Chapter 20
He didn't mean it
"Shouto," Midoriya winces as Todoroki applies first aid treatment on his face that was currently bruised and purple. "why were you there? Didn't I tell you not to follow me—Ouch!"
They were currently sitting at the dining area, a first kit laid on top of the table. Kirishima, Bakugo's close friend, assaulted Midoriya and left him with a rather large bruise on his face. It was an unusual sight to see and a sight Todoroki would never imagine he would see someday. He didn't expect it to see it today, either.
"Stop moving and it won't hurt," Shouto continues his ministration with his usual deadpan.
"Sorry," Midoriya lowers his head.
"It's alright. I should be the one apologizing for ruining my promise."
"So why did you follow me?" Deku insisted, not dropping the topic.
"Gut instincts," He replied tersely.
"That's a stupid excuse but okay?"
"I'm serious," He says in a tone that is affirming that he really is. "I guess I have acquired this radar when I feel like the love of my life with get caught in some sort of trouble again."
"Again?" Midoriya crosses his arms and pouts. "Hey, don't make it sound like it's an everyday occurrence for me to get caught in a brawl! And it wasn't even a brawl, I just gawked at him while he punched me square on the face."
"There, there." Shouto tried to sound soothing, but with his usual monotonous tone.
It was as if he was mocking Deku, the green-haired man childishly puffs his cheeks in return. "Mou!"
Shouto chuckles, patting him on the head like a dog being placated.
"So what's your plan now?"
Midoriya blinks in confusion. "What do you mean?"
"Will you plan to contact him again?"
Midoriya looks away bitterly, biting his inner cheek. "I have to."
Shouto, although he looks worried, smiles gently at him. "I'll be there for you all the way, remember that."
Deku tears up as returns the smile, cupping Shouto's face with his large, calloused hands. "Thank you, Shouto, for being supportive. I don't think any other boyfriend would allow me to see my ex."
"It's because you need to. You have a reason to do it, a very important one. I wouldn't approve it if it's a random situation, but if it means setting you free from your past then I will wholeheartedly be there for you.
"I told you, didn't I, that I wanted to meet the past you, the past 'you' that has yet to meet me, the troubled 'you' with all your issues and situation. But before I can meet you eye-to-eye, I know you need to heal that part of you first. The only way for you to do so is to have your closure with Bakugo."
Midoriya leans his face on Shouto's shoulders, his hand tightly grabbing the hem of Shouto's shirt. "Thank you for being so understanding of me and my fucked up past. I love you, and no words are enough to set into amount how much I do."
"The moon is beautiful tonight, isn't it," Shouto whispers in reply a line by Soseki Natsume, kissing him on the forehead.
Bakugo Katsuki is fidgeting on his seat.
God, imagine that. Him, the Bakugo Katsuki, acting like a high school girl who was just asked out by her crush. Well, you can say that he's somethingalong the lines. You can't fathom how ecstatic he was when he received another text from the love of his life Midoriya Izuku, asking him out to meet him again. I mean, yeah, their first date in a while was a disaster because Shitty Hair was being an asshat but that doesn't matter.
What matters is their date now.
He's so excited to see Deku again, his beautiful, little Deku. It doesn't matter that he disappeared and went MIA for almost a year. He's sure Deku will give him an acceptable explanation later, he might even explain why he was with that creepy half-and-half kid in the café. He looks stupid, like a wannabe hero cosplayer or something.
It doesn't matter. He doesn't matter.
Deku does.
Currently, he's sitting on a bench in the middle of a park near their university. Surrounding him were sakura trees, its petals are scattering each time a strong breeze blew. In every direction that he looks, he is greeted by the softness of pink as the petals littered on the ground, creating a carpet of sakura at its wake. There was nobody in sight in the park, everything was so quiet and serene. The only sound that accompanies him is the chirping of the birds, seemingly enjoying its stay on the trees.
Katsuki huffed, his breath forming a condensed cloud as he rubbed his hands together.
"Kacchan?"
He perks up, turning around to see the most beautiful eyes of pines that he's oh so familiar with yet it feels so foreign to look at now. Midoriya Izuku offers him a tentative smile (why is he hesitating?) as he walks towards him. He looks beautiful—as he always does, with his green sweater and a black beanie, blue faded jeans and his signature ugly red rubber shoes.
Deku is a sight to behold.
"Hey, Deku!" Shit, he sounds too enthusiastic! He gotta keep his cool or else Deku would think he's too excited and might creep him out.
"Did I make you wait?" He says, sliding on the bench, sitting beside him.
"You did," Better.
Deku chuckles, what a nice sound it is. "Sorry about that,"
"None taken."
Good good good good.
Deku seems unsettled, he might be trying his best to hide the worry on his face but Kacchan knows him too well. He's about to say something that Kacchan will not like.
"Kacchan."
"I missed you."
They speak at the same time. The words that were supposed to follow dies in Deku's mouth. Why, why was he looking at him in horror? Why did it seem
Iike he was about to cry?
"Deku?" He finds himself whispering in confusion.
Midoriya closes his eyes shut as he looks away, biting his lips until it bled.
"Deku, look at me." He says, unconsciously finding himself reaching out to him.
Then Deku finally did. Upon seeing the look on his eyes, Kacchan's hands fell to his side.
Why...?
"I'm sorry, Kacchan."
Why are you saying sorry...?
"I know you're thinking the reason why we're here right now is that we're gonna talk about how we'll get back together," Aren't we...?
"but we're not."
"Then why...?" Kacchan's voice cracks, his whole body was shaking. "why did you ask me—"
"Because I want to apologize," Deku says. "I'm sorry for everything that I've done to you. No words are enough, I know, to fix this, to fix us—"
"There can be an us if you want to, Deku. Just come back to me, and we can go back to before."
There he is again with his eyes full of sorrow.
"Kacchan, this is the exact reason why we can't go back to before—"
"Even if I beg?"
There is a long bout of silence. Deku looks at him, dumbfounded as if he couldn't believe that those words just escaped from his mouth. But honestly, who would believe you if you told them you heard Bakugo beg?
"No, Kacchan please don't—"
"Because I will," Bakugo says. "Deku, I beg you. Come back to Yuuei. Come back home. Come back to me. I'll forget everything that happened, just please—"
"Don't even finish your sentence!" Deku shouted. Scarlet red eyes dilate in surprise. "Kacchan, can you even hear yourself?! You sound—"
"Pathetic?" Kacchan finishes for him. "You think I didn't think of that? The moment I came here, mentally prepared to beg for you to come back to me even though I already know you have someone else in your life was enough of a big slap to my face just to remind me of how pathetic I've become."
"W-w-wait... You know about...?"
"Yes, that half-and-half brat." He says the tone is dripping with menace. "He was the one who dragged you away from the crowd as I beat up shitty hair. I saw the way he was looking at you, it was a reflection of me: someone so hopelessly in love with you."
"Kacchan, please stop." Deku is close to tears as if Kacchan's words are physically hurting him. "Stop saying that."
"That I love you?" He recoils back. "But it's the truth. Even if you left me to the dust for almost a year—"
"And that's exactly why you should've forgotten about me!" Deku speaks louder. "It's been almost a year, Kacchan. I did you wrong. Please forget about me."
"Don't you think I tried?" It's Kacchan's turn to shout. "For fuck sake, Deku! Don't think too highly of yourself! I didn't just wait for you like a dog for one whole year! I tried to forget you, believe me, I tried to fuck anyone in the vicinity just to forget you but... I couldn't. I'm not like you who managed to easily replace me."
"How could you, Deku? How could you just do... that? I can't accept that you're moving on just fine without me. That you've already moved on. When I saw that kid look at you with those... those eyes of his... I knew there was something between you two going on."
He pauses, letting the tears that were brimming in his eyelids finally trickle down his cheeks.
"How could you replace me so easily? Didn't our past mean anything to you? Did I mean anything to you?"
"Kacchan, it did. You did. You once meant the world to me." He closes his eyes, swallowing the imaginary lump in his throat. "But I don't want our past to hold me up from—"
"Well, fuck you! that's the reason why I'm held up!" He cries. "It's unfair. It's unfair," Kacchan's voice shakes. "that I'm the only one missing you, missing us. How could you do that, Deku? How can you replace me so easily?"
"Kacchan," He hesitantly takes Katsuki's hand, but Katsuki quickly slaps it away. "I didn't replace you. You'll always have a special place in my heart. I still have a part of you inside of me. You know you do, we both know that. But there are other spaces in my heart for other people to fit in aside from you. And it's the same for you."
Now, Bakugo was openly sobbing. Deku wanted to touch his shoulder, tell him it's going to be okay. But he won't. He won't lie to him. He loved him too much to promise Katsuk false hopes again.
"You could've just told me instead of disappearing out of nowhere," Katsuki cries.
It was such a painful sight to see, seeing this usually proud man crying there in front of him like a small child. And he is ready to make things worse. Not because he wants to but because Midoriya needs to.
"Would it make a difference?"
"It would make a big fucking difference, you shitty nerd!"
"I did it for your sake, Kacchan! We both know how toxic our relationship has become and it would've been better if we ended it as early as possible!"
"My sake?" He scoffs. "You disappeared out of nowhere for one whole year and all this time I was worried that I did something wrong. Now, you're telling me it's for my sake?"
"I didn't know how to tell you without hurting you," Deku reasons.
"Well, I still got hurt. And it hurts even morebecause you couldn't say it straight to my face!"
"I know you wouldn't say no for an answer."
"I would!" His voice falters. "I would, I would've.Anything, just anything but what you did is a better alternative of telling me."
There is a long silence between them. Underneath the sakura trees are a sobbing Kacchan and a teary-eyed. It is ironic, how the environment surrounding them is peaceful, a far cry from the turmoil they're currently facing.
"I'm sorry, Kacchan." Finally, Deku speaks.
Kacchan closes his eyes, shaking his head. "That's what you always say."
"I'm sorry, Kacchan."
"It's too late, Deku."
"I know, and I'm still sorry. I'm sorry for hurting you."
"We both hurt each other," Kacchan says. "I'm not dumb enough to disagree that our relationship was shit. But we could've fixed it! We—"
"We couldn't and we still can't!" Deku tries to swallow the sobs that are meaning to come out of his lips. "Kacchan, we broke each other! I was having hallucinations of you back when I just left and it only stopped just recently. It was eating me away, Kacchan. I love you, loved you, and I couldn't stand myself because I keep on hurting you and you wouldn't fight back because you blamed yourself for what happened to me."
"But is my fault!"
"It's not. It was never your fault, Kacchan. Stop beating yourself over it and taking accountability for things that are beyond your control."
Kacchan doesn't say anything, instead, he looks at the blue sky above them with a mournful expression. It takes a good minute before he finally speaks.
"You know, I haven't set afoot in that café ever since you left."
Midoriya blinks.
He chuckles. "It's the truth. Neither have I been going to the market where we used to buy our groceries because it would remind me of you. Nor have I been to the men's section at the UA mall because that was where I bought you my first birthday gift to you in a while. You remember what it is?"
"A wallet," Midoriya says.
Kacchan nods, fondly. "Yeah, a wallet. I remember Pinky asked me why did I choose a wallet as a gift out of all things I could give—"
"It's because you broke my wallet, literally and figuratively."
Kacchan smiles. "Yeah, that's what I told her. She thought it was funny."
"It was."
"It isn't to your old wallet," He pointed out.
Deku laughs. "True,"
There was a long silence between them once more, but this time Kacchan has a relaxed look on his face—he isn't wearing his usual scowl.
"You know, after you left, I flunked out every class and got debarred out of Yuuei."
Green eyes widen, he opens his lips to say something but no words managed to form in his throat.
"I couldn't even bare going to uni anymore ever since you left because it reminds me of you. And it hurts. It hurts so bad.
"So when you said in that alleyway that we're going to talk 'next time', I felt like a huge thorn was taken out of my chest, that every pain and suffering I've been through is worth it.
"Then this is what I hear from you."
Deku frowns, "Kacchan, I'm sorry. I didn't know—"
"You didn't know that you left such a scar in my life that I completely spiraled down the moment you left me?" Kacchan grins, but it doesn't reach his eyes. "Maybe it wasn't your fault, maybe it's mine because I couldn't keep my priorities in check and cry over you for 3 fucking months instead of doing my schoolwork. And even if I tried, I still couldn't because it will remind me of you and it hurts like a gun wound. I always end up crying on the floor whenever I attempted to."
"Kacchan, I'm sorry—"
"I don't blame you, of course. Don't worry." He reassures. "I blame myself for wasting my time on someone like you."
"Kacchan..."
"So this is what this talk will consist of?" Kacchan wipes his dried-up tears. "Me, telling you how everything went. You, saying sorry for things which you, what do you call it, call 'beyond your accountability'."
"Because Deku, I'm sorry, too. For everything that has happened between us. I've hurt you, you've hurt me. We ruined each other's lives and left scars that no enough amount of time will heal. Well, I think yours already did"—Kacchan gave him a sideglance—"but mine won't. Ever.
"You also didn't answer me."
Deku raises an eyebrow. "What?"
"I told you, I missed you."
Deku doesn't know how to react, awkwardly remaining silent on his seat.
He laughs without mirth. "You won't even bother to say that you miss me, too?"
"Kacchan—"
"You can't even force yourself to say those words for me? Even if it's just a lie?"
Deku doesn't say anything.
Kacchan finally stands up, turning his back on Izuku. His whole body was shaking, his hands were balled into a fist. Although Deku couldn't see his face, he knows. He knows that he's fighting back his tears.
"You know, I once dreamed of spending my whole life with you. But now, I've never hated anyone as much as I hate you."
And with that, Kacchan leaves.
Deku stands up, reaching his hand out as if this would stop Kacchan from leaving. He wants to go after him. Instead, he falls to his knees and wails.
Author's Note: This chapter was very difficult to write, mainly because I suffered the same scenario as of recently. I wonder, did you feel my pain as I typed each and every word? Can you guys guess which words were uttered in real life and utilized in this chapter?
Hope you guys will have a field day because it's a LOT.
Anyway, kudos, bookmarks, comments, are highly appreciated! (I especially want to hear your opinion about this chapter) (especially to you guys, BakuDeku stans)
