Chapter 21: Broken Hearts

We love life, not because we are used to living but because we are used to loving.

- Friedrich Nietzsche


Mikhail's Audio Journal 18.09.2010

Being in a relationship for the first day does feel refreshing, kind of like being born again. You wake up to a whole new world filled with beauty and anticipation. Was this a love that is meant to last? It is too early to tell.

While it seemed everything was going well for Alicia and I, there was a romance I knew was how should I say? On the rocks. As the one now reveling in happiness, I felt it was my duty to fix the hearts that were broken.


Alicia and I did arrive back at the cabin, trying to find our way in the dark. Thanks to my experience of guiding myself through the dark and navigational skills, I got us home safely. When we got there we saw Madison was outside sitting on the swing bench and looking relieved we returned home safe. Madison embraced her daughter, obviously having assumed the possibility Alicia and I were ambushed by bandits or attacked by walkers.

Once we were inside we were sat at the table with coco and Madison would ask about the date. I let Alicia do the talking and she would only talk about the date in vague details, nothing that gave her the idea that Alicia and I were now officially a couple. It became clear Alicia did not want to tell her mother yet that we were a couple, presumingly on the account she was seeing me and not wanting to announce it to everyone.

Once we finished our coco we agreed that it was time for bed and we went to our own sleeping quarters. I would lie on the couch which had been my bed ever since I got here, but I knew tonight wouldn't be my bed. My bed I would be sharing with Alicia, which I was already excited about, too excited I couldn't sleep.


I waited until it was quiet, so quiet I couldn't hear the floorboards creak. Slowly I got myself on my feet, feeling the adrenaline that pumped through my body before combat engagement. I administered my stalking tactic and tried to sneak to Alicia's room undetected.

I came across Alicia's door and saw it was open and Alicia was peeking through the open door greeting me with an appetent jaunty smile. She beckoned me to come to her door and I silently and cunningly accelerated to the door where I squeezed through.

I sat on the bed hoping her to follow and climb onto the bed with me, but she stood near the door just glaring at me like a teacher who spots one of her pupils misbehaving. Her fingers tapped against the door frame like she was playing a piano, obviously signaling that she was waiting for something.

When I got off the bed and approached her she lifted a smile on her face, looking more gratified I was doing what she wanted me to do. I could see she was wearing a blue silk nightdress, which perplexed me where she could get something so extravagant and elegant, unless she got it as a gift. At this time it didn't matter, all what mattered was how captivating and enticing she looked. Her long lavish curly hair hung down her shoulders and she freshened up with a little splash of perfume.

I stood by Alicia and looked submissive, waiting for me to do something audacious which was something I did next. I grabbed Alicia with an arm around her back and the other behind her legs, as I lifted her feet off the ground and carried her like a princess to her bed. Her reaction was of surprise, it was if she was not expecting it.

I gently placed her on the double bed and she gave me a surprise of her own by grabbing me by the collar of my shirt and kissing me. With her lips around mine, she then proceeded to strip off my shirt. She then pushed me onto my back so she could play with my stomach muscles. Her fingers tenderly stroking my belly caused my muscles to twitch in tittilation. Then she unbuckled my belt and zipped down my flies. From this moment on I knew what she was intending.

„Alicia I….." I tried to explain to Alicia, but she interrupted me with her face close to fine and a finger on my lips.

„Shh Mikhail, just relax okay and by the way, I'm not wearing any panties," revealed Alicia with a seductive flutter of her eyelashes. „Look," instructed Alicia, lifting up her dress to show she had no panties on. Her skin was serene and peachy, no scars sustained after all that time engaged in conflict and near death experiences.

I did feel powerless and unable to articulate the words I wanted to say to her. I wanted to tell her stop, but before I could say another word to her, her hand clawed my underwear. She pulled them down exposing my genitals. Alicia hovering me attempting to make love to me was overpowering, kind of like when I encountered my first walker and I was paralyzed from the waist down.

Alicia grabbed the bottom of her nightdress and begun to strip, but before she exposed her breasts and I pleaded, „Alicia please, please stop."

Alicia stopped, looked at me and questioned, „What's the matter Mikhail, you don't want to do it?"

„Da I do, I mean… Alicia listen, I'm sorry, it's just… well I'm not ready," I explained, trying not to hurt Alicia's feelings.

Alicia hesitated, looked down with her eyes directed at my still uncovered genitals. „I can tell you're not ready because it doesn't look ready," remarked Alicia.

„Alicia it's not you believe me it's just well… I think it's too soon. We've only been together for less than a day and it's all happening too fast."

Alicia looked at me funny and concurred, „Okay, it's just we live in a world where the dead walk and people are killing each other. Thought you'd think this would be the best time to have intercourse, after all, you don't think things will ever be normal again do you?"

I thought about it before answering Alicia's skepticism, „Da you are right, things might never be the same again. At some point we will be forced to take up arms and fight even if it means there might never be peace and order restored."

„Aren't you ever going to make love to me?" asked Alicia putting on a sad face and stroking my stomach muscles.

„Alicia of course I am, I want to make love to you. It's just I want to give it a little more time, when we both feel ready."

Alicia frowned in confusion, „Okay, understandable."

„We can still cuddle and kiss. I like that."

„Okay let's do that then."

Alicia slumped her body onto mine and endowed me with lustful kisses. We were kissing for some time, until we felt sapped with energy and tried to go to sleep while engaging in conversation.

While Alicia rested her head on mine I caught a glimpse of something on her lower arm next to her elbow joint. It was in the shape of a heart but it was drawn in a line that outlined and spiraled inwards to form the shape of a heart. This was something that connected me to the past, back when Matt and I had just become friends. Experiencing a flashback, I found myself out in the bright warm sun and on the playground. I had a pink chalk in my hand and I could see right beside me was Matt as a kid drawing on the concrete slabs. Matt was drawing on one slab and I was about to draw on my own slab. Me not being the artist was uncertain what to draw and Matt would just tell me to use my imagination, just be impulsive and draw the first thing that comes to mind.

I placed the pointy end of the chalk on the surface and decided to draw a line, a curved line. Undecided where I would direct the chalk next, I did exactly what Matt advised me and went with my impulses. I stopped in certain areas and drew the chalk line inwards.

After I was done I looked at what I've finished drawing and it was a heart, a rigid shaped heart in a spiral.

Matt looked over my shoulder laughed, „You drew a heart. What compelled you to draw a heart? Are you in love?" Matt was looking at me smiling as if he was about to laugh.

Feeling embarrassed, I denied, „Nyet nyet, a map of India. Nyet, a diamond that's right a diamond, a spirally diamond."

Matt laughed and said, „Mikhail there's nothing to be ashamed of. My dad told me that hearts are not just for loving and for pumping blood all over your body, no hearts are more than that. It's the most sensitive organ in our body, well not scientifically speaking. Whatever your mind tells you and how you respond is felt in the depths of your heart. Whatever you feel, whatever you choose to do you must always follow whatever your heart tells you."

This quote Matt gave me always etched in my memory and has resonated from time to time. It's unfortunate that this wasn't something Matt aways abided by, that was until he became a bigot and tried to tell me what to think and who to be.

When our friendship was officially over, I was reminded with an experience of heartbreak that Matt wasn't kidding. The emotions are felt in the heart and the pain of losing a friend was like a hot sharp blade plunged right in there. It was only until I saw Alicia did my once broken heart heal and start beating again.

„Mikhail what are you doing?" asked Alicia rebukingly.

I snapped out of my flashback unaware I was stroking Alicia's tattoo with my finger the whole time.

„Alicia I'm sorry it's just…"

„You're admiring my tattoo?"

„Well erm it's very pretty."

„Thank you. I did it myself."

„Really?"

„Yeah, it was painful, but well worth the effort."

„I see."

I then pondered on how Alicia got the same symbol I designed on her arm. Then it occurred to me that Matt did take pictures of all the drawings he did and obviously kept my drawing as part of his collection. Matt must have drawn that heart on Alicia's arm and Alicia tattooed over it in black ink. She did a neat job I must say. Why Matt drew that heart on Alicia's arm became another mystery to me, does it have something to do with me?

„Alicia can I ask you something?" I asked.

„Sure."

„About Jake I was wondering if…"

„If I slept with him?"

„Da, that's what I wanted to ask." I was already feeling the tension and ready for Alicia to reveal to me whether she was a virgin or not.

„No Mikhail, we kissed but we didn't have sex." It was a relief to hear that Alicia did not have sex with Jake, I was lost for words until I felt Alicia stroke under my chin and ask, „Why, are you jealous?"

„Absolutely," I said sarcastically.

„Did you think that just because I kissed him I'm in love with him?"

„Well I…"

„You don't have to be in love to kiss you know."

„Da, that's what Ofelia told me."

„Why, does she know?"

„Da, if it weren't for her. I would have never found you."

The conversation halted and I thought briefly about Ofelia and how she was doing with her father.

„So why did you pick me instead of Jake?"

„Dumbass, isn't it obvious? I'm not in love with Jake, I just find him hot. I was close to having sex with him, but then I thought about you. At that moment I couldn't bring myself to give my virginity to him."

„Why's that?"

„What do you think dumbass?"

„Because you wanted it to be with someone special?"

„Exactly," responded Alicia, tapping my nose. „And don't you dare ask who that special person is."

„Nyet I won't… the answer is obvious. Anyway, as much as I admit I was jealous of Jake, I kind of miss him as a friend."

„He was your friend?"

„Da, if it weren't for him I wouldn't have got far. It's just unfortunate him and I became enemies after he accused me of murdering his father."

„You didn't kill him did you?"

„Nyet it was Marc Antony, I only gave Walker his severed head."

„Well Jake did talk about you."

„Pravda, what did he say?"

„He said, „I hope Mikhail looks after you and he treats you right"."

„I do regret him and I never got to apologize, but at least we buried the hatchet."

„Well enough about Jake, he's in the past. Now lets talk about us and our future."

Talking about the future was a big step for me. Now that my heart is like a vast ocean and the world in my eyes has become a more vibrant place, I said the first thing that pops in my head.

„Our future, hm that's an interesting subject. First we need to find a new place where everyone can be provided with shelter for the winter."

„I was thinking about us dumbass, what are we going to do now that we're boyfriend and girlfriend?"

„Oh that future, let me think. First I think I need to teach you how to fight."

„Ooh this is getting interesting, you going to teach me how to fight like hmmm I don't know…. Wonder Woman?"

„Maybe not exactly like Wonder Woman, but you'll become a real badass I promise you."

„And one thing you must promise me is that you'll have sex with me right after we've found a new place to live."

„I promise, I promise by then I'll be ready."

After promising to Alicia I would have sex after relocation, time froze and I thought back on my promise. I knew that sooner or later I would have to have sex with Alicia because that would be the next step in our relationship. It was reasonable I turned her first offer down after only being in a relationship for less than a day, but I knew after many nights sleeping beside her, I would be ready for sex.

Alicia and I eventually would decide it was late and it was time to go to sleep. We lay on our sides, facing each other and close to one another. Seeing how beautiful she looked and how lush her lips looked, I inclined myself towards her face to kiss her one more time before I would close my eyes before going to sleep. As much as I enjoyed kissing her lips, I knew one was enough. It's time to let my princess get some sleep until we wake up to a new beautiful morning.


When my eyes were closed and I drifted off into sleep, I had a nightmare about me getting bitten and Alicia tearfully volunteering to put me down before I turned. I remember whispering to Alicia, „It's okay princess, do it… put me down… I love you." Alicia had a tear roll down her eye, held her breath before pulling the trigger with a flash spitting out of her rifle.

I woke up in shock and saw I was alive and that Alicia was laying right beside me still asleep. Alicia did moan and flinch a little, but her eyes were still closed. I was about to lie back down and go back to sleep, but then I heard a voice out of nowhere disturb me.

„Hello Mikhail my bruv."

I turned to see someone standing beside Alicia, it was Matt. My old apparition come to visit me, probably to talk about the obvious.

„Matt what are you doing here?"

„Shhh, the baby is sleeping. Don't want to wake her up now do you?"

„Nyet I don't."

„Then let's take it in the kitchen," suggested Matt, pointing his finger to the door.

„Da let's do it," I acquiesced and silently left the room with Matt.

Matt and I went into the kitchen where he sat himself at the table and I prepared to boil some water and prepare tea.

„Mikhail what are you doing?" asked Matt.

„I'm preparing us some tea."

„A little too late for tea don't you think?"

„What I thought you like tea, you used to drink it whenever we visited my grandma's."

„Well it kind of takes long, plus I'm feeling like a proper drink. Break out the vodka."

The ‚v' word immediately put the taste of that strong overpowering sensation in my mouth, like a mouthful of acid.

For Matt's sake and giving into his request I agreed, „Okay let's drink vodka then."

I got Matt a glass and poured a splash of vodka in.

„Aren't you going to have some too?" wondered Matt.

„Nyet," I bluntly responded.

„You don't seem to like vodka do you?"

„Nyet, I don't know what you Americans think about us Russians, but not all Russians like vodka and I'm one of them."

„Ah Mikhail be a man and learn to drink the good stuff."

„Akh please that stuff burns, it's like drinking acid with your insides burning."

„Your body will get used to it. Come on don't be a wimp and have a vodka with me."

Feeling reluctant in my bones and inclined to stubbornly refused, I looked at Matt smiling and gave into his plea and got myself a glass.

„Na zdorov'ye," said Matt in perfect pronunciation, holding up his glass.

„Na zdorov'ye," I responded apathetically and we banged glasses and knocked down the stuff.

Matt's reaction when necking down the vodka was different than mine. He winced and scrunched his face. He repeatedly slammed against his chest and breathed in and out raucously.

„Damn that is strong stuff. You weren't lying that shit sets your insides on fire," coughed Matt.

I knew how Matt felt, my reaction wasn't like his. I was able to tolerate the stuff going down and I was already feeling a raging fire inside my belly. This was the same vodka Madison and I drunk and she was able to handle it, being the tough mother she is.

„So now we've had a drink, I suppose it's time we talked serious," suggested Matt, giving me the same look a teacher gives a misbehaved student after class.

„About what?"

„About Alicia dumbass."

Matt calling me a dumbass didn't come out as well when Alicia called me that, because when it came from her it was cute. Coming from Matt it was just a parody and reference.

„Akh Alicia… right… Alicia. Well it's official we're going out, sorry if you don't like it."

„Did I say I didn't like it?"

„Nyet, I thought you'd disapprove."

„What am I going to do about it? I'm dead and the one thing I wanted was for Alicia to move on and be happy."

„Well our relationship is barely a day old, it's too early to tell if she's happy."

„Oh right that was the reason you turned her down when she offered herself to you."

„I think you misunderstand the meaning of sex Matt. When it's between a man and a woman who love each other, sex should be something special and not something one is coerced into because they think they should."

„You're right about that bruv, Alicia and I didn't have sex when we started dating. In fact, I was planning to after I arranged a date at the beach. We would watch the sun go down and then go back to my place where my parents weren't home and then do it."

Matt's story of how he planned to make love to Alicia resonated with my date with Alicia. We both watched the sun go down came back, oblivious to the fact Alicia intended to have sex with me. Turning her offer down was the right decision and I don't regret it.

„Let me guess, you got bit and didn't show up."

„Ten points bruv, kind of sucks if you ask me. I was about to get laid and I became one of the first victims of this viral outbreak."

Reflecting on Matt's misfortune did renew my sympathy for him, he had everything planned for a beautiful and passionate night and it was all taken away by the cruel hand of fate.

„Da it kind of does suck, maybe I'll die before I get laid."

„That's why you need to keep fighting Mikhail. Fight for her, be her hero."

„I wont be doing all the fighting, Alicia can fight. I'm going to teach her how to be a better fighter. Together we'll survive and fight for a better future."

„Well said Mikhail," applauded Matt, „Whatever you do don't wait too long, Alicia is going to want to get laid and if you keep turning her down, she'll think that you don't love her."

„You're right Matt, you're absolutely right," I agreed. I stood up and took the glasses to the sink to wash them and asked Matt the question I've been meaning to ask him, „By the way Matt, I have to ask the mother of all question. Why did you betray me to Marc Antony?"

I turned to look at his face as he would tell me the truth, but as I did he was gone. He was not sitting at the table and he was nowhere to be found in the kitchen. I called his name and he didn't respond. It was like he just vanished and proved to only be a delusion. With Matt gone I decided it was best to get back into bed with Alicia and hope she hasn't woken up to not find me by her side.

I snuck into the bedroom without making the door creak and walked to my side of the bed where Alicia suddenly rolled to face me. Her arm was outstretched and she glided her hand up and down just to feel an empty space.

„Mikhail, where'd you go?"

„I'm here Alicia."

„What are you doing out of bed?"

„Em I needed the bathroom, sorry."

Alicia slapped her hand on her bed and longingly demanded, „Come to bed."

„Da."

I eagerly and slowly slipped myself back into bed and gently took Alicia in my arms. Alicia rested her head on my chest as I lay on my back and had my arm around Alicia. While I stared at the ceiling and looked at Alicia's head on my chest, I heard her groan and felt her hand stroke my abs. This tenderly touch Alicia was applying to my abs I didn't know whether it was love or physical attraction. Knowing that Alicia was using my chest as a pillow and she was stroking my body with an affectionate purr convinced me it was love and I wanted to believe it was. It didn't matter what the status and meaning of the relationship was, only that I kissed Alicia and she was in my arms. Now I can do the one thing I haven't done in a long time, sleep in a nice warm bed with my girlfriend and wake to a new happy and exciting day.


The first thing I noticed before I was waking up was Alicia's voice tingling in my ear. „Mikhail, are you awake?"

„I'm awake," I responded, without opening up my eyes because they were glued shut.

„No you're not, your eyes are closed."

After a long pause, I again heard Alicia's voice and her fingers stroking my belly.

„Mikhail get up, I'm hungry."

„Okay, I'll get up. I just need a few more seconds."

Then I felt Alicia hover over me and her lips on mine. Just what I needed, a morning kiss to wake me up. Unfortunately it didn't wake me up, it only compelled me to go back to sleep again.

„Mikhail get up," Alicia raised her voice and hammered her fist on my left shoulder.

This shot me out of bed and yelp in pain, I found myself sitting on the floor with my back against my side of the bed, nursing the pain. It was clear Alicia hit me right where I sustained a bruise from firing that 50 calibre rifle I used to shoot down the helicopter.

„Oh come on Mikhail I barely touched you," tutted Alicia.

„You hit me right on the bruise."

„Oh Mikhail I'm sorry," apologized Alicia sincerely. She wrapped her arms around me neck and kissed me on the cheek. I looked down at my bruise and saw it was bright yellow, only in bright sunlight was it directly visible.

Without warning, the door opened and there standing by the door was Madison. At first she walked in casually as if she was waking her daughter up, but then her facial expression turned to shock and surprise. I was sitting on the side of the bed (topless) and Alicia still had her arms around my neck. We were both staring at Madison's still shocked, but non-angry face.

Madison smiled and said, „Breakfast is ready you two."

Madison left the room looking happy and content, leaving Alicia and I to get dressed appropriately for the breakfast table.

Breakfast wasn't the stereotypical excessive amount of food that Americans normally eat for breakfast, but a more light cooked breakfast consisting of eggs and toast. I was expecting Madison to cook me some American pancakes, but our food supply was limited so we had to make do. Nonetheless it was well cooked and the eggs were well seasoned, Madison sure knew her spices.

Madison didn't join us for breakfast, she just made herself a cup of coffee and just sat calmly at the table, as if she wanted to begin a discussion.

„Mikhail, can I have a moment alone with Alicia please?" requested Madison.

„Sure," I obeyed, „I'll go out for a cigarette."

„They're bad for you," remarked Alicia as I got off my chair.

„I know I know. I'll cut down I promise," I said as I walked outside to have a cigarette in the cool breezy outdoors.


I sat on the swing bench, enjoying the rising sun and the song of birds chirping while enjoying a cigarette. When I said to Alicia I'd cut down on my nicotine intake, I really meant it. I would have a cigarette after meals or after a long grueling fight. Only after a full stomach and catching my breath after a fight did a cigarette taste so good and really felt rewarding. The question was whether I would give up smoking after finding a solution to cutting back on how many I smoke a day? As much as I did enjoy smoking, I did know that these burning sticks out of tobacco and paper would kill me. I didn't want to die, I want to live. Now I'm with Alicia and have finally found happiness, I became more health conscious and decided I was going to live healthier.

One thing I still had in my possession was the lollipop Mina gave me. They do say lollipops are one of the best substitutes to quitting smoking, which was something I'm working towards. Unfortunately I only have one in my possession.

„Hey Mikhail, how's it going?" greeted Nick warmly and sitting on the bench swing next to me.

„Hey Nick," I greeted back.

„Do you have a spare fag?"

„Da, I do."

I whipped out my packet of cigarettes and lighter for Nick.

„So I've heard that it's official now between you and Alicia," said Nick, blowing the smoke out of his lungs.

This corroboration from Nick made me assume that he overheard Madison and Alicia's private talk, which I agreed not to interfere with.

„Da it is true," I admitted with sweet conceit.

„How does it feel to be a boyfriend?" asked Nick in a jokingly manner.

„Feels honored to carry that title, but most of all it feels great. It feels really great."

„Yeah well now that you're Alicia's new boyfriend, you do understand she's still my little sister. You have to treat her well and not use her for sex, do you hear me?"

The tone in Nick's voice was firm and should be intimidating, but I wasn't intimidated, because I knew sex was the last thing on my mind.

„Da I do, but to be honest, I don't think about sex."

„No?"

„Having sex is and should be a part of being love, but only when two consent. Just because I'm in love with Alicia doesn't mean I want to get inside your sister," realizing what I just said, I apologized, „Sorry that didn't come out right."

Nick instead smiled and said, „No problemo, I understand what you are saying. One thing that's always concerned me about anyone dating my sister is that they will use her for sex and then break up with her. I feared the same with her last boyfriend, I thought he only acted charming just to get lucky."

Nick gave me the hint that he didn't like Matt and never trusted him. Rather than continue to talk about Matt as a subject, I decided to ask Nick questions about him.

„So how are things with Luciana?"

„Oh well we've been talking about whether we're going to be staying here."

„I know right. Winter is coming and we need to find shelter for everyone."

„No not the winter. Luciana wants me to go with her to Mexico and rescue her people, but I'm unsure about that. She offered me the chance back at the ranch and left without giving me the chance to decide, now she's offering me the opportunity again and I'm still unsure."

„Understandable, you're burdened with the choice to stay with your family or leave with the woman you love."

„I know, kind of sucks when you're stuck with decisions you don't want to make."

„Da well, unfortunately for me, I didn't have a real family. My grandma died, my father disappeared and all I have was Alicia. She is the only path for me in life."

„Well Mikhail, I'm sorry to hear about your family and I'm sorry you don't understand what it's like to know you love and care for your family, but having to sacrifice a chance of romance."

„Well if Luciana means so much to you, then you should go with her."

„I know I know. I left my family once, I don't think I could leave them again."

Feeling disturbed by Nick abandoning his family propelled me to ask him a question.

„Why did you leave your family?"

„I don't know why, I guess I didn't like the way things changed. Not only with the world but my family as well. My mother committed murder and I could never look at her in the same way again."

The idea of Madison committing murder was shocking, and so was Alicia's revelation to me that she too committed murder. I abated the shock and condoned Madison's action with an understanding that part of surviving in this world is adapting to the changes, and killing just to survive.

„Why did you come back?"

„I didn't really come back. I was enjoying my new start in life with Luciana. My family found me thanks to you of course. It was only when living on the ranch did I decide to stick with my family, but unfortunately Luciana didn't want to stay and that's why she left."

„Why did she leave?"

„Because she wanted to find her people and because Jeremiah Otto was a racist asshole. Can you imagine a Latino living in a place where she would be segregated and treated like a second class citizen?"

„Da, I don't blame her. Almost the same treatment I got just because I'm Russian."

„Yeah well people loved you afterwards and you know why."

„Da I do."

There was a pause in my conversation with Nick until he finished his cigarette and discarded the butt.

„Anyway I've been thinking. If I knew where you were, I would come and visit. That way I could leave with Luciana and come and visit."

„True, but where? It would have to be a permanent place of residency and not temporary shelter."

„You're right. Until then, I have to try Luciana's patience and risk my relationship with her again."

Nick's statement resonated with how I'm testing Alicia's patience. She's my girlfriend and I know that I too can't keep testing her patience by avoiding sex with her. It didn't matter the way we look at it, part of life is about taking risks, even if they have positive or negative results.


After a relaxing cigarette break with Nick, him and I went back inside where Madison and Alicia were sitting at the table. To my surprise and I'm sure Nick's, Luciana was also sitting at the table.

Madison turned her head to look at me with a smile and greet, „Well back so soon."

„Sorry, were you still talking?" I asked, wanting to sound considerate.

„Oh no, Alicia and I are done talking. We've just been talking about you, and Alicia has confirmed it, it is now official."

Madison's smile got wider and her bright radiant smile prompted me to smile too and even laugh.

„Da, well… word gets out there quickly." Madison and I both laughed before I decided to change the subject and ask, „So what's new with Travis?"

„Well we might not be on speaking terms again, but I'm happy to know he's eating again."

„He's eating again?" I was astonished to know that Travis was coming out of his depression and eating.

„Yep, he cleans his plate like a dog."

„Madison that's no way to call your boyfriend," I jokingly chided Madison.

„Well him and I will be boyfriend and girlfriend again when he starts talking again."

„Has he had his breakfast?"

„I gave him breakfast, maybe he's finished. If you go and fetch his plate I'll make some black tea and we can talk about the wedding, deal?"

„Deal," I responded, walking affably to Travis' room where he'd been a hermit ever since we got here. On the way I heard Alicia playfully admonish her mum for making a witty remark about a wedding I never bought up with Alicia.


Arriving at Travis' door, I heard noises behind the closed door. It's true if your senses are damaged or disabled, your other senses amplify and that's what happened with my sense of hearing. Behind the door there was the clicking and rattling sound of metal, but a clicking and rattling I was familiar with and what I identified it to be. It was the rhythm of a gun, a revolver and that is what I knew what was happening in the room, Travis was attempting suicide with self inflicted gunshot.

I tried the handle and threw my shoulder against it and the door flew open. I saw Travis sitting at the window in the bright morning sun. He turned his head to see me, and good thing he did, because it bought me a few precious seconds. The cylinder in his revolver was closed and a shot was in the chamber, but to my relief, pulled the hammer down unaware it was a double action revolver.

Before the hammer was pulled down to the upper-grip, I leapt over the bed and landed on Travis. I gripped his wrist with the revolver in it, pulled it away from his head and pointed it at the ceiling.

„Let go of me Mikhail, let me do this," growled Travis through his teeth.

Travis tried to hook punch me in the face and I deflected it. I then backed away with Travis' shooting arm stretched out. Sliding my grip up his wrist to his hand, I twisted it and his forearm twisted as well. Travis anguished and roared in pain, which loosened his trigger finger, enabling me to disarm the revolver out of his hands.

Travis now disarmed, launched himself out of the wheelchair with his arms and dived towards me, attempting to attack me. I held out my palm and pushed him to ground where he landed on his back. Stubborn and refusing to give up, Travis then again tried to flip on his belly, as a means to resume attacking me. I quickly hovered over him, placing my knee on the forearm of his right arm and the foot of my right leg on his other arm. I further rendered him powerless by gripping his hair and holding his head down. I was prepared for Travis to spit at me, but to my relief he didn't.

„Stay down," I ordered firmly, like a parent disciplining his child.

„What's going on here?" asked Madison who was standing behind me.

„Travis was trying to shoot himself," I replied.

„Travis," reprimanded Madison furiously.

I helped Travis sit up, picked him up under his arms and sat him back into his wheelchair.

Out of nowhere a stench hit my nostrils, it was a sour musty kind of smell, baking in the hot sun.

„I smell something."

„Who is it?" asked Alicia, sounding a little inappropriate after an almost successful suicide attempt.

„Not who, somewhere." I drew breath through my nostrils and sensed where the smell was coming from, „From the window."

Alicia walked to the window and inspected it and acknowledged, „You're right, I see what looks like… dried spaghetti sauce." Alicia opened the window and the stench got more intense, it made me want to throw up. Alicia backed from the window and coughed, „Mum you're not going to believe this, Travis hasn't been eating his food, he's been dumping it out of the window."

The light that had already extinguished in Madison eyes then reignited and her eyebrows drew closer together. Her hand clenched and her fist trembled. Her body was quivering with rage, I don't think I ever saw Madison this angry before. She marched towards Travis, gritted her teeth and swung her open hand across his face. The force was so powerful it looked like she broke Travis' neck.

„Mum," worried Alicia, trying to placate her angry mum.

Travis looked at Madison looking scared and intimidated by her rebuking.

„You bastard, first you waste food and then you try to kill yourself. How could you fucking hurt me more?"

„Mum please," persuaded Alicia.

Madison picked up a smeared dried plate with matching sauce that was found on the window. She held it in front of Travis and further rebuked, „What's wrong Travis? I thought you liked spaghettiOs, aren't they your favorite?" Madison's voice then turned to sarcasm and she put a smile on her face, „Oh wait I forgot, you're not hungry." She reverted back to her angry face, lifted the plate high in the air as if she would smash it on Travis' head. Instead, she smashed it onto the floor. „WELL FINE, I give up Travis, and you know what?" Madison snatched the revolver I received from Travis and slammed it in his lap and chided, „Here you are, just do it, just kill yourself if that's what you want. Just do it, no one will miss you."

I could see the tears build up in Madison's eyes as she then turned around and stormed out of the room to cry. Travis' face turned to shame and regret, knowing how much he hurt the one who was patient with him and tried to help him.

„Mum," called out Alicia, following her mum.

I grabbed the gun off Travis (no resistance) and followed Alicia out of the room and as I turned her found, her face was leaking with tears, they were tears she shed for Travis and his selfish act.

„Alicia don't, it's going to be okay. I promise."

„Mikhail I don't believe it, how he could he…?" sobbed Alicia, crying more tears.

I wiped the tears dry from Alicia's eyes and consoled, „Alicia it's going to okay, I'll talk to Travis."

„Mikhail."

„Alicia take this," I gently placed the unloaded revolver in Alicia's palm and asked, „Go and help your mum."

Alicia looked at me with sorrowful eyes and nodded. Stimulated by the cute look in her eyes, I leant forward to kiss her tenderly on the lips. She smiled and I saw I brought the twinkle back in her eyes.

Alicia separated to tend to her mother while I walked back into the room to see Travis looking sad and stunned.

„Travis, I think we should talk."

„Mikhail, there's nothing to say."

„O there is, there's a lot to talk about. Starting with why you attempted suicide when you've still got those who love and still care about you."

„Why tell you Mikhail? You wouldn't understand."

„Maybe not know how you feel, but understand a motive. Maybe losing loved ones (I was careful not to give out names) or in captivity."

„You're warm, but it doesn't compare with what you've done to me."

„What did I do to you?"

I was shocked when Travis revealed that I wronged him somehow.

„The way you treated Chris, you shunned him and really hurt his feelings. You could have been a real friend to him, but no, you just turned him away like he was nothing."

„Travis nyet, that's not true. I tried to help Chris, I tried to help him get good grades. It was wrong I didn't give him a reasonable explanation, but I didn't want a friend at the time."

„Oh what Chris isn't good enough for you?" hissed Travis.

„It's not that, Chris was very easy to work with and I was proud of how well he approved. If you're trying to say I went the wrong way about rejecting Chris, you are right. I could have helped him understand that I wasn't the right friend for him. Even if I did accept him as a friend, I wouldn't have been able to give him the friendship he deserved. If I could go back in time I would sit Chris down and have a talk with him and make it a clean break."

Travis hesitated, nodded and changed the subject.

„So what about Madison hey? I heard you both got really drunk and you took advantage of her. Did you like it Mikhail? Do you like older women?"

Reflecting back to the time where Madison got really drunk and tried to kiss me pierced me deep in my chest.

„Nyet that's not true, Madison and I did have too many drinks, but I never kissed her. I love Alicia." Travis looked at me with scorn and I further explained, „Okay I love Madison too, but not in that way."

„It's not what Marc Antony told me. He may have psychologically tortured me, but in all honesty, I'd say you're no better than him and neither is Madison and her family."

„What do you mean?"

„Abandoning me and leaving me to Marc Antony to torment me everyday and tell them they forgot me."

„Travis we didn't abandon you, there's a reason for that."

„Oh please, more excuses just like all students back at high school. My dog ate my homework, Jane Doe won't go out with me or I didn't make the team."

„Travis stop it, please let me explain what happened."

Travis glared at me, feigned a smile and said, „Okay Mikhail, shoot."

„While you were still in a coma, Marc Antony threatened to launch a nuke into the ranch unless I left, which I did. I did it to save everyone, including you. Madison and her family left too, because they were worried about me, but… that's not to say they didn't worry about you too. In fact, they hoped you would come out of that coma and then join us. Walker and his tribe volunteered to look after you, but unfortunately Marc Antony took over the ranch and we begun planning a rescue mission to get you out. Madison even pleaded me to get you out safely and that was something I swore I would do, and I did."

„You should have left me to die Mikhail, like I told you."

„Which I didn't, and I would never do."

„Well you should have done, I was trying to save your life, which I was half inclined to do."

„What do you mean?"

„I was this close to putting a shotgun round in your face," snarled Travis, signifying with his thumb and index finger how close I was.

„Travis, even if you were going to kill me, I still would have saved you. Not only did I do it for Madison, I did it for Alicia and mostly, I did it for you. You were the one who always stood by me and believed in me. You were my favorite teacher, you were the reason I endured so much hardship at school. If it weren't for you, I would never have accomplished so much and become a star pupil and have won that award."

Travis' face turned morose and his eyes drew close together, it seemed what I said to him further resonated and jogged his memory.

„In fact enough of talking about school, how about we talk about our little reunion back in Mexico. You came to help me, even when I declined your help and ordered you to stay back. I risked my life trying to protect you, Madison and Alicia. You even risked your life for me, which I've always been grateful for. How about the time you came to enliven my spirts after Alicia scorned me, or even the time you came to keep me company at the ranch?"

Travis didn't answer, he remained mute, but I could tell it was all coming back to him.

„Now I've reminded you of what you do know, how about I tell you something you don't know. When Marc Antony shot you in the spine and you went into a coma, you were so close to death's door. I saw Madison, Alicia and Nick cry over what could have been your dead body, but if it wasn't for me; you wouldn't be here now."

Travis looked up at me with his mouth hung open and his eyes blinking sporadically. His eyes were moist and it looked like tears were about to flow.

„You were losing a lot of blood, there wasn't any donated blood that had your blood type, so someone had to give it. It turned out that there was only one person who had the same blood type as you, me."

A tear leaked out of Travis' right eye and ran fast down his cheek.

„Da it was me, I gave my blood for you. I gave a lot of my blood, I nearly died. I could have died, I was willing to die, die to save you for Madison and her family. I was only lucky to survive the ordeal and be here right now, so we can have another reunion and become one big happy family."

„Mikhail I don't know what to say…" wept Travis.

„Do you still want to die Travis? If you do then I don't know what to say. If you do want to live, I suggest leaving the past where it belongs, pick up the pieces and move on." I took out a food bar out of my pocket which was a hematogen, a nutrition bar made from cow's blood, eaten a lot in Russia. I threw in on the bed next to Travis.

„Here, if you ever get hungry, here's food. Feel free to throw it out of the window, if not, get it down your neck."

I turned my back on Travis and prepared to leave the room, indifferent what he was going to do next, knowing that I tried everything I could to reason with him.

„Mikhail," called out Travis.

I froze in position, and without turning my head I responded, „Da?"

„About the night when you won the talent show and I asked to speak to your dad and grandma in private. It's just that… well… I… I was the one who told your grandma that you took up smoking."

I stood at the open door with my hand on the door in my own little trance. This disclosure from Travis would have caused someone irrational to lose control and respond violently in retaliation, but me, I wasn't the irrational type. I concluded that Travis wasn't in hindsight responsible for my grandma's death. It was me who decided to take up smoking and I got caught in the act, it was only Travis who informed my grandma about my habit. I then felt forgiveness in my heart, took a deep breath, breathed out and said, „Thank you Travis."

Without having anything to say to Travis, I left the room, closed the door and allowed him solitude.

This little epiphany with Travis telling me the truth about telling my grandma that I smoked helped me find closure and stop feeling responsible for my grandma's death. I was tempted to have a cigarette like I would do after recovering from a psychological moment. Looking at my pack of cigarettes, I then realized how very recently I had a cigarette and that I vowed to have a smoke after meals. Being reminded of my grandma, I resisted the urge to have another cigarette and put the packet back in my pocket.

I walked into the lounge and saw Alicia and Madison cuddled up on the sofa. Madison got up off the sofa and walked passed me and bestowed me a smile. I could see it on her face that she had been crying. Her eyes were slightly red and she was glistening below the eyes, the tears really did do their magic. All she had to do was express her emotions, shed tears and she was happy again.

I sat on the couch with Alicia, who looked delighted to see me. We cuddled up and Alicia asked, „Is Travis okay?"

„Travis is going to be okay, I promise. He just needs time."

„Thank you for saving him."

„You're welcome Alicia, I did it for you as much as I did it for your mother and myself."

„What is Travis to you?" Alicia lifted her head off my shoulder to look at me.

„He was my favorite teacher, no, he is my father figure."

What I said there was true, Travis was more of a father to me than my actual father ever was. He was more supportive than my father ever was to me, and as far as fathers go, that is one of the traits that makes a good father.

Alicia looked at me awkwardly and frowned, „If Travis became your father, we'd be brother and sister."

I laughed, „Travis isn't your biological father."

„It was a joke dumbass," Alicia punched me in the arm.

„I know."

„Mikhail, can we see the sun come down again?" asked Alicia, gazing into my eyes with adoration.

„Sure Alicia, whatever you want."

Her eyes sparkled into mine and her lips twitched into a smile. I knew what the look was, by now that look indicated she wanted to kiss and I knew it was the go ahead. As always, I craved to kiss her impeccable lips, which I knew were mine to kiss. I slowly and delicately took Alicia in my arms, threaded my fingers through her soft silky hair and caressed her lips with mine. I relished the moment of being inside Alicia's mouth and wanted this intimate romantic moment to last, until to my dismay the voice of someone clearing their throat intervened.

My eyes shot wide open and both Alicia and I turned our heads to see Madison holding two cups in her hands. She smiled as she handed Alicia her drink and then me my drink, which I could see was black tea.

Madison sat on the couch with her fixed her bright eyes on Alicia and I. It was quite obvious that Madison liked the spectacle of Alicia and I together.

„So what's going on with Travis?" asked Madison.

The tone in Madison's voice sounded passive and that she wasn't angry with Travis about the little falling out they had.

„Travis is going to be okay, I know it. Him and I had a little talk and I convinced and reminded him that you still love and care for him. I even told him that life is worth living and that he just doesn't know it yet."

„Mikhail you would have made a great school counselor, you succeeded what I failed to do with Travis."

„Well Travis had a hard time being in captivity, he was subjected to both psychological and physical torture. It's understandable why he was the way he is. Just give him time and he'll come through."

I just wish he told me these things," signed Madison, resting her elbow on back rest of the couch.

„It's kind of hard to find it in you to be honest. I should know, I've been there. I could have come to you for counseling, but I just didn't have it in me."

„You just didn't want to tell me you were in love with Alicia?" Madison smiled slyly.

We both laughed and so did Alicia.

„Da it was partially that, but there's no point talking about it because Alicia and I are already dating." I slung my arm around Alicia, pulled her in and kissed her on the head.

„Mikhail not in front of my mum," whined Alicia sarcastically.

„What? Your mum saw us kiss anyway."

„Yeah but that wasn't meant for her eyes."

I was expecting Madison to bring up the idea of a wedding, but all she did was gawk at us and smile. Maybe she forgot about the subject and wouldn't bring it up again until a later date.


It was late afternoon and the sky outside was turning red. Alicia was in her room getting ready for our second date. We weren't going to go far from the cabin, we decided to relax by the porch and watch the sun go down from there. Not much of a date I know, but I guess it's because Alicia wasn't too keen on the idea of going far away from the cabin, which was a decision I respected.

I was already dressed and spruced and I smiled how true it was that girls take longer than boys to get ready for a date. While I waited for Alicia to come to me looking ungodly pretty, I decided to check on Travis.

I peeked through the keyhole in the door and saw Travis was in the same position I last found him. The hermatogen bar was still on the bed, which hadn't been eaten yet. Before I tore my eye away from the keyhole, something amazing happened. Travis turned his wheelchair to face the bed, grabbed the hermatogen bar and started to unwrap it. He took the first bite and he chewed on it for half a minute before swallowing. His reaction was neutral, he didn't react as if he enjoyed the taste, but nonetheless took another bite and continued to eat the bar.

Once he was finished, he then proceeded to pick up the fragments of the plate Madison smashed. With all the fragments collected, he then proceeded to the door and I stepped away.

I watched Travis wheel himself to the kitchen that dingy with only a beam of sunlight radiating through the window. Travis threw the fragments and the wrapper in the bin

Madison walked in the kitchen to see Travis in the process of disposing of the fragments. She wrapped her arms around him lovingly and pressed her face into his shoulder.

„Madison I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for hurting you," cried Travis with a tear rolling down his face.

„It's okay Travis, I'm sorry too," muffled Madison, also crying.

After they stopped crying, Travis held out his open hand and saw there was blood running down his arm.

„Travis you're bleeding," shocked Madison.

„I'll be okay, it's just a small cut."

„Don't be silly Travis, you should know better that you should always clean cuts."

Madison cleaned Travis's hand, dried it and then placed a band-aid on the cut. I watched as I saw both Madison and Travis smiling at each other, this was a sign that Travis was going to recover and his romance with Madison would hopefully rekindle.

This beautiful sight was interrupted with an even more beautiful sight, which was Alicia, who had appeared at my side. As always Alicia was beautiful, even when she was without make-up or wearing pretty dresses. This wasn't to say I didn't like seeing Alicia spruced up, which I did. It's just I knew she went all that way and all that effort to impress me.

Alicia was wearing a new dress, a skin tight white dress with a split from the thighs, probably to enable leg movement. The dress was also laced with a vertical black stripe on each side, giving the dress more style. The neckline of the dress was a v-shape, which exposed her collar-bone and a patch of her bare-chest. She wore the same perfume as yesterday, which had a strong sensational aroma, I can see she sprayed it on her neck. Her hairstyle was different this time around, she altered her hair in light, delicate luxurious curls, which glistened whenever light touched them and draped over her slender shoulders.

Alicia smiled at me and offered me her hand, which I ardently took and allowed her to lead me outside where we would spend our date.


The evening atmosphere was placid and serene, with a mild cool temperature and a orange setting sun to beautify the scenery. It was what anyone who like me appreciates nature and natural beauty could wish for. Especially when you have someone to share it with.

Alicia and I were sitting on the swing bench, having a glass of red wine and watching the sun slowly descend, and for the night sky to cast its shadow.

„Mikhail, I don't know how to say this but… I get the feeling life is going to get better," speculated Alicia, sounding content and optimistic.

Alicia's words coincided with mine and I knew how words like that could never be truer and sweeter. I took my hands in Alicia's and whispered into her ear, which was close to my mouth, „You're right Alicia, things will get better, I know it. We are going to make things better, together."

Alicia squeezed my hand passionately and stroked my hand with her thumb.

„Together?"

„Da, together. We're going to make our own community, we're going to build it from the ground up. We're going to invite other people to join us. Good people, those who appreciate our offer for protection and prosperity."

„But first we need to find them. They are so many out there who are in danger and need our help."

„We'll find them Alicia, I promise." I delivered a delicate kiss on Alicia's head.

„Unfortunately we are going to have to fight, there are many who will want to kill us and I need to be ready."

„You're a tough girl Alicia, you can take them. You made a great sniper, if it weren't for you I'd be dead." I stroked the back of Alicia's hand and tightened my embrace around her, feeling a warm fuzzy feeling for the girl I loved and knew saved my life.

Alicia broke out of my warm embrace just to face me with eyes gazing into mine.

„You're a tough guy Mikhail and I need you to teach me how to be tough like you. I need to learn how to fight." Alicia stroked my chest and raised a persuasive smile to appease me.

„Da, I will teach you how to fight. Together we're going to become a fighting duo."

„Like Bonnie and Clyde?" asked Alicia, flaring her smile and shining her eyes into mine.

„Da like Bonnie and Clyde."

I smiled fervently at Alicia's beaming delightful face. She was so beautiful, a real angel standing over me. She was an angel I could touch, an angel I could confide in an angel that would be by my side to show me the way. Looking at her twinkling eyes and alluring lips ready to kiss me, I closed my eyes as her face got closer to mine.

With my eyes closed and feeling her soft lips wrapped around mine, I was reminded how I was waking up from a coma. I opened my eyes to find myself lying in a hospital bed, except this time I would open my eyes to an even better and pleasant sight.

Still engaged in kissing Alicia, I kept my eyes closed and pulled her into me to feel her light fragile body on mine. This was a kiss I never wanted to end, only inside the mouth of Alicia was a liberated from all pain and suffering. Everything I endured and suffered all to get to this very moment where Alicia was mine and I won her heart. I have done enough fighting, I deserve a long well earned break. No fighting, no more crying, no more grieving. Just happiness, got to enjoy it while it lasts. What future is in store for Alicia and I, does it lie together. Whether that is true or not, I didn't want to think about the future or the past. I want to live in the moment, my moment, with Alicia.

Alicia and I broke our long kiss and I saw her rest her head on my chest. I saw how peaceful and happy she looked, bathing in the purple night sky that hovered over us. Sleep Alicia, sleep my angel, sleep my princess. Tomorrow we wake up to a new day, a day I hope will be better than the last.

Before Alicia was asleep, I said endearingly into her open ear, „I love you Alicia."

„I love you too Mikhail," responded Alicia sincerely.

This response made me smile to hear that Alicia loves me too. Not wanting to say anything else to her and let her sleep, I closed my eyes and joined her in her slumber.

To be continued…