Chapter 19- Friends
The following morning, I walked into the great hall with Ron, Ginny and Harry and my eyes immediately found him, easily recognisable by his shining white blonde hair. As if he sensed me, he lifted his eyes to meet mine and almost immediately his face lit up with a slow and genuine smile that just about took my breath away. He mouthed the word 'hi', to me and I couldn't help but smile back at him. I desperately wanted to be alone with him, but all it took was Ron nudging me, waiting for an answer to a question that I hadn't even heard, for me to be bumped back to reality.
All throughout breakfast my eyes kept involuntarily flicking over to him and each time that I did, I found his eyes firmly fixed on me, his smile becoming more and more of a smirk each time he caught me sneaking a peak over at him. I found that even though it was December and incredibly cold outside, I was feeling a strange heat begin to creep over me and I was pretty sure that I was blushing. I realised that I was finding it increasingly hard to keep track of what was going on around me. I was barely listening to what the others were saying, although I don't think that they really even noticed that I wasn't paying attention. From what I could gather they were busy talking Quidditch strategy – the next match against Ravenclaw would take place some time after the Christmas holidays and so Harry had upped the team's practices to give them as much preparation before the holidays as they could. I was pretty sure that they wouldn't be asking me for my opinion on anything Quidditch, so I was free to stare openly for a little while longer.
The fleeting glances between the two of us continued all throughout the day and the more that I saw of him, the more I had the intense feeling that I wanted to kiss him again. For the rest of the day I could feel whenever he was nearby, the heat of his stare making me very aware that I was being watched. My stomach flipped a little more each time that I saw him and when he brushed past me in the corridor, he very deliberately pushed his arm out slightly causing his fingers to gently brush against my hand making my whole body tense and goosebumps immediately appear all over my arm. He was driving me crazy and from the satisfied glint in his eyes, he knew it.
It was however in our potions class, which was the last class of the day, when he decided to strike. Potions classes were held in the dungeon and today it was absolutely freezing so we were all extremely grateful for the fact that the fires were lit which meant that today we would be making a potion. I tried my best to listen to Professor Haven when she was giving the instructions; I was determined that I was going to make a good potion today. We were learning how to make a cure for a cold, which would be useful since half of the castle had a bright red and runny nose caused by the freezing winds that were blowing about the highland mountains. However I couldn't help but sneak glances over to my old table, now Draco's table, every so often. He was concentrating on chopping his mandrake roots, his brow furrowed in concentration, as his long, elegant fingers checked that each of his roots were perfectly even in size. I spent so long watching what Draco was doing that I wasn't paying attention to what I was supposed to doing. It was only when Professor Haven told us that we had thirty minutes left that I panicked and realised that I really had to start concentrating or I was never going to get my own potion finished and I had a reputation to maintain. However when I looked at the stock pile that Terry and I were to share I realised that there was no Wormwood left.
'Did you use all of the Wormwood?' I asked Terry, trying not to sound too snappy.
'Dunno,' he answered bluntly, not even bothering to take his eyes off of his cauldron.
'Well there isn't any here and there should have been enough for both of us,' I said, my voice rising with irritation.
'Well then I guess I must have,' Terry said with a shrug.
'And you wouldn't have thought to maybe get some more since you used the whole supply?'
'Well you know what they say, if you're slow, you're last,' he said, giving me an almost Draco worthy smirk.
'Well maybe if you had managed to not to screw up yours in the first place, then you wouldn't have had to steal mine,' I said through gritted teeth. 'But you know what Terry, don't worry about it, you clearly need it more than I do,' I said scathingly, before turning around and walking to the supply cupboard, totally enjoying the complete look of fury on Terry's face.
My anger had faded by the time that I found the jar that contained the Wormwood when I felt a presence in the cupboard behind me. I whipped around and nearly dropped what I was holding when I saw that Draco was leaning against the door frame watching me.
'Hi,' I said, rather breathlessly, my heart pumping wildly in my chest not only from the fright, but from Draco's proximity to me in the small enclosed space.
'Hey,' he said simply, giving me a trademark Malfoy smirk. Terry Boot had nothing on him.
After a moment of awkward silence I finally spoke, 'Did you, um, need some of the Wormwood?' I asked.
He looked down at the jar in my hand before bringing his gaze back to my face. 'No.'
He continued to look at me a strange look in his eye, as if he were waiting for the answer to a question that he hadn't even asked. Completely bemused and because he was blocking the door, I had no choice but stay where I was.
'Um, so is there a reason that you came to the potions cupboard?' I asked, 'or are you just here to admire the view,' I asked, trying to break the tension.
'Something like that,' he said, his eyes flicking down over my body before returning to my face, which of course caused me to blush furiously.
'So you don't hate me then?' he asked suddenly.
'What?' I said surprised at the turn in the conversation, 'Why would you think that I hate you?'
'I just thought that maybe, you might regret what happened last night, between us. And I've been wanting to speak to you all day and there just wasn't a moment when you've been alone. I saw you come in here and I just had to speak to you. I had to know.'
'Draco, I really think that we should get back to class. We can talk later,' I said, trying to get past him at the door. I really didn't want to be having a discussion about the two of us in the middle of potions class where anyone could hear.
'No please,' he said, stepping further inside and closing the door to the cupboard behind him. 'Hermione I am going crazy here. You kissed me back last night, but you never really told me what you wanted. Was it just a kiss?' he asked sounding nervous, 'or is there a chance that you might want something more. With me.'
'Draco, I really need to get back to class,' I said firmly, avoiding his gaze, 'we both do.'
'Meet me tonight,' he blurted out suddenly, pressing himself against the door so that I had no way of leaving.
'Draco,' I said warningly, almost pleadingly.
'Hermione, please.' He leaned in close, trapping me with his stare, his grey eyes meeting my brown ones. When he spoke his voice was low and insistent. 'Just meet me tonight. Please. We can talk.'
'Why?' I answered, my voice catching.
'So you can get to know me better,' he smirked.
'I don't know Draco, I don't know if I'll be able to get away from the others,' I lied, knowing that I could easily get away if I wanted to. The others would easily believe that I had gone to library again. What's more Draco knew it too.
'Well you should know that I am not moving from this door until you agree,' he said, widening his stance to completely block the door and raising one perfectly arched eyebrow in challenge.
I met his gaze in challenge for a full stubborn minute before I relented. 'Fine,' I agreed reluctantly sensing that this was one battle I would not win, was a battle I didn't really want to win. 'Not that you're leaving me much choice.'
'Excellent,' he said, ignoring the pointed look that I was giving him. 'Shall we say the kitchens again. About eight?'
'Sure,' I agreed, unable to stop the slow smile that was threatening to appear. 'So… can you actually let me past, I said walking forward to get past him and out of the door. However, he didn't budge. He stood firm in front of the door despite the fact that I was standing so close that I could feel the heat radiating from him. I looked up in question, to find him staring at me intently. The second that my eyes met his, he swooped down and caught my lips in the briefest of kisses. As soon as my eyes closed, he pulled away and turned and walked out of the door, leaving me standing completely breathless, totally stunned and definitely wanting more.
The rest of potions class definitely wasn't easy. No one seemed to have noticed the fact that I had been in the store cupboard for at least five minutes and emerged completely flushed, but I was more preoccupied by the startling revelation that not only did I actually more than like Draco Malfoy, but I was fairly certain that he more than liked me too. Whatever doubts I may have had about him and his motivations, he was either a really good actor or he was being genuine. For the next twenty minutes I moved around on auto pilot, my head denying everything that my heart was trying to tell it. I didn't even care that my potion was definitely just average. I didn't care that Terry Boot had most definitely made a better potion than me. I didn't even care that he was continuing to gloat about the fact that he'd beaten me. All I cared about was that I was going to be with Draco tonight and we would be completely alone.
That night at dinner, I found that I barely ate a thing. My stomach was too busy performing an entire gymnastics routine full of twists and tumbles for me to even think about eating. Every part of me tingled with nervous energy resulting in my foot was tapping up and down underneath the table, much to Ginny's annoyance. The others were still wrapped up in Quidditch strategy but even they noticed that I hadn't eaten anything. I kept on glancing at my watch seeing how long it was before I would have to leave. Seeing how long I had left to come to my senses.
'Why do you keep looking at your watch,' Ginny asked with a raised eyebrow. 'Have you got a hot date or something?' she joked. My heart literally stopped beating.
Ha, yeah right,' I answered weakly, 'I'm just looking at the time.' I gave her a small smile, trying to look innocent, but quickly avoided her eyes.
'Uh, huh,' she said sceptically, 'And you've barely touched your dinner,' she added as if this was further proof that something wasn't right.
'I'm just not hungry,' I answered as we all stood up from our places at the table.
'Right,' she said with a distinct air of suspicion in her voice. She stared at me for a long moment, before deciding to drop it. 'Well Harry and I are going to take a walk if that's ok,' Ginny said, while Harry hovered awkwardly behind her, desperately trying not to look at Ron.
'Sure, see you later,' I said giving them a wave as they all but ran out of the great hall hand in hand. Okay. I turned to Ron. Two down, one to go.
'Right, what are we going to do then?' Ron said awkwardly.
'Em, well I was actually going to catch up on some homework.'
'Cool, well you can help me with Transfiguration,' he said, stepping in to walk beside me, 'I don't understand it at all.'
'Actually I was going to do Arithmancy tonight,' I lied, picking one of the subjects that Ron didn't take.
'Okay, well maybe we can go to the library together.'
By this point I was getting pretty desperate. And frustrated. If four months ago Ron had wanted to spend the evening alone with me I would have jumped at the chance but now all I wanted was for him to go away.
'Oh, you know what, I actually need to go and ask Professor Vector something about the assignment she gave us and then my book is back in the dorms, so you can go to the library if you want, but I'll probably be a while.'
'I could come with you if you like?' he asked hopefully.
'No, thanks. I'll see you later,' I said shutting him down as quickly as I could. Whatever guilt I may have felt soon passed when I looked at my watch and realised that I had less than ten minutes to get to the kitchens.
I was nearly ten minutes late by the time I reached the kitchens and I guessed that he would already be inside. I tried to steady my breathing from having to run most of the way here and checked that my hair was still reasonably flat. It was of course, George's hair serum really was a miracle cure. When I was sure I looked decent, I turned to face the picture on the wall and reached out my hand to tickle the pear. My hand paused, suspended in mid-air as I was paralysed by one final flash of doubt. Once I stepped inside that room there would be no going back. I could easily turn around now and go back to the way my life had been before. Lonely and miserable. Or I could be the brave Gryffindor and take a chance on something that could make me happy.
When I walked into the room, Draco was pacing back and forth, a deep frown etched onto his features. As if sensing that he was no longer alone, he suddenly stopped and whipped around to face me, standing in the doorway. The kitchen was quiet. I had thought that the house elves would still be busy clearing up after dinner but there were only a couple still pottering about wiping down tables and putting some things away. I stayed standing in the doorway, rooted to the spot, unable to commit to that final step.
'I wasn't sure that you were going to show,' he said, giving me a nervous smile.
'I said I would be here,' I replied quickly, instantly wincing at how snappy I sounded.
After that there was an awkward silence. I waited for him to say something but he remained silent, just staring at me. I didn't even know what this was, all I knew was that whatever it was, he had invited me here and I was waiting for him to take the first step.
The silence went on until it had become past the point of awkwardness and into the realm of unbearable. I had just about made up my mind to cut my losses and leave when to my relief, he finally spoke.
'Are you hungry?' he asked.
I wasn't. I was too nervous to be hungry, but looking at his hopeful face I nodded warily at him, but stayed exactly where I was.
'You know I don't know about you but I prefer to sit at the table to eat, but you know, standing in the doorway, I guess that works too.'
Feeling incredibly stupid, I finally moved from the doorway and actually entered the room, making my way to the table in the centre. Draco watched me the whole way with a definite look of amusement in his eyes.
When I finally reached the table, he held out a chair for me to sit on and it became my turn to smile at him.
'Wow, what a gentleman,' I said, mocking him slightly. He just shrugged his shoulders, but couldn't keep the grin off of his face as he moved around to the other side of the table and sat opposite me.
'Are you sure it's ok for us to be here. They look a little busy.' I looked around eying the few visible house elves were scurrying about with pots and plates from tonight's dinner.
'Are you kidding,' he laughed. 'They love to help.' He must have seen the frown that crossed my face because then he added, 'Don't worry Granger, I did ask them and they're honestly happy to meet our every need.' I gave him a small shrug to let him know that it was ok, although I was actually surprised that he had bothered to ask them.
'So you must be hungry. You didn't eat much at dinner,' he said, leaning casually back in his chair with a definite glint in his eye.
'And how on earth would you know that I didn't each much for dinner?' I had of course seen him at dinner. It was becoming a part of my routine to walk into the great hall and scan around to check if he was there. So of course I had seen him at dinner, talking to Blaise Zabini, but he hadn't seemed to notice me.
'It's a gift. I know everything,' he said, his voice laced with fake arrogance.
'Or you were just being a stalker and couldn't keep your eyes off of me,' I teased back, batting my eyelashes at him, before bursting out laughing.
He looked me square in the eyes for a moment, before grinning and sliding his eyes to side. 'And why couldn't you eat your dinner I wonder,' he said returning his gaze to mine, 'Was it because you were just too nervous because you knew you would be seeing me later,' he said, smirking at the blush that was appearing on my cheeks, giving him all the answers he needed.
'So what are we having to eat then? Since you deprived me of my dinner,' I asked him trying to change the subject and avoid the eyes that kept boring into mine.
'How about dessert? Apple pie?'
'Apple pie are you serious?' I asked in mock horror.
'What?' he asked with a confused laugh.
'Apple pie? How could anyone choose apple pie for dessert when chocolate is an option?' I tutted and gave a loud, disappointed sigh. 'And here was me thinking that we were getting along.'
'Hey, if you are dissing apple pie, then you and I are going to have a serious falling out.'
I was smiling at him when an elf called Binky came and asked us what we both wanted, Draco asking for a cold apple pie with cream and me asking for a hot chocolate fudge cake with ice cream. I waited until the elf had left the table before I turned back to Draco.
'And to think that I actually like someone who's a fan of cold deserts and apple pie no less. Such poor tastes.'
I watched as the smile slid off of his face as a strange look appeared in his eye. .
'What? What is it?' I asked, wondering what had caused the sudden change.
'You like me?' he said, his voice quiet, as a small smile tugged at the edges of his lips.
I opened my mouth to answer him and then closed it again quickly. I hadn't even realised what I had said, but thinking about it I realised that it was true. Strangely enough he was the person in the day that I most looked forward to seeing and he was the only person who I had actually told things to. Things the others still didn't know. And although I would never admit it to him, he was the person that appeared in my dreams; he was the person that I wanted to kiss. Looking at his face I wasn't sure which answer he actually wanted to hear, but I decided to go with the honest answer.
'Of course I like you Draco. We're… friends aren't we?' I said, really wishing that I could find a better word than friends to describe us. It didn't seem enough. He was definitely more than a friend to me.
'Friends,' he repeated, his lips falling back into a hard straight line. I nodded in agreement, wishing that I could say more. Draco looked back at me with what something akin to disappointment in his eyes, before he looked away from me again and stared at the wall. He stayed silent for a while and I watched as the muscles in his jaw worked furiously and he repeatedly clenched and unclenched his fist. I sat in silence wondering what I had said that was wrong.
'Hermione I don't just want to be friends with you,' he said eventually, meeting my gaze for the briefest second before it flicked away again, 'I want to be more than that.'
'I don't know what you mean,' I said warily, although secretly I hoped that I did know what he meant. I just didn't want to be the one to say it first.
Draco let out a groan of exasperation. 'Damn it Hermione, you know exactly what I mean. I like you. I want to spend time with you. I want to be with you.'
'What like boyfriend and girlfriend?' I asked jokingly. Nerves were really getting the better of me.
'If you want to put a label on it, then yes,' he said simply and with such honesty that it startled me.
I had been wrong before when I was debating whether or not to come into the kitchen and meet Draco. This was the point of no return. This was the moment where I would make the decision that would change everything. Should I listen to my head, or listen to my heart.
A million different thoughts entered into my head. A million different scenarios where I played over what the outcome of us together would be. But in the end I could never know how it would end up. No amount of logic or rationalising would help me to solve the problem. I had to decide whether or not to take a chance. I looked up into his eyes and with what I saw there, all of my doubts disappeared. Even if I wasn't sure, Draco's eyes held absolutely no trace of doubt. Knowing that there was no going back, I took a deep breath. 'Okay then,' I answered, sounding more sure than I felt.
'Really,' he whispered, looking stunned in a happy sort of way. 'We're really going to do this? You and me. We're going to give this a go?
'Yeah, I mean, if you want to.'
'Seriously? Of course I do,' he said leaning forward in his seat and closing the distance between us.
'Okay then,' I said smiling at him, as my heart quite literally hammered inside of my chest both with fear at what I'd just said and with the thrill of it. Just at that moment Binky reappeared with our desserts, forcing us to break eye contact. When she finally moved away I nervously met his eyes before tucking into my dessert. As the first spoonful of warm, delicious chocolate passed my lips I let out an involuntary moan of approval, which made Draco chuckle from the other side of the table.
I finished my dessert first. I guess I had been hungrier than I had realised. Once I placed my spoon back down on my plate, I couldn't help but watch Draco as he was eating. Noticing how relaxed he seemed. There was almost a small smile at the edge of his mouth and for nearly the first time in eight years I couldn't help but think that he looked almost happy. He looked different this way. The contrast to his usual features was startling and I wished that everyone could get to see this Draco. Could get the chance to know him. But thinking of Harry and Ron I knew that it would never happen. They would never even give him the chance to show them that he had changed. And they certainly wouldn't like me with him.
I had taken a chance on choosing to be with Draco but I wasn't sure I was willing to take that chance with Ron and Harry. Not yet anyway. I didn't want them to turn their backs on me. I didn't want to be alone.
'Erm, Draco, about this, about us,' I said gesturing between the two of us,' Can I ask you something?'
'Sure,' he answered, eyeing me warily. He dropped his spoon onto his plate with a clatter and a house elf immediately came to remove it. I waited until they had left before I spoke.
'Can we just keep this between us, for now? I mean just for a little while.'
Draco's eyes immediately hardened and he crossed his arms across his chest.
'I just don't think that people will understand,' I said trying to justify myself, trying to make him understand, 'and they'll be judging us and interfering and I just want it to be us for a little while before everyone else comes in and ruin things.'
'Hermione I don't give a damn what people think. I want to be with you and if you want to be with me, then that's all that should matter,' he challenged, fire sparking in his eyes.
'Then why can't we be together?' I said desperately, 'Why can't we just spend some time together and see what happens, instead of complicating things with other people?'
'Hermione, I…' he began before I cut him off.
'Please,' I pleaded softly. 'Please.'
I could tell that he was thinking about it as he sighed deeply, closing his eyes as his jaw clenched furiously, before he opened them and reluctantly said, 'Fine. We'll do it your way. For now.'
I didn't miss the warning in his words, but I had bought myself some time at least. Why risk rocking the boat if you weren't sure that it was the right boat for you in the first place? At least I could find out for sure if there was anything between us before having to face Harry and Ron's wrath.
'Thank you,' I sighed in relief. Draco nodded shortly but I could see that he disagreed with me. Thinking that we were better to take things slowly I decided to call it a night. 'I should go,' I say reluctantly, 'it's getting late.'
'Fine,' he said deliberately not looking at me as I walked to the door. I was about to leave, but I didn't want to leave things awkwardly, so I turned around and said, 'Draco, please don't be mad at me. It's only for a little while I promise.'
'I'm not mad,' he answered, lifting his head to look me straight in the eye, 'I'm just… disappointed.'
Somehow that hurt me even more.
A/N- Thank you to the people who reviews the last chapter. It honestly means a lot because the more that you review, the more often I'll be motivated to update. Anyway, this is posted a little earlier than planned. I hope you are all enjoying Easter weekend, whatever you're doing and staying safe wherever in the world you are. Hope you enjoy this chapter, and as usual if you're enjoying it then please favourite, follow or review. Please don't underestimate just how much it means.
