~ Always ~
A/N: Before you read this chapter, I want to answer to some reviews about the last one. I know Blake and Beca should probably end up together, because honestly, why not? I could totally picture them as a couple, but not in this story. Or in any other story I could ever write about a Pitch Perfect AU. Blake is protective of Beca, and Beca sees Blake as a point of reference, someone she can count on. But there's nothing romantic about that, and even if I wanted to, I couldn't let the spark between the two of them burst. It's about sisterhood, which from my point of view is much stronger than a love relationship. I know there's a lot of drama and angst and Chloe's character is not what you might expect, and after this chapter you'll probably be even more convinced of your theory but I hope that as you go on with the story, you'll be able to understand that although the relationship between Beca and Chloe is a disaster at the moment, what bonds them is much stronger and goes beyond all that. I'm just asking you to be patient. There's gonna be a turning point.
Well, after boring you, I hope you still find the story equally interesting, and that said, enjoy the reading.
Pov Beca
Come on, Beca, we're gonna be late! You know they only serve food until a certain hour, and we're already late!
She's unbearable. I don't know how she always drags me into such situations. Every time I hope to do something quiet, simple, nothing lively, never a chance. It's not enough to go just for work in discos and clubs, I also have to go to these places to spend my free time. And all this, to keep Amy happy, who made up the excuse to "celebrate" the release of my first track of the album, when in fact, it's only because she's been wanting to go to Dragonfly for a lifetime, but I've always said no to her.
Amy I don't think your stomach will complain for, at least, until tomorrow morning. Nothing happens if we get there later!
Don't be a buzzkill! Get in the car, the others will be there already!
What? The others who?
As I fasten my seat belt, I notice how Amy looks around as if to find something to say to deflect the speech. Obviously it wasn't something she should have talked about, not to me at least. If they arranged something behind my back, I swear I will kill them all.
Uh... See you clearly misunderstood me, uh... What I said was ah.. Uh... The trees are all there, yay?! Uhmm. .We're surrounded by trees, it's a really nice neighborhood this-
Amy. Spill. Out.
It's been known since ages that I hate surprises. And even if you don't know, just look me in the face, I'm not exactly the type for this kind of thing. What the hell, even a blind person would understand that. I throw a grim glance at Amy, who in the meantime, got the car started and has printed on her face a smile of those pulled to hide the obvious mistake she made. God is so annoying.
Amy.
Ahhh...come on Shortie. You won't be able to get any other information from me, so put your soul at rest.
I hate you, all of you.
That's not true, you love us insanely.
I exhale a bothered sigh and turn completely towards the window, dropping the conversation. It is useless to continue discussing, now I am here, if there the situation will be uncomfortable, I will not wait even a moment to take a taxi and come back home. They know that I much prefer to know things in advance, it's a psychological matter. You prepare yourself mentally, it may seem stupid but sometimes you need it. Especially for shy people like me. I know very well that 95% of the social and performance anxiety will disappear once there, but it's just as irritating. Plus I don't even know who's going to be there, obviously I think the Bellas, maybe the Kids, maybe her?
I already feel my stomach revolting upside down, and a slight spark of hope seems to invade my body. I shouldn't feel like this, but I can't, it's stronger than me. I turn slightly towards Amy with a look that will surely seem between the terrified and the hopeful, swallowing conspicuously, as when you want to ask something but you are afraid to do it. The night has already started badly, if I had to find out that she will not be there, probably my mood would become even worse, but I also think that if I knew of her presence there, the anxiety would increase even more and perhaps even the nervous, for what happened at my home, her reaction and everything else. Shit. In one way or another it will end up worsening my mood anyway.
You know, I understand that I look good and staring at me can be a joy to everyone's eyes, but it seems like you're about to poo yourself and you don't have the courage to tell me. Everything okay? Should I stop?
I'm distracted from my thoughts by Amy's comment, not realizing that I've been staring at her for a good handful of minutes. She's incorrigible, I don't know how she always has a ready answer.
No, um... No! I'm sorry. I...
Got it, no urgent need. But are you okay? Are you like this for tonight? Come on Beca. There's nothing to worry about, it's not a big deal.
No, I mean yes, but no.
I shake my head slowly and turn my attention back to the lights outside the window. They run so fast that it seems like continuous sparks of light making room for themselves in a background that leaves no space for anything but darkness. It's absurd how I am so easily influenced by her, by the very thought of her. I go from being hopeful of finding her there, to resigning myself to the reality of the facts within 1 second, and then whether she is there or not, I don't know how much difference it would has on our situation. "Our". I would say more mine than hers, since she has expressly stated that she has made a mistake. I would be her mistake. Who knows, maybe in these years she thought that I always was, from the beginning. But who cares, surely knowing it wouldn't make me feel better.
Yes or no?
Yes and no Amy. I'm nervous because you, and God only knows who else, organized this evening at the Dragonfly without me knowing anything, and no because that's not the main reason, or rather the only one.
I answer her with a annoyed but firm voice. The evening did not start in the best possible way, I just hope that it ends better.
Do you want to know if she comes, don't you?
She takes a quick look at me and then turns her gaze back to the front. I look at her for a few moments, and then stare at the road in front of me, not focusing on any particular point.
Forget it...
I whisper in a low voice, doubting that she has heard me. Fortunately, she doesn't resume the speech and I thank her mentally because I sincerely don't want to know. I want to take it as it comes, I don't want to expect anything. I already create rather high hopes for myself uselessly, at least for today I want to try to reset them, although the most remote point of my consciousness suggests something else.
Anyway Shawshank I haven't congratulated you yet, you crushed it! I've been watching you on streaming for the whole time you've been on the radio. I'm sorry I didn't come, but you know... Work...
What? You? Who are you, what have you done with Amy?
I frown my forehead and look suspiciously at the blonde Australian. Yesterday she was supposed to be on the radio to watch my first performance, but I should have predicted that she would never come under the scorching sun in the middle of the morning, on the other side of LA, too many calories burned. It seems rather strange to me that she has a job, especially since she has such a bank account with so many zeroes that it is difficult to even keep them in mind, and she could live quietly on income. Courtesy of her mother.
Weeeell... If you one day become the new Taylor Swift or the new Beyoncé, it may be that I become the new Charlize Theron or Cate Blanchett, who knows!
I can't follow her speech. It's not the first time it's happened and I don't usually give it much relevance, but now it seems pretty serious. What does that mean?
What?
Here you go. I haven't told anyone yet because it was all very pending, however... I was called to audition for a film with a role that wasn't really main, but not even marginal, and yesterday I was reading the script to prepare myself so I'm not-
REALLY? Wha-? Amy-? Why didn't you tell us? That's great! Bravo!
I get a genuine smile on my face because I'm really happy for her. It's weird to hear Amy talk about work and aspirations but it's obvious she's also looking for her place in the world. At least I hope so.
Yeah I know! If you keep smiling like that, probably your teeth will fall out and for a singer it's not the best.
Bitch!
I laugh a bit and realize how with a simple joke she has loosened the nervousness that I felt before. She's sure to make a career in the world of acting. She's quite a character.
After about 20 minutes I hear the car slow down and stop, noting that in the surroundings there is nothing that looks like the Dragonfly, no deafening music, no queues, nothing. We are on the coast of Santa Monica, everything is very quiet, it seems almost surreal. A few meters from us there is a place that overlooks the beach, those typical built with wooden planks to give a more characteristic appearance. I can't help but think about what these buildings were intended for in the past, what they saw, how many high tides they faced and how many sunsets they had the privilege of admiring. It's one of those places that looking at them, you can't help but imagine its history, they exude authenticity, and maybe even a bit of magic. There are several terraces and from the outside I can see how it is illuminated by a series of soft lights, like those used in the gardens between a tree and another to make the atmosphere as intimate as possible. Why are we here? Not that I'm sorry, it's a place that I prefer much more than Dragonfly, but I don't understand. The plan was about of night at the disco, Amy didn't stop to talk about this-
Yeah, Shortie, if you were wondering, I said a bullshit, no Dragonfly for tonight. Don't thank me, it wasn't my idea.
Why didn't you tell me right away that we were coming here?
It wouldn't have been the same, would it?
I turn to her as we walk towards the entrance of the place. No, it wouldn't have been the same. It almost scares me as much as she knows me, even though I'm sure there's someone else's hand behind it. Let's say they know how to surprise me, this time for real. I already feel more relaxed, although pubs and discos are my habitat, spending an evening by the sea with my usual friends is something I wouldn't change for the world.
At every step I take I hear the sound of my shoes' soles against the wooden planks of the club's porch. It's wonderful. If you listen you can find music everywhere. Even under your feet.
Evening, Miss Mitchell, could you give me your jacket?
As soon as I'm in front of the entrance door, I find a young girl, who is probably 17 years old at the most, with a kind smile on her face and her work uniform all in order and within range, almost as if she had just left the laundry.
No thanks, I'm fine.
I answer her with a smile and see how Amy has already headed to the terrace outside, without even waiting for me. The place isn't very full, in fact, there are only a few couples who are spending the evening there. The atmosphere is very soft, on the ceiling there are some fishing nets, in the corners there are lights in the shape of lanterns and there is a large bar counter with stools, typical for those who want to spend the night alone. On the other side of the room there is a large window that leads to the terrace, where I imagine there are also others. A bit of anxiety is felt again, I don't know why. Or rather I know, but I refuse to think about it.
Before passing through the stained-glass window I notice that on the left, there is a staircase leading to the lower floor and there is a small sign inlaid in the wood of the wall, with the appearance of the keys of a piano. Maybe I'll take a look at it later.
Here she is! That's our girrlll!
I see Stacie and CR approaching to greet me and after them, all the rest of the Bellas. I notice how Benji and Jesse are also present, who seems to have a flirt with Ashley? I'm not very update with the latest news, when they write on the Chat I just scroll without reading anything.
Beca, congratulations! I knew you'd make it!
It's strange to be so intensely hugged by one's ex, but, after broke up, I've always seen Jesse as the brother I never had, I love him and I suppose he thinks the same. In hindsight, we both realized that we couldn't work.
Thank you Jesse, I'm glad you're here.
In one corner there are also the Kids with Joe and Ester. They seem to have integrated well with the rest of the group, as Tom and Ducky do nothing but talk more than enthusiastically with Stacie and Emily.
Hey you, try to touch them with your finger and you're dead.
I address the guys trying to keep the expression as serious and intimidating as possible, making the gesture with two fingers pointing first at my eyes and then at them.
Yes, ma'am.
They immediately raise their hands as if they had been caught in the act and I can't help giggling. They are really odd.
Hi girls.
I greet Alex and Sam giving a kiss on the cheek to each of them, leaning from the back of the headboard of the sofa on which they are sitting. I hear Sam say something and keep talking to Ester and Alex, but even though I'm close to them I don't focus at all on what they're saying. My eyes wander all over the terrace, it's beautiful, the waiters come in and out to fill the trays of the small buffet set up on the other side, they all seem so happy and relaxed. My attention, however, is drawn by Jessica, on the sidelines in a corner, who seems to be talking to someone on the phone.
Yes, yes, don't worry. We're all here, yes. Okay, see you soon. Bye.
I didn't want to eavesdrop but I couldn't hold myself back. I'm almost sure who she was talking to, especially since she's not here. Or I'm just making useless castles in the air and it was probably just her mother, or a friend of hers, or someone who was worrying about her. I'm just an idiot.
However, I notice how Jessica is looking at me with a questioning air and a sincere smile on her face, perhaps she has realized that she feels stared by me. I shrug my shoulders and smile at her briefly and then head for the drinks corner where there is a little boy ready to serve all the customers.
Martini, please.
Your tastes have improved, I see. I taught you well.
I turn to Blake who signs the boy to move to give her the space to prepare the cocktail herself. The martinis she makes are not made by anyone. Amazing.
So what? The blonde is not there, did she have better things to do?
I guess.
I answer her by taking the glass that she brought me, not lifting my eyes from the edges, concentrating exclusively on the slight burning of the throat given by the first sip. If I had been at my house I would have drained the cocktail in a second, but I would like to keep a minimum of decorum, at least for now.
Worse for her, she doesn't know how many people would like to be here with you now, and she, who can, doesn't.
Probably because she doesn't want to, right?
I raise my eyes to immediately, because more idiot statement could not make by her. It's obvious why she's not here, she don't have to rub salt in the wound.
The fact that now thousands of peop-
Millions.
Millions of people, whatever it is, follow me and love me, it doesn't change anything between me and her. She certainly hasn't changed her mind about me. I was a mistake, I am, and maybe I will always be for her. So, Cheers.
I make my glass clash with her with a smile on my lips that will probably look like a grimace of sadness, seen from the outside, under her perplexed gaze. If until 1 minute ago I wanted to have the decency not to overdo from the very first moment, now it's just a distant memory. Just like the Martini in the glass I have in my hand, now empty.
Another one, please.
Yes ma'am.
The waiter, back in his place, immediately starts to prepare another one without waiting any longer.
Beca I don't think-
Sh.
I raise my right hand to stop her from talking. I don't want to hear anyone tell me what's best or worst for me. Because at the end of the day, nobody on this fucking terrace knows, neither do I, so it's just a waste of breath.
It's my free day, my party, my friends, they know me, you know me. No one is a stranger. I have the right to enjoy the event, don't you think?
I say to her looking her in the eyes with an almost apparent calm, the typical ones that herald a hurricane coming. I hate it when people say what I have to do. Especially in times like this, when although I'm happy to be here, with all of them, I always feel that something is missing. As if it were just a whole scene, nothing real.
What did you say? Reset, right? Yeah, I need to reset.
Okay girl, as you wish. But remember that thoughts can swim.
I see her walking away as she reaches Stacie and CR on the couch, who welcome her with incredible enthusiasm. I don't know how she likes everyone, maybe blondes with blue eyes have an extra gear. Who knows?
After about a couple of hours, several acceptance speeches that forced me to do, just to make me more embarrassed, and many more martinis drunk together with all the others, we are all a bit tipsy to be able to speak in a logical and sensible way. The customers of the place are almost all gone, we remain alone to make noise. Fortunately, there are no houses nearby, otherwise we would have been kicked out already.
The ocean breeze has cooled the night air a lot, a good excuse to get closer to each other to the center terrace to dance, since they have also added a background music to be able to entertain us. The only ones who preferred to sit comfortably on the sofas are Joe, Ester and Jessica, who, among other things, are the only ones who seem to have reserved a minimum of sanity, probably because they were destined to drive once they left here.
I can't help but think about what she's doing. How she is. She's definitely at her home with Chicago, having stupid conversations about her upcoming marriage. I wonder if things had gone well, maybe we would have gone that far too. I'm sure she'll be so beautiful that she'll take everyone breath away and even darken the sun. My chest already hurts just thinking that someone else will have the privilege of spending his entire lives with her. I was so stupid. After kissing her at my home I don't think she'll want to see me again, if she could have tolerated my presence before, now I'm not so sure. What was I thinking of doing? She's never going to choose me over Chicago, and I don't want to be labeled a family wrecker. I have enough labels on my shoulder already, I would like to avoid that too. Should I tell her that I love her? Probably. If you love someone you have to say it, yell it, but how could I do this to her? Chicago doesn't know anything about me, about us, I would ruin even the only thing she probably cares about most in the world. She's always dreamed of getting married, and I can't take that away from her either. I don't want to be the cause of her misery anymore. Perhaps some loves are destined to remain silent. Maybe not all need to be shouted from the rooftops, but they can be demonstrated with small things, with simple but difficult gestures. Like letting go. Who knows, maybe one day we'll go back to being friends, we'll go back to talking to each other without resentment, it will always be something instead of being nothing.
I move away from the railing on which I was leaning to observe the ocean, and head into the interior of the club. I want to see what's on the lower floor. Fortunately they are all very busy to notice my absence, so I have plenty of time to be able to be alone. Once I have passed the stained-glass window I descend the steps in the dark and arrive at the lower floor which, frankly, leaves me agape.
There are no walls, it's all open and it overlooks the beach. There are only the wooden supporting pillars of the entire structure at the 4 corners, with the linen curtains closed anchored to them with a rope, so as to provide a breathtaking view of the beach. There are no LEDs or lanterns, there is only natural light given by the moon reflected on the expanse of water. It's beautiful. And what makes it even more special, is the piano in the center of the room, shiny and well cared for, which you can not help but fall in love with as soon as you see it. As if it were issuing a call, like the mermaids for fishermen at sea, I automatically sit on the stool in front of the piano and caress the keys slightly. I learned to play by myself, I still remember the first time I had the opportunity to press these black and white keys, it was a stroke of lightning. I knew immediately that it would be my happy place in the darkness. Years ago I didn't have a penny to afford my own piano, I had the opportunity to play only when I was in the studio during my internship in New York, or at university in the auditorium where the Bellas rehearsed. It was a constant love, it never disappeared.
There's a calm I didn't think would belong in this world. The sound of the waves of the sea trying to slowly bind to the sand, then retreat and try again. The noise of the terrace can be heard, but it's far away, it almost seems that this place is soundproofed, even if it doesn't even have a wall. Probably it's the effect it has when someone comes down here, it completely breaks away from the rest and focuses exclusively on the natural symphony of the landscape.
She won't come, it's late now. Put your soul in peace Beca. It's just you, it won't change anything.
Did I disappoint you or let you down?
My fingers move on the keys by themselves, and my voice comes out feeble from my throat, as if I was afraid of heard myself. I certainly disappointed you, maybe I shouldn't have left. I should have kept fighting 2 years ago, maybe. I don't know anything anymore.
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
Many people looked at me sideways after everything that happened, without knowing anything. I felt guilty enough, I think I will never forgive myself for the pain I caused you.
Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
I've always been afraid it might end badly, but I've hoped every night that everything would work out for the best. I thought I would protect you, but all I did was hurting you.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
The nights we spend looking into our eyes, so close that we can't recognize our breath. Your smell on my skin, my hands on your waist. What I would give to go back to those moments.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
Always.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
My voice is no longer just a whisper, but it gets louder as the song continues. The fingers press the keys harder and harder, as if they wanted to leave the signs of their passage on them, as if to impress everything I'm feeling in the glossy wood of this piano.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
And I think I'll never stop being one. Damn it.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
Almost as if to underline the delicacy of these words, the melody becomes less and less strong, from the depth of a few moments ago, to the lightness of now.
Bye, my love.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
The air around me just fills with my voice and the almost imperceptible sound coming from the strings of the piano.
It hurts so much.
And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
It's the only place where I can have you as I wish.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
I wish I could tell you everything I feel for you and hope you feel the same. But it's just a dream.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
Beca...
You have been the one for me.
My fingers continue to move independently on the keyboard in order to finish the song, when I'm distracted by the pressure of a hand on my shoulder, making me snap and turn.
What the-
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you.
My eyes are wide open and my beats are very strong that I think if you concentrate enough you can feel the pulse distinctly. Is it a hallucination?
No, don't worry. You... When, uh.. When did you arrive? I didn't hear you.
I can't help but notice that her hand is still on my shoulder and that her eyes look even brighter than usual with this light. Why is she here? What a timing.
I... I arrived just now, upstairs they are very tipsy and did not know where you were. Then I heard the music coming from the staircase next to the window and I went down... And here I am. I... I'm sorry I bothered you. You seemed so focused...
Does it sound sad? Why is she sad?
It's okay... You... How long have you been there?
Not much... But for what I've heard and seen... It seemed quite deeply felt as a song.
I get a gloomy smile and shake my head standing up from the piano stool, sliding her hand from the place where it was placed. I head toward one of the wooden pillars, leaning with a shoulder to observe the movement of the sea. It is as black as the night, as bright as the stars, a spectacle you never tire of. Just like the person who is with me here, I would never tire of her.
Why are you here? I didn't think you'd come. Not after what happened.
I hear the sound of her slow, light steps, I could recognize her in a thousand. I don't think there's anything better to be able to recognize people who you love by their movements, by how they crunch the floor under their feet, by their breath. These are details that are imprinted in the memory, fragments of people who will always remain there. And every time you hear a sound, a noise or a smell that resembles what you know, inevitably the mind will present the image of your loved one in front of your eyes. But that's not the point, the problem arises when you're wrong, and what we thought we heard is not really what we expected.
Well... I know, but the fact that I told you that what happened should never happen again does not rule out the fact that I don't want to be here to celebrate your success...
Yeah, really?
I say it in a sarcastic tone of voice, because what just came out of her mouth seems to me to be bullshit. How can she stay so calm knowing clearly how I feel about her, and not putting herself in my shoes for a moment? God, can you want a person so much but at the same time want them to stay miles away? I don't know what hurts less.
Beca...
It seems almost supplicating, why? Does she feel guilty? Does she want to make amends? Did she realize that she's been treating me like shit all this time? What do you want from me?
We look at each other for endless moments, I feel the jaw clenching every second more to the nervous and the hands start to sweat. Why can't we just be happy together? Why do we have to do this to ourselves? And especially why she must always be so damn beautiful?
Stop looking at me like that.
Like what?
I don't know where she is going with this. I'm not looking at her in any way.
Like you want to kiss and yell at me at the same time.
I feel the salivation zero, and my eyes open wide slightly for her statement. How does she do it? Why does she do it? She can't keep doing this. The heart has decided to change position and end up in my throat, feeling its beat bounce like a drum in my chest.
Do you want it?
The tone of voice is low and deep, almost unrecognizable to my own ears. We are now in front of each other, we are no longer looking at the ocean and the stars, but it is they who are looking at us.
Being yelle-?
No.
With every moment that passes the distance shortens, we do not touch, we do not force to approach, it is our bodies that move by themselves, recognizing each other.
I thought I made myself clear.
Are you telling me or yourself?
Now more than talking, words come out like whispers, difficult to understand for anyone but me or her. I'm really exerting an unimaginable force of self-control, I can't take the first step. Not again. What happens next?
The seconds pass and our lips are almost touched, as are our hearts. She doesn't answer, she just lets her gaze wander over my entire face, no longer being able to concentrate only on my eyes. I wish I could move away, but it's impossible. It is as if there were a wall behind me that pushes me more and more towards her.
Who was the song dedicated to?
I get a slight smile because I expected everything but not this question. I don't know what exactly she wants, but now that I'm there, I can at least keep her on her toes a little.
To someone.
I notice how she's biting her lower lip, like she's impatient to know something. I wish I could be pulling and kissing those lips.
Me?
We're egocentric tonight, Beale.
Her lips open in a smile that could instantly melt me away. She's gorgeous, I don't think I'll ever get tired of repeating it. She is even more now with the silvery light of the moon reflecting in her eyes, and on her skin. She might look great in the sky, she's nothing less than the stars.
You are beautiful.
Before my brain could filter out what was about to come out of my mouth, these two words had already flown off my lips without me being able to stop them. Great Beca, make yourself an idiot.
I look down shamefully, thanking the dark atmosphere, because otherwise the redness on my cheeks would have been noticed in a moment. I feel her hand resting on my cheek, and without being able to do anything, her lips have rested on mine so lightly that make me shivering. I can't help but be involved by the kiss, feeling her taste mixed with mine, her lipstick scattered around my mouth. There is no need to deepen the kiss, it is slow, sweet, it almost seems as if it was necessary. But it can't be like that, no. Not in this way, not under these circumstances.
Wait Chlo.. Wait.
I tell slowly moving her away from me by placing a hand on her chest. I don't know with what willpower I did it, how I did it, but we can't go on like this. We just hurt ourselves, it just hurts me.
We remain equally close, I can smell her perfume and probably she also my own. We both look down, perhaps for fear of losing ourselves again in each other's eyes, and never stop kissing again.
You can't do that. You're getting married.
I know, I shouldn't... But..
I follow every mime movement, every wrinkle of expression, every groove on her skin. Her forehead is frowning, but not out of uncertainty, or doubt, perhaps because what she is thinking is probably strange to her too, especially if said out loud.
But what?
Why are you so inevitable to me?
My heart has been working too hard in the last few days, and by now I have lost track of the times when it has gone mad. And now it's one of them. As if they were magnets our looks have crossed to merge, I would prefer forever, but I know that one of the two must put in place the reality, and at the moment, it seems to be me that person.
Chloe... You can't tell me that, I.. You know how I feel about you, and every day I die because I'm not the person by your side... Please, stop...
How do you feel about me?
Is it time? Do I have to tell her? Really? Can it change anything? I don't know. Well, worse than that. Of course, maybe a little salivation would help in these cases.
I love you, Chloe. I've never stopped.
I don't realize I told her that. I could say that I've lost at least 10 kg by removing this weight from my soul. I told her. It's done. I told her once again of my love for her, I fucked myself.
A deafening silence falls, one of those who would prefer not to hear after saying 'I love you' to someone. She doesn't speak. What could you expect, Beca? You made yet another mistake. You're a lost cause now.
And you?
I don't think I've ever had a more insecure tone of voice than this, but I can't control anything of my body anymore. It went into automatic pilot, my mind no longer commands anything.
I.. I don't know.
Do you love Chicago?
I can't even describe how much such a question cost me, but I have to make it clear, I can't keep fighting a useless battle.
I think so.
She keeps looking away from me and squeezing her hands. She's clearly nervous, but she had to expect such a situation. I wish she was less confused. I hate monosyllabic answers, but I know that I couldn't get anything more right now.
Uh... To whom do you think you have stronger feelings then?
I don't want to give her the grilling, but if she can't clarify her ideas, someone has to do it, or at least try it. I would have much preferred that it wasn't me, but maybe this ungrateful work was probably meant for me from the beginning.
Beca I.. I don't know, maybe him... Maybe... you. I'm sorry.
Yeah..I know. I'm more sorry.
I take a step back and start going to the stairs with a slow pace and leaving soul fragments on the floor. It was supposed to be like this, some loves are not meant to be.
It had to be like this.
Beca?
I turn to the side with my head not raising my eyes, keeping it still on an indefinite point of the floor. Why do I always end up like this?
Would you do what you did again?
I raise my eyes and cross them with hers. The brightest. I probably have some tears that are already threatening to fall, but at the moment I don't even notice anymore. It's not worth it anymore.
Always.
