She was getting used to the morning routines at the loft. She spent more nights there lately than at her own place. She had been very touched when Matt offered her a couple drawers for her things so she could leave stuff at his place, though that wore off a little when he'd laughed and pointed out that he hadn't exactly had to do anything to give her that space: he only had enough stuff to fill three drawers out of the five in the dresser anyway. His closet was just as sad – dress blue uniform, one nice black suit, one slate gray suit, a few dress shirts, three ties, and a few work shirts, three pairs of jeans, three pairs of shoes, and a pair of work boots. That was it. For a man who swore he didn't want anything for Christmas, he certainly wasn't the man who 'had everything'. Still, she liked having room for some of her things, so she shouldn't complain too much. It let her develop habits, like showering with him in the morning, so she could have the lingering smell of him with her for at least the first half of shift or so, and not feeling like a guest, she could take longer than him in the mornings and not feel like she was in the way or messing him up or like he wanted her to hurry. He would prep a mug of coffee for her, and a bagel, so she didn't have to rush – he was naturally beautiful, so his morning routine was annoyingly simple. That said, who knew she'd find it sexy to watch him shave? It was cozy, though, overall, sharing your mornings with someone. And his two roommates. Which, well, at least she had other people helping keep a daily eye on him.

Matt was…well, there was something wrong with Matt. She knew it, Stella knew it, Kelly knew it, hell, even everyone from 51 who only saw him at Molly's one or two nights a week now, they knew it. He was good at shoving down his negative emotions, so it was hard to tell what those emotions were exactly, but he was acting differently. He was acting sort of hunted, or she didn't know quite what to call it. He was jumpy and seemed to prefer being smack in the middle of a group of his friends at all times. He was paranoid about people's phones, as if he thought he was being recorded all the time or something. No one knew quite what to do about it, though. She had a feeling it was about whatever he wasn't talking about going on up at 29. She hated feeling like all she could do was sit back and 'support him'. She wanted to do something. She just didn't know what to do, because she didn't know exactly what the problem was. She was thinking about how to get it out of him, as she walked out into the kitchen.

"You're a secretive son of a bitch, you know that?" Kelly wasn't really asking.

"It's none of your business."
"Yeah, none of my business." Kelly scoffed. "Just like it's none of Chief's business – I know he's asked – and it's none of Herrmann's business, and hell, I bet you tell Brett it's none of her business, too."
"It's not your business. And stop talking about me like a bunch of middle school girls."

"We're worried about you, Casey!" Kelly was pretty much shouting. "Something is going on, stop lying about it!"

"I'm not lying. I'm not even denying 'something is going on'. I'm saying it's none of your business." Matt shot back quickly.

"None of my fucking business? When the fuck does it get to be my business? The next time you're in the hospital? Or the time after that? Maybe when you've gotten yourself killed you fucking martyr! Why don't you just tell me what is going on?"
"That's rich, you never say a damned word about anything! And if I try to get you to talk to me, or even fucking listen to me, you do this – you yell and you make it all about you!"
"No, it's all about you – why you can't trust anyone to help you out and why you shut everyone out the minute shit starts to go sideways, usually when you need help the fucking most!"

"Should we…" Sylvie slip carefully over to Stella, who was standing by the sofa while the two men were in the kitchen next to the coffeemaker.

"You've known 'em longer than I have." Stella reminded. Technically, Stella had known Kelly longer than Sylvie had, but Sylvie had known the two men together longer. "What do you think?"
"I think the two of them need to be separated before they throw punches."
"Eh, might make 'em feel better." Stella shrugged. "They'll be best friends 'til they die from it."

"What?" She was trying to ignore the frankly cyclical argument going on in kitchen, which was mostly trading accusations of being stubborn, silent, and secretive – which they both were, preferring to lick any wounds in private.

"I've never worried these two would stop being best friends. No matter what, chips are down, they got each other's backs. It's kinda sweet and endearing actually." Stella shrugged again. "I worry that one of 'em's gonna get in a jam in a fire someday and the other one'll get himself killed with him, just to make sure he never has to live without his brother."
"Oh." She hadn't really thought of that before. It made perfect sense though. Now it was going to be one of her fears, too. "Think this'll last much longer?"
"Nope. They've just about reached juvenile insult stage, then they'll separate for 24-48 hours, be childish, and then make up by…basically not talking. I don't get it, but we've both seen it for years now."
"Yeah. We have." That was, in fact, pretty much the exact cycle of Casey-Severide fights. Matt broke first this time, slamming his hand down on the island's counter and Sylvie could see every muscle in his arms tensing with anger.

"I don't need you to take care of me, Severide! I can handle my own shit!"
"Sure – 'til you start putting your fist through walls again! Or worse!" Kelly took a visibly deep breath, and his voice was quite a bit (if forcibly) calmer. "You gotta talk to someone, Matt. You don't trust me, fine-"
"It's not trust." Matt sighed, and so did Sylvie, in relief. This might not carry over into shift. She really didn't like the idea of Matt going up to 29 mad, or thinking anyone was mad at him. "I just can't…it's only four more weeks."
"What is going on up there, man? You've lost weight, you're quiet, you act like people are gonna jump out of the woodwork at you."

"I just need back to 51, that's all. I can't…I'm fine. I'll be fine. Don't worry so much."
"Yeah, that's not gonna happen." Stella piped up. "We're your friends. We worry. You're Casey. You tell us not to worry. Then you usually dive under a moving elevator that no one knows how to stop. So 'not worrying' is not really an option."
"There's no moving elevator."
"You usually find one." Sylvie said it before she could think about it, and then regretted it. He looked a little betrayed by her 'siding' with Kelly and Stella. Mostly, though, he looked tired, like he did virtually every morning lately. He wasn't sleeping well. Even his sex drive seemed to be down. He still asked her to stay over, saying he preferred to sleep with her, but they hadn't had any sort of really sexual contact in days (kissing, but that was it).

"I'm not going looking for any elevators, or any sort of trouble. I got too much good going on right now." Matt walked towards her, and pulled her into a soft kiss. "I love you. I'll be careful. I just don't want you to worry. I gotta go to work – have a good shift, be careful."
"I love you, too." She kissed him again before he headed out the door. "And that's why we all worry."

Severide was off all shift. Everyone noticed it. No one was willing to say anything. The only person usually willing to wade into the mess of Kelly's moods was Matt, and even that was rare – Matt tended to let people to themselves, because that was his instinctual reaction to pretty much everything, to shove it down until he was alone and could lick his wounds in private. He was fine on calls, but during the downtime he was quiet, kept to himself, and was clearly contemplating something serious. Dvorak had the truckies organizing the tools and cleaning the compartments, so Stella was busy and besides, Sylvie figured they both were worrying the same idea in their heads, might as well worry together. So she dropped into one of the seats at the 'Squad Table' – the rest of the guys were probably inside, avoiding their lieutenant.

"You know, Matt loves you. He won't say it, because he's a boy and so are you, so there's some rule against it or something. He just loves us so much he can't stand the idea of us worrying about him."
"You know why?" Kelly almost bit it out, but she knew he wasn't mad at her. "He doesn't think he's worth it. Doesn't think anyone should worry about him because he doesn't matter, he doesn't expect anyone to really have his back, and it pisses me off. I've had his back for damn near twenty years, since we were practically kids."
"He knows that."
"Does he?" Kelly asked. " 'cause I know, shit hits the fan, he'll back my play no matter what, even if he thinks I made the wrong play. I could punch him in the face and he'd still crawl through fire and broken glass to save my ass."
"You'd do the same for him."

"Of course I would. But he doesn't see that. Which means I fucked up along the way somehow. He shouldn't be surprised when I tossed him the keys to my place last year – didn't even occur to him he'd stay with me. Man let me live with him for two years after Shay, and I know Dawson wasn't really a big fan of that. He couldn't say 'no' to her and stick with it on anything other than being on my side no matter what back then." Kelly sighed. "And he thinks I want him out now Stella's moved in, like there isn't room for both of 'em in my life."
"Actually, I think that's…a bit Stella and maybe a bit…me. Sorry."
"Wait, you mean, he's – he's talked to you about moving in with him?"
"No, no," she corrected quickly, "but we went house shopping together, and he…I wasn't just a second opinion, he really wanted me to like it."

"Oh." Kelly started grinning a little wildly. "Three months."
"Three months for what?"
"Just remember I said that – three months."
"Okay." She rarely understood all the shorthand between Matt and Kelly, but now she felt actually in the middle of something and it was strange, but she was afraid to ask. She went back to the original topic. "I'm worried about him, too. He's so jumpy. He's lost weight, and he's not sleeping on shift I don't think. And he's been hurt more times up there in two months than he has been in two years here at 51, and it's not like this is a quiet house or he's not done some risky rescues and stuff here."

"Grissom's wanting to get rid of Gayan." Kelly reported quietly. "Not sure he meant to admit that, but that's why he sent Case up there. Matt's got meticulous reports about mismanagement apparently – he's trying to run it better but she keeps putting up roadblocks. But that's Matt, doing the right thing even when he gets his ass kicked for it. And now I'm worried she knows he's Grissom's rat, and something's going on up there."
"He's not a rat."
"He kinda is." Kelly pointed out. "Not a spy – he's not calling Grissom with daily reports, I know that for sure, that just isn't Casey – but he'll document everything three times."
"That's his job, isn't it?"
"Could tank his career, getting a chief fired." Kelly sighed. "He won't care – just say he did the right thing, and he's content to ride out his career on 81 anyway."
"So, why are you worried about his career then? Chief won't kick him out of 51."
"You know, he'd make a good chief. He's got the right…mind for it, if he can get over blaming himself for everything and never letting go of a mistake he makes, no matter how minor. Think Boden knows it. Hell, I think he's always known it. Think he's been training Casey up for the job since day one."
"I don't think he wants to be anything more than what he is, at least not right now. You should understand that."
"Oh, believe me, I do. Guess it's not his long-term career I'm worried about."
"I know. It's just him."
"If she's letting him get hurt because she knows, it could be worse each time. A saw? And a head injury?"
"I thought, when they said 'head injury' I just, I know his history, and I wasn't even here, but that scared me." Sylvie admitted softly.

"I was in that ambo, with Dawson, watching him seize and bleed all over the gurney, and I remember thinking Dawson was scared, really scared, so it was just as bad as I was scared it was, and I looked at him, and for a minute I thought, what if this is the last time I see him? Seizing and moaning and pissing himself? That can't be…then the prospect of brain damage." Kelly shook his head. "Scared us all. Brett, I've seen him push through shit no man should have to push through – physical injuries, sure, but even the other hurts, this is different."
"I thought he was just unhappy at first." She admitted.

"With you?" Kelly looked shocked. "He's the happiest I've seen him since…I think since Hallie, really."
"What about Dawson?"
"He was crazy about her. We both know that." Kelly shook his head. "I think the rest of us, hell, Casey too, were all pretty blind to some problems in their relationship. I saw more than most, but she was my friend, too, made it hard to see it fairly all the time."
"Yeah, I've been finding out that some of what I thought I knew about Matt, I really just knew through Gabby. She bounced back and forth between stories about how he was the sweetest, greatest, most fantastic husband ever and then how he held her back, and didn't support her, and only ever saw his own point of view. She called him selfish, said it was probably normal because of his messed up parents' relationship, but that he was inflexible and selfish."
"Didn't know that. But it doesn't surprise me. She called him selfish anytime she wanted to win a fight. It always works."
"It does?"
"Don't take that as a tip." Kelly warned her. "But yeah, work every time. Andy and I figured it out when he was like 21. Call Matt Casey selfish and he'll believe you, and he hates selfish people, so he gives in. Every time. Guaranteed way to get your way. If he thinks he's doing it on someone else's behalf, he'll die rather than give an inch, but if he thinks he's being selfish, he caves like a house of cards."

"So," Sylvie stopped to think for a moment, "you think he thinks if he tries to pull the plug on this mess up in 29, he's being selfish, because if he stays, he's gonna clean the house, the battalion, up?"
"Not until you said it. Mostly, I've been thinking someone is picking at old wounds. I can't figure out who or when or how, but it's gotta be up there."
"Old wounds?"

"You know about his family."
"That was so long ago, no one is going to say anything now. It's ancient history."
"You want to hurt a man, piss him off, there's no better way than 'your mama' – starts a fight in every language and every culture." Kelly pointed out. "His is a giant scab everyone can see and pick at. And there's something there between him and his mom, something he won't admit."
"Gabby said he blamed himself for his dad's death, because he left out a key or something."
"Shit, yeah, there's that. I meant something…look, don't tell Case I said this. I met his mom twice, that's all. My parents had a messed up marriage that ended all sorts of messy, but his parents…" Kelly trailed off, shaking his head. "He spiked a fever once, about 105, out of his head, starting talking to people who weren't there. Parts were kinda funny. He tried to stab a hallucination of Cheer Bear for being too cheerful, no joke."
"Oh my god, how have you not told me that story? He is so getting a little Cheer Bear for Christmas!" Sylvie laughed at the image. She could laugh about his high fever now, because he was clearly fine, but it would've been scary at the time.

"My point is, Andy and me learned that night that Matt doesn't think he's worth shit. Just doesn't expect anyone to think he's worth defending – figure its why he turtles whenever shit happens to him. And if I've been his friend all these years and he still doesn't know I'd charge into Hell itself to save his ass, I've fucked it up."
"I think you might be overthinking it slightly."
"What do you mean?"
"He gets so defensive because he doesn't want you charging into whatever situation he's in and fixing it. He knows you'll do it if he tells you, Kelly. That's why he won't say anything. I think –I think he keeps shoving us out of this mess he's in because he knows we will charge in. And I think it's something that embarrasses him."
"Why do you think that?"
"Because he acts a little like he did when I first, mostly sober, saw him naked and…I'm not going to finish that story." She stopped, not wanting to share anything Matt would want private. Kelly actually started laughing at her. She had no idea why. It was kind of rude. They'd just had this major discussion, a heart-to-heart about Matt, and he was laughing at her.

"You think I don't know, Brett?" Kelly was still chuckling. "He's shy as hell about only one thing."

"Why would you know that?"
"Young men do stupid shit. And Casey once streaked Wicker Park, including the fountain."

"Matt Casey? Streaked?"
"He was shit-faced drunk, but yeah. Andy ended up carrying his clothes through the park, convinced him to get dressed again so we could go to another bar. Sobered up the next day and you'd have thought he'd streaked a Cubs game in the middle of the day instead of Wicker Park at 1 am." Kelly chuckled for another minute. "But you're right, he is acting a lot like when it's something he just doesn't think is very 'Captain Casey'. You think he's embarrassed about whatever it is?"
"I do. He wants us to stay out of it because it embarrasses him. Which worries me. It's hurting him, and it's embarrassing, and if you think Chief Gayan knows he's written her up or whatever, I mean, what can she actually do?"
"That would embarrass him? All I can think of is something to do with his family." Kelly shrugged. "Usually that makes him mad, but he used to act like this about it sometimes, too, and I can see how it'd be sort of humiliating."
"So we just have to keep waiting, huh?"
"Yep. I hate waiting."
"Me too. Waiting on Matt Casey to share is annoying. He's too determined to keep everything inside." She knew she was pouting kind of childishly, but she didn't care. She especially didn't care when it made Kelly smile again. Like Matt, he'd been way too serious lately. It was December. Times were supposed to be fun. Even if they were both worried about Matt and whatever mess he'd found himself in this time.