"My good bro Uchiha Jon," the tall man in silly robes said. He had a sword by his waist. Jon was pretty sure that was illegal in Japan, but he wasn't actually sure Dragonball Land had a Japan town.
"I just met you, Strawberry Shortcake," Uchiha Jon said. With a sigh, he got up and began running around the world. He knew where this was going.
"I need your help, dude," Strawberry Shortcake said. He had a stern face, or maybe it was just stupid.
"What is the diameter of pi?" Jon asked.
"A flavor I've never tasted, I guess," Strawberry Shortcake said, "why do you ask?" He quirked a brow.
"No reason."
"Well, I have no recipes for you, and no time to waste! Here!" S.S. said, stabbing Jon in the heart with his sword.
"THE FUCK!" Jon bellowed, but though his heart was pierced, he still felt the love of the world. Or maybe it was the psychedelics he was on.
Out of Jon came a long sexy sword. He blushed. "This proves nothing," he said.
"What are you going on about, bro?" S.S. asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"Okay, well, this is your shinigami sword. It is a manifestation of your spiritual will. Hold it out and pour energy into it."
"S'okay," Jon said and did the thing that was said. The sword transformed into a giant butter knife. "This doesn't look very sharp. How'm I to kill with this? Do I kill with it?"
"Wow! It's even bigger than mine!" Ichigo said, blushing (oh yeah, Jon just remembered that he did meet this guy once, but that's a story for a different day, or rather, about a different day).
It was 1942 when Jon dropped the bomb over Nagasaki via President Truman's orders. Well, it wasn't really his orders, either. The U.S. government had assassinated former President Roosevelt, because he didn't want to kill a shit ton of children, or something sappy like that. Jon knows this because he was the one who slipped him a polo by Ralph Lauren.
Since that day forward, Jon was haunted by the past, present, and future spirits of little Japanese boys who dyed their hair the colors of the Arians. Being a prideful Saiyan and Uchiha, this bothered Jon (Jon's pride is so great that when he goes Super Saiyan his hair actually turns the colors of a rainbow—it looks good with his Holiday Chidori Beard, and is definitely not the gayest thing about him—that'd be the buttsex with Dude Sasuke).
Anyhow, that's how Jon knew Ichigo "Strawberry Shortcake" Kurosaki.
"Hmm, you've got a point," Ichigo said, fixating his chin with his fingers. He was looking stern again, but said nothing more, because he's kind of stupid.
"So, what should I do, Kurosaki-chan?" Jon asked.
"Well, I think if you focus your reishi, it shouldn't matter if it looks dull."
"But then how do I strike fear into mine enemies?"
"That is another good point, my dear Jon-san," he said and studied over Jon for long time. Then a lightbulb fell on his head and he pounded his fist into his open palm. "I'm going to teach you to BANKAI!"
"I trim my plants quite frequently, thank you."
"Hmm, I don't know what you're talking about, Jon-san, but I've got this device that will help us awaken your bankai, then we can go and save the word or something," Ichigo-chan explained.
"S'okay," Jon said. He shook his sword around, and it transformed!
"Woah!" Ichigo shouted with jealousy, but not really, cause he was too stupid to be jealous or have any varied emotions beyond "kind of angry" and "nothing at all."
Jon's sword was now a giant Swiss army knife! Jon went and looked through all the different contraptions. There were corkscrews, knifes, scissors, pointy things, a machine gun... But what really caught his attention was a familiar looking wand. With hope in his eyes, Jon pushed the button on the wand...
...And Magical Girl Sasuke-chan appeared!
"ZOMG!" Jon said, doing the glomping.
Sasuke-chan giggled as they did the nuzzling of cheeks. "I have missed you!" Jon shouted. But he knew in his hearts this was nothing more but a creation of his memory. Magical Girl Sasuke-chan never existed, and no Sasuke knew Jon did, either. But that was okay.
"I've missed you, Jon-kun," Sasuke-chan said. She got up and put her fists on her hips. "MWAHAHAHAHAAHAH!" she laughed evily cutely.
"ZOMG I FORGOT HOW KAWAII YOU COULD BE!"
Ichigo was standing there all like, "WTF?!"
Jon patted him on the back. "Thanks, Strawberry Shortcake," he said, walking away with Sasuke-chan in hand.
"Jon-san, I need your help with the savings of the world!"
"Hahaha, forget about that," Jon said, "I'm gunna go fuck my girlfriend. Ja ne!"
