During Volume 11 Chapter 7
On the twelfth of February, I sat alone at my dining table as usual. Dinner had long passed by, and the dishes were already cleaned. Yet, the oven was alive. The digital timer counted down invisible seconds, showing only minutes that decreased with no visible guide, leaving me in anticipation. The gap between each minute was as correspondingly variable as the randomness of my own thoughts, a common feature of humanity's stream of consciousness that seemed to exist in its own realm.
The Valentine's event had already been left behind by a few days, with the actual Valentine's Day coming in just two days. Days passing could wipe slates clean. Yet, there was stagnancy. If anything, the thing that was being wiped away was my own confidence.
On that day, the satisfaction that I had built up was cruelly dismantled. Teaching others, having them sample my own treats as an example, those things were definitely significant. Yet their significance paled in comparison to what my older sister and, especially, my mother had rendered me. Childishness, emptiness and delinquency were all they saw.
So, I had decided to prepare an ephemeral, imperceptible defiance. By the end of the month, or even the end of the day, the evidence will have disappeared, eaten away. Even so, if there was something that I could finish, it would be this. It would be a confirmation of something. Though it would match a part of my sister's words, it would be different all the same. It would serve as a form of evidence that no one other than we would understand.
The digital timer had reached zero, and the alarm blared. I turned off both the timer and the oven. I put on oven mitts, opened the oven's door, and withdrew a tray. I placed the tray on top of the stove to let the contents cool.
On the tray were cookies of every sort of shape and type. There were simple ones, like the typical chocolate chip cookie, moulded to various shapes. There were more complex ones where I had mixed two different flavours of batter, creating layered swirls or checkerboards. After they cooled, I would continue to adorn most of them with chocolate glaze, jam, icing and other decorations.
The level of effort I had put into crafting each and every cookie was enough to drain me almost as much as helping out with the Valentine's event. It was proof of how excited I was to see their reactions. But far beyond that, it was proof of how nervous I was, how it was enough to make my face feel so hot just from doing the motions and thinking of the implications and consequences, even though there was no one watching me.
I had convinced myself that it was nothing out of the ordinary, that it was this bit of rebelliousness was just me following along with the atmosphere of the Valentine's season. It served as the perfect excuse to show my appreciation. No, if the reasoning was valid, then it could hardly be considered an excuse.
The precise appreciation was different, but that could be chalked up to the individual difference between people. How I liked speaking with her and how I enjoyed being with him would of course be fundamentally different. There was no good reason to ponder any more than that, or else there would be a distortion.
If I could use that excuse, then I could push such unnecessary thoughts to the back of my mind. That was what I believed.
The aroma of tea filled the club room. Yuigahama and Hikigaya were politely waiting for their servings. Their empty cups were in front of me, and I needed to pour out the tea that I had just brewed.
My bag, mostly filled with books and notes, was hanging off the back of my chair, its usual location. Yet, today, there were additionally three bags of the cookies I had prepared last night. Though the bags and I were physically separated, their presence weighed on my mind like rocks.
I tipped the teapot over the first cup. Warm, steaming tea flowed out, flowing with a pleasant, quenching sound as the cup was filled. I repeated that act for the other two cups.
I picked one of the cups up and passed it over to Yuigahama, who was sitting across from me.
"Thanks, Yukinon," she said as she graciously received her tea.
Perhaps the tea was still a little too hot for her tastes as Yuigahama lightly blew at the surface of the liquid. After bringing it down to an appropriate temperature, she made a sip. Her eyebrows rose up, giving in to the pleasance of the tea.
Hikigaya was sitting in his normal spot across the table, at the opposite end of myself. He was engaged in his paperback novella. Because of the distance, I picked up his cup and personally made my way to his side.
As I placed his cup in front of him, his eyes rose from his novella, and they met with mine. I suddenly felt extremely conscious of myself. That cookie bag sprang into my mind, and I felt pangs of hesitation, even though the club had just started.
I averted my gaze for a moment to compose myself. I met his gaze again but felt the same nervousness. I lowered my head for a while more before glancing back at him, but the result was the same. Because of that, Hikigaya looked worriedly at me. It was not a reaction that I could say was typical of him, even if I, myself, was acting strangely.
His concern for me came from a different but obvious reason. With how things ended with my mother that day, Hikigaya would be saddled with worry.
"Yukinon?"
I looked behind myself at Yuigahama. She was also uneased. She was definitely wondering how I was handling myself.
I turned back to Hikigaya, who was silently waiting for me to speak.
"I am really sorry for that time… That, my mother, she…"
I trailed off. There were too many things, so many problems that were suddenly hoisted in front of the two of them. My inability to settle things also worsened the situation.
Hikigaya shook his head and said, "No, there's nothing to worry about."
He was as blunt as usual. His dead-fish eyes made him appear nonchalant. However, the fact that he said that while looking straight at me and not while having one eye on his book meant he was anything but unconcerned. I had meant to thank him, but the words got caught in my throat.
"It's nothing at all! I was often told off by my mom for coming home late as well," boastfully spoke Yuigahama.
No, that was not something to be proud of. Though, she may have only spoken like that to dampen any feelings of guilt I had, to render it as something ordinary.
Hikigaya added on, "Well, I suppose moms are all like that. They are always nagging at their children. Furthermore, she would clean my room and ask me questions like whether school had been fun out of the blue."
His usual banter surfaced, granting me great relief. I spoke my retort, a fundamental part of our everyday antics.
"So, Hikigaya's mom would have an especially huge problem."
Yuigahma spoke in wonder, "Hikki's mom, I wonder what she's like."
With a conflicted expression, Hikigaya answered, "Even if you asked me that… She's very normal. She's like another Komachi. Recently, due to the entrance exam coming up, Komachi and her have been talking non-stop about it."
If Hikigaya's mother was even half-similar to Komachi, then it would be an undeniably great improvement over my own. I could imagine a caring lady who sometimes picks on Hikigaya and sometimes pampers him, all with the intent of doting on him. She would be worried for him, not out of her own agenda, but because she wouldn't want him to keep those dead-looking eyes for his whole life.
But of course, the English adage speaks of the greener grass on the opposing side. Hikigaya's impression of my mother needed not be said, though he might have been able to see some pros, since he tended to observe her closely. As her daughter, I was unsure that I would ever be able to see such things.
"Ah, that's right. Komachi is taking her exam tomorrow. We're also going to be on a school holiday because of those exams," said Yuigahama.
I nodded and spoke, "Knowing Komachi, she shouldn't have any problems."
The explicit meaning of my words was full of sureness, but I was unable to muster a confident expression. Hikigaya nodded to me in kind but with equal uncertainty. The line between success and failure was thin, and our school was not exactly the kind to let just anyone in.
His concern for his little sister was enough to make him seem quite down as he hung his head.
"But as her brother, you must be worried, right?" spoke Yuigahama in empathy.
"Exactly…" he replied despondently.
The bridge of his nose wrinkled. The hand gripping his book tightened up.
"Komachi is way too cute, so she'll surely be popular, right? If that's the case, I'll have to be wary of boys. More importantly, I'll have to make sure that nobody finds out that she has me for a brother. After all, it will affect her reputation."
"That's what you are worried about!?" cried Yuigahama in disbelief, "I mean, you're already assuming that she passed!?"
I spoke dumbfoundedly, "I don't know whether you are being positive or negative here."
As usual, Hikigaya had went off on a wild tangent, smirking all the while, leaving the two of us more confused than satisfied.
The mood of the room had transitioned to its typical lightheartedness. If I was going to do what I had set out to do, it had to be now. I would never find a better time otherwise. Even if a better time did appear, there was no guarantee that I would follow through there if I couldn't do it here.
I filled the teapot with some more tea. It was typically the only form of refreshment that I provided. Today, it would be an accompaniment to something else.
I withdrew a bag of cookies from my school bag. Of the three, this bag was the plainest. I also withdrew a plate, and I transferred the cookies onto it. The finished goods spread out with an assortment of flavours, with each cookie having been carefully decorated.
Yuigahama's eyes sparkled as she marveled at the cookies.
"Ah, are these all hand-made by you?" asked Yuigahama.
I faced Yuigahama to answer her. Yet, in contrast to her eagerness, I could only gingerly respond.
"…Eh, yes. I made a bit last night."
There should have been no need to feel any shame nor nervousness, yet my fingers stuck to the edge of the cookie plate, unable to do anything else.
The scenario that I had imagined in my head, the smoothness that should have been there, none of it was reflected in the moment. Yet, having Yuigahama bluntly point out my efforts caused me to freeze up. Because of that, Yuigahama found it difficult to continue and lapsed to silence.
I shifted around in my seat uncomfortably. Then, my eyes automatically drifted in Hikigaya's direction. He seemed to be engrossed in his novella, appearing as still as stone. Noticing what I was doing, I hurriedly averted my eyes, but I could only hang my head afterwards.
What was I doing at a time like this? My own actions astounded me. I was not only looking for a reaction, I was also trying to grasp some sort of lifeline.
Distributing the cookies was all that I needed to do, yet I was hesitant. I repeatedly opened and closed my mouth, trying to move myself forward, but I remained in place. I had already put in so much effort the night before, yet to follow through with the disruption, to present my honestly crafted confections, free of forgery, I was unable to take that step.
Yuigahama meekly spoke, "I see… I did try to put in some more effort since that time, but it's still not as good."
Yuigahama had a complicated look as she fiddled with her hair.
"My house's oven range seems to have spoiled. It keeps making these weird noises and won't bake anything at all," she said, her eyebrows furrowing.
"That's probably because it's just a microwave oven," said Hikigaya in exasperation.
I giggled a little. Rather than laughing at her expense, I was feeling happy with the fact that our usual antics was enough to relieve me. As if forgetting my earlier nervousness, my hands flew to my school bag to withdraw another cookie bag.
The bag that I pulled out had adornments fit for gift-giving. A lacey ribbon with cat paw patterns neatly tied up the top. I presented the cookie bag to Yuigahama.
"If you would be so kind as to accept this."
"Is it really okay!?" spoke Yuigahama with glee, "Oh, oh! Thanks!"
Overwhelmed with her response, I modestly added, "The things inside are more or less the same."
I pointed to the cookies that were sitting on the plate. Despite that, Yuigahama gently held the bag to her chest, being conscious of the fragility of its contents. She directed her sweet smile towards the bag.
Suddenly, her mood of thankfulness disappeared. She glanced back at me, blinking repeatedly.
"Um… there's only my portion?" she docilely asked.
At her sudden question, my hand, which was pointing at the plate, accidentally knocked at the plate. The dinging sound that I inadvertently created rang out, softly yet unmistakably.
Yuigahama's entire mouth stiffened like a statue. It was as if she was paralyzed at her own question. But she didn't stop. She verbalized her next, obvious question.
"What about Hikki's?"
I gripped my school bag tightly. While scrounging up the exterior of my school bag, the last paper bag that was inside made a faint but crisp sound, being caught in my squeezing.
Washing over me was not just embarrassment or anxiety. To be on the cusp of doing something that I had put so much thought into, I felt that kind of negative anticipation where I wanted to give up and retain the status quo instead of moving forward. I knew that if I proceeded now, something small would undoubtedly change. But that was my intention in the first place. I had wanted to do it regardless, in order to rebel. No, what was holding me back was something else.
It was fear.
Hikigaya muttered, "Ah, no, I don't really…"
Unable to form concrete words, Hikigaya stumbled about. Through no fault of his own, he was forced into an extremely awkward position, the politics of the receiver.
Seeing that, I decided to continue forward — by stepping back. I had no choice. That was my excuse.
I put aside my school bag, leaving it closed. I picked up the plate of cookies and stood up. I walked over to Hikigaya's side at the opposite end of the long table, closing the gap between us to less than a metre. He looked up at me, trembling slightly. I was sure that I was trembling about ten times more than him. I held out the plate towards him.
"If you would," I offered.
"Oh, oh…"
My eyes were not directed squarely at him, being directed to the side. I only caught him reaching out for the plate in the corner of my eyes.
As the evening sun beat down on my skin from the window, I thought that my whole body burned twenty degrees higher. To the tune of Hikigaya's chewing, my knees that were knocking into each other provided a light, unnecessary accompaniment.
I could only manage to do this by covering up that fear, hiding it deep within the recesses of a bag out of sight. Yet even the supposedly less significant nervousness that was left was almost enough to make me turn back again.
Hikigaya finished the entire cookie. With a satisfied expression, he exposed to me his thoughts regarding it.
"…This is delicious," he mumbled.
Yuigahama commented, "I know right!"
Hearing their affirmations, my anxiety ebbed away like a river, deposited in some downstream pool that was beyond the horizon. But I would be fooling myself if I didn't tell myself that horizons were positionally relative.
I placed the plate of cookies at the centre of the table, within reaching distance of the three of us.
We continued to banter, to drink tea, and to reach out for the shared cookies.
Yuigahama did not open her own bag of cookies. There was no particular reason to do so, not when there was already a plate of them at the centre of the table. She left her own bag closed, for now.
Hikikgaya did not hold back on the cookies. When I brought it up, he told us that he was never one to refuse free things.
The discomforting existence of the two paper bags whose contents were not intended to be shared went unacknowledged.
Time flew by without event. Our moments in the club room passed by without a single request. Though, it was doubtful whether one should wonder about the lack of visitors excessively, much less complain about it. Even though plenty of things have happened in the past year, the existence of our club went unaccounted for in the mind of the wider public. Instead of the typical person, it was the atypical person who would think of visiting. In our little corner lay things that were a secret to the rest of the world.
Yuigahama and I waited in the vicinity but outside of the school gate. The sun had already set for a while, so the sky was darkened. Without that faint bit of gleaming warmth from the sun, the air was chillier, all the more. As a result, Yuigahama was shivering half-to-death.
"Uu— so cold!" said Yuigahama as she frantically hugged herself.
Feeling sorry for her, I spoke, "Better wrap your muffler properly around yourself now."
For some reason, Yuigahama's muffler was still packed in her bag. Perhaps she underestimated the coldness. I withdrew the muffler for her, then I wrapped it around her neck once over before forming a lose knot in front, securing it in place. Yuigahama's shivering subdued somewhat, and she gratefully snuggled up against the wool.
I heard the squeaking of wheels. Turning around, I spotted Hikigaya pulling his bike along towards us.
"It's seriously cold out here…" he complained.
I nodded in agreement. As unsightly as it was, my small shoulders were uncontrollably vibrating, trying their best to warm up my tiny body. The shaking was not restricted to my shoulders. My hands, legs, or any other part of my body that I happened to focus on, they were all unsteady.
"See you," said Hikigaya as he raised his hand.
"Yeah. See you tomorrow," returned Yuigahama.
Hikigaya was about to mount his bike. If he did that, he would pedal away, and the physical distance between us would expand from a few metres to many, many kilometres.
I stepped forward towards him. The bag of cookies reserved for him that was tucked away in my school bag, now would be the final chance to give to him. I tried to call out to him. What came out of my mouth was something incomprehensible, almost like a moan. Then, I stopped and became still.
Hikigaya wordlessly stared at me in concern, a repeat of before. He remained in place, as if beckoning me to continue, a gesture of consideration.
It was no different from when we were in the classroom. The last minuteness of this situation was not enough to force me to move forward. I was clutching my bag in nervousness, one hand gliding over its opening, refusing to enter.
I was afraid of what came afterwards.
"Ah, eh, I think I should just go on ahead?" said Yuigahama.
Yuigahama had retreated a step backwards while saying those words of consideration. Her words might have contained certain implications, but I was not brash enough to take them at face value. If I did that, I would hurt her, because I was aware of her own wants.
I shook my head. What I wanted to do should not violate her own desires. I gazed back at her, wanting her to remain here, because there was not supposed to be a need for consideration. She lowered head, frowning in darkness, seeming to be brooding over something. However, she raised her head back again with a gentle smile, seeming as if all was normal.
"Eh… What should we do?" she asked.
I started, "That is…"
Again, the words that I was supposed to say faded away like dissipating steam. I gripped my bag even tighter. My face, fully flushed, was the one part of my body that was hot enough to not be shivering.
What was I about to say to Yuigahama? That she should stay and watch over me for moral support? I was truly being selfish.
The two of them stood, waiting for me to do something. But I couldn't bring myself to carry on. I knew. My fears, even Yuigahama's fears, if I were to move onwards and bring something to fruition, those fears would be realized. Any sort of excuse, whether it consisted of Valentine's Day or other reasons, they would no longer hold up.
The three of us made no noise. However, that silence was broken an approaching click-clacking of heels. Reacting to that, Yuigahama turned around. She let out a yelp in surprise. Hikigaya and I also turned to that source of noise.
Standing nearby, with a wide, self-serving smile, was my sister Haruno.
She waved over at me and spoke, "Yukino-chan, I'm here to pick you up."
"Nee-san…"
The other two who were behind me were just as shocked as I was. There was plenty of precedence for my sister to appear out-of-the-blue, doing whatever she wanted. Yet, this was the first time she did something like this, something far more intrusive than usual.
"I see no reason for you to be coming here and fetching me," I responded.
My sister spoke matter-of-factly, "It's what our mom wanted me to do, and she wants us to live together for a while. Ah, there's a spare room in your apartment, right? It won't be a problem if I arrange for the luggage to be delivered tomorrow, right? If it's in the morning, I can take care of it, but I will be going out in the afternoon, so can I leave that to you?"
Her overly familiar tone, along with her precise directions, sounded like she had it planned out. Though, in this case, it was more likely that it was my mother who was scheming. With such a flurry of unexpected things, I could hardly keep up, let alone accept it.
"W-Wait, why this all of a sudden…" I said in bewilderment.
She laughed with great amusement. Her shoulders shook as if mocking me for not thinking five steps ahead.
"You should know, don't you?" she said with a smirk, "Or at least, have an idea."
I thought back to that night after the cooking event. It was still fresh in my mind, because what I had set out to do today was supposed to affirm what my mother had denied. Of course, that was for my own self-satisfaction. My mother would never see this.
"…This is something that I will do myself. It has nothing to do with you, Nee-san."
In time, after gathering myself, I would have to answer to our mother. It would not be something that my sister should be caring about. Rather, I doubted that my iron-willed mother would let my petty sister interfere. Whatever my sister sought to do now should not have any bearing on my eventual answer.
Haruno should have understood that. Even her current actions of picking me up was her dancing in my mother's palm. Even so, she pierced through me with her gaze, full of coldness.
To me, my sister pondered, "Does Yukino-chan even have a 'self'?"
"Wha…"
Her words, coming out at a breakneck abruptness, left me in a stupor. Of all the things that she could have done, she had said something akin to shattering a glass window.
She recklessly continued, "You have always been following in my footsteps. Can you really call that 'your own thoughts'?"
Her imposing hoarfrost froze me to the ground. There was no barrier to speak of. Her words passed through unfiltered to my core. They resonated. They amplified something that was already there that I never wanted to look at. That's why I could not even offer a single word of rebuttal.
Seeing my pitiful state, my sister sighed, seeming to have expected something a little different from me.
"Yukino-chan has always been allowed to do as she pleased, but she has yet to decide anything for herself."
She spoke with more gentleness, but there was an unmistakable deep disappointment. A full bottle had been tipped over, its contents rapidly spilling over. Her words seeped in place, like dye entering cloth. I couldn't even decide whether she was right or wrong because my evidence — everything up to now — was painted with her words.
Haruno gazed at Yuigahama. Yuigahama buried her face in her muffler. She looked past me at Hikigaya. I heard faint metallic clinging. Her stare returned to me, and she unceremoniously chuckled.
"Even now, you have no idea what you should be doing, don't you?"
That question was surely directed at all three of us. Yet, her tone made it clear that the cause of it lay with me.
"What does Yukino-chan want to do?"
Her question was not a request but an interrogation. She wanted to, from my emptiness, conjure up what little fragments did exist, as unready as I was. She wanted the rough draft of the rough draft. I would obviously offer a tailored answer to my mother. If the genuine thing was something like sour grapes, she wanted it even if it was fully unripe. It would be a conclusion, one that lay even farther beyond the bag of cookies.
But before either Haruno or I could say a word more, the sound of a parking brake being kicked into place robbed our attention.
Hikigaya spoke accusingly, "If you two are going to quarrel, could you do it somewhere else?"
The distantness of the explicit meaning of his words stung me a little, but it was clear that he was trying to stop my sister.
"A quarrel?", my sister spoke softly, "I hardly think that this qualifies as one. We've never actually argued before."
She raised both her hands as if saying that her hands were clean, as ineffective as that gesture was. Hikigaya glared at her, and his brows became strained.
"Even if that is true, this is not the place to say such things," he calmly replied.
Rather than argue back, my sister, for some reason, inserted an ounce of warmth to her cold smile. It was difficult to say that it was out of fondness. Rather, it was almost like she was admiring something unreachable.
Yuigahama pulled her face out of her muffler and took a step forward.
"Th-That… we are giving it some proper thought. Both Yukinon… and me," she said, her last words fading away under my sister's oppressive glare.
Seeing that, Haruno lost most of her coldness, replacing it with even more pity. Though not satisfied, my sister attained a reluctant confirmation.
"…I see. Then, I would like to hear it when you come back," she spoke to me.
But that was only a self-confirmation on her part. She was still waiting for my own answer.
"You have only one place that you can go back to anyway."
After she added that, she turned around and began walking away. Having abandoned her own duties for the sake of her little sister's self, her back disappeared around a corner.
A sigh of relief could be heard from Hikigaya. Yuigahama also seemed chipper.
Yet, there was no relief for me. With her last words, Haruno reaffirmed that there would be no running away from my decision. Even more so, it acted as an ultimatum. Offer my mother something convincing, or else she would do the convincing for me. If that were to happen, what would further become of my "self"?
Both Hikigaya and I stood still at a loss. My sister placed an unescapable vortex of contemplation at my feet. Would I be unable to even walk home until I could scrap together an answer?
But it was Yuigahama, who was not still but fumbling about, that provided some sort of action to cling on to.
"Um… I know!" she spoke brightly, "Want to come over to my place?"
Hikigaya and I were wordlessly pulled along the bustling streets by Yuigahama. Normally, I would be quite conscious of the density of the crowds eager to return from work or school, but what happened with my older sister weighed on my mind like a stone. Maintaining the minimum amount of attention to not walk into an object, the path of our travel did not even register into my mind as we made twists and turns. Only when the crowds of people thinned did I notice that we had arrived at our destination.
Yuigahama lived in a condominium. Such spaces were preferable to family units, rather than apartments. I thought of condos as places closer to the classic definition to a home than the place that I lived in. Though technically, the specifications of condos and apartments were not completely different, with the method of ownership (or lack thereof) being the largest difference.
Yuigahama led us into her own unit. When we entered, the customary words of entrance automatically left our mouths. It was the first time in a long while that we had spoken something.
The lights in the condo were already turned on. Since Yuigahama was an only child, it could be assumed that her parents were already home. Indeed, faint sounds of clinging cutlery and running water could be heard. Such sounds had been familiar to me at one point, but they had become foreign to me after moving out two years ago.
With a wide smile, Yuigahama pointed at a room at the end of the corridor. That room was most likely hers. We followed her as she walked to her room.
As I entered her room, the first thing that caught my eyes was all of the cute things overflowing from the racks and the entire surface of her desk. Naturally, my eyes scanned for Pan-san merchandise, but it seemed that she was not a big fan of it. In the corner was her bed. Its pink blanket was puffy, quite similar to its owner. At the centre of the room was a low table that did not even reach our waists. Its surface was completely clear, unlike her desk, so it must have seen much use.
"Sorry, my room is not very tidy," said Yuigahama apologetically.
I shook my head in response. It was certainly tidy enough, with nothing scattered across the ground. Even though Yuigahama was reckless and airheaded with regards to some tasks, she was not a messy person at heart.
Yuigahama sat down in front of the low table, beckoning us to come over. I obliged, and Yuigahama passed me a large, fluffy cushion. When I sat down, I could not resist hugging the cushion, engulfing the whole front of my body in its softness. Across from me, Hikigaya was doing the same, albeit clumsily. Seeing Hikigaya embracing the cushion so tightly, Yuigahama's smile became a little strained.
However, Yuigahama steadily became more and more nervous from there. The reason was that Hikigaya's eyes were darting from place to place, examining every inch of her room. No matter how much she was used to having visitors, having one's room, the reflection of their selves, being interrogated so closely, even Yuigahama would be unable to take it. Not to mention that the person doing it this time was Hikigaya. However, Hikigaya eventually became overly curious at one part of the room.
"C-Can you not keep staring there?" said Yuigahama in shame.
Flustered, Hikigaya spoke with a high-pitched voice, "Eh, an, no, because there's something like fried pasta over there?"
"That is a room fragrance…" said Yuigahama in amazement before laughing.
I couldn't prevent myself from snickering along. I buried my face in the cushion, but everything was shaking.
It couldn't be more obvious that it was the first time that Hikigaya was visiting a girl's room other than his sister's. I didn't think his common sense was scarce enough to not recognize common household items, though.
That little episode, one so common to our everyday, was enough to make me compose myself. I placed the cushion on the floor beside me and straightened my back.
I looked squarely at Yuigahama, then at Hikigaya. They stared back at me with serious expressions. Seeing that, I apologetically lowered my head.
"Sorry… For the trouble I caused…" I muttered.
"It's nothing!" said Yuigahama as she waved both her hands back and forth, "Don't worry about it."
"Exactly~. You don't have to worry at all."
An unfamiliar voice reverberated throughout the room, carrying homely cheer. Walking in was a most joyous lady carrying a tea set. Her hair was bundled up in a bun, just like with Yuigahama, though at the back of her head instead of at the top right. Her beige sweater had no particularly fancy or ornate designs, save for the turtleneck, yet she could somehow be described as stylish, if not simply attractive. Perhaps the underlying body made a larger impact than I thought, for even with that thick sweater on, it was quite easy to imagine some impressive proportions.
"Mama!" shouted Yuigahama, "Don't just enter without warning me."
This woman, Yuigahama's mother, simply smiled back and ignored her daughter's complaint, as if Yuigahama had, instead, invited her in the first place. Perhaps it was not just with my mother; all mothers were on a whole different level.
Yuigahama's mother knelt down and placed the tea set on the low table. She courteously poured tea for all of us. Being the closest, Hikigaya received his cup first.
"Ah, thank you. Sorry for the trouble…" muttered Hikigaya.
He could barely look her in the eyes. His cheeks were lightly flushed. He mostly kept his head down while trying to give Yuigahama's mother a few glances. It was a discomforting sight. Hikigaya having troubles with females was nothing new, but I preferred if he pretended to ignore them, rather than react so weirdly.
Yuigahama's mother was observing Hikigaya with the curiosity of a sniffing dog. Actually, I could picture her actually smelling him if it wasn't socially unacceptable.
"You must be Hikki-kun, right?" she spoke cheerily, like a contestant getting the right answer, "I always hear Yui talking about you."
Hikigaya stammered and widened his eyes in shock. His face reddened even more. While he was certainly embarrassed for himself, the fact that he glanced over at Yuigahama meant that he was feeling even greater second-hand embarrassment for the poor daughter having her secrets casually spilled.
"Mama, you don't have to have to tell him that!" bellowed Yuigahama.
Yuigahama pushed the platter of tea over to her part of the table. Then, with herculean force, she pulled her mother up by the armpits and attempted to push her mother out of her room.
"Eh… Mama wants to chat with Hikki as well," she spoke in utter disappointment.
"Give it a rest already!"
Before Yuigahama's mother was fully out of view, her eyes caught mine. However, it felt like it was no coincidence.
"Ah, that's right, Yukino-chan," she spoke.
Bewildered, I could barely reply, "Y-Yes?"
Her gaze blanketed me with warmth. Stories, word-of-mouth, and imagination did not prepare me in the slightest. I was beheld with this more typical, more emphatic "mother".
"You're going to stay over tonight, right? I'll go get the futon," she animatedly spoke.
"I can do that!" rejected Yuigahama.
Running around and doing things to make people feel more comfortable, it was a lot like her daughter. Having met Hikigaya and me, it seemed like she was trying to put in some extra effort. Whether it was because she had seen something or because she was acting politely towards her daughter's friends, how she carried herself did not, at all, bring to mind the act of backdoor maneuvering.
However, impressions were but surface-level illusions. I was well-aware of that. I had always been caught up on what little I could see, being unable to deal with the things that I couldn't.
With much struggle, Yuigahama managed to make her mother disappear to the corridor. It was a little regrettable, but we would be only sitting around tensely if her mother was lording over our get-together.
Yuigahama re-entered the room and promptly locked the door. As she made her way back to the table, she let out a magnificent sigh.
"Ahaha… Really sorry for that. When Mama knew that Yukinon was going to come, she was so happy. She's usually not that excited. This is so embarrassing…"
"No, that's not something to worry about," I said as I shook my head.
To be able to argue over something silly, to be comfortable enough to shove each other around, there was nothing wrong about the relationship between Yuigahama and her mother.
"Your relationship with your mother is really good," I continued, "I am a little envious of it."
I had intended to offer compliments, but my words came out heavier than I thought. In response, Yuigahama and Hikigaya could only give me lonely looks. Speaking like this could only bring our minds my own fractured relationship with my mother.
I had done it again. Even from something unrelated, I had managed to drag these two into my own problems. As a result, I soured the mood.
"Sorry, I must have said something weird…" I said apologetically, "I should be going back now."
I tried to let myself disappear, to prevent any more unnecessary discomfort. But my sister Haruno was right. The only place I could return to was my family. Should I vacate from this spot, I would have to return to my apartment, and thereby face my sister yet again.
However, Yuigahama quickly stood up. Towering above me, as I was about to stand up, she pushed down on my shoulders until my butt was back on the floor.
"Why not stay the night here?" she offered, "I sleep over at your place all the time. There are times where it's not so easy to go back home, right?"
I was thrown off by her sudden suggestion and could not immediately respond. What she said wasn't unreasonable, but I didn't want to recklessly impose. Furthermore, was it necessarily right to postpone things with my sister? I was already delaying things with my mother. Yet, it was undeniable that my "self" was in turmoil, whatever that self may have been. What good was it for my current self to meet with my sister?
Distraught, I had no answer, yet again. Yuigahama was looking at me with eager eyes, expecting a positive response, yet yielding the decision up to me. But I couldn't decide. My eyes darted around, and they naturally landed on Hikigaya's face.
Hikigaya thought for a moment while scratching his head. Yet he held none of my hesitation. His eyes, despite their usual lazy appearance, stared directly into mine with a laser-sharp focus.
"…Well, I would say that both of you have yet to calm down. So why not take a night to think things over? Just let her know, in case."
Yuigahama nodded her head and spoke, "Yeah. This sounds like a good idea."
With Hikigaya's approval, I became more comfortable to the idea of staying over. My concerns were still present, stilling roiling like soup, yet I thought I could agree to it, with all of the support for it.
"…What you say makes sense."
Thus, I had decided.
Wordlessly, I opened my school bag and withdrew my smartphone. Navigating through the interface, I started a phone call. The name "Yukinoshita Haruno" was displayed in bold text on the phone's screen. I waited until the dial tone ended before speaking my word of greeting.
"Hello."
I paused. With the situation having changed so suddenly and with me having made a decision so quickly, I had not prepared anything to say to my sister. There was nothing in my mind, save the previous conservation with the other two. With nothing else, I decided to paraphrase what was said.
"I think that the both of us have yet to calm down, so I'll take the night to think things over. I'm letting you know, just in case."
Yet, what came out of my lips could hardly be called a paraphrase. There was an unusual condensed insightfulness, a foreign sense of agency. It was too unknown to be called my own paraphrase. There was an awful, prickly feeling on my tongue.
No word of acknowledgement was given from the other end. Only muted sounds of breathing could be heard. The silence was frightening.
Yuigahama began, "Did she just…"
However, she trailed off without saying anything more. There was no way my sister could have heard such a distant voice. Yet, as if on cue, my sister finally began speaking, her clear voice filling the silent room.
"Oh, I understand. Hikigaya is there with you, right? Pass him the phone."
"Ah…"
Her odd request caused me to freeze up. I wondered what she could possibly want with Hikigaya.
"Hurry up," my sister coldly urged.
Not even three seconds passed before she got impatient. It was as if she could no longer trust me to even do simple tasks. Letting out a sigh, I made my way to Hikigaya's side and presented my phone to him.
"…My sister wants to speak with you," I hesitatingly spoke.
He stared at the phone knowingly. He must definitely have overheard. He took it into his hands.
To give him a little bit of privacy, I walked over to the other end of the room, where the window resided. At this distance, I could not hear much of their conversation. The only thing I heard was my sister's charming laughter. With Hikigaya, she laughed like she was truly impressed by something.
I looked out the window. The cold night had come, its darkness distributed thickly throughout the world. The distant lights of the city were but dots against a canvas of blackness. As such, there was nothing in the backdrop that could catch my eye. The only thing that I could pay attention to was the mirage that overlaid the night image, the translucent image of myself superimposed upon all of it. There could be no doubt about that image. It was most definitely my "self", but only the surface of it. What use was it to gaze at those translucent eyes? Past it was only frigid darkness.
I turned around. Hikigaya had already finished his conversation with my sister. He was undoubtedly fatigued. I felt regret. It was because I couldn't restrain my sister that she took unusual interest in Hikigaya. Like a cat presented with a toy, it hardly needed to be said what my sister did with the things she liked playing with.
I sat back down at the table. Hikigaya extended the full length of his arm across the table, taking care not to knock over the teapot and cups, to return my phone to me. It was an act that I could not replicate easily. I was too small. I received my phone and stored it away in my bag.
Energy was absent. Sitting here, sipping tea, was all that we could muster.
I had noticed the irony. As the Service Club, when it came to other people's problems, we could barrel forward, figuring things out with all of our wisdom and foolishness, sometimes solving the issues and other times hiding them away. Yet, when the such situations were forced upon ourselves, we could only sit here fatigued, not being able to try a single thing.
"Then, I will head back first," said Hikigaya.
I looked over at a clock. Already, the time was late enough where visitors would feel that they were being a bother, if they weren't going to stay the night. When Hikigaya stood up, Yuigahama did the same. I understood Yuigahama's intention; she wanted to see him off. I wanted to as well, so I stood up.
Hikigaya shook his head and said, "No, there's no need to."
"It'd feel strange to bid farewell here," said Yuigahama.
Hikigaya scratched his head but did not say anything further. It would have been pointless to argue.
The three of us walked to the door. When Yuigahama opened it, a frantic pitter patter could be heard barreling its way into the room. A four-legged creature leaped into view, colliding with Hikigaya. I stopped my feet. That thing that came in was Yuigahama's dog Sablé.
That dog performed some sort of territorial marking on Hikigaya as it barbarically smothered its head against Hikigaya's legs.
"Hey! Sablé!" yelled Yuigahama in admonishment.
She scooped up the dog, restraining it in her arms. It madly thrashed about, barking repeatedly at Hikigaya. The two of them walked into the corridor, acting as if nothing was wrong. I carefully followed after them, putting significant distance between myself and that animal.
I couldn't understand why anyone would want to keep a dog as a pet. They were overly rowdy and unpredictable. Cats were much better. Yes, cats were far cuter and made much less noise and didn't have such frightening faces.
When we reached the front door, Hikigaya put on his shoes. He gave me a brief look of understanding. Then, he turned to Yuigahama.
"Hey, Yuigahama. If Yukinoshita is going to stay over, then Sablé will have to—"
"Hikigaya-kun."
I interrupted him. I crossed my arms, hoping he would understand not to continue what he was saying. It wouldn't be good for him to show unnecessary consideration, neither for my own pride, nor for Yuigahama's affection for her dog.
"Sablé? What about him?" asked Yuigahama to the paused Hikigaya.
Fumbling for an answer, Hikigaya responded, "Ah… Sablé might be lonely without you, but learning how to bear with it will be good training for him. Especially for him."
"Yup, he will be fine!" she affirmed with a smile.
Hikigaya was fortunate enough to bring forth his ability of making incredulous things sound convincing. Although maybe the message recipient in question was too loose in her ability to accept things that were well-worded.
However, Yuigahama looked downwards at the dog in her arms, which was panting as it kept its eyes on Hikigaya.
"…Because here at home, Sablé always goes around bugging Mama," she added with sadness.
"Oh, so that's how it is…" he muttered.
Hikigaya gave her a wry smile of the "it can't be helped" variety. He gave that dog a final petting on the head. Sablé wagged its tail furiously in response, getting fur all over Yuigahama's clothes.
Pulling back his hand, Hikigaya spoke, "Then, I am going now."
"Yeah. Goodbye," said Yuigahama, giving him a warm smile.
I gave a little wave to Hikigaya. With his hands already in his pockets, Hikigaya nodded once towards me.
"Goodbye," I spoke.
He turned away. He opened the front door and made an immediate turn left, disappearing. Yuigahama and I remained rooted in place, listening to Hikigaya's retreating footsteps that became fainter and fainter. Sablé whined incessantly in loneliness.
I was aware of it. We didn't used to try to stick with each other for as long as possible, to prolong every millisecond. We became close; that was not deniable. Yet, there was uneasiness. I could empathize, unreasonably well, with Sablé's whining. Because, without his presence, there was only heaviness.
Perhaps my sister had noticed as well. She would eventually thrust it in front of me in the worst possible way.
"Yukinon, it's getting late. So, should we just get to bed?"
But it wouldn't be tonight. In the end, I was letting it all be consumed by time.
I insisted that I would lay down on the futon when Yuigahama offered her bed. I also refused her suggestion to share the same bed together. It was very much like Yuigahama to continually offer new suggestions, rather than to refute and break down arguments. Yet, she backed down sooner than usual, and I got my wish.
In the darkness of the room, underneath the blankets, my active mind kept me awake. Stress and epinephrine could keep one awake, because they did the exact opposite of rest and acetylcholine. But that activity fruitless. My brain was like a processor wasting clock cycles looping the same, useless code.
"Are you still awake?"
Yuigahama's quieted voice gently prodded me. Had I actually been asleep, her voice would have gone unheard by me. No, perhaps she was giving me a choice of whether or not to respond.
"Yes."
But I had no good reason to ignore an inquiry from my best and only friend.
She asked, "What do you want to do, Yukinon?"
"I…"
Countless people wanted to know that. My mother, my sister and my friend all wanted to know. Even I wanted to figure that out.
Studying, acquiring knowledge, getting experience, those were the kinds of things that any mother would want their kids to do. But such things were dry and objective. The things with substance and the things that defined who I was had to be found elsewhere. I was sure my mother was aware of that. I had to assume that her plans would account for that as well. But that could hardly be called my own choice, let alone my own self.
Then, what else? Actions had motivations, even if it was not plainly visible. One might even go so far as to say that actions are a spillover from overflowing will. But even there, I was not sure. It was because of my "self", which my sister Haruno did not believe in, which she viewed as a sham version of her own.
Nonetheless, I looked back. I had reached out. Sometimes I did grasp something. Most of the time, I failed to hold on to anything. If it was my sister, she would not bother in the first place. So, that pitiful act of reaching out was the one thing that could possibly resemble Yukinoshita Yukino.
I could feel that there was a possible answer, but it was completely unacceptable. It was not something that should be acknowledged. There was no telling what would happen, except that we would be thrown into despair. I knew that. But even if I was shameless enough, what would be the use? Whatever it was, I could absolutely not grasp it. I could hardly even grasp what was less than that.
That sole bag of cookies remained deep inside my school bag tucked away in a corner.
"Well, I know what I want to do," decisively spoke Yuigahama, "I've made up my mind."
Unlike me, Yuigahama always conveyed exactly what she wanted. I've always supported her. Where I couldn't, I made way for her. One day, I may even cry tears of blood for her. That's why, I will never acknowledge that something.
"Tomorrow."
Yuigahama's voice elevated to conversational volume. She turned her head towards me, and I met her with my eyes.
"Want to go on a date?"
"…Come again?"
Yuigahama's eyes were blindingly upbeat. It was beyond not taking no for an answer. It was as if she was already pulling my hand along.
Without checking where we were going, I silently nodded.
