"You arrive just in time"
"You arrive just in time, now I am sure"
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If he questioned perfection, he wouldn't find it in the name of Yukina Kou. A name with the air of a prince, just like the person who wore it.
Onodera didn't doubt the qualities that made up the boy, much less say that he was an idiot, if the idiot was himself. He assumed that Yukina was treating him as an idiot, but that was not how things happened; his words, in that case, were respectful because they took into account his opinion about what was happening between them.
However, he erroneously ruled out any possibility that something might arise between them, although in fact something was happening. Perhaps something so wonderful that it caused him so much fear to face because it was so delicate and beautiful in his hands that at the first push it would break into a thousand pieces of irreparable nature.
Onodera's fear was confusing, not in relation to Yukina (he had nothing to do with his emotional turmoil), but to his past experience, which was what kept him from wanting to move on.
Simply put, keep trying.
He didn't know how things happened, but they just happened, and they led to a series of outcomes that had to strengthen the relationship, leaning his feelings towards the boy. Feelings that although he denied at first, continued to grow and would not stop growing because they began to encompass infinite clarifications.
Those feelings saddened him because he put an end to his growth, for acting like a complete idiot; the worst of all.
He would not deny admitting that when he arrived at his apartment that afternoon he fell to the ground on his knees, crying bitterly at his stupidity because of his cowardice.
He cried for something that hadn't even started, because he put an end to it.
Two weeks had passed since that incident and Onodera continued in his modern and youthful outfits, working long working hours with the intention that the new volume of Mutou-sensei would be published soon.
Takano abandoned his pursuit behind him, limiting himself to treating him like just another employee in the office, refraining only from telling him his mistakes and some objective comments regarding the work he did.
Despite keeping himself busy so as not to think about his mistake, the pain and sadness consumed him bitterly, they consumed his smile that was just beginning to appear on his grumpy face.
His body was working perfectly, but his mind was disconnected from reality.
Everything seemed dark, slow, lonely, scary, the worst that Onodera could imagine, since he, the cause of his sadness, knew deep down that he needed to recover what so many joys were beginning to give him.
He knew it, but he didn't dare to take the first step.
"Onodera" Takano sent for him in the office, removing him from his musings. He stood up and went to where his boss was.
"Yes?" He spoke, looking at the ground with broad sadness.
"Your work has been very good" He flattered, adjusting his glasses in an authoritative pose.
Onodera gave him a weak smile, nodding at the compliment.
"Thank you"
"Onodera." Takano leaned in his direction a little. "I've seen recently that you've been down at work, and also when you leave your apartment." This made Onodera look up from the floor in a panic. "I don't want to know the reason, but I want you to know that if it's something that can be solved, do it" He clarified, making a sideways grimace. "The things you said to me in the boardroom at first surprised me, but I won't deny that they made me realize how much I was hurting you and maybe out of respect you weren't telling me." He took a deep breath. "I thank you for opening my eyes"
"Takano-san" Onodera mentioned moved.
"That's why I am trying to help you, telling you to solve what so much sadness you have been having" He said calmly. "And if what you have to solve will give you the happiness that I couldn't give you myself, go ahead, I will let you out before eight"
Onodera blinked in surprise, opening his mouth without saying a word.
He simply nodded, genuinely smiling.
"Thanks, Takano-san," he said motivated.
"That's the Onodera that I haven't seen in these two weeks," Takano commented in a mocking air. "You looked like a living corpse with that tramp façade—"
Onodera indignant, hit him on the head.
"Hey what's wrong?" He claimed growling at her, grinding her teeth.
"What are you waiting for?" "Hurry to work," he ordered, rubbing his head. "Don't make me regret the benefit I just gave you"
Onodera clicked his tongue, rolling his eyes in annoyance.
"Uh-huh." He went to his seat to continue his activities.
He left at half past seven in the afternoon, grumbling because it was not much of a difference from having left before the rest, although he reiterated that it was beneficial for him not to run into Yokozawa, with whom he always got along badly.
He headed for the Marimo bookstore, the feeling of nerves fluttering in his stomach non-stop.
How annoying it was to feel unable to function, but above all, unable to know that he had not seen Yukina.
He needed the certainty that things would take their course and flow in time and form, without him or anyone else taking part in that course.
He should arrive just in time to tell him the things his presence caused in him, or his image appearing in his head all the time, to tell him how eagerly he had the urge to hold his hand, how eagerly he kept his comments and his hobbies, how eagerly he kept his precious comments and repeated them in his mind before sleeping, with all the wishes he kept from being able to hug him and tell him how much his smile gave him all the happiness he lacked.
To tell him that he needed him because he loved him.
When he was in front of the Marimo bookstore, his mind went blank, since nervousness and palpitations made him ponder more than he should.
He was surprised at the amount of thoughts that forced him to enter, to move his feet forward, to have his hand push the door and make his way inside the bookstore; What surprised him the most was that he did exactly the same thing that his mind told him so hard.
He entered the bookstore with his heart on the tip of his tongue, his eyes clear with fear of not daring to be honest with Yukina.
But the fear was bigger than anything else at the time, and he hid in the hallway of the youth novel section. He took a deep breath and told himself that he couldn't flinch without a fight.
Just when he was in the mood to go looking for him, he found him on the other side of the hallway in the company of a coworker. They were chatting as Yukina helped him put the books up high because his partner was shorter than him.
His heart contracted as soon as he saw him, and he was breathless.
"Hey, Yukina" Said his immature-looking fellow with curly brown hair.
"Yes?" He nodded, cleaning the shelf before putting the book in the right place.
"I haven't seen you as happy as you usually are" He said puzzled. "Does it have something to do with that person?" He emphasized "that person," lighting alarm lights on Onodera's head, who laid his ear on the shelf, ready to listen to Yukina's response.
Who was that person?
He heard him sigh, having placed the book on the spot.
"You know me well" He exteriorized dejectedly, chuckling.
"I'm worried about seeing you like this" He admitted, handing his the other book. "You are not like that, Yukina"
"Okay." He took the book and placed it next to the previous one.
"No, it's not right" He insisted annoyed; Onodera brought his ear closer to it, heartbeats echoing to the nape of his neck. "Two weeks ago you kept saying you were doing well with him, and now you hardly speak." He gave him the other book, after dusting it off.
Yukina sighed dejectedly, and when he reached up to put the book on the shelf, Onodera caught a glimpse of his expression and he looked sad, just like him.
He furrowed his eyebrows.
"I know you like that employee" His colleague continued. "The one with the frown, the one with the green eyes; let me tell you that it seems that this man has had more experiences than you, I am not saying it because I asked him, I am saying it because that seems in his unfavorable aspect" Onodera's chest contracted, lashing out that his heart was tightening and accelerating to huge rhythms. Who was Yukina's partner referring to? Who? He was urgent to know. "And you have dated girls, but you are not past the first date"
Yukina silenced him with his hand.
"Let me finish" His colleague reproached.
"I understand your point" Yukina said.
"You haven't even had your first kiss" His colleague snapped. "How do you expect that relationship to work?"
Yukina hasn't had his first kiss? But, but ... Onodera was really confused, puzzled, relieved, etc. A mixture of mixed feelings sprouting out of time.
"I hope it works because I want it" He confessed snubbed. "From the second my eyes saw him, it was love at first sight, I don't doubt it because he shook me completely, nothing of such magnitude had ever happened to me in my life and I don't regret having approached him" He explained. "I hope it works because I will be honest with him, I will share my things and my triumphs, I will take him to the places where he wants to go, I will respect him and I will always go according to his pace"
"That's stupid," his partner complained, snorting.
"It's not stupid" Yukina continued. "I may not have had my first kiss, but I will do my best to make him happy, I don't care how long it takes me or the obstacles I must face, as long as I have a bit of his smile, I will be happy"
"Yukina, stop fantasizing." He held out the book, shaking his head. "Someone with your ideals is difficult to find"
"But I already found him" Yukina said, smiling hopefully.
At that, Onodera's sight darkened with tears accumulating in his eyes, seeing Yukina express his ideals, which he shared with him two weeks ago.
"But he treated you badly, and he ran away" His colleague said in bewilderment.
"I know" He stated with a slight nod.
"And what are you going to do?" He said it as if he wanted to cheer him up, but it had no effect on Yukina's crestfallen gesture.
"I don't know" He confessed with a sigh. "But that is not why I must bury these feelings, because they are special and they will continue to grow; you may not understand me, but once you meet that person, there is no way to forget that feeling that causes you, and you get to the conclusion that you need him because you love him" He smiled weakly, even though his words were strong. "I don't know what comes next, nor do I know if I will see him again, but although I feel this emptiness for not having told him my feelings and for allowing him to escape from my hands, I will continue to feel the same for him" He said hopefully. "You know, I've always been a romantic, a lover of ballads and poems, and perhaps it was because they called my attention with how much passion and forcefulness those intense feelings expressed through words, and maybe I was typecast in that area, not knowing why I loved ballads so much' He paused briefly. "But, as soon as our eyes met that time, everything made sense, the reason why I sang every Friday at seven in the afternoon in the park was because there I would find the reason why I loved romanticism as such"
"Yukina, that sounds corny" His partner said with a pitiful face.
"He is the reason for everything," he concluded fervently. "He is the person to whom I always dedicated ballads without even knowing him, and since we met, he became the fruit of my affection, the expression of love that fills my soul" His eyes lit up when he said it, but soon they faded into bitterness.
"I have nothing more to tell you" His colleague said, uncomfortable. "More than wishing you luck and if it fails, don't think I'll offer you consolation scarves" He warned, chuckling in a mocking air.
"I can only feed these feelings with my sorrows" Yukina confessed, heartless.
Onodera paled, enraptured by the words of Yukina, who so passionately expressed about that love he felt within, that love for which he wanted so much to express freely.
He didn't know if he arrived on time, or if he simply had to surrender, however, he referred to stay there, making up some excuse to be able to approach Yukina and from there tell him everything.
But the thinking time was short, because Yukina's footsteps brought him out of his thoughts, sounding like echoes in the hallway, approaching him.
He froze as he realized that Yukina was heading to his hallway.
"Can I help you with something?" His voice, his sweet voice had spoken to him. He turned and his eyes met in a span. "Onodera..." Yukina's eyes widened in complete surprise, gaping. "What-what are you doing here? Looking for another book?" Onodera reacted, moving the fingers of his hands to encourage himself to speak.
Yukina's crestfallen appearance was the trigger for him to gain courage and with a couple of steps forward, he dared to say:
"When will your shift end?"
He heard him breathe in amazement, fearful, as if without knowing the reason for his visit.
"In fifteen minutes" He replied without hiding fear and sadness in a single gesture.
"I'll wait for you outside" Onodera reported seriously. "I need to talk with you"
"Okay." He swallowed hard.
Onodera just hoped he had arrived on time.
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P.S. (Mention to the song "Pulsar" by Gustavo Cerati
