Chapter 21 – Fifty-Eight Days
"Everyone's teeth have been cleaned, but Bram and Zeke will need new diapers before bed," I tell Carlisle. "I just gave Holly a bottle so she shouldn't need another one for a while, but whenever she seems hungry go ahead and feed her and put her down for the night…" I break off, noticing his amused smile. "What?"
"We have baby-sat for you before," Carlisle points out. "Just once or twice."
I laugh a little foolishly. Since Rosalie died Carlisle and Esme have practically been raising my kids right alongside me. But tonight Alice is dragging me out because it's her last night before she and Jasper return to New York, and somehow leaving the kids like this feels different.
"We'll be fine," Carlisle assures me, holding his hands out for Holly. "Won't we, little one?" He kisses her nose and Holly opens her mouth wide in a dimpled smile.
"They'll be fine," Alice echoes, appearing at my side. "Go and get dressed."
"We're just going to the bar," I say.
"Yes, and you're not going wearing that," Alice says imperiously, eyeing my ratty jeans and t-shirt marked with baby spit up with disgust. "Want me to pick something out for you?"
"No! I'm a grown ass adult and can probably handle picking out a pair of pants and a shirt!"
I go back to my room and wrench open the closet door. Doing my best to ignore Rosalie's side I grab a pair of dark jeans and a shirt and dress quickly. It's not exactly formal wear, but after weeks of wearing unwashed jeans and crappy old sweatpants it feels almost uncomfortable, and for a moment I wish I hadn't agreed to go out. Staying home with a cold beer and a bag of chips to watch Power Rangers with my kids might not be exciting, but it's safe and easy and right now that appeals.
Alice is insistent though, and I promised I would go. So I kiss the kids goodbye and admonish them to behave, then grab a coat and head out with Alice and Jasper to meet Edward and Bella.
I like our local bar. It's a laid back kind of place, with comfortable seating, good food, a big screen tv and pool tables, and a beer garden for when the weather's good. It gets busy on Saturdays when they have live music, but the rest of the week it tends to be quieter and more casual. Rosalie was a pool shark from way back, and she and I used to go pretty regularly before we had kids, spending many relaxed hours here with Edward and Bella and other friends. It happens less often since the kids came along, but it's always been an easy and convenient night out when we had a babysitter. The memories rise up as I enter, and I swallow hard and try to force them away. All I want is a relaxing night…I wonder dully how long it will be before I can do anything without being tormented by memories and feelings of loss.
Tonight won't be that night. Not when Edward and Bella are already there when we walk in, setting up a game of pool for which I don't have a partner.
"I'll sit this one out," Bella says hastily, apparently reading my mind. She offers me her cue. "Edward would rather have you as a teammate anyway!"
"No, it's fine, I'll get the first round…" I make a step towards the bar, and Bella nearly whacks me in the ribs with the cue.
"No, you play! I'll get drinks."
"Come on Emmett, I'll let you break," Alice says, chalking her cue and smiling at me mischievously. "I've been practising; I bet I can win now."
Now that Rosalie isn't here to whip everyone's ass, I finish silently. But I put on my game face and grin back, taking the cue Bella's shoved into my hands even though I know she will have picked the hopeless crooked one. "Just go ahead and try Monkey-face."
The night does get easier. We play a couple of games of pool and then snag a table and order some food, sharing pizza and wings while the band warms up. The crowd picks up once they start playing, and my trips to the bar for refills take longer as I'm waylaid by friends and acquaintances I haven't seen in weeks. I meet a lot of people in my line of work and I tend to enjoy catching up with clients and networking for more, and this is a popular local hangout. The people I run into who know what's been going on in my life buy me drinks, and the people who don't know talk to me without the kid glove treatment, and I'm not sure which I appreciate more.
"Here you go." I deposit the tray of drinks I've just bought on the table and fall into my chair.
"Thanks." Alice takes a beer and says lightly, "I was wondering if you were going to come back to us, or if you'd found someone more interesting to hang out with."
"Just ran into a few people I know from work," I shrug. "Nothing that interesting."
Alice laughs. "Really? I think that woman you were talking to while you were waiting at the bar would be quite disappointed to hear you say that…you do realise that she was totally hitting on you?"
I nearly choke on my beer. "What? No, she's just someone I've tattooed a couple of times. She's thinking of adding to the chest piece and was asking me about it. There wasn't anything more to it than that." I look around the table. Edward seems as confused as me, but Jasper and Bella are both hiding smiles.
"Are you blind?" Alice asks theatrically. "I mean, maybe it's been a while since anyone tried to pick you up in a bar, but that was pretty obvious! Considering her shirt is already low-cut enough that I can see the chest tattoo clear as day from across the room without even trying, pulling it down even further to flash you half her boobs probably wasn't strictly relevant to the conversation at hand!"
"You're full of shit," I mutter. "Who cares anyway?"
"Oh, I am not! I am totally right about this!" Alice smirks. "That woman is absolutely keen on you, and while I'm not saying you have to do anything about that, I am saying that if you wanted to…well, Mom and Dad are babysitting and no one is going to judge you if…"
I shake my head and raise my glass, glaring at her over the rim. "Do you mind? Maybe you've forgotten that I'm actually married?"
The smile falls from Alice's face, and she leans towards me and says softly, "I know. But…she's gone, Em. And you're still here."
"Fucking hell!" I slam the glass back down onto the table, hard enough that what little beer is left sloshes out over my hand. "Are you serious? You think I'm going to…what? Forget about Rosalie and just go out and fuck some random woman? Now? You're telling me to do that?"
Alice bites her lip. "I'm not telling you to do anything," she says. "And I would never expect you to forget about Rosalie. That's never going to happen. But you are going to have to make a life without her, and it isn't any kind of betrayal or awful thing if you want to let go for one night and hook up with someone else."
"I can't even…" The blood is rushing in my ears. "Fifty-eight days. That's how long it's been. Fifty-eight days since she died. Fifty-nine days since I had sex, since you're so concerned…and you think that's long enough? Jesus…" I glance over at Jasper. "There you go Jas. How do you feel about that? You die, and she'll wait fifty-eight days before she goes out hunting for some dick."
Bella and Edward look like they'd rather be anywhere else but here, but Jasper just looks back at me steadily. "She didn't mean it like that."
The pressure in my chest is making it hard to breathe. "Well that's what it fucking sounded like. And I'm sorry if my grief here is…inconvenient…or a downer for you, but I'm not…fuck this." I push away from the table and weave my way through the crowd, heading towards the bathroom.
I wash the spilled beer off my hands and splash water on my face, realising when I look up and catch Edward's eye in the mirror that he's followed me.
"Are you okay?" He pulls a piece of paper towel from the dispenser and hands it to me.
"Not really." I dry my hands and rub the towel over my face.
"Alice didn't mean to upset you. She didn't mean to put pressure on you to do anything you're not ready to do," Edward says. "No one wants that. She jumped the gun here, it's too soon, but she just wanted to let you know that she – that all of us – would understand if you were to meet someone. No one is expecting you to forget about Rosalie and no one is saying you have to be out there dating and looking for a new wife already…but no one is expecting you to live like a monk, either." He gives me a half embarrassed smile. "I know this whole conversation is awkward, but we just want you to know that we love you and want you to be happy, and we wouldn't judge you if you decided that living a life of celibacy isn't for you."
I laugh raggedly. "I wish I could," I say, the alcohol lowering my inhibitions and making me reckless with my words. "Damn Edward, it's been fifty-nine days and this is the longest I've ever gone without sex since the first time I did it…but right now I can't even get hard without thinking about death, and those goddamned nightmares I keep having of fucking her corpse, and that just wipes out any desire at all. I mean, every time I think about sex I think about Rosalie, and that having sex made her pregnant and being pregnant eventually killed her…" My voice cracks.
"Oh Em, I'm sorry," Edward says compassionately. "You know it wasn't your fault in any way…"
"Yeah well, whatever…but sex is not even on my list right now," I say wearily. "I accept that Alice meant well tonight, but…it's not happening."
"It probably wasn't the most tactful way to bring the subject up," Edward says. "But you know she really has your best interests at heart."
I know she does, so while Edward goes back to our table I take a detour by the bar and ask Nick the bartender to whip me up a couple of cocktails. "I don't care what's in it, but it needs to look pretty and have a paper umbrella and to basically scream out 'I'm sorry' please," I direct him.
Nick laughs and does what I ask, giving me what's left in the shaker after he pours the two glasses. I throw it back, practically going cross-eyed at the sweetness of whatever liqueur he's mixed, and give him the thumbs up and the remaining contents of my wallet.
"Enjoy!" I say to Alice, putting the glass down in front of her with a flourish that slops it over the rim onto my hand. "Nick made it special. I got one for you too, Bells." I slide hers over and then lick my hand.
"Oh thanks, that's…thanks," Bella says awkwardly. "I've had enough though, so maybe you should just have it?"
She shoots a quick glance at Edward, and suddenly the night that wasn't that good to begin with gets worse. Because it's not like Bella to turn down fruity cocktails with paper umbrellas, and I realise that she hasn't drunk anything all night. And now that I'm thinking about it she skipped the wine at Christmas too which, in Bella's case, can only mean one thing.
"You're pregnant," I say flatly.
Bella hesitates, and then nods. "Yes."
I should be happy for them. I should give back the same generous love and support I have always received from them, because this is good news and they deserve nothing less. But the words cut like a knife, and the emotions that rise up are black. Sick jealousy over what they have and I no longer do, rage over what I've lost, and hopeless fury that the world dares to keep on spinning and people keep moving on when I can't.
"Well isn't that something," I say bitterly. "Congratulations. Good luck with it…here's hoping you don't die too." I toss back the cocktail, half gagging, and even though I hate myself for letting my mouth run like I did I don't say sorry when Edward gets up and leaves the table, Bella hurrying after him.
"Oh Emmett," Alice says in despair. "Why do you have to be such an asshole?"
"Why?" I say aggressively. "After everything…you ask why?"
"Oh, I know why!" Alice says, glaring at me even as her eyes glimmer with tears. "We all know why! And god yes, what happened to Rosalie was horrible and we know how much you're hurting, but…you can't keep going on like this! Just because you're miserable doesn't mean the whole world revolves around you! You're being an asshole to the people who care about you, you're turning into a mean drunk…and if Rosalie was here, she would be furious with you."
I get up and walk out. I can't listen to her. I can't hear another word over the frenzied rage that's making my heart pound and my palms sweat. I hate her for what she said, but just as much I hate myself for driving her to the point of saying it.
Because she's right. Rosalie, if she could see me from wherever she is…Rosalie would be livid.
"Emmett! You're home earlier than we expected!" Carlisle says, looking a little sheepish as he straightens up from where he and Esme have been snuggled up together on the sofa.
"I walked home." I flop down into the recliner. "Alice and Jasper will come back later."
Esme pats Carlisle's thigh and leans towards me, her brow creased in concern. "Are you okay?"
The hollow feeling inside me grows. Seeing her and Carlisle together, after an evening of watching Edward and Bella, and Alice and Jasper…it hurts. After growing up surrounded by dysfunctional relationships in my childhood, I am very conscious of the good relationships I see around me now. Relationships that are unselfish and helpful and strong, rich in the kind of boundless love that brings out the best in people – the kind of relationship that I built with Rosalie and based my life around. But now that she's gone, seeing them all together, so strong and cosy and together…it makes me feel tired, and sad, and very, very alone.
"it was a shitty night," I say flatly. "I found out Bella is pregnant."
I can tell by the way they look at each other that this is not news to them. It occurs to me that Alice and Jasper had reacted with no surprise either. "I guess everyone knew except me then."
"Edward and Bella weren't sure how to tell you," Esme says. "They know you're having a hard time, and they thought a pregnancy might be difficult for you."
"It was just a…surprise," I say at last. "I mean, I suppose not really – I know they didn't intend for Eliza to be an only child and she's three now, it's a normal kind of timeline…they're great parents; I know it's going to be great. Eliza is so good with Holly, she's going to love being a big sister…I'm happy for them…I know what happened to Rosalie won't…well, Bella's going to be fine. It's going to be great…"
I force myself to stop rambling. Everything I said is true, but even when I want to be happy for my brother and his family, all I really feel is heartache.
I hate that the world is going on without you, Rosa-girl. How can people be living a normal life when my whole world's gone dark?
"Have you thought any more about grief counselling?" Carlisle says delicately. "Now that the initial trauma is over and we're into the next phase?"
"The kids are all seeing someone…"
Carlisle shakes his head. "Not the children. You." He eyes me keenly. "We can see how hard this is for you, and it might help."
"What IS this?" I say in frustration. "Why do you all think I should just be over it? Alice tried to tell me tonight I should be going out and having casual sex! I didn't realise there was a time limit on how long I'm allowed to feel like shit after my wife dies!"
"There's no time limit on grief," Carlisle says. "And no one thinks you should be over anything, or back to normal…because there is no 'back' to normal. You need to find a whole new normal, and that's hard. Really hard. And there's no shame in needing some outside help to do that."
"I just wish you'd all fucking well leave me alone to deal with this in my own way," I say hotly, breaking off when I hear soft footsteps coming down the stairs.
"Daddy?" Noah hovers in the doorway, clutching his Banky and looking at me uncertainly.
I hold out my arms. "Come here, bud." He climbs onto my lap and I wrap my arms around him, resting my cheek against the silky softness of his hair. "How are you doing?"
"I had another bad dream," he murmurs. He snuggles closer, holding his blanket up by his face. "Can I sleep with you?"
"Sure, if you want to." I look over at Carlisle and Esme. "Thanks for babysitting tonight, I really appreciate it."
They both still look a little troubled, but they start gathering up their things and moving towards the door. "Holly had her last feed and we put her in bed about half an hour ago," Esme tells me. "The others all went to bed at their regular times, and they were no trouble." She strokes Noah's hair and kisses his forehead and then mine. "Goodnight sweetie."
Once they leave I carry Noah into my room and deposit him gently onto the bed. "I'm just going to the bathroom," I whisper, not wanting to wake Holly who is asleep in the bassinet. I change into my pyjamas and clean my teeth, and then slide into bed.
Noah curls up against me with his head on my shoulder. I always keep a nightlight on so I can see to deal with Holly, and his eyes are like dark shadows in the dim light. "I dreamed that I couldn't find you."
I tighten my arm around him. "I'll never let you get lost."
"I love you Daddy."
"I love you too, Noah." I turn my head and kiss his soft hair, and at least for now, the bed doesn't feel so big and lonely.
A/N – Hi everyone. Hope you're all staying safe and well, and managing as best you can in these crazy times we're living through!
I just felt like I wanted to give something of a disclaimer on this chapter, even if it's silly – but it really doesn't show either Emmett or Alice at their best, and I want you to go easy on them, lol. Alice is being pushy and way over stepping here, but her heart is in the right place even if her execution is poor. And Emmett reacted badly, but he's still struggling. I do promise that we are heading towards a brighter future though!
Wishing you all a safe and happy Easter, safe at home!
