CHAPTER 19
Oh, to see without my eyes
The first time that you kissed me
Boundless by the time I cried
I built your walls around me
Sufjan Stevens
Shit
Shit
Shit, shit, shit. Shit. What just happened? Tyson's entire face was hot. His heart a fucking mess because he hadn't foreseen this. Clearly. Because if he had, he wouldn't have dragged himself so merrily to a hotel room with Kai. And now he was in trouble. Deep trouble.
The credits for Nemo stopped rolling. Ha, Nemo. He'd really set himself up, hadn't he? What the fucking shit, Tyson? He couldn't remember the last time he'd been so completely moronic. He wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. But he couldn't. Because the screen went black and the room fell into darkness. He could see Kai's silhouette out of the corner of his eye as he leaned sideways to switch the lamp on. Beautiful.
Beautiful.
Kai was beautiful. Sitting on the pristine beige couch in a black t-shirt, unruly grey hair hanging across his forehead as he reached for his phone on the table before him, he was beautiful. He'd always been. But if Tyson were to be honest, Kai's looks had never had much effect on him. Not more than his personality anyway. It was his personality that had drawn Tyson to Kai like a moth to a flame. And when Kai hid his true self to refashion his image into that of a greedy, power-hungry bastard head of an ambitious multi-billion dollar company (and he expanded like crazy), Tyson had hated him. He'd hated him for two long years.
And then Kai had come and apologized, stony mask still in place. He'd been so reluctant to let it drop. He wore it like an armour, even when he faced Tyson. And it angered him because while Tyson believed what Kai was saying to be true, it had still felt like he was lying about his true feelings. Tyson had heard the sincerity in his voice, in his words, in his touches, in his actions, but in his eyes? He'd seen nothing. He hadn't known that boy. Had had no idea who he was.
And Tyson had accepted the reality of the situation. It had been a long time after all. Tyson had changed. So had Kai. And so had the nature of their relationship. He'd made peace with it. In a way, he'd been glad that the pesky little feelings he'd always had for Kai were gone. A good riddance indeed. Because Tyson could do without them.
He'd been happy. And when he'd told Kai about his current feelings towards him, on the day after he'd had a mental breakdown, he'd felt better. Things had been going great. At least he hadn't been confused any more. Till shit changed. It was like somebody had flipped a switch inside of Kai the moment he'd told him he wasn't interested in him any longer. The change hadn't been anything drastic or immediately noticeable, but he felt it in the way their interactions felt freer somehow. Like a weight had been lifted off of their shoulders and they didn't have to be careful around each other any more. It was easy to be with him. Tyson became comfortable around him. And he wasn't exactly sure why he felt that way all of a sudden.
And it was that fucking comfortability that led them here. Kai was checking his phone and Tyson was regretfully nibbling on a Snickers bar. Confused as fuck. What was he going to do now? The evening had begun joyfully. Kai had stopped by Hiro's apartment, when his brother was out, to say a quick hello but Tyson had been bored to death all day and so he took his chance when he saw Kai and proposed a brilliant idea. An idea he was very proud of right now. Tyson truly amazed himself sometimes.
Of course Kai had agreed to take him back to his hotel with him because they were friends and that's what friends do. They hang out with each other. So they'd been doing buddy buddy shit till Tyson started to feel really good and whenever he felt really good he usually got a bit touchy. His stomach was full. His butt cosy. His hands full of sweets. He had been living his life chilling with his bro and his bro was showing a lot of smooth skin. Kai had been very playful and agreeable all night. It had felt like old times and he liked his friend so much that he experienced a very strong fondness when Kai asked him for a candy. He'd been so fond he wanted to feed him himself.
And so he'd fed him. Like the biggest idiot on the planet. And Kai's mouth had wrapped around Tyson's fingers like how it happens between friends every so often. Except he'd had quite a shocking response to the action, leaving him with this niggling feeling in his body. He had frozen. He'd needed some time to process the situation and write it off as nothing to be worried about, but Kai hadn't given him enough time to do that. He'd traced his lip with one electrifying finger and leaned into his space. The way he'd used to do. The way Tyson liked. And he had wanted to find out what he would do. Oddly hypnotised. Kai had said, "tell me to stop," and Tyson's immediate response had been to think why would I do that? He'd felt good. Comfortable. Like he was doing something right for once.
It had been easy to let him come closer. Easy to let him invade his personal space. He'd liked looking at him from such proximity. Near enough to count his eyelashes and sense the coolness of his skin. He hadn't been scared of fucking up or feeling confused afterward because he was sure those feelings were gone. This kiss would feel the way it did to kiss your friend. Fun and relieving. Like coming home.
And it had felt like coming home, but not how he'd expected. Tyson had known he'd made a mistake the moment their mouths had pressed together. Because he'd forgotten how Kai kissed. That he did it the way he bladed. With the same intensity. With the same passion. He'd burned him with his touch. Streaked a hot blaze of desire through him when he deepened the kiss and pinned him into the couch. He'd lost sense of his surroundings. Lost sense of the sounds he was making. All he could think of was Kai and how good it felt to be held like this by him again. His arm had wrapped around his waist, securing him in place and all the chaos rolling around in his head had come to a halt, honing in on the boy who was kissing him and stirring up in him sensations he hadn't experienced in a long long time. He'd forgotten that it could feel like this. That a kiss could get him higher than Fentanyl. Higher than five lines of pure cocaine on an empty stomach of vodka. He'd felt alive. Alive. Alive. Alive
He'd missed him. Missed him so fucking much. This was the feeling he'd been chasing after when he hooked up at parties. This was the feeling he'd looked for and never found with any of those people. Tyson had drawn him closer. Deeper. Till their chests had pressed against each other. He hadn't wanted to let him go. Hadn't wanted to stop. Had wanted to wrap his legs around him and let Kai do to him what he hadn't let other boys do to him. May be he would have asked. Seen how well the ever-composed Kai Hiwatari could take blatant requests from a shameless Tyson. And that was when he'd realized. His attraction to Kai had never stemmed from Kai's good looks, it was his character that he liked. That he'd so hopelessly fallen for. He was flawed, just like him, just like everybody else, but there were some things about him that Tyson found incredibly attractive. Little things and big things that he'd forgotten about in the two years they'd spent apart, but was now slowly being reminded of with each new day.
Kai had visited him almost every single night since he'd been discharged from the hospital and since Tyson's open confession about his feelings Kai had been increasingly honest with him. Both in his actions and his words. And his eyes. Tyson could read his eyes again. And even though he was still a bastard for most of the day, when he was with Tyson in Hiro's tacky apartment, for those few rare minutes, Kai would put down his infuriatingly stone cold CEO mask and be himself again. And Tyson wanted to spent all his time with that boy. Wanted to hold his hand and feel butterflies erupt in his stomach. Wanted to touch his hair and laugh at his jokes. Wanted to talk to him. Wanted to listen to him. Wanted to be near him. Wanted to hug him. Wanted to feel his lips against his own.
And he'd gotten to do all of that tonight. If Kai hadn't pulled away when he did. If he hadn't stopped. Tyson would have gladly had all of him. But then he had pulled away. And Tyson had come back to his senses. Upon seeing Kai's kiss-drugged eyes and mussed up hair, Tyson's first thought had been: well fuck. So that was what it took to rumple up his perpetually unperturbed appearance. Kai's hand had still been resting against his throat and even though he was only loosely holding him, Tyson had felt as though he'd trapped him and there was nowhere he could go. Kai had leaned back in, his fingers slightly squeezing his neck as he brushed his mouth against Tyson's jaw. Oh. He'd been thinking of tugging him close again when Kai drew away, breaking the moment. "Not interested like that, huh?" he'd asked and Tyson had felt a wave of embarrassment crash over him.
God. He'd fucked up. He'd fucked up so bad. There was a reason he'd been happy to find out his feelings for Kai had died. Because as high as Kai could take Tyson, he also held the power to break him down. Bring him lower than low. And the crash would have been worse than coming down from coke. Much worse. And Tyson had promised himself he wouldn't let Kai do that to him a second time. No. He couldn't. He couldn't.
He simply wasn't strong enough to go through all of that once again.
And he hadn't known what to say in that situation. He'd been angry and disappointed at himself. He was still angry and disappointed. Because what the fuck? What the fuck, Tyson? He was not going to do a round two. No. Absolutely not. He'd had enough. And yeah he wanted Kai alright. He wanted him so much he was almost aching. Had it been any other boy who was making him feel this way, he'd have gotten naked with him ten minutes ago, but this was Kai and even if Kai were okay with casual sex with Tyson, Tyson wasn't okay with casual sex with Kai. Because he knew, with a staggering certainty, that whatever he felt for the other boy at the moment wouldn't go away with spending one night with him. In fact, it would only increase in intensity and then they'd both be truly fucked.
"I think I should go home," said Tyson. There was no way they could sort this out tonight. He needed to think and to do that, he needed to get away from Kai. Kai looked up from his phone, eyes so dark they almost seemed black. Tyson wondered what was going through his mind. Not a day went by when he didn't want to know the secrets behind his silent, steady gaze. He both loved and hated that gaze. It was hard to meet his eyes sometimes, when he didn't want Kai to know the thoughts he was hiding. This was one of those times.
"Okay" Kai nodded. "I'll drive you."
