Uploading this quickly because my laptop is about to die :) Hope you all love this chapter... it's definitely one you've been waiting for. Also, I tried to make this timeline and everything easy to follow. But that's why editing this chapter took a solid week. Haha. :) Love you all!


6:00 PM

For as long as she could remember, Emily Fields loved the feeling of falling in love. From the way a lover's eyes glowed in the moonlight, to the feeling of security wrapped in someone else's touch, to the butterflies.

The fucking butterflies.

It was the way that they hit you when you least expect them. A few simple words or even a brief glance could send a lump in Emily's throat, accompanied by nervous energy building up inside her. Despite feeling like the jitters, real and unapologetic butterflies thrived in the early stages of falling in love.

With Alison, the butterflies first settled in just moments after their first conversation in middle school. Even with Emily's apprehension of being liked in the days and weeks ahead, Alison had tried to reassure her immediately. From the moment their fingers linked together for Alison to walk Emily to her first class, she was lost. Lost in her own head. Lost in the butterflies. At the time, she didn't link them to anything particularly romantic. It was the way someone was protecting her without question. It was the way that Alison's guidance through that hallway let her know she wasn't alone.

With Maya, butterflies weren't a part of the equation until after a few dates. Maya was more cautious than Alison and teetered back and forth between extreme commitment and apprehension. So after weeks of Maya bouncing between two sides of the same coin, she waited until the end of a date when they were kissing in front of Maya's house. Tilting back from each other's lips, Maya whispered faintly, 'I'm all in.' And even though it was only 3 words, a pack of butterflies invaded. They jumbled Emily's thoughts, clouded her judgment, and made her 'all in' as well without a second thought.

That was the danger with butterflies. With Alison, they made Emily lost. And with Maya, they made her jumbled and clouded. For being one of the greatest feelings in the world, Emily getting the butterflies also meant losing a part of herself to them.

These thoughts raced through her head as she began putting together every event of the day. So much had happened since receiving those papers in the mail less than 8 hours earlier. To try and rationalize it all, she had to go backward. She had to figure it out step by step.


4:00 PM

"Walk me through it, Em. I want to know each piece of this puzzle inside and out. Help me understand."

Emily looked content. She was wrapped in the arms of her fiancée. Maya encircled the ringlets of her hair with her delicate fingertips. Resting on Maya's chest, her hand finely perched atop her lackadaisical breaths up and down, Emily knew she should be content. She knew that helping Maya understand was the first step towards understanding how she felt as well.

Because even though Emily looked content, internally, she felt herself spiraling out of control. From the moment she read Alison's fateful note, Emily had fixated on it. No matter how she tried to escape her new-found reality, she felt haunted.

Made the decision for you. Happy now?

Why wasn't she happy? It was what she had first proposed. It was the choice she had been heading toward ever since she accepted Maya's proposal. It was inevitable. So why did the idea of it no longer make her happy?

Divorce. It had a name. From the word divert, meaning to change course. Meaning to turn from one direction to another. Altering each other's lives from the idea of forever to the idea of never. A continual belonging chopped to a definite end. It had a name that Emily was once all too familiar with. But since holding those papers. Since seeing those words typed neatly in the center of the page. She was in denial.

"Baby… we have to talk about it. Your mom was worried when I came over this afternoon."

Emily remained silent on Maya's chest despite her pleas. Talking about it wouldn't fix its permanence. Talking about her fears and confusion wouldn't change the fact that Emily had to reply to Alison's complaint. Emily had to take the next step.

She wasn't ready to step forward. She was still stuck in the revolving memory of that morning.


1:00 PM

Catching her breath was not an easy task. Her gasps left little to work with and made Emily wonder if the cold pangs hitting her lungs at each inhale represented the coldness of what was to come. Her limbs were shaky and felt distant at every new trial inhale. She could hear her mother's voice in the distance, trying to center herself back into her childhood living room. She could feel the air getting thinner around her as her world cascaded back into view.

The papers once in her hands now lay on the ground at her feet. Her hands had found their way behind her head, which was between her legs as she heaved. Her brain was swarming. But without a cohesive thought in sight, it felt like she was drowning. It felt like a punch in her gut that came from behind. And as she spoke, she realized that her voice sounded just as shaky and unsure as Alison's had in that parking lot just weeks earlier. This is what it felt like to be blindsided. This is what her wife had felt like for nearly a month.

"Why would she do this?"

"I think she's calling your bluff, sweetie."

"You think?" Emily stood, swinging her arms behind her in protest, "She can't come over here. I don't care what the plan was for today. She fucks up my plans; I'll fuck up hers."

"Emmy…"

"No, Mom! We were figuring it out. Who knows what these documents say? Is she wanting this to be immediate? Is she wanting to keep the house or sell it? Does she want custody of Liv?"

"We can call a lawyer, Emily. You need to calm down. To be fair, this is the ball you got rolling."

"Whose side are you even on? This is bullshit. We could've discussed this; we should've discussed this!"

"Sometimes, people's actions mean more than what their words can say."

"What are you talking about, Mom?"

"Well, Sometimes people speak incessantly but never take any action or don't follow through. If you characterize someone by their actions, you'll never be fooled by their words. I'm sure a part of Alison thinks you two have spoken enough about getting divorced. She wants her actions to speak for themselves."

Emily sighed, taking a breath for what felt like the first time in over a minute as she paced toward her cellphone.

Sorry for the late notice, but Maya just showed up over here. I'm going to postpone my errands til this weekend. Raincheck on you taking care of Liv today?

A few brief moments passed before Alison's reply came through,

Of course. I can switch around my day. Thanks for letting me know, Em.


4:00 PM

The irony of the century. 'Thanks for letting me know, Em.' Why had Emily given Alison the consideration of a proper text when Alison hadn't sent her a heads up in the first place? Why was Emily receiving this news on a piece of paper instead of being directly spoken words face-to-face? Why would Alison think this was the right step –

"Because it's what I did to her…"

"What was that, sweetheart?" Maya's head perked up from lying on the pillow in Emily's bedroom.

"She's doing this because it's what I did to her."

"I'm not sure why you're surprised; she's always been malicious."

Emily propped her head upon her elbow as she kept talking, "Malicious. Really? That's what you'd call her move today?"

"Yeah, babe. Malicious and calculated." Maya looked back at her, concerned as Emily spun off of her bed and began pacing back and forth in front of her window.

Her head was back to spinning. "But if Ali's –" Maya coughed immediately, "But if Alison's doing this because I didn't give her the heads up about us while she was still in jail. If she's doing this because of what I did to her and even you, think that she's being malicious and calculated, was I being malicious and calculated too?"

"I don't follow."

"She didn't talk about this with me in person because I didn't give her that opportunity either before we got engaged. She blindsided me because I blindsided her. So if you think that she's being malicious, you have to think that I was being malicious too?"

"No, you were following your heart."

"So then Alison is just following her heart?"

"No, Em. She's being cruel. You don't deserve being treated or told this way."

"And she did?! She deserved coming home and finding a golden band on my finger instead of hers? She deserved finding out I was in love with you from our daughter instead of from my lips? She deserved me bringing up divorce on our anniversary?" Emily's hands were coursing through her hair, unsure of what was up and what was down.

"None of that was planned though, Em. Look at what you're saying. You didn't expect to tell Alison the day she came home about our engagement. You didn't expect that Olivia would tell Alison my name before you could. You didn't expect your anniversary dinner to go so poorly that you felt like discussing divorce was the only option. Alison planned this. Since she's been home, she's been trying to figure out how to be on top, how to make you freak out and deteriorate before her eyes. And she finally fucking did it. She finally figured out what would make you fall."

"Is that what's happening right now? Am I crumbling?" Emily walked toward the mirror attached to her dresser to see the hollow circles slowly being carved beneath her eyes.

"Yeah, Em. You're cracking." Maya wondered over to Emily as she continued speaking, "Here. Turn to me. I'm right here. I love you, and I'm here with you. You need to get it together, but that doesn't have to be right now. You're allowed to crumble. You're allowed to fall apart. I'm here to catch the pieces. I can put you back together. In fact, that's what I do best."

"So she's malicious, but I'm following my heart?"

"You always follow your heart. You are the most dedicated mother, fiancée, girlfriend, and daughter that I've ever been with. You are the most selfless person in the world, and I love making every decision and choice for our future… Together. You were my light through the dark, and I'm here to be that for you now. I'm here to answer any question you may need the answer to."

"Okay…" she nodded into Maya's shoulder.

"If you want, we can even go to the lawyer together, babe. We can tackle this together. Alison won't win; we will fight her every step of the way to make sure you get what you deserve." Maya leaned up to kiss Emily delicately, "Unless that's not what you want. Do you not want to fight? If you don't actually care about us like you say you do, then you can accept the terms she sent now and be done with it."

"My, of course, I care about us. I care about us so much. I'm doing this for us."

"That means you want to fight. You want to fight against her manipulation, babe. You want to go against her cruelty. You want to ruin her calculations. You are so strong and powerful."

"Okay. I'll think about it." Emily inhaled, wrapping her arms around Maya's waist, "I've been in my head too long."

Maya smiled endearingly into her fiancée's eyes, "You are strong and powerful and so fucking sexy. You are passionate and honest and true and devoted. Let me help you get out of your head, sweetheart. Let's not think about it too hard."

And before Emily could even process their conversation from beginning to end, Maya had her straddled on her bed. She couldn't tell if it was the pressure of the day or the pressure being placed upon her hips. Still, all Emily wanted was for it to disappear as she succumbed into her fiancée's touch.


6:00 PM

Her thoughts were racing for far too many reasons. Maya and Emily had since traded places from their conversation earlier in the afternoon with Maya's head now lying on Emily's bare chest. Her fiancée's gentle inhales and exhales let Emily know that Maya had drifted to sleep as they lay wrapped in their sheets. Olivia would be waking up from her afternoon nap shortly. But Emily hoped Pam would arrive home before she began to stir so that Emily could work out every detail in her spinning brain instead.

Even after their passionate lovemaking, part of Emily still felt uneasy about her and Maya's conversation. Even though Emily believed a resolution had been reached, lying naked in the arms of the woman she loved took the weight off of their discussion. And looking back, she wasn't sure if she and Maya had come to any conclusion at all.

Why had Alison blindsided her? Was it for the reason she had deduced? Was it truly because Alison wanted to replicate the feeling she had coming home? There had to be more to it. Alison might have been bitter, but she wouldn't have done something this drastic purely out of spite.

Emily's brain swirled. There had to be another answer. Answers. That's what it was. That's what Alison had said during their last full conversation at Christmas.

We're back to last week when you couldn't answer any question I asked.

Hitting Emily like a ton of bricks, she wracked her brain, 'Have I answered any question today?' When she looked back on her entire day, though, she only saw her questions being answered, never the other way around. Emily asked dozens of questions about what was happening, why it was happening, and how she should feel about it. But at no point in time had Emily made those decisions for herself. She had only been told. She had been told what was happening and why and how and what she should do about it. Even with her mother and fiancée, Emily had become silent in the face of being unsure.

But that didn't make any sense. All she ever felt was love. Her days were now filled with the butterflies. Maya enticed them with her every touch, her every motivation, her every word. Words. That's what it was.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck," Emily whispered aloud, trying to trigger her memory back to her mother's conversation with her earlier that day.

If you characterize someone by their actions, you'll never be fooled by their words.

In the heat of the morning, that sentence had passed through her memory briefly before disappearing. But trying to piece it together, she began tearing her conversation with Maya apart.

She's always been malicious.

Malicious. Really? That's what you'd call her move today?

Yeah, babe. Malicious and calculated.

But after seeing Alison's torn-up note and check in her fireplace on Christmas Day, Emily knew that Alison hadn't changed in the slightest. She still wanted what was best for her. She still wanted Emily to be supported and settled. Maybe she had wanted to catch Emily off guard, but not for the sake of maliciousness or calculation. And yet, by the end of their conversation, Emily was now on Maya's side.

You want to fight against her manipulation, babe. You want to go against her cruelty. You want to ruin her calculations.

Okay. I'll think about it.

On top of that, Emily thought she was getting somewhere earlier today in understanding her wife. Emily had started realizing the missteps that she made with Alison coming home. The lack of warning and the overwhelming nature of the news.

She's being cruel. You don't deserve being treated or told this way.

And she did?! She deserved coming home and finding a golden band on my finger instead of hers? She deserved finding out I was in love with you from our daughter instead of from my lips? She deserved me bringing up divorce on our anniversary?

Emily was trying to make sense of it all. She was getting closer and closer to being able to relate to Alison, but as soon as she reached forward… Maya pulled it away.

Alison planned this. Since she's been home, she's been trying to figure out how to be on top, how to make you freak out and deteriorate before her eyes. And she finally fucking did it. She finally figured out what would make you fall.

Emily rolled out of bed, eyes wide open. Looking back over her shoulder, she began questioning her butterflies, which were slowly fluttering away to make way for the pit in her stomach. Throwing on a robe over her nude figure, she left her childhood bedroom to walk 3 doors down to Olivia's room.

There was no way that she was onto something. Maya's words consoled her. They helped her. They made her feel like she belonged during a time when she felt out of place. Fooled by her words? There was no way. And as Emily kept pacing down the hallway, she began jumping between their conversation and whispering out loud into the darkness.

Yeah, Em. You're cracking.

"She told me how to feel…"

You need to get it together, but that doesn't have to be right now. You're allowed to crumble. You're allowed to fall apart.

"Is that what she wants me to do? Does she want me broken and crumbled?" Emily shook her head in her hands as Maya's words continued cascading down on her.

I'm here to catch the pieces. I can put you back together. In fact, that's what I do best.

Since high school, all that Maya had down was put Emily back together. Is it what she did best? When each time Maya left, Emily was decimated, further put into shambles. She depended so much on her that when Maya being absent was the reality, Emily couldn't be present.

So she's manipulative, but I'm following my heart?

You always follow your heart. You are the most dedicated mother, fiancée, girlfriend, and daughter that I've ever been with. You are the most selfless person in the world, and I love making every decision and choice for our future… Together. You were my light through the dark, and I'm here to be that for you now.

Emily froze in the hallway just outside of Olivia's room because her heart stopped at the way Maya had said one small sentence.

"I love making every decision and choice for our future. Did she really say that, Em? Go back. Think! There's no fucking way…"

Earlier she had paused. Maya had been speaking and nearly forgot to edit herself. 'I love making every decision and choice for our future.' Beat. Together.

Emily paced into the hallway bathroom, closing the door behind her as she began panicking, "No, no, no. She's not making the decisions. You're making choices too, Em. You're not going crazy. Maya's fine. Everything's fine. She's not making the decisions. She's not."

I'm here to answer any question you may need the answer to.

"Any question I need the answer to? Shit. No wonder I can't answer anything for myself. Has she been there answering for me the whole time? What the fuck is happening, Emily?"

If you want, we can even go to the lawyer together, babe. We can tackle this together. Alison won't win; we will fight her every step of the way to make sure you get what you deserve.

Sitting on the edge of the bathtub, Emily realized that Maya had begun to infiltrate her every action. Her every thought. Her every word. Her every belief.

Unless that's not what you want. Do you not want to fight? If you don't actually care about us like you say you do, then you can accept the terms she sent now and be done with it.

My, of course, I care about us. I care about us so much. I'm doing this for us.

That means you want to fight.

"That. Manipulative. Bitch." Emily's hands began to shake as she realized the phrasing of her fiancée's conversations. The intense passion. The reliance of being the protector. Convincing Emily of one thing and then undermining her decisions altogether. Emily was the one who needed help in their relationship; those roles were never reversed.

I've been in my head too long.

You are strong and powerful and so fucking sexy. You are passionate and honest and true and devoted. Let me help you get out of your head, sweetheart. Let's not think about it too hard.

Had her smile leaning in to capture Emily's lips been one indicative of care or had she thought that she had won? That she had gone yet another conversation without Emily catching on.

Emily's gasps from this morning had now returned as she craved air her body had so desperately been missing. How long had this been going on? How long had she been manipulated? How broken had she been when they met and how many pieces had Maya put back together?

Her nervous energy sent the butterflies straight back into her chest. The feeling of not knowing, of wondering what potentially could be next, of being willing to jump no matter the consequence.

For as long as she could remember, Emily Fields loved the feeling of falling in love. From the way a lover's eyes glowed in the moonlight, to the feeling of security wrapped in someone else's touch, to the butterflies. And even though they felt the same, Emily could finally sense the difference. She could feel how lost she truly was. She could differentiate between her once clear thoughts now being clouded. She could feel all of herself that she had lost to chasing the same feeling with Maya again and again.

Because Emily now had the clarity that the butterflies she continually felt with Maya, weren't butterflies at all. They were warning signs.


So these last few lines are clearly inspired by Halsey's 'Graveyard'. Emily's catching on to Maya's manipulation. What do you all think?

Was this easy enough to follow? I hope so... I may be editing the next few days to make anything more clear that I need to.

We're working our way towards attempting to get to a full-on Emison story! But don't worry, there's still drama to come!

Missed you all!

Read. Review. Favorite. Pass Along.

- secretpen2