Chapter 23: Wake Up Call
"Remy, are you okay?"
"Hmm?" I looked up at Christopher as we slowly walked the streets of Brooklyn one evening. My mind was somewhere else and it took me a moment to gather my thoughts to the situation at hand. "Oh, yeah sure."
Falling right back into my previous thoughts, I didn't notice that he stopped walking until I was a couple feet away. I walked back to him with a questioning look but he was glaring at the ground.
"My mother asked about you this morning."
"Oh yeah?" I smiled and nudged him jovially. "What'd you say?"
"I didn't know what to say." His eyes met mine and I saw annoyance. "Remy, I know absolutely nothing about you."
"Well..." I shrugged. "What do you wanna know?"
"Everything."
"Everything?"
He nodded which made me laugh. "That's ridiculous Chris. Ya gotta be more spacific. There's no way you can know everything about a person."
"Alright," he paused and pressed his finger to his chin in thought; a rather irritating habit in my opinion. "Where did you grow up?"
"Here," I spread my hands casually in front of me. "In Brooklyn."
"Where is your family?"
This was a personal question but I answered it truthfully; my voice flat and emotionless. "Dead and gone." In order to channel my sudden emotion, I began to walk again.
"What happened to them?" He crossed his arms as he caught up with me. I guess he found my answer to be too abbreviated and wanted something more specific but I wasn't to oblige.
"Just that Chris. They ain't here and that's all that matters."
"It matters to me."
"Why? If it don't matter ta me, it shouldn't matter ta you."
"If you can't even tell me-"
"No one knows Chris!" I stopped and put my hands on my hips. "And we've only been dating what? Two weeks? I don't think that gives you the right to request that information." I raised my voice slightly but tried my best to keep my anger in check. There was no reason to take out all my frustrations of the past week on Chrstopher.
To my surprise, he backed off. "You're right. I'm sorry." Giving a big sigh he threw up his hands. "It's just that...all I do know about you is that you're Remy Bruin and you're a Brooklyn newsy."
I cringed, "Remy isn't my real name. It's a nickname."
This got him back to defenses. "You mean I don't even know your name?!"
"No, I thought you knew that? And again, no one knows that." I closed my eyes and rubbed my hand down my face. "It's kinda personal."
"Why do you need a nickname?"
I groaned, "How about how I got it or who gave it to me instead?"
Christopher shook his head slowly in astonishment, "I don't think I have ever met anyone with so many secrets."
I chuckled good-naturedly at his look. "Actually, you just managed to hit on the three big ones. Why don't you ask me my favorite color, or meal, or what I want to do when I get off the streets?"
"I already know the answers to those."
"Oh you do, do you?" I raised my eyebrow at him questioningly.
"Yes. Green, Cole slaw, and I'm assuming you want to do what every girl does and start a family."
I stopped walking and looked repulsively at him (well, as repulsive as one can towards such a nice person as Christopher). "Where'd you get that?"
"What?"
"Green? Cole slaw? Starting a family?" I put emphasis on the latter in distaste. "I guess my favorite color does change pretty frequently...and I do eat cole slaw a lot...but that..."
"You don't want to get married and have kids?"
The look on my face must have dropped into sheer horror because he quickly held his hands up in vindication. "I don't mean to me! Well, I mean maybe to me...much later that is." His voice lowered with each word so the sentence eventually dissipated.
We stood there awkwardly for a moment; me looking to the side trying to stop my heart from pounding in my chest. The picture of me walking down the isle in a white dress to Christopher just didn't seem right and it brought along a sickly feeling.
"I'm sorry Remy." Christopher kicked a pebble in frustration. "I should have just kept my big mouth shut."
Recovering quickly I shook my head, "No it's okay. I understand. I do want to start a family...eventually." I looked back at him and smiled a little. "I know it's not very traditional but there are lots of things I want to do before I settle down. Besides, I'm not exactly in a positon to responsibly bring anyone into this world." The thought was actually terrifying.
"Is that what you want? To get married and have kids right away?"
He looked as if he was having an internal struggle before he finally reduced to a shrug of his left shoulder. We began walking again in silence; both in our own thoughts.
The sun was setting behind the bridge and I knew I should probably get back to the lodging house soon. It wouldn't be a good idea for me to return late.
"It can't be good keeping all those secrets to yourself." Christopher said half to himself.
"Well, I haven't kept it all to myself. I've told Spot a lot of stuff about myself over the years." I shrugged again. "I guess I just grew to trust him over the years. He is my best friend. And he really understands me and where I come from. If I had to tell anyone anything, it would probably be him." I don't know why I said it all but it was true and I always felt I should be honest with Christopher.
As if suddenly realizing something, Christopher bit his lip and took hold of my elbow softly.
"I think you just answered my last question," He said quietly.
I looked up at him curiously. "Which was...?"
A light breeze blew off the water making me shiver as Christopher stepped away from me a little. He roughly tousled his tan hair and sighed.
"Remy," He paused again before pushing on. "I don't think we should see each other anymore."
"Wha...why?" The blow of his words were so surprising that I didn't notice the cold anymore.
"Because you don't want to be with me; you think you do, but you don't."
I tried to wrap my head around his words but it was too strange. It didn't make sense to me. "Chris-"
He put up a hand to stop me and looked directly in my eyes. "Remy, you don't love me. You love Spot."
The wind was knocked out of me as I found it acutely hard to breathe. My mouth opened as I tried to muster a response but only a croak made it past my lips. I was at a complete loss for words.
Love was a big word. And there was no doubt in my mind that I didn't love Christopher. Since losing my parents, I didn't think I loved anyone. I mean, sure I cared about the other newsies…they were, for lack of a better word, my family. And yeah, Spot had been there from the beginning, but did that mean I loved him any more than the others?
Many people had shared their opinions on the subject of Spot and I over the years but I never paid any heed to it. Aside from Switch, who was obsessed with the idea, most of the others only brought it up to tease us. But Christopher wasn't teasing and he certainly had nothing to gain.
Christopher asked, "Do you really not see it?"
The last month flashed through in my mind and I tried to pick at the pieces in order to find some sort of proof.
"The party? That girl you can't seem to stop grmbling about? Any of it coming together for you?"
I took myself back to the moment when Spot kissed her hand and felt the same anger and fear build up inside me. Ebony wasn't really a traitor to Brooklyn; she was a traitor to me. I hated her not because she threatened Brooklyn but because she's threatening to take away the things that mean the most to me - the people that mean the most to me - the boy that means the most to me.
I closed my eyes and sat down on a bench as realization hit me. I didn't even really hate Ebony, I may really, really, strongly dislike her, but I didn't hate her. No, I was just jealous of her.
"Damn it."
There was a sound of shuffling as Christopher sat next to me. "Well, now that we've figured that out..."
"What do I do?" I mumbled to myself and grabbed a hold of my hair in anxiety.
"You could tell him."
"What?!" I quickly stood up from the bench and shook my head vigorously. "No, no, no, no. No, that would be ridiculous. This is ridiculous! I can't...lo..." I couldn't even bring myself to say it, let alone think it.
"Ah come on Remy don't kid yourself." Christopher sat nonchalantly, his elbows resting on his knees.
This calm response was, I thought, pretty mature of him. It wasn't every day you find out the girl you are seeing is head over heels for someone else. Oh, damn. Now I'm admitting it to myself.
Heaving another large sigh, I sat back down. "You don't deserve me, Chris."
He let out a bitter laugh, "You don't give yourself enough credit Remy. You deserve much more then what even I can give you." His voice dropped as he continued, "It's him who doesn't deserve you."
To think that Spot didn't deserve me felt…wrong. The loneliness and anger I had been feeling ebbed a little at the thought of my friendship with Spot. So much of what he did for me went unnoticed. Looking back, I realized that it was me who had done so little for him and yet he was always there. Always the reliable, witty, pain in the ass that he was and I cherished that, even with his recent actions.
"I guess the very nature of love is that we don't deserve the people we want to be with. It's a good thing we don't keep score." I couldn't help but think I'd be the one loosing if we did.
It was dark when Christopher dropped me off a block away from the lodging house. He watched from a distance as I walked the last few yards alone. The building I have been calling home for so many years seemed ominous and there was nothing I wanted to do more at that moment then just run away but I knew I couldn't. I wasn't going to abandon everything just because of a silly feeling I may or may not have for Spot. That was just it. As I opened the door and walked up the stairway, I managed to convince myself that my feelings were fleeting; merely a crush that would disappear in a moments time. I was sure of it.
"Bruin can I talk ta youse for a sec?" Spot stood leaning against his doorway; his hat lazily askew on his head.
When my eyes fell on his steal blue ones, I felt a hitch in my breathing and an old familiar flop of my stomach. Okay, so maybe I wasn't so sure.
"Uh..." I continued to slowly inch my way to the girls room, doing my best to put as much space between Spot and I as possible. He eyed me curiously as I practically plastered myself against the opposite wall and gave a feeble yawn. "Ya know, I'm exhausted. Maybe tomorrow."
I was almost there, just a few more feet.
Spot pulled out his watch and raised his eyebrows. "It's hardly 8 o'clock."
"Really?" I tilted my head feigning wonder at the early time. "Funny. It feels so much later then that." An uncomfortable chuckle escaped my lips and knowing I was pushing my luck, I turned to quickly get in the room but I was stopped as Spot threw out his arm and rested his hand against the wall next to my shoulder.
He stared inquisitively down at me. I suppressed a shiver at the sudden closeness. "What's up wit you?"
That same bizarre chuckle came out as I responded in an unnaturally high voice, "Nothing. I'm perfectly normal."
"Bruin, for da past week youse done nothin but ignore me and send me doity looks. On top of dat," he pointed to his cheek with his free hand, "you slapped me! But now, all da sudden, youse 'normal'?"
The reminder of the past weeks' events brought a tiny bit of clarity to my confused thoughts. I shrugged and dipped under his arms. "It's amazing what a good nights sleep can do for a person."
I turned around and walked backwards as I spoke. "Which is why I'm headin to bed now." I smiled, "You should try it some time. It might-oof!" The doorframe slammed into my back painfully which cut me off. I nimbly stepped to the side and backed into the room with a sheepish grin. Before closing the door I poked my head into the hall, "Goodnight!" Leaving a confused and puzzled Spot in the hallway.
My bed could not have been a more welcoming sight as I collapsed on it and buried my face in the pillow. Once I allowed the events of the night to unfold again, I groaned loudly, hoping the thin material of the pillow would mask my frustration.
Since when did I let Spot Conlon get to me like that? I couldn't remember the last time I had made such a fool of myself!
"Way ta go Remsen." I muttered sulkingly to myself.
There was no way I could go around like this tomorrow. I had to pull it together. Today had been one hell of a wake up call that's for sure.
