Memento Mori
Summary: Of the many people capable of carrying the fate of the universe on their shoulders by travelling back in time, Loki would have been the first choice of exactly nobody. With no allies, no plan and nobody on his side, Loki will just have to wing it.
Or: That awkward moment when you've completed your redemption arc, but nobody else got the memo.
Chapter 20
The reality stone's power flowed through Jane's veins like water. It collected on her palm in red puddles, trickled through her fingers and pooled around her body once she let it slip over her hands and stream through the air.
Jane gave it a nudge and it came rushing back with the jolt of touching an exposed wire. She cursed under her breath, rubbing her skin to get rid of the sting.
She didn't look up when a portal opened and Stephen stepped into the Sanctum.
He paused. "Are you doing alright?"
"I don't know." Jane tried to repeat the exercise and took multiple tries to get the stone's substance to manifest at all. "It's getting more difficult to control."
In Sokovia, Jane had been able to use the stone to defend herself and aid the Avengers during their battle. Now, every time she tried steering it, the stone pushed back.
"It's like the stone's... acting up. It's not allowing me to take control like it used to."
Stephen sat down beside her, sporting a thoughtful expression. "We always knew it would be a temporary solution."
"I want it gone," Jane admitted. "It doesn't feel like it's doing any harm, but... yeah. I just really want it gone."
Scientific interest only got her so far accepting a foreign, invasive power taking hold of her body. She couldn't deny that experimenting with it had been one of the highlights in her scientific career, but she could only pose as a guinea pig for so long until it lost the appeal. Jane much prefered a front row seat over being in the spotlight.
All things considered, she thought that Stark had taken his own powers rather well.
Jane tore her thoughts away from the stone and stopped trying to make it manifest. "Anything new from the team?"
"Nothing since the last time we checked up on them."
Jane and Stephen had relocated to the Sanctum after spending several days at Avengers Tower. They hadn't managed to bear the tension.
Whatever had happened between the Avengers, Jane didn't particularly want to get involved. The snippets she'd been able to pick up had all sounded dreadfully personal.
At least the team seemed to be working it out between them. The air around them felt thick and oppressive – not to mention incredibly awkward – but at the very least, they seemed to be talking.
Jane shook her head. Even if she'd wanted to, she didn't know any of the Avengers well enough to get involved. Well, almost.
"I can't stop thinking about Thor," she muttered, staring down into her lap. She hesitated. "And Loki."
Stephen didn't answer right away. "Yeah. Me too."
"Something just feels off." Jane tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. "I'm not saying it's impossible that he's deceived us this entire time, but... I don't know. It doesn't feel right."
"The team thinks so, too."
That threw Jane for a loop. "They do?"
"They're considering it," Stephen said carefully. "I heard them talking about it the other day."
Perhaps Jane shouldn't be as surprised as she was. Tempers had been high on the day Thor had taken Loki and ran; first the mishap with the mind stone, Loki's outrageous claim of being from the future (one that might not be outrageous at all, considering the amulet that laid heavily around Stephen's neck) and, as the last drop in an already overflowing barrel, Wanda's vision.
In retrospect, nobody had been in the right state of mind to draw an unbiased conclusion.
"They don't think Thor would have helped Loki escape if he hadn't been sure," Stephen said.
Sure of what? His innocence? His trustworthiness? Neither of those seemed fitting words to describe Loki with.
Stephen gave a shrug. "We can't do anything as long as they're gone."
Jane chewed on her lip. Stephen was right – they didn't even have a way of contacting Thor.
"He'll come back," Jane said. "Right?"
"I think he will." Stephen paused. "He'll have no choice once Thanos makes his move."
The thought was as sobering as it felt inevitable.
Jane sat back in her seat and, for lack of anything else to do, took up her efforts to tame the reality stone's powers.
Finding the soul stone was easier than expected. Searching the entire surface of Vormir might have taken more time than the Guardians could buy them, but seeing as the planet was uninhabitable and practically empty, they simply needed to find the one location that wasn't a barren wasteland.
The space stone was practically drawn to its sister.
"How far did we travel?" Thor asked, climbing the last slope to the top of the cliff.
"Far." Loki strained his eyes against the natural darkness of the planet. The only sun in orbit was almost entirely covered by its moon – Loki wondered how long the solar eclipse lasted, or whether it was the constant state of the planet. "We're at the center of Celestial existence. The nearest planet is light years away."
The air they breathed felt heavy and stale. It was a miracle that the planet possessed an atmosphere at all, considering they hadn't seen any vegetation. The planet must have looked different once, before time or some natural disaster had tossed it over the edge of ruin.
It wasn't long until they reached the top of the mountain. Thor stiffened and brought Loki to a halt by sticking out one arm – they weren't alone.
"Welcome, travelers."
Loki kept his eyes on the hooded figure. Their cloak billowed in a non-existent breeze and made it look as though they – as though he – was floating.
"Who are you?" Thor asked, eyeing the person warily.
Out of the stranger's line of sight – half covered by Thor's frame – Loki fiddled with a dagger. Nobody should be able to survive on a dead planet. Whoever the figure was, he couldn't be a regular person.
"I am the Stonekeeper," he said, allowing his hood to fall and reveal crimson skin pulled tightly over a skeletal face. "I am here to pass over the stone to whoever is prepared to earn it. And to refuse it to whoever is not."
Loki stepped out of Thor's shadow. "And what does 'earning' the stone entail?"
"The soul stone is unique, even among its peers. To earn it, one has to prove one's willingness to–" The Stonekeeper's eyes met Loki's. He paused, his words forgotten and his gaze unreadable.
"Willingness to do what?" Thor asked, frowning at the Stonekeeper.
"The willingness for sacrifice." He didn't pull his unblinking eyes away from Loki as he spoke. "To prove oneself, one has to be prepared to lose. To earn the soul stone, one has to lose what they love."
Loki's breath caught in his throat. That couldn't be true.
"To receive the stone, we have to sacrifice something we love?" Thor's brows were furrowed deeply. "Someone?"
"Correct," the Stonekeeper said, still looking at Loki. "A sacrifice made willingly. One that cuts deep."
There was silence. Loki heard only his breathing in the wake of the Stonekeeper's revelation, words forgotten in the face of their impossible situation.
The gaping abyss next to their feet took on an entirely new meaning.
"Loki..."
Loki swallowed heavily. He ignored his brother's voice. "There has to be another way." He narrowed his eyes at the Stonekeeper. "Why should we believe what you're saying?"
"It is the truth."
Loki tore his eyes away because the Keeper wouldn't.
"Loki."
"Don't even think about it," Loki snapped. He wondered what Thanos had done in their stead.
He must have found himself in the same situation in the other reality, and somehow, he had emerged victorious. There had to be another way. What was there that a tyrant loved? There needed to be another way. It had to, seeing as Thanos had won where he otherwise could not have.
Thor's brows were pinched. "We need the stone."
"But not like this." Loki played with the thought of leaving the planet and the soul stone behind.
The Stonekeeper kept looking at him. "What is it?" Loki snarled.
"In all my years of guarding the stone," he said, "nothing of this sort has ever happened."
Loki furrowed his brows. "What has?"
"A sacrifice has already been made."
Loki stiffened at the words and felt the urge to cut the Keeper's throat before he could speak another word.
"Not in this world, no. Not in this time. But it matters not. The price has been paid, and the stone can feel your pain."
"I don't know what you're–"
"And yet," he said, cutting Loki off, "it does not manifest." He strode closer, his expression as thoughtful as a skeletal parody of a face was able to look. "What is it that holds you back?"
"Cease your riddles," Thor said. "What is it that you mean? What sacrifice?"
The Stonekeeper didn't answer. He came closer still, seeming like he looked straight through Loki. "Curious, indeed. What a sacrifice it was."
Thor was getting frustrated. "You speak of his journey through time, do you not? Is that my brother's sacrifice?"
"Thor." Loki's throat was dry. "Thor, stop."
"No," the Stonekeeper said, reacting to Thor's questions at last. "No, not quite."
"Silence!" Loki snarled.
"It is true, he is of a different time. But there is more to it." He turned his unnerving gaze away from Loki, only to pin Thor with it instead. "He sacrificed you."
Silence.
"I don't understand," Thor said.
Loki grit his teeth to quell the pain blossoming in his chest. Losing Thor had been painful enough the first time around. The first time, in that first reality, where'd he'd... Where Thanos had...
"Interesting," the Stonekeeper said. "You are lying to everybody, god of lies. Even yourself."
"What is he talking about, Loki?"
He couldn't lose him a second time. If Thor was the sacrifice needed to unlock the stone, Loki would rather present it to Thanos himself. He wouldn't do it. He couldn't.
"Loki..."
Loki closed his eyes. His heart fluttered in his chest and made him feel light-headed.
"You've been trying too hard to convince everybody of your selfish reasons. Returning to save yourself, and your brother."
No. No.
"Tell me, Liesmith. What is the truth?"
"I lost him," Loki growled, regarding the Stonekeeper with hateful eyes. "That is the truth. What does it matter how it happened?"
"It matters," the Stonekeeper said, "because it was your decision."
Loki reeled back as though he'd been struck. "You believe I wanted this? That I wanted any of this? If I'd had the choice–"
"Oh, but you had. Of all the people who could have taken your place, you were given the choice. You chose, so why are you holding back now?"
"Without Thor I couldn't–"
"Lies." The Stonekeeper stayed infuriatingly calm throughout everything. "Try again."
"What is he talking about?" Thor muttered. "I died. In that other reality, I was... You told me."
"Did he?" the Stonekeeper asked.
"Of course. He..." Thor frowned. "He... implied. I thought..."
"You assumed."
Loki clenched his hands to fists, his nails digging into the skin of his palm. "Fine," he said, pressing out the words through clenched teeth. "I chose. What does it matter?"
He'd lost Thor, one way or another. He might not have died – he'd been alive, back in that other future, seeing him off to his mission of turning it all around – but the result was the same.
"It matters," the Stonekeeper said, "because you carry with you the pain your decision caused. You made a sacrifice," he raised his hand, and Loki felt frozen in place, "and the stone is yours."
A blinding light pierced his eyes, and Loki heard Thor crying out his name. Then, nothing.
The twin suns rose in the dawn of a new day, illuminating purple soil and weary faces on a ruined planet. Debris was strewn around them broken and tainted with blood, not so ancient ruins failing to tell their people's story.
Who could tell whether they'd been eradicated by Thanos or whether they'd perished long before the Mad Titan had ended the world with a snap of his fingers?
If nothing else, they betrayed the intensity of the battle. Thanos had not bled easily. (But what was a drop of blood against the slaughter of a universe?)
"I can end this," Thor insisted, grief and desperation battling with single-minded determination. "I can end him."
"And he will take you with him," Stark said, his voice filled with tired resignation more than genuine protest.
Loki hated himself for not speaking out. He hated himself for not stopping Thor, his idiotic oaf of a brother who was about to face the weakened Titan by himself.
Every breath burned like the air itself was on fire. He could feel ash settling in his lungs.
"If that's what it takes."
Once, there would have been protests. Once, there would have been people left to protest, unbroken by the grief that a single madman had unleashed upon the universe.
Now, the fight had gone on for too long. The Captain's shield lay beside them in pieces. The monster – the Hulk – had shrunk back into Banner, unconscious or worse. He had not seen Valkyrie in days.
Loki couldn't bring himself to do anything. He watched Thor walk away, the fires reflected on Stormbreaker's metal.
In their midst, the remains of the Infinity Gauntlet shone in the suns' light. Only a fraction of the stones were still intact, and their enemy had never been this vulnerable.
Victory was within their grasp.
But what did it matter when the Titan had already succeeded?
Thor returned with a corpse and to a broken world. There was no universe left to celebrate.
And when the time stone was found, it left Loki with a choice. His brother, or the universe?
Loki regained consciousness feeling warm and comfortable. His eyes were shut, and his body oddly relaxed. Something small lay in his palm, pulsing and radiating heat.
He didn't need to look down to know that it was the soul stone. It somehow didn't turn his skin into ash – Loki supposed that proving worthy to it gave him the privilege not to die at its hands.
Loki realized that he was leaning against somebody's chest. Somebody's very broad, very firm chest.
"Get off me," Loki hissed, snapping open his eyes and pushing himself up on wobbly legs.
Thor looked at him with sad, oh-so-understanding eyes. "Loki..."
Loki growled, tearing away his gaze. This was exactly what he'd wanted to avoid. "This means nothing."
"Nothing?" Thor climbed to his feet beside him. The Stonekeeper was nowhere to be seen. "You've earned us the soul stone."
"That just means it all turned out perfectly," Loki bit out. "Didn't it?"
"The Stonekeeper said you sacrificed me."
"Perhaps I should have. Pushing you into a gaping abyss sounds more tempting with every passing second."
"What happened, Loki? In that other future?"
Loki looked away, dodging his brother's seeking glance.
"You made us think that Thanos died," Thor said. "That we'd achieved victory. You made us think that you gambled with the fate of the universe by coming back."
"What universe?" Loki choked out, surprising himself. He hadn't wanted to have this conversation – he still didn't. But Thor was looking at him with expectant eyes, so eager to learn the truth. So eager to listen to Loki telling his story.
So eager to understand.
Loki realized that Thor would not let it go and closed his eyes. "There was not much of a universe left for me to gamble."
Thor's eyes widened. "The titan... he'd already succeeded?"
Loki gave a curt nod.
"I don't understand," Thor muttered. "Why didn't you tell us? Why did you let us think otherwise?"
Loki grit his teeth and stayed silent.
"The Stonekeeper told us that you'd sacrificed me," Thor said. Loki realized with dawning horror that Thor was seconds away from putting the pieces together. "He meant the other version of me."
Loki didn't deny it. He couldn't.
"That is what he meant. You didn't sacrifice him by killing him. He didn't die at all. You had to leave him behind."
Pain sparked in Loki's chest, wave after wave of deeply repressed emotions. Thor and the Stonekeeper, they both made it sound like such a noble thing to do. What a sacrifice it had been, leaving behind a broken future to create a better one. How selfless of Loki, making sure there'd be a world left for him to live in.
"You left your brother behind," Thor repeated, "and I am not him. He's lost to you. And when you met me..."
He paused, and both of them thought back to that very first day. To their reunion that had begun with Thor grabbing him by the throat, thinking he was the same brother who'd lead the New York invasion not long ago.
Loki thought back to all the other times Thor's otherness had been apparent. The lack of trust. The lack of familiarity. Thor was his brother, and he loved him dearly. But what he'd had in the other reality had been different. And, like Thor'd said, it was lost to him.
Going by Thor's crestfallen expression, he'd come to the same conclusions. "When you met me, I'd last seen you attempt to overthrow Midgard."
"I know," Loki said.
"If I'd known," Thor started, and Loki cut him off. He didn't want to listen to this. He couldn't.
"I know." He let irritation creep into his voice because it was better than sorrow. "It happened. Nobody can change it."
The Stonekeeper had said as much. Loki had made his choice, and now he was forced to live with it. He had nobody to blame but himself.
"Unless you want to wallow in pity for longer–" Loki's sentence cut off in a grunt as Thor closed his arms around him. "Really?" he asked, trying to make himself sound annoyed and almost choking on the word.
Thor didn't budge. Of course he didn't. He tightened his grip and made Loki freeze in his struggles with the words, "I'm sorry."
There was nothing Thor needed to feel sorry for. None of it had been his decision. None of it had been his fault – it had been Loki who'd come barging into his world, and Thor was merely along for the ride.
"I'm not him," Thor said. "I'm not the brother you left behind. But I'm still your brother. And I love you."
Loki went rigid. He fought the urge to tear himself away – out of Thor's embrace, away from his touch and his soothing words – and stayed, muscles wound tight.
Thor let go of him eventually, and Loki did not dare meet his eyes.
"Would you believe me if I told you that it was the hardest choice I've ever made?" Loki whispered. The thought was ridiculous. There was no possible way any of them could have been happy in the nightmarish world he'd left behind.
Thor didn't answer immediately.
"Even if I didn't," he said, nodding to the soul stone, "this proves that you're telling the truth, does it not?"
Loki followed his gaze and nudged the gem lying in his palm. His sacrifice had been big enough to earn them the stone. It wouldn't have done so, had the choice been anything other than agonizing.
"Was it worth it?" Thor asked next, his voice too gentle for a question so harrowing.
"I suppose that remains to be seen," Loki said, closing his fist around the infinity stone that made their set complete.
Big thanks to To Mockingbird, PyrothTenka and Igornerd!
