dauntless."
"It's just a color," she says.
"Oh I know that. But y'know," I make sort of an exaggerated gesture with my hands, "Four."
She giggles and then hugs me tight. "I'm going to miss you so much."
I hug her back, once again fighting the urge to cry. "It's not going to be the same without you." I leave out the part where I'm so worried about her, about how she'll manage to survive factionless.
"You can't forget about me, okay? I know we weren't friends for very long, but please don't."
"I could never."
Eventually, with great reluctance, we pull apart and I go sit down on my bed. Edward and Myra cuddle, both of them starting to drift off. I watch them for a minute, Myra's gentle smile as she leans against his chest and Edward with tears gathering in his eyes as he runs his fingers through her hair. Then I pull my journal out from under my mattress and tear my eyes away.
October 8 th 499
Today was Visiting Day, which I've been anticipating and dreading ever since I left. My parents and the twins know that I lied to them; they know and I half expected them to bring it up. And for the first time in many weeks, I feel bad; I feel guilty about it all over again, and I can't help but wonder what might have happened if I had chosen just based off of that one promise.
Of course, there's no guarantee I would have made it through Erudite's initiation either. Their cuts will be made tonight or tomorrow since they're the only other faction with the ten week initiation. Kira and Eliza will be fine; in fact I wouldn't at all be surprised if Eliza was ranked first, she's always been kind of a genius. Actually more than kind of; she's a genius.
Me though, well I'm certainly in no danger of getting cut but three of my friends are. I absolutely couldn't care less about Drew, but if he gets cut that means Myra also gets cut and I don't want to be here without her. I don't want to be here without any of my friends, they make this all so much more bearable, but more than anything I just don't want to see them factionless. I can hardly say that I know first hand how bad it is, really that seems more like Tris' area of expertise, but I know enough. I know that it makes being successful and comfortable completely impossible. But more than anything I'm furious that Myra's last; I love Al to death but she absolutely should have ranked above him. She beat Tris and Christina in the first few weeks, she almost beat me and I just can't let go of the idea that maybe I should have let her. That's not really a very Dauntless thing to say - it's not really an Erudite thing to say either to be fair - but I care about her so much and I would do anything to help her ranking. I think Edward and I are in the same boat in that regard.
I'm glad he got ranked first instead of Peter, I'm really happy for him. I just wish that he could celebrate that. I watched him train, I was on the receiving end of that training, he works so hard and it's incredible.
I just...I just like my friends a lot and I feel like they deserve to be here a lot more than I do. Don't get me wrong, I want to be here more than anything in the world; but there's no way in this life or the next that I'm ever going to let that come at the cost of my friends. Erudite was twice as competitive just in a different way, but my friends and I never let it get in the way of our bond and I'm sure that Kira and Eliza are still that way. Shrewd as she can be sometimes, Eliza is a good person who cares a whole lot about the people close to her and would never intentionally do anything to hurt them; though I'm sure the security of being a shoo-in for the top ten definitely helps her stay that way.
I am a little worried about Kira though, not because I don't think she's smart enough to pass because she definitely is. It's just that I don't think she has it in her to be mean like Eliza can be, the mean that it takes to be a high-ranking Erudite. That's not necessarily a bad thing - scratch that, it's not a bad thing at all - but there are a lot of people around her now that would gladly do absolutely anything to get ahead. I never had that, Casey never had that, actually it always kind of scared me that Eliza did because I've seen her when there's a competitive element involved; she gets mean and it's not fun to watch.
Or maybe I'm wrong; this is Kira's birth faction after all, maybe she's just as determined to win by any means necessary as anyone here. Granted, Marlene and her friends don't really strike me as being like that but I've never had to fight them and I really hope that I never do because I have a feeling that they would not hesitate to punch me in the face.
I'm just scared. It feels weird to write that down, a lot more plain on paper than it is in my head, but I'm scared and I don't want to do this anymore. I still want to be Dauntless, I want it with all my heart I think, but I don't want to do this . I don't want to get up and run laps at six in the goddamn morning, I don't want to do target practice, I don't want to listen to Four, I don't want to be hit, I really don't want to hit other people; I just want this all to be over. I want to have this be over worth and get on with my life; go finish school and start worming my way into Dauntless' leadership as fast as humanly possible.
On some level, I get that all the things that we've been doing in training are a vital part of what makes Dauntless unique, just like a triple digit IQ and mild caffeine addiction are part of what makes Erudite unique. But I hate it; I hate it so goddamn much and I would be fucking miserable without my friends. I don't regret leaving Erudite, I think that I made the right decision and that things are going to get better and I'll be happy eventually; but truth be told I wish that I'd known what I was getting into. I think I've said that before. I think everyone wishes that. Sure, that's why we're always told that we'd better be very, very sure of our choices whether we're transferring or not - in case things don't quite turn out to be exactly like how we imagined them - but I had always thought that I had a pretty good grasp on what the different factions were like in general, now from the inside looking out I can't possibly imagine how the Dauntless that I used to admire can bring themselves to be so happy and like they haven't got a care in the world. They must know what their initiates go through, what their leaders are like. I can't fathom how they don't find it absolutely terrifying, I guess just because their Dauntless and being afraid really isn't in their nature.
Not me though; I am nothing if not the odd one out. I don't care what Tris says, her Abnegation result must have been a mistake or something because she just seems to fit here. Everything from the training to the personality just comes so naturally to her. More than that, she doesn't seem scared by any of this; she just takes it all in stride even though she's in real danger of being cut, I'm number three and I am goddamn terrified. I could wash out at any time and I know it; my spot here has never and will never be guaranteed.
I can't say the same of everyone else, every single one of them are effortlessly Dauntless and they deserve to be here, they belong here. That's why they're here in the first place, isn't it? Because they belong and because they know what they want out of life.
I just...want to be happy, I want to be successful and happy and those things very much go hand in hand. I want to make my family proud, now more than ever before; my sister is proud of me still, she's happy that I'm here. I still have something to live up to; I'm here because I didn't want to spend forever in my family's shadow, aren't I?
And speaking of family, apparently I have an aunt. A Dauntless aunt that no one ever bothered to mention before and that apparently doesn't get along with my mother. I mean, she seems kind of hard to ignore I can't possibly fathom how I'd never heard of her before. Then again, if I had a sister like that I wouldn't really want to talk about her much either. But maybe - despite how she came off - I should try and connect with her. She did seem to take an interest in me, if only to get under my mother's skin. But I guess it would be nice to have someone here that I'm tied to by a connection older than five weeks and my mother's sister...well she's family, right? That has to count for something, doesn't it?
Then again, I wouldn't even know where to find her. Initiation is kind of an event and she never exactly came to find me. She practically appeared out of the shadows exclusively to annoy my mother; and I'm not exactly thrilled by the idea of asking around, I mean as far as I knew there were no Malachites in Dauntless which means that she's probably tried to distance herself from the family as much as possible.
I don't know. I just want someone to talk to, to guide me; I'm scared and it's not like the guy who's supposed to be integrating us into Dauntless culture would be of any help given that he hates me, and also that I'm 90% sure he has no grasp on feelings as a concept positive or otherwise.
Or maybe I should follow Maureen's advice and go talk to Amelie, she certainly seemed nice enough. At the very least she knows my brother and seems to like him, we're not exactly the same or anything close but I can't imagine she'd ever outright tell me to fuck off.
And come to think of it, there is one person that I know that's here. Mark's oldest and closest friend, Pandora Steele. She grew up with my siblings and I, her father was really close to my parents for many years until one day he just wasn't. I was too little when he and my parents had their to remember him except in passing but my siblings - and my parents too on the rare occasion that they would talk about him - said that he was as close to them as Jeanine was, and that Pandora was purposefully adopted around the same time that Mark was born.
I never knew why Pandora chose Dauntless, just like I don't really know why Mark chose Amity they just did and that's the way that it is; but I've always missed her, having her around was like having another sister. I'm kind of surprised that we didn't run into her on Visiting Day, with all of the encounters that we had I would think that she would have sought us out. She and Mark were best friends once, and though he doesn't talk about her often anymore when he does, Mark only speaks of her with affection. Close as she was to my family, I guess it only makes sense that I try and reconnect with her; Belladonna seems like a mess of issues and family politics I don't actually know if I want to get into, but Pandora I know and I like and I miss.
I close my journal, leaving the entry off there and making a mental note to track down Pandora's address tomorrow. She didn't leave Erudite on bad terms, it was an eventuality that everyone was always prepared for; Mark was the surprise, Pandora's departure was just disappointing for all of us. Looking back, I remember my parents speaking to her father after the ceremony, offering their condolences before rushing off to take care of initiation matters.
I used to think about that day a lot; watching my brother give us one last glance before he left with the Amity, Minerva cursing him under her breath as tears gathered in her eyes, the twins just very, very quiet; and my parents, their hands clasped and neither of them betraying any sort of emotion. I was old enough to understand what had happened, that my brother had gone away and wasn't coming back and I remember crying a lot. My parents could never take us home after the Choosing Ceremony because as the faction's leader, representative, and council liaison it was part of their duties to speak with the initiates upon their arrival in Erudite. We caught a ride home instead with one of our cousins and I remember their car pulling out of the driveway and the moment they were gone Minerva stormed out the door, her face flushed and wet with tears. Michael made some joking comment about getting his own room now that was really in poor taste, then went and locked himself in the bedroom he'd shared with Melanie where he stayed for hours. It was my closest older sister that sat with me on the couch and comforted me while I cried and she cried too and that was one of the few times that ever happened.
It was all fine eventually; Minerva eventually came back, Michael really did get to move into Mark's room and both twins were really happy about that, I stopped crying. As time went on I - and everyone else I think - began to feel his absence less and less. It was strange at first, going about our lives without our eldest brother and it was strange to not see Pandora anymore. I never saw her father again after that day, he had no more reasons to associate with us. But he wasn't gone , not like Pandora was; we went to see him in Amity and he came to see us, and we spent time together in City Center as a family when we could. He associated closely with our great aunt in the year or so that she was alive, and our second cousins, and their children who were close to us in age. We were still a family and no colors would ever change that.
Even so, things were different. I don't think Minerva ever quite forgave him really, she was so angry for so long. Even when the twins and I began to move past it, she was still irritable and forever in need of an outlet for her grief over her older brother that quickly transformed into pent up aggression. It wasn't just that she wanted to study hand-to-hand combat, I think she legitimately wanted to fight people; and really I don't have any proof that she never did. She was close to Pandora too, not as close as Mark, but very close. I think that she and Pandora got along well because in some ways they were very equal and opposite, they agreed on many things but had completely opposite personalities. And looking back on today, I can see that same fascination that I had with Dauntless in her eyes. I've always said that she belonged here, but…
No. Just because someone values a faction from the outside looking in doesn't mean that they belong there. Eliza has always admired Dauntless' aesthetic; but she was also looked down on their attitude on the regular, and I've scarcely met a more Erudite person that wasn't three times our age.
It terrified me back when Mark left, the concept of leaving. I saw what it did to my siblings, how much it upset them. It still terrified me when Minerva left, that time the twins were a little miffed. They'd never held Candor in very high regard despite the fact that they're the closest to another faction of intellectuals there is. They didn't see anything there worth leaving the family for and they were bitter. They already thought sort of poorly of Mark but the pain of his absence had faded significantly. I don't know what was so different about Minerva's departure, what made them so much angrier – or maybe I was just older and could understand more of it.
I was still only nine and even back then I really looked up to all of my siblings, but the twins in particular. I wanted to impress them, and I wanted to be like them, and seeing how angry Minerva and Mark leaving made them I only because more scared to even consider the fact that I might not belong in Erudite. I didn't know what was wrong with Mark and Minerva, why they ever wanted to leave, all I knew was that I couldn't be like them. Really I still don't know what prompted them to leave; aptitude I suppose, but they had their whole lives before them in Erudite. I don't even know what prompted me to leave really; it would have been much smarter to stay in Erudite, where I knew what I was to be, and where I knew what I would have to do to succeed. As I'm discovering, it's not like I'm really that much happier here. Despite what Marlene told me, that Dauntless is what you make it, I have a hard time remembering exactly why I'm here and what I want. And I guess I'm just questioning if I ever really knew in the first place.
I'm not like the rest of my family; I'm driven by little more than whims and impulse. I had no plan when I dropped my blood on the coals, I never bothered to investigate what I might be getting myself into prior to the Choosing Ceremony. And I'll bet anything that it shows, that my family knows just as my parents and the twins know that I lied to them.
At least Pandora never bothered to hide anything. She didn't care if people knew that she was fascinated by Dauntless, the faction she was born into before being put up for adoption. She and her father weren't a part of Erudite's upper crust like mine is, my parents met Pandora's father completely independently of their association with all of Erudite's wealthy and powerful. Pandora's father was – and still is to my knowledge – a florist. I don't actually know how he came to be friends with my parents since they don't socialize much outside of the aforementioned rich and powerful, but I also never asked. By the time I was old enough to wonder, Pandora and her father had disappeared from our lives and my parents never spoke of him again. I don't think I'll ever know what his deal was. My older siblings don't know either to be fair, Pandora's father was friends with my parents long before any of them were born. Like I said, Pandora was adopted only about two months after Mark was born.
Tomorrow I'll have to say my goodbyes to Myra and probably Al, and maybe even Tris. I don't know what I'll do if and when they're gone respectively, I know that Edward's miserable and he'll probably be miserable for a while. I can't imagine what it would be like to be put in that position.
I glance over at them again, fast asleep curled around each other. It's getting a little late and Four should be in any minute now, but I know that I'll be up most of the night anyways. I'm not tired, and I'm trying really, really hard not to cry.
I hadn't realized that I'd fallen asleep until a bloodcurdling scream wakes me. I shoot up out of bed and hit my head on the bunk above me in the process. All I can see is the vaguest outline of something on the floor. Another scream fills the room, this one higher.
"Turn on the lights!" Will shouts.
Someone does and for a second we're all blinded by the bright fluorescent lights. When my eyes adjust the first thing that I see is a pool of blood, then I see Edward; he's writhing on the ground screaming with his hands over his face and Myra is kneeled next to him. She's saying something but I can't hear her over Edward's echoing screams. From between his fingers a knife like the ones that we use to eat with in the dining hall protrudes from right where his eye is, or should be. Blood flows down his face and between his fingers.
I watch Tris move slowly from her bunk to kneel down in the pool of blood opposite Myra and she starts talking but I'm not listening. I wander across the room toward them and put my hand on Myra.
My voice is unexpectedly calm when I say, "Hey, let's go get one of the medics."
She looks up at me and I hold my hand out to her. Edward is still screaming and Tris is trying to soothe him.
"There's nothing you can do," I say. "But we can go get someone who can."
There's blood on her, and she's shaking like a leaf as she takes my hand. I lead her out of the room and I as I close the door the noise fades, but I can still hear him screaming horrifically. I lead her down the hallway and she keeps her hand in mine the entire time. The lights in the hallways dim at night, which I hadn't really noticed before. At any rate, it makes it a lot harder to find my way around. In the end we have to go through the Pit, then to the training room, then from there we know the way to the infirmary. There's a light on behind the frosted glass and I see a shadow move past it. I knock very softly and Nurse Phyllis opens the door, gasping as she notices the blood on Myra.
"My gi-"
"It's not her," I interrupt. "One of the initiates was assaulted."
She nods and ducks back into the room, then comes back out holding a bag and trailing Solstice and Serena. We run back to the dormitory, talking a path that I've never been down before, and the three of them take care of Edward. They staunch his bleeding and sedate him, then Solstice calls for an ambulance.
Myra pleads to go with Edward, at some point Tris gets up off the floor once they've taken him away and disappears. Solstice allows it and I don't even get up to say goodbye, I just stare blankly at the blood on the ground.
I remember feeling the same way when that girl fell off the roof when I first came to Dauntless, distracted and too stunned to do or say much of anything.
When Tris comes back, she spends the better part of the night scrubbing the blood off the floor alone. I sit cross-legged on my bed and just watch, my eyes sort of glazed over. No one ever turns the lights off and no one sleeps. This is how I become acutely aware of just how isolated this room really is. It's hard to gauge time without a wakeup call or the sun. But at some point I become aware that it's morning, that breakfast will start soon.
I should try and talk someone into taking me to the City Center hospital to go see Edward and see how Myra's holding up. That's what a good friend would do. Instead what winds up happening is my eyes grow heavy before people even begin to leave for breakfast and I let them close, promising myself that I'll do something this afternoon.
The dormitory is empty when I wake up and it takes me a second to remember everything that happened. I had told myself that I would go and see Pandora today, but I feel like there are more pressing problems right now.
I change into a fresh pair of clothes and walk slowly to the Pit, all the while wondering who I might get to accompany me out of the compound; not Four certainly and I don't have any idea where Pandora lives or what she does. I just resign to wandering as I think. I don't know where my friends are, but at the moment I also don't care all that much.
Eventually the sound of music catches my attention. As I'm passing one of the many studios on the third floor of the Pit, I turn my gaze away from over the balcony to find the source of the noise. The studio it's coming from has a fully glass front wall with the door propped open. Inside Amelie is practicing alone; it's not a routine that I recognize from any showcase I've ever been to, must be a new one. I stand by the railing and watch her for awhile leap and twirl gracefully all on her toes. The all of a sudden, she stops, breathing heavilyl she stares into the mirror and then turns around to face me. I realize that I've been standing here just long enough for her to notice, just long enough to feel awkward.
She walks to the door, a gentle smile on her face that doesn't do anything to ease my nerves; lots of people smile, not everyone means it.
"Hey." she leans against the doorway, folding her arms. "You're Maureen's sister-in-law, aren't you? Mimi, right?"
"Uh...yeah. Sorry, I was just…"
"It's fine. There something I can help you with?"
"Uh no, not at all." I mean there is, but I'm not going to ask. "I'm just watching."
"Well at least come inside. You can at least sit down."
The studio is about ten degrees colder than the Pit outside, and rather than go back to practicing Amelie crosses the studio to a small fridge and pulls out two cans that as she nears I recognize as a particular brand of soda I happen to know is unique to Erudite. So how did she wind up with it?
She sits across from me with her legs crossed and slides the can to me across the wooden floor. "So I heard a rumor that something happened in the transfer dorm last night."
"Yeah. That's right." I stare absentmindedly out the glass, sipping my drink. It reminds me of home, making me nostalgic in a way that actually feels kind of pathetic. The longer I'm away the more I realize that I miss nearly everything about Erudite, small and big. Just things I'd always taken for granted because they were such a mundane part of my life.
"Someone got hurt, right?"
"Yeah. The top initiate got stabbed in the eye," I say monotonously.
"Oh...so did you know him?"
"There weren't even a hundred transfers, yeah I knew him." I realize how rude that must have sounded and glance back at Amelie; but she just smiles at me. "He was a good guy and he didn't deserve that." I shrug sort of half-heartedly. "But I guess that's just Dauntless competitiveness for you, right?"
"No, that's fucking crazy." She gives me a look of absolute horror. "My initiation class had some competition but no one got stabbed, jesus christ, what is with you kids?"
I chuckle but it comes out flat and bitter. "Good question." I'm quiet for a minute and then say. "His girlfriend was a really good friend of mine...I, uh, she's at the bottom and going to get cut I think."
"At least they'll be together." She shakes her head. "Damn shame what's happened with initiation. You just know they're not going to give him time to recover 'cause the new management's a piece of shit."
"You mean Four, right?" I snicker.
"What? No. I meant Eric; Four and I are pretty good friends."
I raise my eyebrows as my cheeks flush. "Oh...sorry about that. That's awkward."
"What's your problem with Four?" She doesn't say it aggressively, just curiously.
"He's kind of a dick to me. Me and everyone else for no reason other than he actually has to do his job."
She takes a long drink of her soda then says, "I know that he can come off sort of...rude, I was pretty wary of him when we first met too. But he's a good guy, you know?"
I shrug. "No, I don't."
"Well alright then. I'm sorry about your friend, and uh...and that you're not having a good time in initiation. It does get better, I promise."
I nod. It's hard to believe right now, but I want to. I turn my gaze back to Amelie, who is just watching me.
"Is there something else you want to ask?" I say.
She hums. "I haven't decided. I'm sure you know I know your brother."
I nod. "You're friends, yeah."
"Well I wouldn't go that far." She says. "As you can imagine, he's not terribly keen on Dauntless in general…that must make things kind of difficult for you."
"It doesn't." I think of what Will said last night, and it's the only other thing I can think to say. "I don't have to care what he or the rest of my family thinks of me anymore."
She gives me a strange look, amused and confused at the same time. "So you don't."
I drum my fingertips softly on the cold aluminum of the can. I'd ask how where she got it from, but I wouldn't want to pry. It's nice to feel like I have a little piece of my old home, even if it's something completely superficial.
We sit in silence for a little while longer and I stare out the glass at the ever-changing scene out in the Pit. As I do, my eyes start to glaze over. Maybe it's just everything that's happened, but I'm so tired. I blink quickly and sit up a little straighter, I have other things to attend to that don't involve sitting on a wood floor across from a near stranger trying to have conversation that's something more than sad. I rub my eyes and then stand up, still holding the cold and empty can in my hand.
"I should get going," I say. "Thank you for inviting me in."
"You're welcome anytime, Mimi." She smiles. "Listen, just…try and get plenty of sleep. Initiation is hard, I know it is, but if you're anything like the rest of your family then I think you can handle it."
That's the problem , I respond in my head, I'm hardly anything like them .
I nod and then walk out, tossing the can in the trash on my way. I don't know where to go; my friends could be anywhere, and I still don't know where Pandora's living. Does Dauntless have some sort of directory or something? Probably not.
Even if I could find Pandora, what would I say? 'Hi, remember me? I know it's been nine years but can I hang out and catch you up on all the poorly thought through decisions I've made in the past month or so?'. Yeah, I think not.
It's not that I believe that coming to Dauntless was a mistake, I want to be here so badly; I want to be what they are. I just meant what I said, I didn't think this through in the slightest. I think back to the Choosing Ceremony, didn't Jeanine tell Tris, her brother, and I to not choose on a whim or something but because we knew ourselves? Well I guess I failed that miserably. I very literally jumped into Dauntless with no idea what I was getting myself into and I'm really paying for that now. I don't know how I've managed to come so far after all but tripping and falling into the faction. How is it that I'm here and Myra's gone? That I've come so far – holy shit, I'm number eight now – and that Edward's factionless? It's not like I'm actively trying to step on them, really I've just been trying to keep my head above water. I have always considered them both to be better than me, more Dauntless than me, they belong here more than I ever could.
So what the hell am I still doing here?
I'm lucky I guess; I've always been very, very lucky. I grew up incredibly privileged, with a fantastic family, incredible talents, and opportunities. And then I threw that all away because I still wasn't happy and I'm still getting lucky. I'm still managing to stay ahead when I don't deserve to; I'm outpacing people who I shouldn't be able to compare to. This isn't where I belong, this isn't where I was even prepared to belong; I grew up thinking that Erudite was where I was always going to be, that I was precisely where I needed to be and if I just tried hard enough than I would eventually figure out how to fill in all the blanks.
Except that I didn't; those answers never came to me and now I'm not even sure if they can. I don't really know what being Divergent entails, what it says about me – and a part of me is scared to find out – but I'm almost positive that I can chalk at least some of my situation up to that. I feel like I'm fumbling around in the dark, like I'm colorblind in a world completely reliant on color.
But more than anything I just feel stupid. If I'm doing so well than I must be doing something right, and people seem to think that whatever it is I'm doing it's on purpose and I really wish they would clue me in on what that is because I certainly don't have a clue. I just want to be happy and do right by my family's legacy; I may have been wrong about there not being any Malachites in Dauntless, but that doesn't mean I won't be the first to do something truly important, to involve myself in the way this city runs just as my parents and all my siblings have.
In the end I just wind up wandering back to the dorms eventually. When I walk in it's still empty save for Myra, who is gathering hers and Edward's things into two black duffel bags. The red rings around her eyes give away that she's been crying and she doesn't look up until I but my hands on her shoulders. She jumps but relaxes again upon realizing who I am.
"Hi, Mimi."
I manage a smile. "Hi, Myra. How're you holding up."
She drops down onto the bed next to the bags and I sit down beside her, putting my arm around her shoulders. She hesitantly leans in to rest her head on my shoulder.
"It's not me you should worry about."
"I know. But I also know that you were right next to him when it happened, I can't imagine that's an easy image to get out of your head."
"I just don't want to think about it." Her voice breaks on the last word. "Right now I really think that's the least of our worries."
"Myra," I murmur, squeezing her tighter. "I'm so sorry."
"Don't be," she chokes out. "It had to be someone."
It shouldn't have been you , I think but can't bring myself to say.
She pulls her knees up to her chest and I can feel the tears dripping from her eyes onto my shoulder.
There's nothing that I can do to comfort her, not when her life is basically over. She doesn't get a second chance, she doesn't get to choose again. She's just another statistic now, one of the hundreds - if not thousands - that makeup Dauntless' fifty percent washout rate. But even with them gone, and I know I shouldn't think this, it might not be enough to spare Tris and Al. At least they have a chance, a prayer at scraping by somehow. Myra doesn't have that, she's just out and even if she weren't ranked last I know that she loves Edward too much to abandon him - newly blinded - to die poor and alone.
"I'm really sorry."
"It doesn't matter." She lifts her head and wipes her tears on the sleeve of her jacket. "I was going to get cut anyways, right?"
"Don't say that-" I start but she interrupts.
"You know that it's true. You don't have to pretend for my sake; I know it too."
"Yeah...I know."
We're quiet as she stands and finishes packing up hers and Edward's things. It's all they'll have to live with after today until they can find jobs solid enough that they can purchase new things. I've always been shielded from the true horrors of factionless life within the walls of my glass castle, my home in Erudite with my wealthy family and great privilege. But I'm not stupid; I know that it's bad, I hold no illusions that all the service workers in our city are managing to eke out a posh - or even comfortable - existence despite their life outside the factions. I know that no one truly survives for long, that it's not a matter of if you die miserable and destitute but when.
She zips up the bags and sighs to herself, staring down at them with abject misery.
"May I walk you to the door?" I say softly.
She nods and I hoist Edward's bag over my shoulder. Were I not forbidden from leaving the compound I'd walk back with her to the hospital as well, but I am.
We walk in silence to the front doors where the ceiling his so high I can't see it. Two guards stand by the door and they nod at Myra as she approaches. I wrap her in a tight hug and wish to never let go. She's trembling in my arms and I know that once she leaves through that door I'll never see her again. I blink away my tears because I don't want to upset her more; she doesn't need my grief alongside hers.
"I'll miss you," I say.
"You too. I - I…" she trails off and presses her face into the crook of my neck.
After what feels like not enough time, we let go of each other and I give her Edward's bag. As she walks out the door she looks back at me and smiles, I return it however feebly and stand in that spot until the door closes completely and the foyer is dim again.
I wrap my arms around myself and walk away, turning sharply down a hallway I've never seen before. I sit down when either end is a fair distance away and curl into a ball, covering my mouth with my hand to muffle my sobbing.
