Fafnir went through the portal into Norseland, where Craster's women now called home.
"Ladies," he said.
"Hiiiiiiii Fafnir!" they said.
"What's going on in our old home?" asked a young, fierce one.
"Oh, not a lot," he said. "And yet, quite a bit. I've been bored to tears, and yet, and on the edge of my seat."
"Quit talking fancy," said an old one. "Give us the dirt."
"Okay, okay, okay," he said. "Do you remember Jon Snow? The Crow I've been following?" They nodded. Some made goo-goo eyes at the thought of him. "Well, old Jonny boy, he's got himself into some trouble." The women began to gather around in anticipation of a good story. Fafnir cleared his throat. "So the last time I was here, I told you of how Jon and I were spying on the wildlings for the Crows. Well, things got complicated for our young hero. You see, it turns out the wildlings made some good sense on a lot of things. Convinced now that the dreadful White Walkers were real, and getting a soft spot for his new wildling comrades...and a hard spot for a certain wildling woman, if you know what I mean...Jon became torn between a desire to decimate the entire wildling race, and actually helping save their pathetic mortal lives.
"Unfortunately, the wildlings were being a little bit dumb. They decided to launch an attack on the Night's Watch. Now, if I've learned one thing about the Watch during my time with them, it's that they are severely undermanned. So when confronted about the forces the wildling armies would come up against, Jon lied."
"Why would he do that?" asked a young girl. "I mean, that's just going to encourage the wildlings to send more men to compensate."
"Well, I didn't say Jon was very smart either, kid. I believe his goal was to discourage them, but the wildlings greatly outnumber the Watch either way, so it was no deterrent. The wildlings...oh, wait, silly me, I'm leaving out the best part. Jon had sex," said Fafnir.
"WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" the women cried.
"Details, details!"
"Well, calm down you little perverts! I wasn't actually there! Although, I had suspected this time would come for Jon, so I did give him some pointers," said Fafnir.
An old woman sat on Fafnir's lap. "Mind showing me some pointers?"
"NO!" Fafnir said, pushing her off. "Ugh, animals, all of you! No, I mean, when my old friend Takiya died, I inherited all of his manga. All of it."
"Oh you mean like THIS KIND?!" a teenage girl gleefully exclaimed, holding up some very adult books.
"Yes," said Fafnir. "I don't touch the stuff personally, but last time I was here, I might have dug some of it out and brought it back with me."
"Ohhhh, is that where volume 63 went?!" the girl said. "But that's my favorite one!"
"Okay, young lady, you are way too young to be reading that smut, let alone know the exact volume number," said Fafnir. "But yes, I imagine Jon did whatever it was in volume 63."
The women sighed. "Volume 63!"
"Anywayyyys...back to the important stuff..."
"That was the important stuff," a woman corrected him.
Fafnir ignored them. "So, the wildlings scaled the Wall."
"WHAT?! You can do that?!"
"Yes," said Fafnir. "And without magic! It was really quite amazing. They just took spikes and ropes and climbed that thing. They got to the other side of the Wall and started to raid the villages there. Now, Jon might be soft for the wildlings, but he isn't about to hurt innocent people either. But wildlings are chaotic. They tell Jon that if he doesn't kill this old man they captured, then he's not really a wildling.
"He doesn't do it, and the old man gets away. That's when Tormund...this big Thor-looking guy...orders Jon dead. His wildling lover shoots him, three times, in the back."
"Ohhhhhhhhhh!"
"I got him safely to Castle Black," said Fafnir, "and it is there I must return now. Jon is on trial for treason. I will be back in due time, girls. I hope you will be ready?"
"Yes, Fafnir!" they said in unison.
"Before I go, I want you all to know how very proud I am of all of you," said Fafnir.
"Bring back volume 63," one whispered.
"Of course," said Fafnir.
Fafnir burst into the hall at Castle Black. "HE'S INNOCENT! QHORIN TOLD US TO DO IT! IT WAS ALL A RUSE! AND IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, I SHALL BURN YOU ALL AND YOUR WALL TO THE GROUND!"
"Ohhhh, this one!" Alliser Thorne grumbled. "And where the hell have you been, Fafnir?"
"...I was with Sam," said Fafnir.
"What? I was right here the whole time," said Sam.
"Exactly," said Fafnir.
"Well, now, Fafnir's rant seems to corroborate the story, does it not, Alliser?" Maester Aemon asked.
"Or this devil has corrupted young Jon against us," said Alliser.
"Seems that Jon's mission served its intended purpose," said Aemon. "He has brought back valuable information about the wildlings."
"I say off with his head," said a man sitting beside Thorne.
Fafnir slid in beside Sam. "Who's that twat?"
"Janos Slynt," said Sam. "He was just sent from King's Landing."
"He looks like a twat," said Fafnir.
"He is a twat," said Sam. "Hey, Fafnir, how is Gilly?"
"Who?"
"Gilly," said Sam. "The girl that we...you know..."
Pypar stuck his head between them. "You guys have a threesome or something?"
"What? NO!" Sam said, pushing Pypar away.
"Oh, yeah, the girl you like," said Fafnir. "She's great. Really great. All of them are."
"Great," Sam said with a smile. "When will I get to see her again?"
"Soon," said Fafnir.
"Well, let's take a vote," said Thorne. "All in favor of Jon losing his head, say, 'aye!'"
There were a few enthusiastic aye's. Fafnir stood up and glared. "I want to know the name of each person who...!"
Sam pulled him down. "All in favor of Jon keeping his head, say..."
"AYE!" Fafnir yelled.
A rousing chorus of "aye!" followed from the Crows assembled in the hall.
"I didn't finish," said Thorne.
Aemon grabbed the gavel. "Jon keeps his head," he declared.
The Night's Watch was in preparation for the wildling assault they knew was coming their way. Jon and Grenn were assigned to train new recruits. Fafnir sat by and watched.
"Pathetic," Fafnir said when Jon sent them on break.
"Well," said Jon, "I don't see you offering anything."
"I wasn't asked," said Fafnir. "Evidently certain people in leadership still think I'm some sort of demon."
"Well?" Jon repeated.
"But, if I were asked, I would say, if you really want to wreck, you need to change your tactics," said Fafnir.
"How so?" Jon asked.
"I've been thinking," said Fafnir. He handed Jon a manga.
"What is this?" Jon asked, flipping through it.
"Tactics," said Fafnir.
Jon studied a page. "They're fighting a giant," he said. "And they've got...what is that? Are they flying?"
"Like I said," said Fafnir. "Tactics."
"This isn't helping," said Jon. "Also, I can't read it."
"Fine," said Fafnir, taking the volume back. "How about this?" He handed Jon a Curse Anthology.
Jon opened it. "I can't read this either," he said.
"Fine," said Fafnir. "I tried to help."
"Thanks, Fafnir," said Jon.
"No problem, Lord Maid Snow."
Weeks passed. News came of the wildlings' imminent approach. Fafnir assured Sam that when the wildlings arrived, he would also see Gilly again.
"What's your game, Fafnir?" Sam asked. "When the wildlings arrive, we could all die. Let me see her before, please. I'd like to spend some time with her before I die."
"Oh," said Fafnir. "You want Volume 63."
"What's Volume 63?" asked Sam.
"It's a terrible book depicting beasts in various abhorrent acts," said Fafnir.
Jon reached under his mattress and produced Volume 63. He tossed it so Sam. Sam opened the book and immediately turned red.
"Wha...Jon! Is this allowed?" Sam asked.
"Why not? The vow says we are to take no wives and father no children. It doesn't say we can't watch other people do it," Jon said.
"Jon," said Sam. "This thing they're doing...it can't lead to children, will it?" He showed Jon the page.
Jon turned red. "No, Sam. It does not."
"Hm," said Sam. "I see."
A horn sounded at Castle Black, and a flame was seen north of the Wall. The wildlings were coming.
"Are you sure this is going to work, Jon Snow?" Alliser asked as he strapped himself into his new equipment.
"No," said Jon. "But, the wildlings are expecting us to stand on the Wall and shoot arrows. This way, we can meet them in the trees where they are more vulnerable. We could save many lives."
"Or, we could fly straight to our deaths!" said Alliser.
"I know it's a longshot," said Jon. "But we have all been training tirelessly. Let's show these wildlings some new tricks." Jon drew Longclaw from the holster on his right hip, and a second sword from his left. He held Longclaw aloft. "FOR THE WATCH!" he yelled.
The others drew their swords and echoed the sentiment.
"Where is this Fafnir, anyways?" asked Janos Slynt. "This contraption was his scheme, wasn't it?"
"Fafnir is holding the land south of the Wall," said Jon.
The forest before them began to move. A giant's head could be seen poking through the trees.
"A titan!" Grenn exclaimed.
"You mean a giant," Alliser corrected him.
"But Fafnir's book called it a..."
Alliser groaned. "This shit better work."
"It will work," Jon said, although not quite as confidently as he'd like. "Alright, men. Attack on wildlings!"
They pushed off the wall, the miniature cannons around their ankles propelling them through the air into the trees. They extended their grapple hooks to the branches and took the wildlings by surprise.
"Oh, no," said Sam, looking out his window from Castle Black. "Fafnir! There are wildlings attacking from the south!"
"Aha! The time has come!" Fafnir shouted gleefully.
"Oh, no," said Sam, waiting for Fafnir to go full demon.
Instead, Fafnir made a portal. "Sam, you are going to see Gilly again!"
"But, wait!" Sam exclaimed. "Don't bring her back now! It's too dangerous!" But Fafnir and the portal was gone. Sam stared out the window, biting his nails. "Oh, no..." When the wildlings were at their doorstep, a portal opened up outside, and Fafnir flew out. Behind him where a bevy of women clad in shining armor and bearing spears. "Oh, mother of gods! Are those...Craster's daughters...and wives?!"
With their Attack on Titan inspired gear, the brothers of the Night's Watch were able to make short work of many wildlings, but many slipped through the ranks and reached the wall.
Jon rested on a tree, sizing up the situation. They had left a few men on the Wall who were not able to use the omnidirectional gear well, and they rained down arrows on the wildlings. Jon drew his swords. He knew he could make short work of the remainders. He powered up his cannons and flew. He ran Longclaw threw the wildling ranks, until he saw a head kissed by fire. He stopped abruptly and landed beside her. She pointed an arrow in his face.
"Ygritte," said Jon.
"Jon," said Ygritte, lowering her arrow. He lowered his sword.
Then, Ygritte screamed. A sword slashed the back of her neck, and she fell into Jon's arms. Olly landed and began fighting off the remaining wildlings without so much of a glance at Jon and Ygritte.
"We never should have left the cave," said Ygritte.
As he kissed her, the wildlings began to retreat.
Jon returned to the barracks. Sam was studying Volume 63 in his bed.
"Where is Fafnir?" Jon asked. "I need him."
"Oh, yeah, about that," said Sam. "Fafnir did a thing."
"Okay?" asked Jon. "What kind of a thing?"
"I'm not entirely sure," said Sam, "but it looked like he had trained all of Craster's daughters to be some kind of super army."
Jon processed Sam's strange words slowly. "That sounds crazy, even for him."
"They all came out of the portal with spears and armor," said Sam.
"Are you sure it was-"
But Jon couldn't finish his sentence, because Fafnir burst through the door followed by Gilly, who was dressed in armor and carrying a spear. There appeared to be a bloodstain on her cheek.
"SAM!" Gilly shouted.
Sam cried out in surprise and placed the book over his crotch. "Oh my gosh. Gilly!"
"Hi, Sam! Hi, Jon! Boy, am I tired from all the killing we did today!" Gilly said happily.
"Oh my gods. You were right. That's exactly what he did," said Jon.
"Oh, yes," said Fafnir. "Jon, you have to see this. I call it Project Valkyrie. It was a huge success."
"Gilly, are you okay?" asked Sam.
"I am great!" Gilly cried, throwing herself onto Sam's bed. "Fighting is so exciting, isn't it?"
"That's...yeah," said Sam, who hadn't even killed a rabbit for supper before. "Gilly, you know, you don't have to do this if you don't want to."
"But I'm really good at it," said Gilly. Sam simply stared at her in fear and lust. Gilly picked up Volume 63. "Oh, wow, Daddy never told us you could do that!"
"Aaaaaand on that note, Jon, let's take a walk!" Fafnir cried.
"Yes," said Jon. They left the barracks. "Okay. WHAT?!"
"I told you the girls would be in good care while I was gone. We swept through that whole wildling army that had gotten south of the Wall. We made very quick work of it all."
"Nice," said Jon. "And what does Acting Lord Commander Alliser Thorne think of all this?"
"Oh, he's scared to death of me. He won't be giving us any trouble now. I think they might even make me Lord Commander," said Fafnir.
"Gods help me, I'd support that," said Jon. "Fafnir, I'd like your help. I'm going north of the Wall again."
"Should I bring the Valkyries?"
"NO!" Jon said. "Well, maybe. Look, there are hundreds, no, thousands more wildlings up there. And Mance Raydar will not let up. We need to either kill him, or convince him to stop."
"You're not convincing that guy to stop," Fafnir said with a laugh.
"I'm afraid you're right," said Jon. "The only way to save the lives of all those people is to kill Mance."
"Wow!" Fafnir said. "You really do care about them!"
"I do," said Jon. "There's no reason for an entire race of people to die because of one man's foolishness."
Fafnir smiled. "Maybe you should be Lord Commander."
"Oh, no, be my guest, Fafnir. That title's all yours."
The Valkyries had taken over Castle Black's Great Hall. They were singing and dancing with goblets of mead while the Brothers watched in a mixture of fear, awe, and lust.
"Ladies!" Fafnir said as he entered the hall.
"Hiii Fafnir!" they replied in unison.
"Ladies, I am accompanying Jon on a side quest. If you need anything, just ask Ser Alliser and Ser Slynt. They are sure to comply with your every request."
"Thanks, Fafnir!" they replied. As Fafnir and Jon departed, the women blew them kisses.
"Those women are going to eat us all alive," Jon whispered.
Jon and Fafnir suited up once again. They were going to go through the tunnels under Castle Black to the lands north of the Wall, but when they saw all of the corpses left from Fafnir and his Valkyries, they needed to burn them. As the fires were dying down, a middle-aged man approached holding the hand of a young girl. Jon and Fafnir drew their swords. The man drew his, and pointed it at Fafnir.
"You," he said, "I'm not here to pick a fight with you. I saw what happened to our army when we did. I just want to know you are."
Jon looked at Fafnir. "You know this man?"
"I've never seen this man before in my life," said Fafnir.
"My name is Ser Davos Seaworth," said Davos. "I was loyal to the former King Stannis Baratheon, before you slaughtered him."
"Wait," said Jon. "Wait. Wait. King Stannis Baratheon?" It had been a while since Jon had had news of the goings-on south of the Wall. Just what had he all missed while he was with the wildlings?
"Yes, King Stannis Baratheon, the rightful heir to the Iron Throne, slaughtered in cold blood by that man beside you, along with the majority of our army."
"Oh, what? You're not wildlings?" Fafnir asked.
Jon's jaw dropped in horror. "You killed a Baratheon army?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"
Fafnir shrugged. "I don't know what a Baratheon is, and you mortals all look the same to me."
Jon fell to his knees. "On behalf of my colleague here, and the entire Night's Watch, I am sorry, and I accept full responsibility for his actions. You see, he's a demon."
"A demon?" asked Davos.
"Yes, a demon that I accidentally summoned, and now he's fighting for the Watch. He...he gets carried away. Fafnir, just how far south of the Wall did you go?!"
"We had been travelling north to the Wall," said Davos, "to ask for your help."
Jon groaned. "Help. Did you hear that, Fafnir. They wanted help."
"And we heard there was some sort of fight," said Davos. "Seemed like you were in some sort of trouble. So Stannis ordered his army to march into the fray and help."
"Help," Jon repeated. "Oh, gods, forgive us!"
"Then your demon there came out of nowhere with a bunch of wailing women, and cut us all down, including the King!"
"Oh. My. GODS."
"Oops," said Fafnir.
"Oops. OOPS?! That's ALL you have to say?" Jon shouted.
"I just can't shake this weird feeling that I helped," said Fafnir.
"No, Fafnir. You are mistaken. You did not help," said Jon.
"Seemed like kind of an extra person," said Fafnir. "Killing him simplifies things. Also, I didn't trust him."
"That's my Daddy," said the girl.
Jon and Davos stared judgingly at Fafnir.
"...You're welcome?" asked Fafnir with a flinch.
"GO," said Jon.
"I am sorry, but I really have the distinct feeling I helped," said Fafnir. "I don't know what it is. But this feels right."
"GO!" Jon cried. "Go, take your Valkyries, and your Curse Anthology, and your Volume 63, and leave us all alone!"
Fafnir stepped back. "Oh, you're serious."
"YES!" Jon cried. "You have helped enough, Fafnir. Thank you for the help. But I've learned my lesson, as my father learned long ago. Dragons are not to be trusted. Dragons do not help. Dragons only know how to do one thing. Burn."
Fafnir's eyes widened. "But...Jon..."
"I said go, Fafnir. I'll take your cloak. Consider your watch ended."
Fafnir bowed. "As you wish, Jon Snow." He laid down his black cloak, and the sword he'd gotten from the Watch. "I stand by what I said when I met you, you know."
"Don't," said Jon.
Fafnir ran back to Castle Black to get his Valkyries, and he left as mysteriously as he'd arrived.
Sam and Gilly met Jon when he returned.
"How was the mission, Jon?" Sam asked. Jon's eyes were red with tears. "Oh, no," said Sam. "Bad?"
"We've taken Mance Raydar into custody. The wildlings have surrendered," said Jon.
"Well, that's great!" Sam exclaimed. But Jon didn't smile. He lead Davos and Shireen to their quarters. "Jon?" Sam asked. "Jon, who are they? Where's Fafnir?"
"Fafnir is gone, Sam," said Jon.
"What? Why?" asked Sam.
"Where my sisters?" Gilly asked. "Did they go on a raid without me?"
Jon looked back at her, then just shook his head. "Forget them," he said.
Fafnir and his Valkyries took up lodging in Craster's Keep.
"We're not going back to Norseland?" one asked.
"No," said Fafnir bitterly. "Our services are needed here. We've been given special orders to stay here and kill Walkers if we see them."
"Yes, Fafnir!" the women agreed.
Fafnir sat down in Craster's chair. He blew a fire into the hearth and stared into it.
