Chapter XXII

What in world had he been thinking?!? What in the world had possessed him to show up at Vera's and end up in bed with her?!

He knew this had been a mistake. A terrible one. But it had been his immediate, panicked reflex after Anna had kissed him. Fight or flight…and he had run, as far away as he possibly could. He realized now that he'd been trying to protect himself from her, and also to keep her safe from him.

Good god, Anna had actually kissed him! Her soft lips had been on his. Her lithe form had been pressed against his body. She had surrounded him, freely giving him the affection he had dreamt about for the last few months. It had been soft and slow…and John knew that Anna would have taken the next step, had he only let her. And that was the problem - he could not let her.

''I know you're awake, John,'' Vera said, out of the blue.

''What time is it?'' he asked, his eyes still closed. He was so ashamed that he couldn't face her. So he just lay there, naked as the day he was born, with his estranged wife beside him.

''Past four,'' Vera replied, and he could hear her lighting a cigarette. By the smell, he could tell that she still smoked the same brand that she had years ago, when they were together.

''So...'' she exhaled the smoke. ''...what's her name?''

''What?'' John's eyes shot open, and he turned his head to look at her. Did she know? Of course, she did. This was Vera. No matter what had happened between them, she still knew him. She knew how his mind worked.

''What are you talking about?'' he lied, but Vera was no fool.

''John...what's her name?'' she smiled softly and offered him the cigarette, which he accepted silently.

''Her name is Anna... Anna Smith,'' he whispered, after taking two long puffs, his hand shaking.

''Anna, hmmm...'' Vera smiled at him. They hadn't seen or spoken to each other in the past five years, but he was still the same John she had known and loved. ''What went wrong, then?''

''She kissed me…'' John returned the cigarette to her.

''So the reason you came running here tonight and slept with me is because the woman you're in love with...''

''Who said anything about love?!'' John exclaimed.

''...the woman you are in love with kissed you? Why?''

''But...'' He had no idea how she knew, but it scared him to hear the word spoken out loud.

''Why, John?''

''I...How do yo-…? I...I...I panicked.''

''Why?''

''Because...if I did love her and if, for some strange reason, she loved me back, at some point she would want more from me, from us. And I couldn't give her that.''

''What are you talking about?'' Vera turned onto her side and stared at him.

''I'm talking about marriage…and children…and...'' he exhaled. ''I couldn't give her any of that. I couldn't go through what we went through all over again. It almost killed me the first time around. I almost killed Rob, and...'' Tears spilled down his cheeks.

''Oh, John.'' Vera pulled him into her arms and he went gladly, tucking his head under her chin. ''I know it's hard, but you can't live like this. You can't go and sleep with me just because you're afraid of getting hurt. If you love her, let her know. Life is too precious to waste on fear.''

''I know, but...''

"No buts. Look at me." He looked up at her. "I love you, John…I always will…but...you have to let yourself be happy. I'm sure David wouldn't want to see his daddy sad and alone.'' Vera looked him in the eye. ''And I don't want you to be sad and alone…afraid of something that might never happen.''

''After all this time...I don't think I know how not to be anything but those things.''

''But you can find your way.'' Vera smiled at him gently. ''You are still the same man I met all those years ago, John. We went through hell and back, me and you, but you are still the kindest, sweetest man I have even known. And I know we never talked about it, but you weren't the reason we didn't work in the end. I should have stayed; I should have been there for you when you were hurting, but I wasn't. I was stupid enough to think that I was the only one grieving, and that was selfish and wrong of me. And I'm sorry for that, I truly am.''

By this point their faces were both wet with tears. There was so much history between them, good and bad, but this was the first time they had talked about everything that had happened 10 years ago. And god, it felt good…like a burden was being lifted.

''I'm sorry,'' John whispered, and hugged her tight. "I'm so sorry.''

''You have nothing to be sorry about.'' She kissed the top of his head. ''Well, except maybe running away from that girl of yours and sleeping with me. What were you thinking?'' She smacked his head teasingly.

''I don't know…I wasn't thinking.'' John put some space between them, and looked at her again. ''I just...I don't think I'm ready. Maybe I'll never be.''

''Oh, my dear John, but you are.'' Vera smiled softly at him and brushed the tears from his cheeks. ''Whatever am I going to do with you?'' she chuckled.

''I don't know.'' He shook his head. ''I thought I would feel different after this, but...''

''You feel worse, don't you?''

''I do. I'm sorry for coming here tonight. I just...''

''I know.'' She rested her palm on his chest. ''And even if it had felt OK in the moment, this isn't the answer. If you love her, you need to tell her.''

''But should I really?'' John raised his eyebrows. ''What could I even say to her? Hey, Anna, guess what? I slept with my ex after our first kiss. Can I be your boyfriend now?'' he said mockingly, and knew he had no chance in hell of getting Anna to understand why he had done what he did.

''Well, not exactly like that, but...just be honest. Does she know about David?''

''No.'' John shook his head. ''She knows where I spend Mondays, but that's it. I haven't told her. And then yesterday, Alex Green said something...''

''Green? What is he…?''

''It's a long story.''

''Is he the reason for…'' She pointed at his bruised lip.

''Yeah.''

''I do hope he looks worse.''

''I'm not proud of it, but yes, he does.'' John gave her a weak smile. He knew that Green wouldn't let him off easily. He had really blown it. He had jeopardized the whole project by losing control. He didn't care if Green came after him, but his team - it wasn't fair to them.

''Good. I don't know what he did, but I'm sure he deserved it.'' Vera knew what Green was like. She hadn't liked him. And she had never forgiven how he'd screwed John over when they had worked together.

''Now…back to the lovely Miss Smith. I think you should tell her about David, about us.''

''Vera…''

''No, just listen. If you do feel the way I think you do, you have to tell her. She deserves to know the truth…to know what's holding you back. All of it. It's not fair to keep her in the dark, John, and you know it,'' Vera said, her eyes filled with emotion. ''Just be honest. And if she feels the same way you do, she will understand and love you even more for what you have been through.''

''But what if she doesn't?'' He knew that she liked him, but that she might feel something more was just too much to hope for…even though she had kissed him.

''You wouldn't be here if she didn't.'' Vera smiled at him. ''You're a good man, John Bates. Give yourself a chance…give her a chance. I'm not saying you have to forget about what has happened, but you have to let go of the past. It's time.''

''Thank you.'' He kissed her cheek. She was right. He could not continue living like this; he had to take a chance. He started to get out of bed, but Vera tugged on his arm.

''You can stay the night.''

''But...''

''John, it's the middle of the night.''

''Yes, but...''

''Just stay. Get some rest. We'll have breakfast in the morning, talk a little more, make a plan, and then you can go to her.''

''What about Richard?''

''I told you, he's out of town.'' John pulled his boxers on, then lay back down.

''Will you tell him about this?'' he asked, as he made himself comfortable next to her.

''No,'' she replied. ''We both agreed to have an open relationship. He travels all the time and, as you know, I'm not the kind of woman who could sit and wait for her man to find the time in his busy schedule to see her. But it works for us.''

''Are you happy?'' John asked, and it took her a few moments to answer.

''I am. Not the way I used to be, but I am.'' She smiled at him.

''Good. Because I want you to be,'' John said, and he meant it.

''And I want the same for you, Johnny.''

''It's been years since anyone called me that,'' he chuckled, and remembered how good they had once been together. ''And I still hate it.'' He laughed again.

''I know,'' Vera laughed with him. ''We can still be friends, you know?''

''I'd love that,'' John smiled.

''Good. Come on, now - let's get some sleep. You've got an important day ahead of you.''

''Yeah.'' He nodded and pulled the covers up to his chin.

''Good night, Johnny,'' she said, and turned onto her other side, her bare back staring directly at him.

''Good night.'' After a few moments of complete silence, he ventured, ''Vera?''

''Hmmm?'' she mumbled, already half asleep.

''Thank you.''


beta: annambates! xoxo the perfect parter in crime! thank you!well, well, well...16 reviews on the last chapter...see? you can do it! hahah keep up the good work or I'll write something much worse... ️and thanks to all the guests!