"You can summon dragons from the sky, and yet you still bought a super-yacht," Katara complained. Her driftwood raft trailed behind Zuko's personal luxury cruise liner.
"It was only what, two billion dollars? I make that much in a day," Zuko explained.
"Ugh, think about what you could do with all that money. How many starving peasants you could've fed," she scoffed. "Not that I believe that money should have any place in society."
"At least I could feed starving peasants if I felt like it, unlike those tyrants you worship."
"Watch your mouth, buddy! Those were all man-made famines!" Katara had just about given up reasoning with him. She was so very close to sending a massive wave to capsize the yacht, but something on the horizon caught her eye. "Hey, are those Water Tribe ships? What are they doing all the way out here?" she wondered.
Zuko peered over the edge of the balcony. Truly, Zuko and Katara were like an oceanic Romeo and Juliet, but if Romeo had been a communist dictator, Juliet had been an ancap, and they hated each other's guts.
"No, that looks more like a fleet of jet skis coming towards us in the shape of the anarchy symbol. Believe me, I get pretty good aerial views from all the way up here." He rolled some weed into a hundred dollar bill and started smoking it, and Katara suppressed a sigh.
Katara looked in the other direction — indeed, there was also a group of jet skis coming towards them, being ridden by a group of angry women with colorful hair. Azula's anarcho-communists. But she was out on the sea, in her element — she could take out this threat to her regime.
"Wait, wait, don't attack them, Katara," Zuko warned her. "The ocean is publicly owned. They're not violating the non-aggression principle unless they try to get on the yacht."
"I've had it with you and your precious non-aggression principle! Augh!" Katara sent a wave slicing through the jet skis, but the fleet split in two and maneuvered around her attack. She spun to the right to assess the Water Tribe fleet, surprised to see Sokka leading the charge and wearing a funny little cap that made him look like a police officer. (Self-consciously, she straightened out her ushanka hat.)
Creating ice walls on the surface of the ocean did nothing to stop the approaching forces. The anarchists burst through the barrier with the fiery rage of a thousand angry sjws (and the fiery rage of regular fire, seeing as their leader was a firebender); the Water Tribe fleet simply turned into u-boats and reemerged on the other side of the wall.
Realizing how outnumbered she was — again — Katara formed an ice path up the side of the boat and landed on the balcony with Zuko. "Go, go, let's get out of here!" she yelled. Zuko dropped his half-smoked joint as she crashed into him. "Let them destroy each other! We can just create an anarcho-capitalist society surrounded by a totalitarian government, which every few years, guillotines the richest one percent and redistributes their wealth equally among the people! Sound like a good compromise?"
"S-sure!" Zuko stammered, but before they could rush inside, a large furry animal with no obvious way to fly landed on the uppermost deck of the yacht.
"STOP FIGHTING!" Aang's plea echoed across the sea, and the anarchists and fascists halted at the mighty prepubescent voice of the avatar. "None of these are the right way! I'm here to bring balance! We need to create a society where everyone has rights—" He caught Sokka's murderous gaze. "—But not too many rights. And one where everyone is equal—" Sokka raised his boomerang, which had been modified to specifically seek out minorities. "But not too equal," Aang hurriedly added. "We have to create a status quo, and work to incorporate everyone into that society. Everyone can be crushed beneath the boot of… whatever economic system and societal norms we choose… no matter their race, or gender, or—"
"Fucking liberal," Sokka muttered. He yeeted an entire oven at Aang.
"Fucking liberal," Katara said, hurling a hammer and then a sickle.
"Fucking liberal," Zuko echoed. He lit a fat wad of cash on fire and threw it.
"Fucking liberal," Azula cursed, brandishing a two foot steel dildo as a weapon even though they could literally shoot lightning out of their hands. "Get him!"
"Enough!" cried a wise voice. An elderly man climbed down from aboard Appa's back. "Violence will not solve anything. What we must do is sit down and split up the Fire Nation into four different zones, and you can each rule over one. That's the simplest way to do it," Iroh advised them. Toph followed him down, her bare feet thudding onto the deck.
"Oh shit, Uncle, that's a good idea," Zuko remarked. "Why didn't I think of that?"
"Because you're stupid enough to believe that hard work makes you rich," Katara grumbled. It had only been a week, and her empire was already being dissolved! But it was the destiny of the communists to create one worldwide, stateless society! (Never mind that she'd never intended to relinquish any of her power to get towards the "stateless" part of that goal.)
"Oh, I don't believe that, it's just what I tell my slaves — er, I mean workers — to keep them in line," Zuko laughed. He pulled a champagne bottle out of his ass. "Cheers to a new era?"
Katara narrowed her eyes and slapped the drink out of his hand. "I only drink vodka. Pussy."
"Toph, you may do the honors," Iroh instructed.
Toph raised a slab of earth from the ocean floor bearing a perfect map of her proposed borders even though she had no idea what the fuck anything looked like. "Gather 'round, sluts," she said. "What do you think?"
Indeed, the four leaders tentatively gathered 'round, climbing down from their vessels to closer inspect the map. "I don't know about this solution. What about all the people who are forced to move out of their ancestral homelands because they want to live in the only area that's not filled with degenerates?" Sokka asked.
"You're in no position to argue, young chieftain. You're the only one here who doesn't have any real claim to power," Iroh silenced him with his unearthly wisdom.
"You'd just send all the firebenders to concentration camps anyway," Azula hissed.
"It's not any worse than gulags!" he growled. "And after what you did to us—"
"Hey, calm down now, I thought we decided that harming noncombatants, even if they're Fire Nation, was a bad idea in, like, season one," Aang said.
"Shut up, liberal," Katara barked.
"I see a lot of potential for border conflict," Zuko remarked, examining the map. (At this, Toph made an obligatory blind joke about not being able to see anything.) "Maybe we should sign a non-aggression pact of some kind once we've decided on the territories," he suggested.
They all turned to look at Sokka.
"What, you think I'd just invade another country totally unprovoked?" he laughed nervously. "Especially after signing a non-aggression pact? Why don't we talk about border control instead?"
"I say we give the fascist state back to my father, not this filthy colonizer," Azula said. "That will at least give those brainwashed old regime supporters a place to live so the rest of us won't have to deal with them." They took a fat bong rip and passed it to Zuko, who passed it to Ursa, who may or may not have been a shared hallucination. "And if he tries to aggress again, we can simply team up on him." The wild pack of lesbians revved their engines, thirsty for fascist blood.
"Opposing diversity isn't very anarcho-communist of you," Sokka pointed out.
"SILENCE, NAZI." Azula shot lasers from their eyes, and the standoff devolved into chaos. Lesbians on jet skis flung molotovs and set fire to the Water Tribe boats, fascists swarmed aboard the super-yacht, Katara furiously sent anyone who approached her down a whirlpool, and Zuko retreated to the gun room of his yacht.
Aang swung by and grabbed Toph from the map in the middle of the ocean. "Oh well," she commented, shrugging and putting her feet up in Appa's saddle. "It was worth a try. It'll be interesting to find out who wins. My money's on Katara."
Iroh t-posed in the middle of the battlefield, levitating menacingly. Time slowed around him. He really hated to invoke his god-powers, but things were getting ridiculous. "Why can't I just run my fuckin' tea shop in peace?" he sighed quietly, then with a roar, he announced, "I DECLARE THE FIRE NATION TO BE A CAPITALIST-COMMUNIST ANARCHO-FASCIST STATE. AND I WILL BE LEADER."
The fighting stopped. "Dude, all right, sounds good to me." Zuko tossed aside the fifteen guns he'd brought out of his gun room.
"I mean… I guess that could work…" Sokka agreed tentatively.
"Yes, yes, but those words mean nothing all slammed together… or do they? What is the philosophy behind 'capitalist-communist anarcho-fascism?'" Azula put forth.
"Doesn't that just cancel out to… centrism?" Katara wrinkled her nose in disgust.
"I haven't figured it out yet, but you'll all be on my cabinet," Iroh said. "Now, why don't we all go back to the palace to work things out and watch some anime?"
"Oh, sweet," Sokka said, jumping with glee.
"Fuck yeah," Katara agreed.
"Awesome," Zuko said.
"Great," Azula echoed.
"See?" Iroh smiled. "We've already found common ground. Getting along might be easier than you think."
AN: Well that's all for the political compass saga. Might do more with the stoner ursa/steve the palace guard/political compass timeline in the future but I think that's the end of this particular story thread. Remember, I take requests ;)
