With the amount of time that Magnus had spent at home in the past two weeks it was now a necessity to have at least two meetings a day at the office for the next few days. Neither of them really minded. Magnus had gotten a lot more comfortable going outside and Alec was happy for the activity that distracted him from worrying about his siblings. He called every night, as he had before, but he was very much looking forward to spending some time with them on his first day off.
As the day approached, Magnus was surprised to find how at ease he was with the idea of Alec leaving and spending some time with his siblings. At first he had considered asking Catarina or Ragnor over to distract him from Alec's absence, but found that he was quite at peace with the idea of spending a day by himself.
'Are you sure you're okay with me going? I can be here in a few minutes if you call and Elias was informed to not let anyone up today.'
'Alexander, I'm fine. I'm not a child staying home alone for the first time,' Magnus laughed putting a hand on Alec's shoulder.
'I'm serious, Magnus.'
'As am I. Go and enjoy some time with your siblings. God knows you've earned it.' Alec let out a deep breath and gave a determined nod.
'Don't hesitate to call, okay.'
'Alexander, go before I kick you out of my apartment.' This brought a smile to both their faces and with a squeeze of Magnus' shoulder Alec turned and left the apartment. Alec had found a replacement for his bike a few days ago and from his balcony Magnus could see him cutting across the street, narrowly dodging a speeding car, on his way towards his siblings home. He watched until Alec disappeared around a corner.
With a heavy breath Magnus turned around to face his apartment. He was alone again. For the first time in two months he was going to have a nearly full day where he would be entirely alone in his apartment. He stepped back inside, but left the doors to the balcony open. It was a lovely day. He could sit on the balcony and read documents, right?
It was only an hour later that he had finished all the work he could get done on the balcony and he stepped inside to continue working in his office. But it was only another two hours later that he finished updating his planning, read through all the backlogged emails of the past week, prepared for all 4 upcoming meetings in the next week and simply read up on the news for no reason whatsoever.
Usually Alec would have dropped by with a cup of tea or coffee and Magnus would have detained him for a short conversation. Or Alec would have suggested he take a break, after all it was sunday. Lately he had been enjoying introducing Alec to some of his favourite books and they had spent several sundays discussing those as Alec journeyed through them. What did he do on sundays before Alec had come into his life?
Way back when he had gone out on sundays a lot. Clubbing, dancing, parties, but that was long ago. He read, so he could try that again. Getting up he sat down in the living room with Kafka, but very soon he found his thoughts drifting and he couldn't keep his attention on the book. He closed it with a sigh and decided that he could use a drink. That was another minute of the day spent. Honestly, why was it so hard to figure out what to do?
His thought drifted to Alec as he sat down with the martini in hand. What would Alec be up to right now? Surely he was doing different things than he did around Magnus. The mental image of Alec unsuccessfully trying to read amongst his much rowdier siblings brought a smile on Magnus' face. Maybe he read to them more often, like he had done for Izzy when she had been recovering. Actually, Alec had said he liked to spar with Jace, that seemed like a more logical option.
Magnus hadn't known the elder Lightwoods very well. They had been in charge of the Clave corporation location in San Francisco, which had brought them to the New York scene, where the head office was located, quite regularly. Back when Magnus still had done business with the Clave they had come across as very capable, but very rigid and harsh people. Upon being told that they had kids, had even adopted one of them, Magnus had had a hard time believing it. Clearly, they had imparted some of their quite literal military discipline onto their kids.
Maybe Alec would tell him more about his mysterious childhood if he asked. Most of his information had currently been provided by Isabelle. Then again, Alec was very private and maybe thought he would be crossing an unspoken boundary by asking such questions. After all, they were still… No, they weren't really just employer and employee anymore. They had crossed that bridge a long time ago.
But then remained the question; what were they? Friends with an inherent power imbalance? Close acquaintances? And what did Magnus want them to be? The answer to the last question had been painfully obvious for several weeks now and slowly manifesting itself more deeply with every new side of Alec Magnus got to see. He wanted to see more, really get to know Alec, be his confidant, someone Alec could rely on without feeling indebted. But as Alec was his employee, that couldn't happen.
Out of nowhere Catarina's remark from a week ago came back to the forefront of his mind: I think it is time that you started to admit that you don't need Alec anymore. It was a ridiculous thought. Magnus couldn't imagine going outside without Alec by his side. He couldn't envision waking up to find not a trace of Alec in his apartment without having a panic attack. And yet, here he was by himself. He had been for almost four hours now. He was fine. But right now, he knew that Alec would return after dinner. Still, Alec was across the city and he was fine. The fact that Alec would be back in a couple of hours made him no safer right now.
I think it is time that you started to admit that you don't need Alec anymore.
The thought of stepping outside by himself still scared him, but even with Camille back in town and reporters on his heels and Cassandra having made some very insistent pushes towards him only recently… If his office called right now, he would step out. He was sure of it.
You don't need Alec anymore. But that doesn't mean you can't still want him around.
Is this Alec's forever home?
And suddenly it was clear as day to Magnus what he wanted. The noise of those combat boots in the halway. The sound of a calm voice reading out loud. A sputtering in the kitchen around dinnertime. The unconscious hums of contentment when Magnus had put particular attention into breakfast. A soft chuckle in response to one of his snarky remarks on someone's outfit.
The apartment was too damn quiet. No music or temporary company would fill that. He wanted Alec to stay. Forever.
He wanted to go to sleep wrapped in those arms he'd only had wrapped around him twice and wake up to soft snores and warm touches. Sit for hours, knees brushing together simply talking or reading together. He wanted to walk around town being able to hold Alec's hand, take him out for dinner and give Alec all that he deserved but had never received.
Fuck.
Without realising it he had gone far beyond simply falling in love with Alec. Magnus was gone on the man. He had known he was attracted and possibly falling in love, but the real truth hit him now. There was no going back.
But Alec was his employee. Alec depended on him for his livelihood, for his siblings. How in the hell was that supposed to work? How could they ever have an equal partnership in such a disbalanced situation? It was impossible. But Alec was only with him because he worked for him, and if he ended that, would Alec still want to… Even more, Alec needed this job. It wasn't like he could just find something else if Magnus ended their arrangement. Alec would have to go back to working three jobs and passing out from exhaustion.
Magnus sighed. He needed another drink. Maybe a couple if he was going to work his way out of this conundrum.
Meanwhile, Alec dodged a bullet. Quite literally. It was rubber, but he and his siblings had perfected the art of pelting each other with the rubber projectiles years ago. Even Max' shots hurt these days. But that was all part of Lightwood tag. All breakables were removed from the room, the windows, not that they were more than a small strip near the ceiling in the basement apartment, were covered and the lights turned off as they listened out for the swinging of the sling holding the rubber pellet. Izzy swore, betraying her position and getting Max and Jace to move away from her in the dark.
'Going to have to try a bit harder than that, Izzy,' Alec quipped before dodging another one.
'Shut up, I'm just a bit rusty.' Max giggled at this but that proved fatal as Izzy, now knowing where he was, pelted him with her next bullet and he let out a yelp in pain.
'Oh, dammit.'
'Too bad Max, gonna have to learn to keep your mouth shut if you want to play real shadowhunters with us,' Izzy replied before quickly moving away from retaliation.
'Yeah, like Alec is ever going to let me.' Two steps and Max was lost in the darkness. A tense silence fell as the four Lightwood siblings tried to determine where the others were.
Finally: 'Ah, fuck!' A giggle from Max followed Jace's exclamation in pain. 'I'm going to get you for that twerp.'
'Nice shot Max,' Alec commented. 'Where did you hit him?'
'Inner thigh.'
'Nice.'
'Fuck you too, Alec,' Jace called. 'Max is getting way too good at this.'
'Just because you have a problem with moving quietly doesn't mean you have to take it out on me,' Max answered. Alec suddenly caught the shift besides him. Jace's arm. Almost reflexively he grabbed at it to put Jace in a hold, but Jace, equally prepared instantly freed himself and before Alec could do anything he felt the sharp punch of the rubber bullet colliding with his side.
'Shit!'
'Did you just get Alec?' Izzy called out surprised.
'Not gonna last long if you don't shut up,' Jace replied quickly. As if on cue there was a short whistling of the sling followed by Izzy's help in pain.
'Screw this,' she exclaimed and suddenly light flooded the room again, showing IZy by the lightswitch. 'Enough target practice, I'd prefer to not be entirely blue in my midsection by the end of the day.'
'Not our fault you suck at this game,' Jace replied with a smirk as he flopped down on the couch.
'Watch it, blondie, or I'll suggest weapons practise.'
'Can we do that, please?' Max turned his pleading eyes to Alec.
'Max…'
'I'm as old as Izzy was when she got to play. And Jace has been showing me some things with the sword.'
'Jace.' Alec turned his gaze to the blonde on the couch.
'What? We used the practise sword without an opponent. It was perfectly safe.'
'Jace, you know why.'
'Yeah, Alec,' Jace turned to Alec defiantly. 'But I think your reasoning is stupid.' And just like that it was back. The heavy burden he'd taken on his shoulders six years ago. He wasn't just their brother; He had a responsibility. And try as he might when he felt like it, Jace couldn't understand that.
'Jace, can we not do this right now?' Alec could hear how tired his own voice sounded. When he was at Magnus' there were moments where he could imagine that they were fine. That all he had to do was earn enough money to clear their debts. But then something happened, a remark one of them made about needing something signed, or about a new order of medicine, or something like this.
'No, Alec, I think. We need to do this right now.' Jace got up from the couch and checked his heart rate monitor.
Alec rubbed his forehead: 'Izzy, Max, do you think you could give us a little while?'
'Why?' Max asked stubbornly. 'It's about me, isn't it?'
'It may have started about you, but it isn't really, Max. I promise I'll think about you trying weapon practise, okay? But I really need to talk to Jace alone right now.' Max quickly nodded. The promise to think about it was more than he had ever gotten before.
'We'll go to the library for say, half an hour?' Izzy suggested and Alec nodded in agreement. With that Izzy and Max left as Jace tossed Alec some wraps for his hands. Clearly Jace had something serious to get off his chest and that usually only came out during or after some serious sparring. Alec wrapped up his hands and made his way over to the space Jace had cleared.
'Your heart rate okay?' Alec asked.
'For now,' Jace replied and threw the first punch. Alec easily dodged it and returned the favour, only narrowly missing Jace's shoulder.
'Look,' Alec started as he sidestepped a swing from Jace. 'I get that Max wants to learn. I'm not even really opposed to it. I want him to be fit and able to defend himself, and it's a way to connect as a family for us. I wouldn't deny Max that.'
'But?' Jace prompted.
'But he is still only twelve. I know we started much younger, but having us for a comparison is skewing the scales. The life we lead is already fucked up enough. I don't want that for Max.'
'I talked to Clary,' Jace ducked under one of Alec's swings. 'And she says that many kids follow martial arts classes.'
Jace's fist connected with Alec's chest and he staggered for a moment before finding his footing again: 'Yeah, but that's not what we're talking about. We can't afford normal classes and gear. I know you want to train him, and if he's interested in swords then that's fine. But need I remind you of the time you nearly cut off your hand?'
'Accidents happen.'
'Maybe,' Alec took his stance again and blocked a punch from Jace. 'I just…'
Jace's leg connected hard with Alec's unguarded hip and he was knocked to the floor: 'You just think you know better than I do.'
'Jace,' Alec groaned as he got to a sitting position.
'You're only four years older than me Alec. I can take some of the responsibility if you ever stop being a fucking martyr.'
'You think this is about age?' Alec let Jace help him up before they both took their stances again.
'Don't put this on my health, because my heart rate is a cool one-twenty right now and I'm still kicking your ass.'
'This is not about your health. It's about your ability to be responsible.'
'You don't trust me?'
'That's not what I said, Jace, and you know it.'
'Then what is it about, Alec?! Because I'm getting really,' Jace sidestepped the swing and managed to get Alec in a chokehold. 'Really fucking tired of you dodging my questions and telling me what to do. I'm an adult now too, I can take care of Max. He's my brother too.'
'Then why are you throwing a tantrum right now?' Alec gasped out, before jutting his elbow in Jace's ribs and breaking free from the hold.
'This is not a tantrum.'
'Really? Cause it sounds like one.'
'It's not a tantrum!'
'I raised you, Jace.'
'Robert and Maryse did that,' Jace replied over a barrage of punches.
'Yeah, right.' The sarcasm hit Jace harder than Alec's palm connecting with his sternum and he stumbled back falling on the floor. 'My parents took you in, but who helped you with your homework, took you to the doctor, sat with you when you had a nightmare? And that was just before they were gone. I attended parent-teacher conferences and signed off on your report cards.'
'You are no longer my guardian, Alec. You haven't been for three years.'
'That doesn't mean you're no longer my responsibility!' The look on Jace's face knocked all the fight out of Alec and he let himself drop to the floor next to Jace.
'It does, though,' Jace said reassuringly. 'For both me and Izzy, you are legally no longer responsible for us. For Izzy it is different, with the school and now the relapse. But I don't need a guardian anymore. You're going to have to come to terms with that. I need my brother back.'
'I know,' Alec sighed as he laid down flat on his back next to Jace. 'And I'm trying to not worry so much… But when I'm around here… I… I...'
'It's hard to distance yourself from the responsibility you've had so far.'
'Yeah. And whether you agree with me or not, Max is still my responsibility. With him it's different from you and Izzy.'
'Because he's so much younger?'
'No, because I've never known a time when I was not taking care of Max,' Alec admitted for maybe the first time ever. 'I remember picking you and Izzy up from school to go and see him in the hospital. You had been with us for just a year and a half and were worried that they were going to kick you out, but Izzy cheered you up. And then our mother let me hold Max. Our father was at work and Max was so small. Whenever our parents were busy, I'd change his diapers and feed Max. I taught him how to read and took him to daycare before dropping you and Izzy off at school. Max-. Max…'
'Max is more your son than Robert's,' Jace spoke as a realisation finally came over him.
'About as much as you are my brother,' Alec turned to look at Jace as they laid on the floor of the apartment. 'And I know I had to take this job and that you guys are doing fine, but still.'
'You're leaving your son in the care of someone who was up until recently also in your charge.'
'It's not that I don't have faith in you, Jace. And I don't want to deny Max the ability to get on equal footing with us. But I can't protect him from where I am. If he gets hurt and you panic, I'm not there. I'm not there if something serious happens and… Knowing that you aren't playing around with swords is not much of a comfort, but it is something. And I know that is selfish.'
'Alec, it's not. And even if it was, there's no one who has has much right to ask for it as you do. You're right, you're more than a brother to all of us. And… I can't really understand what's going in your head, which is why I need you to tell me so I can help you. I can't do anything if you stay so freaking repressed.'
'You sound like Izzy.'
'Yeah, well, she's the one who's emotionally stable. Though Max is on his way.'
'Max is going to hit puberty soon.'
'Oh, fuck, yeah, Izzy's our last hope.' They both laughed before Jace turned serious again. 'But seriously, Alec, I know you can't rely on me, but you can talk to me. If it's about Max, or archery, or, hell, even if you finally meet a guy.'
'Shouldn't I be talking to Izzy about that?'
'Izzy is not the one in a relationship.'
'Touché.'
'I know you don't like Clary-.'
'I like that she makes you happy.' Alec tried to protest, but he was cut off by Jace.
'You don't like Clary. You think she's rash and impulsive and you are sick of me describing how pretty and kind she is,' Alec rolled his eyes, but did not protest. 'And you are right, that's she's rash and impulsive. I kind of like that about her. It makes every moment that I spend with her like an adventure.'
'Your point?' Alec stopped Jace before he'd get lost in another Clary rant.
'My point is that unlike Izzy, I know what it's like to come across that one person who just somehow fits so well that you don't know what to do with yourself. To get so lost in your own doubts and thoughts that it knocks you of kilter. And you were there for me when that happened. And I want to do the same for you.'
'I don't think that's ever going to happen, Jace,' Alec turned back to face the ceiling. 'My situation is quite impossible.'
'Wait, you actually met someone?' Jace shot up to a sitting position so he could see Alec's face. But Alec was not really displaying any emotion.
'Forget it, Jace. It's not relevant.'
'No, tell me. Is it another one of Magnus' employees?'
'Izzy is the one chasing Meliorn,' a light blush started to form on Alec's cheeks and he was so happy that Jace was not a very perceptive person.
'One of Magnus' friends?' Alec shook his head, but the blush was steadily getting worse under Jace's scrutiny and suddenly it seemed to dawn on Jace. 'Magnus?!' Alec turned his head away, but Jace's laugh ensured him that his blush was quite determined to betray him. 'Man, that's great. Your first crush. Congratulations! Do you think he feels the same?'
'He's my boss, Jace.' Alec sat up now as well, his tone laced with frustration. 'It's not like anything can actually happen.'
'Why the hell not?'
'Because if anything were to go wrong, if I misread one sign or piss him off then I don't just have a relationship on the line. We need the money, Jace. And I don't know if you noticed, I'm not exactly knowledgeable about these things anyway.'
'You mean relationships?'
'Any of this. I just… I can't afford to take the risk. Even if I was sure that he would feel the same way, that the flirting meant something, I can't.'
Jace contemplated this for a moment: 'Well, shit.'
'Exactly.'
'So, what are you going to do?'
'I'm going to do nothing,' Alec responded despondently. 'I'm going to do my job and hope that whatever this is passes. I'm going to be his friend and his employee and that's it.'
