June 1868

For weeks, we tried to take back Komine but without success. Their cannons were installed inside the castle in ruins and now, they had the higher ground. Our forces, once of more than 2500 men were reduced to 1400 before we decided to retreat. The daimyo was killed, the generals too and their replacers weren't strategists. A broken chain of command was a heavy toll on our army and the moral was as low as ever with the news that were coming to us.

The Denshutai and Hijikata-san came back from Utsunomiya, completely defeated. Hijikata-san's shoulder injury was slowly healing but he wouldn't be able to fight before another two months according to Chizuru. The vice-commander was pissed about it but Chizuru was firm. It was necessary for him to rest and not move his shoulder during that time otherwise he may never be able to swing his sword again. Grudgingly, he accepted to do what he was told and didn't move his shoulder. He was taking it with humor though, making little jokes about using his left hand to eat and how I could do it with so much ease. I was glad to see that the defeat in the north didn't make his spirit disappear.

Since he was unable to write, or badly since he was trying with his left hand, I took matter in my own hands and became kind of his personal secretary. I was ordinating the paperwork and replying to mail in his place, writing down what he was dictating me. Another defeat came to our ears in the battle of Ueno a week ago.

Although Lord Tokugawa Yoshinobu and Lord Katsu Kaishuu surrendered Edojo while we were in Kofu-Katsunuma, loyalists refused to surrender the castle and occupied it. They were calling themselves the Shôgitai and according to our informations, both Harada and Nagakura were enrolled in that corp. They managed to keep the castle for more than two months but when Omura Masujiro, the commander of the imperial troops announced a massive attack to flush them out, half of their men fled in fear, deserting days before the battle. 450 men of the Shôgitai gathered at Kan'ei temple and they were attacked from the Kuromon gate and from behind the temple with no less than 13 modern cannons. From our informations, both Harada and Nagakura were killed in action that day and the SatCho took control of the temple and the castle.

I had to tell Chizuru even if I feared her reaction. She took Souji's death with dignity but we all knew that death was upon Souji and we were even glad that he died the way he chose and not in his bed. Harada and Nagakura, that was different... And our farewell resonated in my mind when I told her. She cried uncontrollably and Haruhi cried too. That war was taking all of us, one by one. Inoue, Yamazaki, Tetsuya and my unit, Kondou-san, Souji, Harada, Nagakura... and we didn't have any news from Sannan and Toudou, that Hijikata-san sent on his tracks. Maybe they were both dead too... or they surrendered to madness, out of medecine. The death of our friends was lingering above our heads like a bad omen. Yet, no one ever spoke about quitting. Chizuru was still attending all the sick and injured, Hijikata-san still had the will to fight back and I would follow orders, just like I always did.

A ray of light in our lives though, was that Chizuru's belly was eventually growing, showing that the baby was still there and healthy. She was less stressed now that she was in her fourth month. The risk of loosing it really dropped, she told me. I was fascinated by her round little belly and she was too, touching it even more now that she was reassured and her mind was turned towards the futur. I was glad for her to be pregnant in that instant so she could focus on life, instead of death.

Haruhi was helping a lot around the camp and mostly, a lot of warriors thought she was a boy which was keeping her safe even in a big camp like ours where there could be a lot of derives. She was keeping her hands and mind busy and I knew it was her way to deal with the fact that she killed and the mourning of her friends. With her western uniform and her short hair, she easily passed for a page and warriors were giving her a lot of ingrate tasks but she never complained. I think she wanted to show Hijikata-san that she could be an asset too, just like Chizuru. She was spending a lot of time with him even if I was intimately persuaded that she was annoying him more than helping him. Yet, he let her bring him tea, food, cleaning aroud his tent and do his laundry and always thanked her for it. Under his mask of authority, Hijikata-san had always been a kind and just man.

One day, he asked her about the katana she was wearing. He recognized it as being Kondou-san's even if the commander never fought with it. She told him about Souji and Kondou-san's rescue and how he left it in her hands. I thought that Hijikata-san would ask her to give it to him. He was Kondou-san's student and a disciple of Tennen Rishin Ryû after all so logically, the sword should end up being his, but he didn't and just smiled faintly. He told her that when his shoulder would be healed, he would personally make sure that she deserved the chrysanthemum crest sword so she'd better be prepared. The kid took it very seriously and she was training a lot with some of the warriors and even occasionally with Chizuru and I, although I wasn't sure that swordfighting was wise with Chizuru's condition. I didn't say anything though, it had no point. She wouldn't listen anyway and on the other hand, I liked the idea that she could protect herself and the little one if one day, I was to fail in protecting her.

Since our encampment was supposed to be only a backup unit and wait for further orders, our life was pretty peaceful when we were trying to ignore the damocles sword above our heads. We had time on our hands and most soldiers were playing cards or dice every evening. We let them but controlled that there weren't any bids or money games. This could really bring a lot of tensions into the encampment so all money games were banned and the people not respecting the rules, severely punished. The sake was also restricted to one cup per soldier per night and all the bottles were confiscated to avoid any drunken confrontation.

I personally wasn't taking part in these games but I saw Keisuke and Haruhi play cards and dices. The men were laughing at her since she didn't seem to be very good or know the rules very well and of course, no one were explaining them to her. Yet, she was playing anyway and since there wasn't any money bets, it was innocent enough for me to let her enjoy these games. She wasn't allowed to do it at nighttime though and was supposed to have a curfew at the tent before the sun set down, which she respected diligently but the sun was down later now that summer was at our door. The days were getting longer and it was more agreeable to live in tents now that it wasn't raining most of the time. The kid was out all the time, playing, doing chores or training which was convenient for me because I didn't need to check on her all the time and keep her occupied. I had my hands and mind free to work and take care of Chizuru, even if she was repeating me most of the time that she didn't need my help.

I didn't care. I helped anyway, in my own way. I wanted to be involved in this pregnancy as much as she was and now that her belly was taking form, a change appeared in me too. Now in my mind, the child wasn't something as foreign as a spirit. It was there, truly there. I was feeling completely in awe about it and I wanted to be a part of it and not let her endure everything on her own. It was my child, even if I couldn't meet it yet. In my heart and mind, I was already a father.