Author's Note: And now we come to the end. This is a shorter chapter than most in this fic. There was quite a lot more (it was nearly double the length), but I cut out all the sections except this one, because… well, because it felt right that it should be just this. At some point I might post a bonus chapter with bits that I wrote for this fic (or this arc) and didn't use, but that won't be right away.
There will be more Mirkwood fic. I have a couple in mind. But writing and editing this one has been mentally and emotionally exhausting so I do need to take a few weeks off from it before I start anything else.
I hope you find this a satisfying end to the arc. I've had parts of this chapter written in one form or another for years – from the moment I wrote Hours of Darkness, this was the end I had in mind, though I had no idea if I'd ever actually write all the stories and get to this point. If you have actually read all the stories and are reading this now – thank you for staying with it!
Ithilien, the Elven Settlement: Present
Saeldur has been in the Elven settlement for four days and barely even seen Legolas more than that many times before he makes up his mind. It is difficult, because he feels like he is forcing Legolas into a difficult position. But Gimli was right. Legolas needs to know the truth. This is the only thing left todo.
He walks to the talan they once shared. He tries to seem as though he knows what he is doing, but he cannot keep his feet from faltering. Across the clearing, Elves are turning to stare – or glower – at him. One or two take a step in his direction, as though to stop him, but in the end they let him go.
Perhaps they know, as he does, that this is necessary.
He knows better than to try to climb the tree without permission. He lays a hand on the trunk.
Go away, the tree snaps.
"I want to help."
You have done enough, traitor.
"Listen to me." Saeldur forces himself to sound calm. There is no point antagonizing the tree. "Everyone else here has spoken to Legolas. So have Aragorn and Gimli, the sons of Elrond, Faramir and Éowyn… and you can be certain the King said everything he could before Legolas left Eryn Lasgalen, and writes everything he can now. There is nothing left to be done unless I do it. Legolas is unhappy. The problem is of my making. That is why I believe I can solve it."
Go away.
"At least let me try."
You are a liar as well as a traitor.
The tree sounds personally aggrieved.
"You are angry with me," Saeldur says carefully. "And not entirely for Legolas' sake. It is on your own account."
I trusted you. We all trusted you! There are so many of our brethren who still need the touch of the Elves to awaken to themselves once more.
"And if Legolas is not cheerful, the whole forest feels it. I know. Let me talk to him. I have lied, for stupid reasons. But never – never – have I wanted to do Legolas harm. I promise you that." The tree hesitates. "Please. Just let me go up. If he does not want to speak to me, I will leave."
At last, grudgingly, a branch is lowered enough to let him swing himself up.
The tree does not make it easy. Perhaps it is testing his resolve. He has to stretch for handholds and footholds, and more than one branch whips away from his fingers when he reaches for it.
Finally he has gained the talan. He clambers up.
Even as he enters the sitting room, Saeldur knows they cannot talk in the flet. It is better than being surrounded by stone walls, but it is still too… enclosed… for shared secrets. And if he feels that, Legolas will find it stifling. There is a reason Legolas' confidences have always come under the open sky.
He hesitates before the door to Legolas' room. Finally he knocks and opens it. Legolas will know he is here; the tree must have told him. And if Legolas had truly not wanted him, he would never have been allowed to climb.
Legolas is sitting by the window, an open book on his knee and a cup of wine in his hand. It is very nearly full, as is the decanter on the table beside him, so he has not had more than a few sips.
It is the first time Saedur is seeing him properly since their parting in the healing wards in Eryn Lasgalen. His first thought is that Legolas is far too pale. Gimli was right.
"Saeldur." There is a brittle edge to Legolas' voice and Saeldur just manages not to wince. "I… Rochendilwen told me you were… I knew you were… I am sorry. I should have been here to…" Uncharacteristically lost for words, Legolas busies himself shutting his book and putting it on the table before he finally says, "Do you have everything you want?" He indicates the decanter. "Wine?"
The last thing Saeldur needs is that either of them should be under the influence of alcohol.
"Will you walk with me?" Saeldur gestures to the window. "Outside." Legolas hesitates. "Please. I will not take long." He spreads empty hands. "And I have no weapons, I could not threaten you."
Legolas scoffs at that, and gets to his feet.
Nobody tries to stop them from walking away from the small cluster of telain, though Saeldur is certain Eredhion and Voronwë have told the trees to raise the alarm if they go too far. They walk along the river in silence. The moonlight glints on the water and on Legolas' hair, and Saeldur can almost believe they are in the Woodland Realm, sneaking out after hours and hoping not to get caught.
When Saeldur thinks they have gone far enough, he stops. Legolas sits on a fallen log – at least that means he is willing to listen – but Saeldur is too full of nervous energy to settle down.
What if he cannot find the words to explain? Explanations have never been Saeldur's strong point.
What if Legolas hates him once he knows?
But Legolas is looking at him expectantly, and he has to say something.
"I was relieved it was not you," is what he says. "That was the beginning. I know it now. I could not admit it to anyone – not to my parents, certainly – not to Arahael – not even to you."
Legolas stares at him.
Saeldur realizes he is making little sense.
He turns away, trying to gather his thoughts, and, turning back, hesitates. He does not want to stand looming over Legolas, but he is feeling too restless to sit.
"What is it?" Legolas says, and it is the calmness in his voice that finally gives Saeldur the courage to speak.
"When Candnaur was taken," he says, "In the heat of the battle, the noise and the clamour, I had all but forgotten he was with us. It was unforgiveable, I know. I should have been paying attention to him and known where he was. He was there for my sake."
"You cannot blame yourself. We were all trained warriors, other than Candnaur, and it was our responsibility to try to keep him safe. We did our best – everyone did, I will answer for that. But we were never going to win that battle. It was even more chaotic than usual. The orcs were too numerous."
"Yes. I know. Legolas… I do not want you to misunderstand what I am going to tell you, so promise me you will hear me out fully."
"I am here, am I not?" Legolas says, with a wry smile. "Say whatever you must."
"It was… you are right. It was chaotic. You were there and in command that day, so I did not worry about keeping track of everyone. I was not aware of anything except what was immediately around me and my knives in my hands. I saw a flash of Candnaur's hair when he fell and the Orcs pulled him away – and I had forgotten he was there. I thought it was you. Legolas, for a moment I could not breathe. I was about to go after you – nobody would have been able to stop me. Then I heard your voice, and you were there, not taken and not dead – and then I remembered Candnaur. For that… that first moment… all I could think was that it was not you. I did not want him taken. I would gladly have given myself to the Orcs and spared you both. But if it had to be one of you… I was not glad it was him. I was not. But I was relieved it was not you."
"You never told me," Legolas says, his voice carefully devoid of inflexion, but not unsympathetic.
"I could not bear to admit it to anyone, not even to you. I was ashamed… and angry with myself…" Saeldur takes a few steps closer. He does not dare meet Legolas' eyes now. Sympathy will undo him, and he must finish. "Unfair as it was, I was angry with you… not because I thought you should have been able to save him, Legolas. I do not mean that. I was angry because… Because for that fraction of a second I truly believed you were dead – or worse. For all the grief I felt for Candnaur, I could not help being grateful that I had not lost you. It was not your fault, Legolas, and I did not understand myself then. I only knew talking about it – thinking about it – was too much. But I have had little to do in these months but think."
There is a long silence.
"Candnaur knew," Saeldur says at last, breaking it. "Not when he was taken – I pray, by the grace of Elbereth, that he knew nothing then. But he knew that although I loved him dearly, it was… different… with you."
There is much that is not said. It does not need to be. Legolas knows, as does Saeldur himself, that to be brothers-in-arms, to have fought side by side for as long as they have, leads to a tie closer than blood. They owe each other their lives a hundred times over, and more.
"Was that why you went to Arahael after Candnaur died?" Legolas asks.
"Perhaps. That was another thing I tried not to think about. I knew if I asked myself what I was doing, or why, I might find the answers unbearable. Arahael, I think, understood what I was feeling, far more than I did myself."
"More than I did, certainly," Legolas says, and the self-recrimination in his tone is too much.
"Legolas, I am not blaming you. I know what those days were like for you. I did not make them easier. Arahael lied to me, and encouraged me to lie to myself. It was easier than facing the truth, that I was as much to blame for my brother's death as anybody else. You took me off duty – you were right, of course, I was not ready for the battlefield."
"We have discussed this. Candnaur's death was not your fault."
Saeldur ignores the interruption. "Those first few days after Candnaur died…" He shudders at the memory. "I must have been mad. I… I did not want to hurt you, I have never wanted to hurt you, but when I did…" Saeldur takes a step forward and drops to his knees so he can look Legolas in the eye. He must make him understand. "When I made you bleed, and when I said things that I knew would hurt you, I hated myself. I knew what I was doing, but I could not keep it from happening. It was as though I was outside myself and watching and helpless to stop it." He reaches out to take Legolas by the shoulders, but he stops himself and lowers his hands. "There. Now you know my greatest shame. I loathed myself for hurting you, and I felt like that loathing was penance for not caring about Candnaur enough. I know that sounds stupid. It does not excuse anything I did. I will not ask you to forgive me."
"Go on," Legolas says quietly.
"That was only those few days. When you took the archers out I thought – I knew – there was a real possibility that you would return seriously injured. It brought me to my senses as nothing else could have done. I begged your father and Arbellason to let me go after you, but they would not. I could barely live with myself. If something had happened to you… it would have served me right, of course, but you deserved better, and I prayed desperately that the grace of Elbereth would preserve you."
"After that?"
"After that… I did not want to tell you about Candnaur. I did not want to burden you further when you already had so much to bear. I see now that I should have spoken to you. I would have been able to cope with… with Arahael's insinuations… if I had unburdened myself. I should certainly have told you about Arahael and Míron and their plans. I have no excuse. I was stupid. I never meant you harm, Legolas, I swear it. I would die before I willingly let anything hurt you. I thought I could keep you safe."
"You did. Melda would have killed me if not for you. I owe you my life. I know that."
"You owe me nothing," Saeldur says vehemently. "I was going to tell you after that. I would have done it, had Míron not interrupted. But then…" Saeldur laughs bitterly. "I might as well admit it. I was afraid. I was afraid you would not trust me again – I would have deserved it – but I did not dare face it."
There is a moment's silence before Saeldur goes on.
"The moment was gone. I promised myself I would tell you everything, one day when I could muster up the courage. I never did. Arahael spoke to me, later, occasionally, but I doubted he would seriously do anything. After the war, we were here and he was in Eryn Lasgalen and I put it all from my mind."
"But then Arahael's letter came."
"It did."
"Saeldur, if you cannot forgive me for being alive when Candnaur is not –"
"No."
Saeldur leans forward. He wishes he had his bow – a knife – anything to anchor himself, because his heart and mind are so full he cannot find words.
Almost before the thought is fully formed, Legolas' hands are laid in his. Saeldur clutches them desperately.
"I do not blame you for Candnaur's death, or think you were threatened by him, or any of the other things I said. I was horrified, because I never forgave myself for not having the courage to make that shot myself, for laying that burden on you in addition to all the others. Arahael's letter… Colfind and Aeroniel had it right." Saeldur tries to laugh, but it comes out as a sob. "It was too much for me to face. It was easy to blame you, because you let me do it."
Legolas holds Saeldur's gaze a moment more before looking away.
"Never," Saeldur breathes, "never, never for a moment think that I wish it had been you that day. I do wish Candnaur had been better prepared – or that he had never come at all – or, more than anything, that I had taken your advice and stayed home. But if I was destined to lose one of you that day… I am glad you are here, Legolas, more than I can possibly say. If Bregolien had…"
"He did not," Legolas says, "so there is no need to think about it."
"There. That is all. My bow and blades are already yours. They always will be, whether or not you want them. All I held back was the truth. Now you have it. I have kept no secrets, and if you want to ask any more questions I will answer. This is years too late, perhaps. I will not blame you if you cannot trust me again, and I will leave if you wish. I… I just had to make sure you knew."
"I thought you hated me," Legolas murmurs. "For Candnaur. If… If I could have given my life to save him, I would have done it. You know that."
Although there is no reproach in his voice, Saeldur flushes.
"I could not hate you if I tried. And if you had died saving Candnaur…" Saeldur does not finish the sentence. He does not want to let his mind wander down that road.
The silence stretches. This time it is Legolas who breaks it.
"I do not want to trust you."
Saeldur nods, and tries not to sob. He was expecting this, but it is still unutterably painful to know that there is no way back.
He starts to pull his hands away, but Legolas tightens his grip.
"I do not want to trust you. I thought I had learnt to be unforgiving." A smile quirks Legolas' mouth, small but real. "I have tried so hard all this time… but the truth is that I do not know how not to trust you."
Saeldur searches Legolas' face for a moment. Then he sits back on his haunches, relieved – and tired.
"You can read all my letters, if it helps."
His voice is shaking uncontrollably. He feels a ridiculous urge to cry.
"You do not have to be strong for me," says Legolas lightly, repeating what Saeldur has told him times without number.
That does it. With a wrenched sob, Saeldur drops his head to Legolas' knee. It is some minutes before he is able to raise his head. When he does, Legolas gently disengages his hands. Saeldur watches Legolas slide his dagger from his belt, not quite daring to believe until the hilt is pressed into his hands.
"Safe as the world is now, I would not have you unarmed. When I saw you stand there with the knife at your feet and not even attempt to pick it up. You were going to let him kill you. That must be one of the stupidest things you have ever done!"
"You were going to let Bregolien torture you for information," Saeldur says quietly as he takes the dagger. That is something he cannot joke about. "Even now, when I think about that… when I think about what might have happened and how close you came to death…"
"We are warriors. Danger is in our destiny."
"Danger in battle against the forces of the Enemy, perhaps. But if Bregolien had killed you, it would have been because of me." He pauses. "Your father thinks I might have learnt to control my temper if I had been forced to perform other… duties."
"Council meetings and trade negotiations, you mean?" Legolas shrugs. "Perhaps that is true. It is a little late for that."
"But it is not late for me to learn to control myself, as my mother has pointed out to me several times. I am not saying I will succeed every time, or that I will never argue with you –"
Legolas scoffs. "I would be very worried if that happened."
"But," says Saeldur, refusing to be diverted, "I will do my best. My mother said I should try to be worthy of your trust – and your friend Gimli said I should be worthy of your forgiveness. I know nobody else would have forgiven me."
"There are very few things that are truly unforgiveable. Words spoken in anger are not among them."
"I said the most hurtful things I could think of, and you almost died. Legolas, I have been having nightmares – no more than I deserve – and in all of them you die, with the last words you heard from me being such as I would seriously injure anybody else for saying to you. And every time I wake I know how fortunate I am that it is only a nightmare and I can wake from it. I would not have forgiven anybody else who did that to you. I cannot change the past. What I can do is resolve to be better."
"Talk to me," Legolas says, "when you are unhappy. That might help."
Saeldur nods. "Do you know where my bow is?"
"I think Eredhion and Voronwë put it somewhere. I will ask them to give it to you, if you like, but it might not be in good condition after lying unused for almost a year."
"It is not about the condition. I wanted –"
"I know what you wanted. It does not matter. I do not need your oaths, Saeldur… I am not angry," he adds, before Saeldur can protest. "You have sworn them, once. I trust you. I do not need to hear you say the words again."
"I need to say them." Saeldur straightens enough to look Legolas in the eye. "Or at least some of them. But you are right. I do not need the bow for this. You have my loyalty, now and always. I will defend you with my life."
"And I will try to be worthy of your faith."
"You already are."
THE END
