Chapter 21:
The Ghost of You


The taxi's headlights pierced the darkness shrouding the rural property Jack longed to see for so many weeks. He craned his neck to gaze up at the iron sign hanging from the gallows gate as they passed beneath it, barely visible against the night sky. Heartland. A sweet rush of joy swept through his body, instantly overcoming his homesickness, welcoming and comforting as a loving mother's embrace. He was home. Jack leaned back in the seat, willing his hands in his lap to remain still. The flights that brought him back to Alberta had been trouble-free, and though he was thoroughly exhausted, he felt somehow energized by the familiar sight of the generational Bartlett homestead.

Once he paid the driver, Jack eagerly exited the passenger-side door, turned down the offer of help with the luggage, and made for the house. The driver quietly circled back up the drive before speeding off into the night back to Calgary. It was already past 1:00 a.m., so Jack certainly wasn't expecting anyone to be awake who might greet him. His decision to return earlier than planned had not been so spur-of-the-moment that he could not have called ahead to inform the family. The truth was he simply did not want the fuss and bother of everyone clamouring for him when he arrived. They might even have insisted on getting out to the airport, despite the inconvenient hour.

He crept inside quietly, careful not to disturb anyone with his movements. He relished the scents of the house; filling his lungs with homey air he had not breathed in nearly a month. Someone, Jack figured, had lit the fireplace earlier that evening as a charred, smoky odor lingered. The grey outlines of his bedroom door beckoned. Jack's tired body craved the comfort of his own bed; his feet carried him there almost without his conscious effort.

What followed would become the stuff of family legend, and Jack would forever regret his choice to keep his early arrival a secret. The bed he longed for was not empty; rather, it was inexplicably occupied by someone who turned out to be his ex-son-in-law. The ensuing commotion brought everyone out of their respective beds, expressing their shock, surprise, and delight he had come back.

Jack's own delight and relief at coming home was short-lived. Changes had taken place in his absence that made him once again regret he had ever left in the first place. It came as no surprise who was responsible for those changes.

What irked Jack was that it had to come from Georgie that Tim had taken a great deal of liberty when it came to the day-to-day operation of Heartland. Georgie was the one who had the guts to come straight out and tell Jack things had actually been terrible under Tim's management. Mis-management was more like it, really. Tim acted as if he had carte blanche on the ranch, and no one had been able to rein in his rash and impulsive decisions.

You can't just touch other people's stuff without their permission! Jack fumed to himself upon learning the fate of his stalwart coffee maker and his old trucks. And then the sheep... There had never been sheep at Heartland! Sheep on a cattle ranch?! Tim's reasoning came down to a whole lot of B.S. about how much profit there was to be made on the mutton market. But that was Tim: Always looking for the easy way; the quick-fix; the fast buck.

It did not help matters that Lou still had not overcome her kid-gloves treatment when it came to his health. Skipping out on his appointments in Calgary sent her into apoplectic fits, but Jack had wanted nothing more to do with medical professionals and examinations and prescriptions and fussing.

But change was inevitable. Despite Tim's bone-headed actions, his words about accepting those life changes instead of clinging to the past hit home in the most unexpected way. Maybe it had to do with keeping the peace more than anything else, if only for the sake of his own physical and mental health, but Jack made the choice to compromise on a few things. As it was, the new doctor who took over from the retired Dr. Gill was pretty great, even if Lou had tried to pull a fast one on that issue. Dr. Tricia Virani, the city-slicker from Toronto who always dreamed of country living had had the courage to make the drastic change in her life to achieve that dream. It had been easier than he expected to offer Lisa's saddle to Tricia for use during her riding lessons with Tim. Lisa would not have minded, of that Jack was certain, and it was just sitting at Heartland, collecting dust. Maybe she had forgotten that extra saddle was even still there with him.

Things eventually settled into a fairly predictable routine, as they often do following a crisis. Coping with change was not as frustrating or difficult as Jack had imagined, except for the subtle reminders of her that cropped up in the most unexpected moments.

He had almost convinced himself he was over Lisa. Almost. Days might go by without a thought of her. Then he would see someone in town who bore a resemblance to her, and it would be agony realising it wasn't her: his crushing disappointment it wasn't her clear evidence there was still too much unfinished business; too much unsaid. Too many lost possibilities.

Would she ever come back? Were her French business dealings keeping her away? She always came home eventually, if Hudson really was still home for her. Not knowing the answers to those questions gnawed at Jack. A simple phone call and you could be speaking to her; one simple phone call, and you could have the answers, Jack thought. Somehow, even the hypothetical, mental exercise of picking up the phone to dial Lisa's number was paralysing. His hands and fingers refused to obey. There was no telling what kind of conversation they could have if he followed through.

There was one specific moment he came within a hairsbreadth of calling her—an almost automatic action due to a surprise circumstance—but he just as quickly reined himself in. It was Mallory's unexpected departure to join Jake in Paris that nearly jolted Jack into action. Call Lisa! Tell her all about Mallory so they can meet up in France and... and what? Jack's thoughts came to a screeching halt. Mallory was an adult. Mallory did not need Lisa to be her chaperone in France; Lisa did not need to watch out for Mallory. If Mallory wanted to look up Lisa on her own and arrange a visit, she could do it without his input.

Little Mallory Wells, whose prattling was so often a source of irritation, was now grown up and spreading her wings. She would probably be disappointed about the state of his relationship with Lisa, given how perceptive she had been about them from the very beginning. It pained Jack slightly that the kid-next-door had left so swiftly he did not get an opportunity to tell her a proper goodbye. At least Lou, Amy, Ty, and Georgie managed an impromptu farewell as Mallory's airport shuttle bus drove past them on the road out of Hudson.

I couldn't even manage that with Lisa, Jack reflected, gripped with regret yet again. Would his shortcomings in that department ever be redeemed? It did not seem possible. All he would be left with for the remainder of his days would be unfulfilled wishes along with the occasional bittersweet memory.

And those damned memories! They were liable to spring up at the worst times like tenacious weeds, catching him off-guard and destroying his carefully crafted fantasy that everything about his present state was perfectly fine without her. Though she was physically in France, her presence lingered here. The ranch house. The fields of Heartland. Downtown Hudson. The fishing cabin. Escaping her "ghost" was impossible.

The only good thing, really, was that no one brought it up. No one spoke her name anymore these days. Their concerns for him continued to be focused mainly on keeping him as healthy and stress-free as possible, and that seemed to include not mentioning the name "Lisa Stillman".


The letter from Lou arrived in mid-September on a day Denys and Sebastien Laporte were harvesting grapes from Lisa's vineyard on the Toulon property. It was a lovely note of belated thanks for their completed business transaction that also served as an update of sorts. Lisa read with varying degrees of happiness and concern about what had been happening with the family: happiness over Lou's book tour to promote Mom's the Word—a compilation of the best entries of her blog by the same name; concern over Amy's major health scare due to the accident with a horse named Zeus that nearly left her blind. Upon reading that horror story, Lisa felt a tug at her heart, wondering if she should return at once to Hudson.

I don't need you to be my nurse!

Jack's exclamation from the last time she returned to Hudson resounded in her mind, its sting just as fresh as the first time the cutting words were issued.

I just wanted to take care of you... she thought again. Was this something other people perceived in her as a flaw? Was there something wrong with having an irrepressible desire to care for those she loved? Jack did not want her to take care of him; that much he had made clear. Jack's family did not need her to take care of them, either, since Lou's letter seemed to indicate that Amy's particular crisis had blown over and all was well. Still, that did not prevent Lisa from feeling like it was something she ought to have been there for, if only for emotional support.

Yeah, right. Jack has not called once, thought Lisa. No letters. Nothing. If his emotional needs weren't being met, he would have found some way to let you know. He's moved on. "I don't need you to be my nurse" was probably his own way of saying "I don't need you".

Dan was breathing down her neck again. What a mistake that had been, staying in business with her ex-husband. The longer that link remained, the longer Lisa felt used by him. Their Avignon venture needed the capital, that was true enough. Fairfield had to be on the market soon, he pointedly reminded her, or they might miss some important windows of opportunity. Dan had also recently brought up the possibility of jumping on the horse-cloning bandwagon, despite its lack of support and sanction in some circles. Dan had promoted it like it was going to be the next big thing in horse racing, claiming the Racing Association would soon come around and permit them to race, and how great it would be for them if they were ahead of the curve. For the time being Lisa was skeptical, but the idea was intriguing, since she knew clones were already accepted in the Olympics and other equestrian events.

Lisa re-read Lou's letter to be sure she had not missed anything important. Disappointingly, she had not written a single word about Jack. No "Grandpa's doing fine" or "Grandpa made it back from his Arizona trip in one piece" or "Grandpa misses you" or anything of the sort. Lou had avoided the topic of her grandfather entirely.

After folding the letter and filing it away, Lisa forced herself to get up and move to her laptop. There was an email from Harry sitting in her Inbox she had been ignoring. She had asked for a report on all the horses currently at Fairfield so she could make some final decisions about which ones to ship to France, and which ones to sell along with the property. Already, Lisa had a good idea which ones they would be holding onto; Dan had also asked for some input since a number of the horses had been sired through Brookland Stables.

Her whole business life had revolved around the rearing, buying, and selling of racehorses. It was a life she loved, but the prospect of looking at Harry's report now felt like drudgery. She pushed through the lethargy with a discipline honed from many years of running this business; no one else was going to do this job for her. This was not something to delegate to a Fairfield staff member.

The list was alphabetical. Lisa scanned it, making notes to herself about Harry's findings. From there, she would create a master list of horses that would remain in her possession to be transported to France, most likely to the pending Avignon facility. Harry noted some of the horses on the list had interested buyers already; anything after that would be left in Hudson as part of whatever deal she could broker for the sale of Fairfield.

Over three hours later, Lisa finally compiled a list of ten horses that were keepers:

Avro
Booster
Donnybrook
Fairfield Flyer
Gimlet
Interlocutor
Jitterbug
Matthew's Gambit
Paparazzo
Porthos

Dan would be happy about that list, she was certain of it. In particular, he would be pleased about Fairfield Flyer. They co-owned him, and the horse had some serious pedigree, racking up notable successes on the racetrack. He had been one of the horses along with Porthos that had its performance markers tested by the genetics lab several months ago, and the results had been extremely encouraging. Lisa sent off a follow-up email to Harry to inform him of her intentions. By now, the staff would be wondering about the fate of Fairfield Stables. They had all been in a holding pattern of sorts since she had returned to France. She valued her staff greatly, so she made up her mind she would try to entertain offers only from buyers who were interested in maintaining the business, as opposed to someone who simply wanted a nice parcel of land to develop.

Lisa was about to shut down her laptop when a new message arrived in her Inbox from her sister.

"Hi, sis!

"I was wondering if you're still planning to put Fairfield on the market and when. The reason I'm asking is I have some vacation days I can use up around Thanksgiving. I was thinking maybe I could come out then to see the old place before it's gone for good. What do you think? Does that time-frame work for you? Let me know.

Love,
Rachel"

A quick peek at the calendar revealed Thanksgiving fell on October 13 that year. That gave her a few weeks of breathing space to plan. Sure, she could have handled the details of the sale of Fairfield from France, especially with trusted Harry to oversee the day-to-day operations. He had been doing it for so long, there were zero anxieties about that side of things. Some things, though, she would have to take care of personally, no matter how much she convinced herself otherwise. Fairfield was the family estate. There were heirlooms and possessions she simply could not trust the disposal of to just anybody. Though Lisa had pretty much everything she needed in her Toulon residence, there of course remained personal items back at Fairfield she really ought to deal with before the place passed into other hands or were packed and shipped by the indifferent employees of a moving company.

You've helped me clinch it, Rachel, thought Lisa as she typed a reply.

"Let's do it," she wrote. "But I'd really not like to make it public we're there, for obvious reasons. You should know I have not heard from Jack at all, so that pretty much says it all about where things are with us. He's moved on, and it's time I should, too... which is what this sale of Fairfield is all about."

"Send me your travel plans when they're finalized. Maybe I can book on the same flight you're taking out of Montreal and we can fly to Calgary together. I look forward to spending Thanksgiving with you this year as we say goodbye to 'the old place'.

"Love,
Lisa"

Lisa sent off the message. There was no turning back, now. She really was returning to Hudson, however secretly and briefly. Once there, however, it dawned on her it would be nearly impossible to simply hunker down at Fairfield and hide her face from the public.

I should have thought this through better, she thought as a silent groan passed her lips. But I really don't want Jack to find out I'm there. I don't want to put myself through any more pain. I don't want to think of the might-have-beens. I don't want to fool myself into thinking we can force a meeting and rekindle what we once had.

There would be no more trips to his fishing cabin; no more warm summer days spent mending fences at Heartland; no more conversations with him in the ranch house kitchen. He would never sit in her kitchen in Toulon, either. Even the place in Arizona he suggested was out of consideration.

The last time she was in Hudson, the reconciliation she hoped for had been a dismal failure. "A scalded cat fears cold water". The French proverb floated through her mind. No, she would not attempt a second reunion. After she closed the door behind her at Heartland the last time she spoke with Jack—no, the last time she fought with Jack—that door was going to remain firmly closed. To open it again would mean opening herself up to the possibility of more pain and rejection, and Lisa figured there had been quite enough of that already.

Get into Hudson, say goodbye to Fairfield with Rachel, and get out. Nothing else, Lisa told herself decisively. But if I should happen to run into Jack by accident...

Lisa shuddered. The possibility terrified her, because she honestly had no idea how she would react if that happened.


TBC