19 – Ianto

We have an appointment in the morning with a lawyer friend of Jack's who he assures me is a good person to talk to, not at all judgemental. I am letting him lead me here and although it feels strange having someone else make decisions ... it is also sort of nice. Jack doesn't feel pushy or egotistical … he is not domineering. I really think he wants to help and I am glad of it.

The kids are abed, full of food and love. I can hear his voice droning down the hallway as he tells them some fantastical story that has giggling and shrieks that clearly have nothing to do with going to sleep.

It fills my house and my heart with warmth and I can now see I was totally wrong in my thoughts with regard to Lisa. She never loved me, I don't think I really loved her either. I just felt grateful for her attention like a sad kicked puppy. Now I can look back at things I see that it should have ended long ago between us. I had held on out of fear, not love. Clearly so had she.

I pick up the phone to key in a familiar number and it is picked up on the third ring. Silence so I speak "Lisa? Hi, it's Ianto."

"Ianto? Oh, hello duckling"

She knows I hate that and I wonder if it was a slip or deliberate so I take a moment and then add "I am just ringing about the few things in the attic. I suddenly remembered the Christmas stuff up there and you hate the decorations I purchased. Remember, you went out and got different ones, made me take mine down. I would like to come fetch them please. If that's OK."

"Oh…well … come while I am at work tomorrow would you? I don't know if I can see you right now, it's still so raw"

"Yes, yes it is" I try to sound contrite even if my brain is screaming BITCH BITCH BITCH but I know the best way to get my remaining stuff I hadn't had space for in my car was this way. "How are you Lissy?"

"Still preggers" she replies sullenly and I am struck with the fact someone must be listening in. Huh.

"I hope the father is taking some reasonability for the mess he has placed you in. You know … if he had worn a rubber I might never have known about him, would I" I used a sad tone "Oh Lisa, this is a mess. Seems none of us win from this."

"Oh Ianto, we don't need to talk about that" she sighs and I know she is on speaker as someone else makes a small noise in the background. Probably her mother who hated me anyway so I ponder things and go for gold.

"I would have forgiven you ya know. Counselling and tuff … maybe in time the fact you slept with another man and maybe the thought that he got you up the duff could have been forgiven but I cannot stand the thought of that baby that is not mine. It would hurt too deeply watching you grow, become and the baby coming into the world. A sweet, precious little life that I can never create with my sterility. It hurts Lisa but I think I can forgive you. Even if we can never be together anymore, I do forgive you for leaving me for someone else. At least he can give you children"

"What"

Clearly Mama Bitch and I am grinning as I hear the hissing starting. Yep, Mama didn't know the story did she. Mama is pissed, much hissing so I decided to close it down.

"I will come tomorrow while you are at work to get the last of my things I will lower the Christmas things to the spare room for you too sweetie. Which one is the nursery? I don't think I can go in there and see the little things … tell me which room to leave them in for you. We can't have you up the ladder with a bub now." I try to keep my voice grave but suspect my grin is showing in my voice "I will be able to fit everything in my new partner's big SUV anyway."

"WHAT"

I hang up the phone and start to laugh as the last thing I heard was her mother's hand clearly slapping the table as she leaned over her daughter to demand the true story.

"What are you up to?" Jack is in the doorway with an empty glass that once held milk for one of the kids, his eyes full of mirth watching me.

"I have a few things at Lisa's I never picked up and want to now. Now I feel ready to walk back in there, I want to take my stuff and go … put a line under it" I explain as he frowns "It's something me Granny used to say. I do to. You put a line in the sand tight? A good hard line and you step over it, don't ever look back. Move on, move forward. Sometimes a fight or an upset would be solved with that. We agree to a line, then let it go."

"I like that philosophy … a line can stop or start many things" Jack leaned over and kissed me in such a spontaneous manner that I find myself rising to meet him for another.

"Speaking of stopping or starting … wanna try my bed tonight?"

Oh my gods. I can barely believe my own balls there as he smiles and nods, winking as he turns to leave, calling over his shoulder "Sounds like another date there tiger."

Oh boy.