Sex, Drugs, and Oblivian
3/21
Everything was different here at the Wall.
She didn't dare let Lucifer out of her sight. He'd been different since their meeting with Anilith at the Spire. She'd known taking him back there was a mistake. But of course, no one cared what she thought.
The incident broke Lucifer's trust in her. The way he shut down, refused to even look her in the eye anymore, let her know she'd failed him. All she could do now was carry on. She had her duty to Anilith, and she would honor it, but her duty to Lucifer came first.
He groaned in his sleep and she rolled toward him. She placed a hand on his chest, and it temporarily calmed him. The small bunk wasn't made for two, but it worked. They'd already had the habit of sleeping side by side, and she didn't want him unprotected at night. But there seemed to be something wrong inside him that manifested when they slept. He twitched and moaned, and she could see his eyes moving beneath his lids, as though they could see something that wasn't there. This wasn't the first time he'd behaved strangely while at rest, but this was worse than it had been before.
Maze grasped his hand and squeezed as he began making distressed noises. If she knew what was causing him pain, she would fix it. Lucifer's entire body twitched, and she tapped his cheek. "Lucifer."
He didn't respond. Not to her at least. Whatever tormented him continued on, and he writhed in pain, crying out. She pressed her hand over his mouth to muffle the sound. He flailed at her, body twisting, but she held fast. He drew in a deep shuddering breath and stopped struggling. She slid out of the alcove, dragging him along with her.
Was there a spider in the bunk? A beetle? He moved sluggishly, barely keeping himself from falling on the floor. Maze left him standing, groggily swaying on his feet as she searched the space. There was nothing. She grabbed his arm and turned him around, inspecting his skin for bite marks.
Nothing. "Are you injured?" she asked, and then shook him when he was too slow to answer.
"No, no I'm fine. Just tired. What are you doing?"
"You were in pain, I don't know why," she said and pushed him to sit down. "Were you attacked by something? Are you ill?"
"What? No. I woke you? I was…" he trailed off with a look that usually meant he was searching for a word.
"You were what?"
He frowned. "What do you call it, when you see things when you sleep?"
Maze shook her head. "When you sleep you sleep, you aren't thinking."
"You don't…go away?"
"Where did you go?"
"The Spire. Under it. I felt trapped-"
Maze grabbed his wrist. "Is Anilith using magic on you?"
"No, Maze." He pulled away and frowned, his gaze missing her in the dark. "I went there in my sleep."
She eyed him warily. Was it his power to roam with his mind?
"It wasn't real, Maze." He let out a long sigh. "I didn't mean to wake you." He patted until he found the edge of the bunk and shuddered, but climbed back in.
Maze lay down beside him, intent and watchful. They were both awake for a long time, though neither spoke. Lucifer scrunched as far as he was able to against the wall to avoid touching her, and she silently fumed. Why did he have to be so infuriating? She eventually felt him fall back asleep, and there were no more disturbances.
A routine set in. Maze woke at the sound of the bell that rang when the winds slowed. She joined the rest of the guard for a breakfast of meat over the fire. Lucifer began the habit of staying in their small alcove while the rest of the guards were gathered in the common area. It did no good for him to hide away and Mazikeen longed to drag him out with the others.
But Lucifer was different here. He was quiet and kept his head down. That kind of attitude would never help him integrate with the guards.
Mazikeen scraped every last bit of meat off the bone and then cracked it in half, and used it to pick at her teeth. When the meat was finished, the pot of water she'd set at the edge of the fire for Lucifer's porridge had come to a boil. She'd been bringing the hot water to him, since he refused to come to the fire, but the powder needed to cook thoroughly to be digestible. He hadn't protested, but she caught him holding his stomach when he thought she wouldn't notice. She frowned; there wasn't much fungus in the bowl he'd passed to her. Was he rationing his food? He'd been reluctant to hand the bowl over to her, only relenting when she snapped an order at him.
The guard's rations included enough of the poorest quality meat to live on, though not happily, and only a small portion of fungus for seasoning. No rations had been sent for Lucifer. She mentally kicked herself. They'd been here hands of ashfalls. Of course he was running low. She'd taken him to the market on their first free day. She'd been glad that he followed her closely and didn't cause a scene. Had he tried to draw her attention to the fungus stalls? They'd been right there. She shook her head. Needing to plan ahead for four full hands of ash between market visits must be foriegn to him when she had gone so frequently before.
She clenched her fist around the spoon. He didn't trust her enough to tell her of his mistake, but more than that, she should have noticed. Damn Anilith and damn her guard duty. At least obtaining more food for Lucifer was something she could fix.
Lucifer grew more distant and withdrawn each ashfall. She dragged him along with her to guard duty, but even in ashfall the winds were stronger on top of the wall and despite the mask pulled up over his face, the ash overwhelmed him quickly. He coughed longer each time they re-entered the barracks.
Even in sleep he was not safe.
He never told her more about where he went while asleep after the first time, but it was nowhere good. She nudged his arm, hoping that would be enough to quiet him for the night, but she doubted it. He grunted and rolled and quieted again. All the same, she tried falling back to sleep.
It didn't work. Lucifer grew restless again, groaned, his limbs moving randomly in distress. Maze sat up, hoping he'd settle and rest again. He released a low moan, and a pathetic whimper. Lucifer tensed, back arching in agony. His glamour fell away, returning him to the red, burned appearance he'd worn for so long. Mazikeen reacted in a heartbeat, one hand on his shoulder to hold him still and the other over his mouth to muffle the scream before it could escape.
His reaction was instantaneous, but she was ready. This too was becoming a common routine. He fought, trying to push her hands away, but Maze adjusted, straddling him, holding him down with her body and restraining his arms.
"Lucifer, Lucifer, stop, look at me," Maze ordered.
His struggles eased and he opened his eyes, staring up at her. She held onto him still, until she was sure he understood.
"The light, Maze, I need…"
Maze let him go and stood up, seeking out a candle to light. "Better?" She turned back to see Lucifer sitting up.
He nodded. "It happened again?"
"Yes."
"Maze—"
"I woke you before you made noise," she assured him. The other Lilim in the barracks hadn't been disturbed. This time.
He raised his hands, staring at the burned flesh for a moment and faltered, lowering them back to his lap. Slowly his skin smoothed as his glamour slipped back into place.
"We can't keep doing this," Maze whispered and crouched down at his side. "You told me a part of you goes somewhere else when you sleep. How do we stop it?"
He sighed. "We can't."
Maze felt her stomach twist at how raw Lucifer sounded. "You continue to be drawn to the Spire in your sleep?"
He nodded his head, lips tightly shut.
The sleep wandering had grown so much worse since their move to the barracks. Perhaps if she found a way to remove him from this place, he would fare better. And so, over the next few ashfalls, she arranged with the guard master to secure one of the empty, run-down domes close to the wall.
"We're moving back to our dome?" Lucifer asked after she told him to pack up his things.
"Not quite." She didn't miss the way his breathing hitched as he packed and she didn't. The alcove already looked too empty. She swallowed and reminded herself that he needed this and she couldn't be selfish.
He didn't speak until his things were all put away. His voice was soft as he said, "When we were called to the—"
She couldn't stand to talk about that while sending him away. "Not here, Lucifer. Come on."
His mouth snapped shut and he followed her to the new dome as quiet as a shadow. There were holes in the roof she needed to patch, and she would not trust it to withstand a storm, but it would be good enough. Lucifer set to work dusting and sweeping without being told, so she patched the holes, equally quietly.
They spent the ashfall cleaning and repairing, and moved the rest of his items in just before the winds picked up. He hovered near the door, glancing at her and then away as if he wanted to speak.
Maze put on her cloak.
"You're not staying?"
"Not this time. I will some winds, but I also have my duties, Lucifer. You'll live here. You can't stay in the barracks or stand watch with me anymore. It's not good."
He nodded. His head was down. She wanted to shake him. Tell him to look her in the eye as he used to, but force never worked with Lucifer.
"I'll be here when I can," Maze assured him.
