Hey, felt the urge to continue this.

Hopefully I will finish and do it justice.


Chapter 11
The Search

Then comes the blur.

Its strange how one can be so concentrated, and then suddenly, absent. This was what she was struggling with presently. Gail knew it was the news of her father's ill health, and the way her mother went into immediate overload which caused her to shut down.

It wasn't like it was a couple hours, either. It dragged out across the day, and then into days, until she found herself waking up from her slumber on the eve of her father's funeral.

She had wished to go back to work, to do something with her time, anything but have it elude her this way, but everyone kept telling her to go through the motions, feel it all, experience the grief, yada yada.

She wasn't asking for their advice, she wanted to be useful. It seemed unfair somehow, as her mother continued as she were, going around doing her work, even going into the precinct and acting like the most important man in their lives weren't gone. Heck, if anybody should be taking time out to grieve it should be Elaine.

But alas, here she awoke, yet again, in sweats and feeling dreary.

Holly had been a constant without any pressure, which was nice. She knew certain things needed to be discussed and aired completely, but now wasn't the time. Instead, Holly was proving to be instrumental in all the ways which matter most — she really was amazing in how she operated without exception. She just wanted to be around, and as time went on, it didn't feel suffocating like it did in the beginning, it felt calming.

She was a fixture now, one she was fast learning she could not live without, which scared her more than not admitting it.

"Hey you." Her eyes look up to see Holly enter the bedroom clutching two mugs.

"Hey." She leans against the bed frame, watching as Holly kicks the door softly behind her before making her way to the bed. It's effortless and wonderful and she's so very enchanted by her gracious ways.

"Mm, thanks." She accepts the steaming mug and musters a small smile, her eyes coming to fall on to the wall opposite, a sudden frown appearing.

"Yeah, my mom was right about that wall, it really is hideous."

"Well, we can always paint it again, what colour you thinking?" She sneaks a glance when the bed sinks below her, feeling Holly settle beside her, all cute and poised, ready to bring the beverage to her lips. It's all so domesticated, she can hardly believe how easy it is to be with her.

However, she won't allow herself to dwell on this feeling, at least not right now. She reins her heart in and ponders the question at hand, absorbing the warmth emitting from the mug.

"Not sure, maybe blue?"

"Blue huh?" Holly takes a sip from the mug, and Gail is once again at peace.

"A light shade of blue."

"Like your eyes?" The groan is answer enough, her tongue hitting the roof of her mouth audibly.

"Smooth, Nerd. Smooth." Holly foreigns naivety and nudges her shoulder, "Hey, I wasn't trying—"

"Yeah yeah. I need something to wear."

"I'm pretty sure you're wearing clothes right now, Gail."

"To the funeral."

"Oh."

The knock is barely made before the door is cast wide open, and Elaine is in the room clutching a clip board and pen. All she can do is stare until a breathless Nash appears at the doorway, clutching the frame.

"Gail your mo— oh hey, I uh.. Nevermind, I'll just." She directs her thumb to the hallway, indicating her exit, only for Elaine to start speaking abruptly.

"The funeral is tomorrow and I am asking one thing of you — actually," she scribbles onto the clipboard, immersed in whatever information before she returns to her again, "make that two things I am asking of you. Firstly, clothes. I need for you to find something to wear for tomorrow, for both the funeral and the wake. Secondly, I need for you to write a eulogy—"

"Mom—"

"I know speaking makes you uncomfortable, but this is, this is your father's funeral. We have many people attending tomorrow and I need for you to get it together enough to make it. Steven will be speaking also."

"Okay." She feels the mug slipping from her grasp almost in slow motion, but before anything happens Holly is reaching out and taking it gingerly from her. She hasn't time to register the moment before her mother is on her case again.

"Now regarding the clothes, I called Melanie last night, and she's fixed me an appointment for later this afternoon. I can—"

"No."

"Oh darling, it won't be a bother. I can pass on your measurements—"

"I can find something myself."

"Okay. You have until 3.15 today if you change your mind."

She wants to sink into the bed. She wants to disappear. There's a reason why this whole experience has been mostly a blur. And yet, there are moments of clarity. Moments of connectivity.

"We can go to Eaton Centre if you like, Gail?" The presence of her mother still lingers in the room, even though she is long gone. She has to blink a few times to rid of the onslaught, as her senses slowly return to her. She recognises Traci back at her door.

"Leo's staying at Dexter's and I have an evening shift, so I'm not doing much until then." Its everything at a time like this, literally everything. Though it may not convey on her features, Gail is beyond grateful for Traci.

"Sure."


Well, she was grateful until they arrived — that's when things started to disintegrate before her eyes. At first, they were fine; they were exploring, together. Traci was being super conscious and overly appeasing in whatever Gail was observing on the racks. It was grating on her nerves, in all honesty.

And then, as the mall got busier, louder and just damn right annoying, Gail split.

She told herself it was a natural miscommunication, that it was unavoidable really, because the building was so huge and the crowds were so ridiculous. It was bound to happen. She just looked at Traci, who was momentarily distracted by something and decided to move, to walk further than the trousers and tops and even the clothing isle until she was near accessories and well, out of this particular store entirely.

The shopping centre was huge, and so it was easy to roam undeterred.

It was easy to disappear completely.


After twenty minutes or so of looking for Gail, Traci decided it was time to get some reinforcements in. With one hand on her hip and the other holding the phone to her ear, she waited until the line connected.

"Holly, I don't want you to worry."

"That's not exactly reassuring, Traci. What's going on?" She could hear Holly stopping whatever she was doing in the background, damn, maybe she could have begun the conversation a tad bit differently. But, considering this was Steve's sister who trusted her to look after her; her colleague and most importantly, her friend, she couldn't help but feel a bit apprehensive. She knew how Gail was struggling.

There was no sugar coating this, though.

"I've lost Gail."

"You've lost Gail?"

"Yes. We were shopping and she just sort of.. escaped me." Her eyes meanwhile hunt around the premise, immediately discarding the profiles of women who are nothing alike Gail.

"You make her sound like a two year old."

"Well this is Gail we're talking about, she can be sometimes. Anyway, I've been up and down these escalators so many times now that my heels are beginning to bleed." Humour is the only thing she can reach for instead of panic at this time, as she tries all she can to remain positive.

She really hopes Holly won't detect the genuine fear behind her words.

"Have you tried calling her?"

"Why do you think I'm calling you?"

"Okay, good point. Give me half an hour, I'll meet you at the entrance. If you spot her during that time text me, okay?" This is why she called Holly, she's cool and collected. Also, she's not Elaine or Steve, both who would not be happy with this turn of events.

"Will do. And Holly?"

"Yes?"

"I'm sure she's still in here somewhere, don't panic okay?" She says like she's not, eyes rolling at the hypocrisy.

"I'm trying."

"Really, you think your day is bad?" Gail rests against the store window, her bum slightly numb as she looks at the kid next to her on his phone. Why he has such a device at his age, she doesn't know, nor does she care.

"Uh, yeah. Why do you think I'm sitting here on my phone for?"

"And it didn't occur to you in all of this time why I am out here too?"

"Oh, true. What you out here for?"

"So there was Garage on the first floor that we went to.. and it was full of hipster clothes. Like, with all these crazy colours, but then I saw these leggings with skulls on them, and thought I should get them but Nash pulled me out and we ended up on the second floor in Smart Set. But those clothes were too casual, and I ended up losing her.."

"That just happened, huh?"

"Yep."

"Just ended up losing her?"

"Mhm. So I end up on the third floor, and it's all kinds of wild. I was heading for Ann Taylor when I saw this one kid next door in the Apple store, he was probably around your age, actually, but that's beside the point, he was trying to put this iPad in his pocket."

"An iPad?"

"Yeah, this iPad Mini, and he was clearly failing at it. Anyway, I slowed down and ended up staring at him, point blank through the window, and then he looks up."

"Then what happened?" Gail pretends not to notice how enamoured the kid is now with her story as she tears her eyes away from him, flexing her back.

"We have this staring contest, real Clint Eastwood style. I could even feel the words on my tongue; I wanted to say them so much. But before I could, he already put it back and stepped away." She relives the moment, knowing that she probably saved that kid from a whole different trajectory in life.

Maybe he will make the same mistake, but she would like to think the shame would stay with him long enough to learn his lesson.

"Just because you stared at him?"

"Well, I thought so too. Felt really proud of it, until I saw someone walk by me and into the store. And this woman was pissed. Turned out to be his mother, I suppose."

"And she saw the whole thing?"

"Must have." He hums and looks back down at his phone, seemingly transfixed on the thing.

"It doesn't really answer why you're here though."

"Nope, it doesn't." Her vision purposefully drifts off into the crowd, yearning to get lost once again.

"So, why are you here?"

"Well Casanova, my journey for clothes came to an abrupt stop when I realised that these stores are useless. They don't have what I need. Not Laura, not Loft, not even Ann Taylor."

"And what are you looking for?"

"Something to wear to my father's funeral."

Silence.

Maybe she overstepped.

"Okay, your day is bad." She looks back to the kid, who is no longer engrossed in his phone like but staring directly at her. She looks away.

"Yep." They sit there together, the silence not so awkward as before.

"I have some Nerds if you want some?"

"Nerds you say?" And just like that, her interest is peaked and they somehow find a groove, going back and forth about irrelevant things, and fun things and some little bit serious things.

Overall, time passes and Gail hasn't thought about her mother's expectations or losing Traci in the mall or the good and the bad with Holly or the look on Steve's face when he remembers and all the stuff in-between and especially him; she's just existing in this moment in time with this cool kid, and it's like she can breathe, and it's making her feel more than peace or loss or helpless — it's making her feel human again.

Like all the emotions and memories surrounding her life is on pause and she can just be Gail.

She misses this version of herself.

"She's so stupid." The words catch her off guard, and force Gail to react and fall back in the moment, than on her niggling brain.

"Go easy on her."

"Really? She's been in there for ages."

"Go easy on her until she realises that she's lost you, and then make her pay. Threaten her with telling mom and then she'll do whatever you say so you won't tell on her. Maybe even fake an injury; that always worked for me when I was younger." She jests happily, even though she's one hundred percent being serious. He sighs, folding his arms in a resigned manner. She's seen that look before, and knows it runs deeper than appears at first glance.

"She always does this when she's supposed to be looking after me, and I hate being in women's clothes stores."

"You hate it now."

"So one day I won't?"

"No, you'll always hate it, but later on there'll be a purpose for why you're there."

"Because of girls? Ugh, girls are disgusting." The face he pulls is one of pure disgust, and its enough to make Gail believe him, but she knows how things can change with time.

"I'm not so sure, not all girls are."

"Maybe, but I prefer to hang out with my friends, boys are fun."

"That's true, boys can be fun; so there's nothing wrong if you end up just in the men stores. You'll end up wherever you're supposed to be. Life is pretty weird like that, Troy."

"It's Trevor and you know it." He says with a laugh, and it's enough to make her crack a smile right back.

"Gail?" The call startles her, especially when it's coming from someone she wasn't expecting, "Holly, what are you doing here?" She asks, seeing Holly appear from behind somebody, noting a dishevelled looking Traci hot on her heels. She tries not to exhale, feeling the familiar trappings of helplessness and loss and peace flood her system all at once again.

"I think this is my cue to leave, Kiddo, looks like my very own has found me out. Remember, act like you've sprained your ankle or something; your sister will do whatever you say then." She gets to her feet rather begrudgingly, making sure to look back at Trevor one last time.

She's been in his shoes, feeling like their older sibling should do more.

She wants to say that it does get better, that it's a mixture of positive and negative experiences between a brother and sister.

But she supposes he will figure it out on his own, much like she did.

"Okay, I will, Gail! Here, take the rest of my Nerds. You practically ate them all, anyway."

"Awh, you're cute. And I'm seriously gonna take them because I never say no to food." He snorts as she accepts the package being offered, unable to refrain from bending down and ruffling his hair silly.

"Take care of yourself, Troy."

"Trevor."

"Potato potato."

They at least have the decency to wait until they're away from the boy before they lay it into her, just not in the way she expects.

"Hey." Gail turns, looking to Holly who then pulls her into a hug. Things are weird and tense, and yet Holly is still here. She feels herself exhaling into Holly's shoulder, relieved and yet still coiled with nerves.

"I don't know what to wear."

"We'll figure something out, we'll find something."

"I only get to do this once." Holly knows the gravity of the situation, as she doesn't warrant it with a response.

It makes Gail feel able to accept this reprieve, sinking in to the feel of Holly's body close to hers; surrendering to the way her hands weave up and down her back in a soothing manner. If only she could root herself to this person and let go of the rest, but that wouldn't be reality.

She needs to embrace all the depths of experience, otherwise what is even the point of living? Nothing can ever be perfect for a perpetual period, time doesn't work that way.

"It has to be right." She eventually draws back and directs her focus to an uncomfortable looking Traci who immediately straightens up, offering Gail a small, tentative smile.

"What time is it?"

"Uhh." Traci looks to her watch, noting the late hour and looks back to the pair, honing particularly on Gail who has taken a step back from Holly to lean against the railing.

"It's nearly 3." Gail laughs at this; a contained, bitter chuckle that does not escape either of them standing there. She eventually draws out her phone and turns away from the set of concerned eyes staring back at her.

She looks out, noting the busy atmosphere that she's all but forgotten during her brief respite with Trevor. It was nice.

It was needed.

It was the first proper time that she hadn't thought of her father.

She puts the phone to her ear and waits for the connection; it comes almost immediately.

"Mother."