Summer was now in full bloom, capturing the city in a vice grip of sunshine and humidity. It was the only time of year Levi wished he could forgo propriety and run down the streets in nothing but his skivvies because his normal clothes became so suffocating. He could only imagine what the poor women must be going through with their thick, heavy skirts. So when Eren proposed a walk that day, he nearly strangled him.
However, when he named their destination, his murderous impulse faded, and he decided, yes, this was another one of Eren's good ideas.
Levi wondered why he never thought of going to the town cemetery for so long. No, he knew the answer to that. After his parents died, he couldn't bring himself to look upon their gravestones and know without a doubt that they were gone. It was easier to live in ignorance and fool himself that they were just away on an extended holiday, rather than see the evidence literally written in stone that they were dead. He knew if he visited their graves, he would burst into tears, and even if he was alone, that would embarrass him greatly.
But Eren said he made of point of visiting his mother's grave as often as he could. "I've just been a bit caught up with…other things, so I haven't thought about doing it as much lately," he said to Levi with a sly smile. "But that's good. I would often visit her when I had a terrible case of the morbs, so by not seeing her so much, that means I've been pretty happy lately. I can't remember a time when I've stayed this happy for this long ever since she passed away."
"Well…that's good," Levi agreed hesitantly. "Either way, I'm glad we're going to see them now. Lord knows my parents' graves are probably overgrown and need some weeding."
They walked together side by side down the road, bouquets of flower in hand, figuring the exercise would be good for them, and truthfully, while it was humid enough that it made everything they wore feel awfully wet even if the sun was out, Levi didn't mind. It was a chance to spend quality time with Eren, where they could speak about anything without having to worry about prying ears.
"It'll be nice to go to this cemetery again," Levi said. "I haven't been here since we buried my mother."
Eren nodded in agreement. "I do like that it's out of town, so it's a bit more peaceful. I'm sure the dead appreciate it too. I know my mother probably does."
Just then, Levi realized something. "You've never really told me much about your mom. I mean I know how she died and how her last few days were, and I know that you loved her. But I'd love to hear more about her. How was she before she um, well…"
He trailed off awkwardly, unsure of how to phrase it. But Eren had no trouble figuring out what he meant. "Before she went crazy, you mean?"
"Well, I suppose so."
Eren nudged him with his elbow, letting him know that he wasn't offended by the implication. It was true after all. So, he answered, "Well, I told you before how she was a very caring mom. She had me pretty young. My father was ten years older than she was, so they got married when she was sixteen and he was twenty-six. By that time my father had actually been married already, but his wife had passed away from tuberculosis. Her parents were actually new in town, and when they became patients of Dr. Jaeger, they must have thought 'Oh what a nice young man, our unmarried daughter would be perfect for him, and she'll be set for the rest of her life if she marries him.' I guess they were just lucky that after they were introduced he agreed.
"I was born about a year after they got married. I was told that they tried to have other children, but my mother either miscarried, or they died in infancy. They have pictures of the dead ones around I think. I've seen them. My parents paid a photographer to take pictures of them so they would have at least one picture before they were buried. But I was the only one who survived, so my mother doted on me. I was everything to her, or that's what she said. When my father was too busy working or too tired to pay attention to her when he got home from work, I was there for her, and we became really close. She was a very nice mom, and I think she spoiled me far too much in hindsight. But she always told me that we had to be kind to everyone, especially those less fortunate than us, so we have to take every opportunity to help them out and make sure that we treat them the same way we would our closest friends."
Ah, that explained a lot, Levi figured. No wonder Eren always made an effort to befriend his father's staff. He was trying to carry out his mother's wishes and make her proud of him.
"She was the one who encouraged me to pursue what I loved, like the arts and things. She hired a private tutor for me when I showed promise as an artist to show me the ins and outs of figure drawing and painting. When I got older, she even hired models for me so I could practice. Sometimes she would model for me too. I'll have to show you those paintings. She looked really pretty in her big pink and red dresses. Even when she had grey in her hair, she looked so pretty.
"We adopted Mikasa into the family when I was about ten, and I could tell my mom was overjoyed. I know she always wanted more kids, so she loved being able to take care of another child who needed her, and she never made me feel left out. Though I wasn't happy about it at first, I grew to accept Mikasa, and soon enough saw her as my sister. She always made sure that Mikasa had the nicest clothes to wear, and I think Mikasa was blown away by this. I don't know, I guess she never really had nice clothes to wear before this. My mom spoiled her just as bad.
"As we got older, though she kept it from us, she didn't bother to hide from other people that she wasn't happy being with my father, and I understood why. The few times they did speak to each other, they were always arguing, and I think it was these fights that triggered something in my mom, because she was never, well, right after them. She would start threatening to hurt herself. One time when we had company over she tried to escape by climbing into the fireplace and trying to shimmy up the chimney. Maybe part of her madness was because she was repressing who she really was inside, I don't know. But when my father caught her having affairs with other women, that was the final straw. He sent her to the asylum and I didn't see her again until her funeral. Now he just refuses to talk about her, and if we mention her in his presence, he gets really angry."
Eren just shook his head, sighing heavily. "The thing I miss the most about my mom is just the happiness she put into the house. She was always laughing and smiling, always decorating and trying to brighten the place up. Now I feel like that's mine and Mikasa's job."
"I'm sorry," Levi said, and he hated how hollow the sentiment sounded. But what else could he say? "I wish I could have met her. She sounds great."
"She would have liked you, I think," Eren said. "She would have been one of the few people I could have told about us. And she would just be overjoyed that there would be someone out there willing to put up with me, and encourage my love of art the way she did."
The older man bumped him with his hip, replying, "Of course. You create things that are so pretty, how could I not encourage you?"
Soon after that, they found themselves arriving at the cemetery gates, great wrought iron sentinels that always made Levi feel like he was entering another reality. Like he was, in a way, passing over from the land of the living into the vale of the dead. At the moment, it looked like they were the only living souls there, no one else around for miles. It was settled in a grove surrounded by willow and pine trees. Near the front were the graves of children and infants, several dozen of them. Further back were the adults, and that's where he and Eren headed. Their first destination was Eren's mother since she was closer.
"I always remember where she is because there's this giant, overgrown bush next to the gravestone near hers," Eren said. "And yup, there it is. They need to trim this thing back."
Sure enough, once they walked around the bush, there was the stone with Eren's mother's name on it, with an empty space above it for Dr. Jaeger when he passed away. Carla Jaeger, his wife. Eren knelt down, placing his wrapped bouquet in front of her grave, before beginning to pull some weeds and overgrown grass away.
"In a way," he said, "I'm a bit surprised my father still wants to be buried with her. Her affairs and then commitment were a huge scandal for years. Still are, depending on who you ask. We're forever the family that had the crazy, sapphist wife of the good doctor, and 'oh think of what she must have done to the children, how badly she must have messed them up. Poor doctor Jaeger, if only he had known.' I'd rather have my crazy sapphist mother around than him, honestly."
Levi had no idea how to respond to that, so he just let him rant, choosing to help by pulling weeds on the other side of the gravestone. That was when the older man noticed a couple of smaller graves near the main stone, three in total, all with different names on them. He figured he already knew who these belonged to, but he couldn't help asking anyway.
"These smaller graves…are these the babies your mother lost?"
"Yes," Eren answered, no emotion in his voice. And that was that. He didn't explain further, and Levi didn't ask further. The tiny graves were explanation enough.
After they finished sprucing up around the stone, Levi led him towards his parents'. Their grave was of course not nearly as large or fancy, but it served its purpose. The most ornamental it got was the fact that there was a cross etched into the stone above his parents' names. When Eren laid eyes on the stone, he said, "Wow, I've passed by this grave a bunch of times. Always noticed it because it was kind of in an odd shape. Never thought that someday I'd become acquainted with any family members of these two, let alone courting one."
"Fate is funny," Levi agreed, and then also placed his flowers in front of the grave, before continuing his weed pulling and grass trimming.
"So, you've told me a bit about your parents," Eren pointed out. "I know your mom was very kind and supportive and your dad was a bit stricter. Do you think they would have liked me?"
Levi huffed a bit, a smile spreading his cheeks. "Well, of course they wouldn't be able to know that we were together. Their hope was that I'd find a nice girl that would take me as I was, and that I would have a big family so that I wouldn't get too lonely. That's what they were always worried about, because I kept to myself so much, yet always felt so lonely. If only they could see where I'm at now…as long as they didn't know what you really were to me, they'd be so happy that I'd found someone I could be close to, as well as all the other friends I've made.
"My mom I think would have liked you a bit better. She would have said something like, 'You finally found someone who wants to do art stuff like you do, isn't that wonderful? You'll have to collaborate.' Then she would have invited you over to our place for tea like every weekend and given you a ton of food to take home all the time like your own parents never fed you. My dad would have liked that you encouraged me to get out and make business connections, but his reason would have been something along the lines of, 'So he can get out of that gal boy career of his and do something worthwhile.' He'd want you to change me into a real man, or I guess a man more like him."
"Like either of us aren't real men already," Eren sighed. "Besides, we know that just having a cod doesn't make you a real man. I think Hanji is braver and manlier than most men I know."
Levi laughed. "Very true." He then stared down at his parents' gravestone for a moment, continuing, "I know I complain about how they raised me quite a bit, but I also know they meant well. Like your father, I think. They just want the best for us, but don't know how to go about asking us properly or convincing us in the right way what we should be doing. Your father just wants you to have a safe and secure future as well as well as heirs so that the mansion is looked after by the family. And he wants a partner to take care of you because he knows someday when you're older you'll need it. My parents wanted the same thing for me. They just wanted me to have kids so that I'll be happy and have someone to take care of me when I'm old and gray. I suppose I do feel a bit sad that they wouldn't approve of how I was living, but…"
"Well, I'd say your mom would be happy at least that you're probably going to get your book published, if all goes well," Eren said. "As for the rest, you can't worry too much about making your parents happy. You need to live your own life and make yourself happy first and foremost. It's not all about your parents."
He went quiet for a moment, before adding, seemingly randomly, "Though I'd give anything to get my mom back. I know my fear of being abandoned started when she passed away. Now I'm just scared everyone is going to leave me somehow, either because they'll get tired of me or they'll die."
Levi went over to him and sat beside him on the grass, leaning his head on his shoulder, reassuring him, "No one's going to leave you, Eren. I'm not going anywhere, not in life…" he looked around the graveyard briefly, and then added, "and perhaps not in death either. Maybe someday we could get a plot here together. This place doesn't seem like a bad final resting place, you know?"
"Yeah," Eren agreed, but he had said it in a voice devoid of emotion, and he wasn't looking at Levi anymore, instead gazing off into the distance at some above ground mausoleums, the kind that held a single dead body inside, the kind that had a door you needed to unlock with a key. It was as if he was having some sort of unsettling premonition, the way his eyes were glazed over, and it made Levi shiver to see it. Unable to say anything more, he just snuggled closer to Eren, letting him know without words that he was there for him no matter what.
000
The next morning, the minute Levi sat down for breakfast, he knew something was wrong, because Eren wasn't at the table with them. He always ate with them no matter what, as he got up as early as Levi and Mikasa did usually. He looked at Eren's empty place, and found himself asking his sister, "Have you seen Eren?"
She shook her head. "I figured maybe he was still asleep? Or in the barn? But now that you mention it, him not being here is odd."
Something wasn't sitting right. Levi finally decided, "Alright, let's eat and then we'll go check on him. He has been staying up late working on jobs lately. He might be tired from doing all those."
So, they ate their breakfast, more quickly and more subdued than usual. There wasn't the usual conversation between them, where Eren and Mikasa would banter back and forth, Eren being his usual chatterbox self while Mikasa nodded along and Levi tried to ignore him both and resist throwing something at Eren's head to shut him up because he was far too awake for this time of day. When they finished and helped to put their dishes away, they immediately made their way towards Eren's room.
The large, dark door was still shut, so that meant most likely he was still in there. They glanced at each other, before Mikasa raised her hand and knocked.
"Eren?" she called. "Are you there?"
Silence. She tried again, once more announcing their presence, but still nothing. So, wasting no further time, they both opened the door, Levi following behind her.
Well, Eren was still in there at least. However, he was still huddled in bed, blankets still pulled up to his shoulders. His eyes were open, but it was very apparent quickly that he wasn't staring at anything. His eyes were glazed, gaze distant, and he barely appeared to be breathing. The curtains were still drawn, plunging the room into darkness save for little streams of light that were leaking in around the edges. Levi was in utter shock, worry washing over him. Was Eren sick? Were they going to have to go get his father? He turned to Mikasa, about to voice his concerns, but he stopped himself when he saw the expression on her face. It was resigned, accepting, and extremely tired. She looked like she had aged twenty years in just a few seconds.
Like she had seen this sort of behavior many times before.
Levi watched as Mikasa made her way slowly but methodically around the room, first moving to the window to pull open the curtains. The light flooded in, momentarily blinding Levi. Eren was facing away from the window, so it didn't bother him. She then went back over to the head of the bed, placing her hand on her brother's forehead.
"Well, he's not sick, so I'd say this is another episode," she guessed.
"Episode?" Levi wondered.
"Sometimes he'll go through periods where he just won't get out of bed and just be so down that nothing can make him feel better. He also says stuff that's…unsettling."
Mikasa kept brushing his hair back out of his face, but he didn't react, continuing to stare into a void only he saw. The only motion that came from him was breathing and blinking, and it made Levi feel far too uneasy. Eren was normally so exuberant, so full of life, always trying to make others happy. To see him like this made him feel sick. But perhaps he was like this because he was burnt out by always acting like the spot of sunshine in everyone's cloudy day? He supposed he could understand that. Being the one that always made everyone else happy for so long had to be exhausting. Maybe he just couldn't do it anymore.
"Go get some water," Mikasa told him.
"What about some breakfast?" Levi wanted to know.
She shook her head. "He won't eat when he's like this. I've tried. The most we can do is keep him hydrated."
He did as he was asked, returning with some water and placing it on the table next to his bed. Mikasa was still stroking his forehead, running her fingers through his hair. Eren hadn't moved an inch. She turned her head towards Levi, and her expression was still one of defeat and utter exhaustion. "Pull up a chair and sit down," she said. "It's going to be a long day."
Levi glanced between her and Eren, still not comprehending what he was hearing. Why was she taking this all in stride, acting like it was so normal? Eren looked like the living dead and she was just talking about his condition like he was a naughty child that refused to get out of bed. Well, he thought, maybe this was completely normal for her. Doing as he was asked, he pulled up the chair sitting in front of Eren's desk up next to the bed, wanting very much to reach out and hold his love's hand, but he knew he obviously couldn't, not with Mikasa standing right there. So instead, to keep himself busy, he found himself asking questions.
"How often do these episodes happen?" he wondered, voice uncharacteristically soft, as if he was afraid he was he going to disturb Eren somehow.
Mikasa sat carefully on the edge of the bed next to Eren's head. "It used to be at least once a week and it would last for days. That was after our mother passed away. Lately it's been once every few months. He had a few episodes before you started living with us, so that's probably why you haven't seen them before. Lots of times when he's like this, he won't eat, or acknowledge that anyone is in the room. He just kind of talks to himself, or worse, talks to our mom. As he comes back a bit more, he will start talking to me, but it's mostly just crying and begging, him thinking I'm going to leave, saying he doesn't deserve to live because he's such a burden that can't live up to our father's expectations…it's awful."
Hearing all of this was just making Levi feel sicker. He couldn't have imagined that this was what Eren meant when he said he was afraid of being abandoned, that this could possibly be one of the symptoms. That made him wonder…
"Does his father have any answers as to what to do to help him?"
Mikasa's eyes widened a bit, and if Levi wasn't mistaken, a hint of fear leaked into her gaze. She quickly shook her head, and said, "He doesn't know about this. I try to hide it from him as much as I can and just take care of Eren myself. I'm afraid if he finds out he'll have him committed to an asylum. Our mother went through periods very similar to this, so…I'm afraid he'll see the similarities."
Levi stiffened, and he tightened his hands into fists on his lap. "I'll help you as much as I can. The only way he's sending Eren anywhere is over my dead body. I'll be fine going to jail for punching the shit out of him if it means Eren is kept safe."
She cracked a smile at his words, and said, "Well, now I'm definitely glad my brother found you."
At that, all the wind was knocked out of Levi's lungs, and he couldn't inhale for several beats. A cold wash of fear dripped icily down his back and adrenaline filled his body. Did she know? No, she couldn't, they had been so careful. But if she did then it was all over. She would tell everyone, and they would end up like poor Thomas; desecrated, forgotten, unwanted by anyone. Laying there waiting for the trash collector in the morning to find them and dump their bodies on the island in the middle of the harbor for the seagulls and crows to pick over. Their dreams forgotten by time, no one knowing their names, and their love for each lost to the wind. He watched her carefully, waiting for her to continue before he dared to say anything else so he didn't give himself away.
To his relief, Mikasa finished with, "Though Eren is so friendly with other people, he doesn't have very many close friends, or people that know him well. So not very many people know his vulnerabilities, much less how to help him when he's in his darkest moments. It makes me happy that now he has someone else who's almost as close to him as I am. I know this sounds selfish, but it helps to take some of the pressure off of me too. I mean, I would do anything for him, I really would but…"
"Everyone needs help," Levi agreed, relieved that he finally understood what she meant. Their secret was still safe for now. "Even sisters who can do everything."
She smiled again, thankful. "If I have to, I supposed I can get ahold of Benjamin and he can help as well. If this continues on for too long, but for now I think you and I can handle this."
"I just wish he would talk to us," Levi said. "It feels strange talking about him when he's right here. Can he not hear us?"
"I'm not sure. He's never given me any indication that he can. He never seems to remember anything I say to him when he's like this, even when I ask him if he does. I do try and talk to him though, both to break the silence and in hopes that it'll reach him somehow. Maybe the sound of my voice makes him feel better somehow. I've sung to him on occasion too, songs our mother sang to him. Sometimes that works and he'll start singing the song too. Just…I wish I could do more."
Levi hummed in agreement. He leaned forward a bit to place a hand on Eren's shoulder, figuring that would be a safe place to touch him that wouldn't arouse suspicion, and he was dying to touch him in order to comfort him. Completely ignoring Mikasa now, he spoke directly to his boy, saying to him, "Come on, Eren. We're here, waiting for you. You need to come back to us. Right now you're like the real Aurora, aren't you? Asleep, in a way, waiting for someone to awaken you. We just need to figure out how."
He could feel Mikasa's confused stare, but he shook it off the same time she did. After all, she knew Eren loved fairytales, so it made sense that Levi did too. It was most likely some reference that only the two of them understood. So, she let it go, hoping that their combined touch would be enough to, as Levi said, "awaken" him.
As the day dragged, the two of them sat sometimes together, sometimes one at a time, taking shifts, one sitting and trying to comfort the distressed boy while the other ate, rested, or used the bathroom. Indeed, as Mikasa said, Eren didn't touch any food all day, despite their attempts to get him to try something. He only drank when a cup was pressed to his lips and he reflexively swallowed the water that entered his mouth. It was like dealing with someone that was catatonic, except they were awake. It was so bizarre, so surreal, that part of him felt like he was in a dream. A nightmare.
He wished he could wake up.
But no, Eren was the one trapped in the nightmare, and no matter what he or Mikasa did, he just wouldn't wake up. The most he moved all day was when he rolled over, or curled up further into himself. Perhaps he was asleep and they just couldn't see it, but that prospect was even more frightening. He was asleep, but was already awake, so if he was dreaming, there was no way they could wake him up.
One point in the day when Levi was left alone with his boy, after checking over his shoulder several times to make sure he was by himself, he found himself stroking his cheek and kissing his forehead. He wished he could get in bed beside him and snuggle up to him; maybe the warmth of his body would be some form of comfort to him. But he doubted he'd be able to get out of bed fast enough before someone came in. Plus, he was afraid he might fall asleep next to him, and if someone caught him doing that…well, it was best not to think about that.
"Oh Eren," he sighed. "I wish you could just tell me what to do in order to help you. I'd do it for you, you know. Even if you wanted me to go to the moon and bring down a piece of it for you, I would. My poor Aurora…"
Suddenly, he got an idea. He had been talking all day to Eren, but he hadn't tried singing to him yet, like Mikasa had suggested. And what better to sing than their song? Still stroking his cheek, and trying not to stare too much at his hollow gaze, he took a deep breath and began.
I know you,
I walked with you once upon a dream.
I know you,
that look in your eyes is so familiar a gleam.
He kept going, singing in his deep, even voice, sounding like a siren singing to a thunderstorm rolling over the sea. And when he finished the song, he started up again, lulling himself into a trance. Perhaps this song would be the magic spell that woke his fair prince from his deep sleep, because if it didn't work, he had no idea what he would do.
And then, against all hope, Levi received the miracle he had hoped for. Eren's eyes gradually cleared, something deep in his soul hearing the familiar melody and clinging the deep love that he knew resided within it. He used that love to help pull him up, up towards the surface, where he burst into the sun, and was met with the somnolent, gray eyes of his Levi. He blinked several times, clearing his vision. His mind still felt fuzzy, and the darkness still weighed heavily on his heart. But now, he found he could focus on things that were around him. He had the strength to push his horrible thoughts aside because there was someone worth going towards in the real world.
Levi watched his eyes focus, hardly daring to breathe as the boy's eyes flicked up to meet his, before his hoarse little voice breathed his name. Levi let loose a shaky sigh of relief and leaned forward to hug his head to his chest.
"You scared the life out of me, you goose," he found himself saying without thinking. "Oh my poor Eren. I'm here."
"Levi," Eren repeated, as if he couldn't believe it. "You…I dreamed that everyone had left me. You were locked in a dark room, screaming for me to get you out, but I couldn't. I was left there alone, and I didn't want to live anymore. It was…oh Levi, you're here. Please don't leave me, don't ever leave me. My precious Doll, if you aren't with me, I don't know what I'd do."
Levi didn't have the heart to refuse him, and deep down, he knew that he didn't want to leave Eren's side. No matter what, no matter what forces threatened to pull them apart, be they from the world or their own fears and insecurities, they would endure them. He pulled Eren tighter to his chest, making sure he could hear his heart beating, and promised, "Never. I'll always be here Eren. You're my Aurora, right? And I'm your Doll. One can't exist without the other. No matter where we end up, I promise I'll always be by your side."
