Dear Dad,
I don't get what Mom is always so upset about. So I talk about the Underland. What else does she expect me to talk about? It's only where the best and worst parts of my entire life took place. It's where Luxa is. I know I'm not supposed to even mention her name, but not saying her name is like cutting off my arm.
And I AM trying at school, no matter how bad my grades are. Ok, I'm mostly trying not to hurt anybody at school, but you'd think she would at least be grateful for that.
How can she not get that I'm the Warrior? She doesn't like killing. Neither do I. But I can't pretend that I haven't killed anybody before now. I have. I've killed lots of rats who would have rather killed me than sneeze. I killed the Bane. If I hadn't, then he would have killed me too. He gave it a really good shot. You saw me in the hospital in Regalia. It was bad. It took so long for me to get better because it was so bad. I'm not making that up. I'm not making him up either. I wish I was. He was really 12 feet tall. He was solid muscle. He hated me. Ares would still be alive if it wasn't for the Bane. How can she ask me to just forget about my own bond like that? Ares flew me in closer to the Bane like I asked in that last fight. He probably knew what would happen if he did. But he did it anyway. Just because I asked. That's something I will NEVER forget.
And she wants me to think that Luxa is just some figment of my imagination that will go away? That she's just some young school boy crush? I'm not a boy! Even if I am only 12 - almost 13. Luxa is - Luxa. She's the reason for - for everything! She's - I can't put it into words without it sounding mushy and dumb. So I guess I'll have to sound mushy and dumb. I love her. And even though Mom says I'm too young to love anybody, I can't just turn off my feelings because she says so. I don't want to anyway. I'm not ashamed of her, or of loving her.
I didn't expect to survive that last battle, so I didn't expect to have to deal with this, so I didn't spend any time thinking about what I would do if this happened. I was more worried about what Sandwich said in his Prophecy of Time about me dying. I HAD to keep that from Lizzie and Boots so they wouldn't worry about it unless it really happened. I felt bad just thinking of all of you having to deal with that, but I couldn't think about that just like I couldn't think about Luxa having to deal with it. I'm glad none of you have to, but that's the point. I'm starting to think that it would have been easier on everybody if I just died when I was supposed to. You could deal with me dying instead of me not being what you want me to be. It's really - what's that word? Mr. Avery was talking about it in English just last week. Ironic, that's it. It's ironic that whenever I was in the Underland last year, I wanted a parent around to make all the hard decisions I had to make. Now, I'm used to making my own decisions because I've spent so long having to make them that I can't unmake that part of me. You once said that I'd have to get used to having parents around again, but if it means forgetting all about the Underland like Mom says I have to, then I don't want parents.
Gregor
