Chapter Twenty-Two: Same

"Mama."

"Yes, Luke," Ahsoka said without opening her eyes.

"How much longer do we have to do this? It's boring."

"Yes," Ahsoka agreed. "Meditating can seem boring. But it'll help you strengthen your connection with the Force and help you learn to keep yourself safe from bad people."

"But Mama, you keep us safe from bad people," Luke said earnestly, causing Ahsoka to smile.

"Yes. I do. But for when I'm not around."

"Like when you go on missions," Leia asked.

"Yes. Now no more talking. Think about something that makes you want to be quiet. Something that makes you feel safe," Ahsoka instructed, opening an eye open to make sure the twin's eyes were still closed. "Got it?"

"Yes," they both chorused.

"Okay. Focus on that. Ten more minutes, and we'll be done for the day."

"Ten minutes! Mama, that's such a l—"

"Quiet," Ahsoka reminded Luke gently.

She heard him sigh, but he did as she instructed or, at the very least, tried to as far as Ahsoka was aware. Sometimes she worried about the twins, both so bright and powerful in the Force. But because it was too dangerous to give them any proper training, they were so behind where they probably would have been at four years old if they'd had a chance to train in the Jedi temple. She tried not to compare their upbringing to her own in the Jedi temple, but it was the only Force teaching way that Ahsoka had to compare. In the temple, at their age, a youngling would have been able to sit in meditation for an hour. But the twins would barely just sit still for thirty minutes on a good day. Today she was struggling to get them to do just twenty.

Ahsoka resisted the urge to sigh, not wanting to disturb Luke's and Leia's maybe meditative state. The twins weren't at the temple getting regular, daily instruction from a multitude of instructors in the Force. Just her when she had the time and patience to instruct them and when it wasn't interrupting their daily tutoring. Frankly, Ahsoka didn't want them to have an upbringing that was like her temple one. They'd eventually learn to control their powers. For now, they had her.

"Mama."

Ahsoka did sigh then. "Yes, Luke."

"Can we be Jedi like you when we grow up?"

Ahsoka didn't immediately answer. How did she tell her four-year-old son that she really would prefer that he didn't?

"I don't know," Ahsoka finally decided on. "And I'm not a Jedi anymore, little one."

Luke ignored the last part. "Why don't you know, Mama?"

"Because there are some other things that you should learn before you make that decision." Never mind that being a Jedi wasn't a decision anyone in recent history got the chance to make. If you were discovered and taken to the temple at a young enough age, that decision was made for you. Not many walked away from that life, even when they had a good reason.

Ever curious, Luke asked, "What things do I need to learn?"

"Things that only growing up some more can teach you. And Jedi meditate daily." They were supposed to anyway. Anakin hadn't—not in any way that the High Council would have approved—and he'd passed down the bad habit to her.

"Well, I don't know if I want to be a Jedi," Leia piped up.

"And that's fine. You've got plenty of time to figure it out," Ahsoka said, deciding they were getting nowhere with meditation today. "Okay. Enough meditating."

"Yay!" both children exclaimed as they jumped up from their seats to lean over Ahsoka's thighs on either side.

"Mama, can you teach me how to use a blaster?" Leia asked.

"Can you teach me how to fly?" Luke asked.

"Leia, why do you want to learn how to shoot a blaster?"

"So I can shoot bad guys like the Black Krayt," Leia said, referencing a charming scoundrel in a cartoon show that, in hindsight, Ahsoka wasn't sure she should have let Leia watch. Still, knowing how to handle a blaster was a useful skill to have.

"When you're a couple of years older," Ahsoka replied.

Leia huffed and crossed her arms. "You always say that, Mama."

"When can I learn to fly?" asked Luke.

"When you're a couple of years older."

Leia gave Luke a pointed look, and Ahsoka choked back a laugh at her outdone expression.

"See," Leia said, rolling her eyes dramatically. "That's always her answer. Mama never lets us do anything."

"Yes, she does!" Luke said.

"Like what?"

Luke seemed to be at a loss for words here, not as quick and ready with them as Leia was.

"Told you!" Leia said with a triumphant giggle.

"Mama, tell Leia you let us do a lot of things."

"I do," Ahsoka replied. She probably gave them a lot more leeway than they should have at this age. Before either twin could answer that, she decided to end the argument. The two of them could go on bickering about anything for hours if she let them. "I think Winter might be awake from her nap now. Let's go see if she's out in the gardens with her mother."

The twins jumped up to go find shoes while Ahsoka found her boots where she'd left them near the door. The twins came back, seemingly ready to go, but Ahsoka ended up having to put Luke's shoes on the right feet and send them both back to get their coats.

"Mama. I can't find my ball or Luke's plane," Leia said in distress when they came back in their coats.

Ahsoka used the Force to summon them from the top shelf she'd put both items on the day before after Luke and Leia had both knocked over the plant in the corner from throwing things inside that were meant to be thrown outside. It had occured to neither to use the Force to summon the toys back down.

Both giggled as they grabbed their respective toys out the air in front of them, all ready to go.

They walked ahead of Ahsoka as they went to the gardens, knowing their home almost better than Ahsoka knew it. Like Ahsoka knew she would at this time of day, she found Breha sitting in the middle of the snowy gardens without a thought or care of the snow staining her beautiful dress. She laughed when her daughter presented her with a flower that survived the snowstorm of a few days ago.

"Winter," Luke and Leia shouted, running to the girl as though they hadn't just seen her that morning at breakfast.

Effectively distracted, Winter dropped the flower in her mother's lap and went to play with her two companions.

Ahsoka dropped down to sit next to Breha, who was now twirling the flower in her hand.

"How are you, my friend? You've been on planet for an entire two weeks, and somehow we haven't had the chance to catch up," Breha said wistfully.

"Feeling like I'm constantly exhausted and that there aren't enough hours in the day to accomplish everything I need to. I finish one task, and then three more things are brought to my attention," Ahsoka replied to the woman.

"Ah, yes. I empathize with you. Such is the life of leadership. Always something to do. And then trying to find the balance with being a wife and mother. Just a mother for you, though no less of a balancing act, all things considered," Breha added. "But from what I've heard, you're doing a phenomenal job."

"It's not through my efforts alone. I have a lot of help from the right people."

"That might be true. But I don't think without you there would have been nearly as much progress with you and my husband's outreach project as you've managed in these last two years," Breha said, using the name they called the fledging rebellion when there might be ears around to hear them. The Alderaan Palace was relatively secure, but they could never be too careful. "My mother told me when I was young and preparing to become queen that the mark of a great leader is not that she has the answer to everything or that she can even do everything. But a great leader is brave enough to admit that she doesn't have all the answers and is willing to find those who do have the answers and place them where they are most needed to help the people that trust her to lead them."

"I guess. Sometimes it feels like I'm not doing enough."

"That's a good feeling to have. If you don't feel like you could be doing more, you become complacent with your position and corrupted by the power that comes with positions like ours," said Breha.

Ahsoka wondered just how much Breha knew about the slowly shifting dynamics in the leadership structure of the rebellion that she now compared her queenship to Ahsoka's role. Technically, the rebellion had a very loose command structure with senators like Bail and Mon and a couple of generals, like Ahsoka at the top. Bail and Mon had been the point people, using their positions in the Senate to both try to get any leverage changing the Empire from within the system. At the same time, they used their access to find allies and help from outside the red tape of the Empire. That changed once Ahsoka took a prominent role.

Bail and Mon still got information on possible allies and tips on what the Empire was doing from the senatorial perspective, but Ahsoka dealt with the day to day running of the rebellion. She was the one with the most freedom since she was suspected dead—at the very least MIA to the Empire. Not to mention her Imperial contact, whose identity she wouldn't disclose but kept her just a hairsbreadth ahead of the Empire. If there was any de-facto leader of their organized network of rebellion, Ahsoka was the one. Frankly, she'd expected it to take a lot longer, to not be this easy to rise to the head of the rebellion so quickly.

"But don't be too hard on yourself. It's okay to take a break. What you've done in such a short amount of time is commendable," said Breha. Then she added in a low tone, "Especially with the Jedi."

Ahsoka made a humming sound at that.

"It's not that hard. They're Jedi."

"Yes, but you don't know how many Jedi my husband got in contact with who turned him down, preferring to work alone. And who could blame them? With the way the government they served turned on them," Breha said with a sigh. "But I think seeing another Jedi so determined and breaking ground like you gives them hope."

Ahsoka held back a scoff. So they thought now. Wait until they found out who she was working with.

"I don't profess to be a Jedi anymore. You know that. The few Jedi we've managed to make contact with know that. If they're changing their minds about helping, it's not because I'm a Jedi," Ahsoka argued.

"Maybe not. But I do think seeing you charge ahead anyway makes them not feel so alone. I heard that the sudden extermination was painful for those near the core when it happened," Breha added.

Ahsoka frowned. "What do you mean?"

"I don't know much about the Force," Breha admitted. "But one of the padawans Diya brought through briefly a few months ago, the one that managed to escape Imperial Center... I heard them telling Diya about how much it hurt to feel all the deaths of the people they'd grown up with when it first happened. For a moment, she couldn't even breathe. That they even still have nightmares about that bright spot where all the Jedi were suddenly going dark."

Ahsoka's frown deepened, and seeing that she was bothered, Breha was quick to apologize. But for the wrong thing.

"I apologize if that brought up bad memories and feelings."

"It's okay," Ahsoka muttered, shaking her head.

"You have so much on your shoulders for someone so young. Sometimes, it makes me wish there was a way I could do more."

"You're doing enough," Ahsoka assured, gaze going to where Luke and Leia were both trying to show Winter how to do a forward roll. "Besides, you have a lot to risk."

"So do you," Breha said and then leaned over and placed a chaste kiss on Ahsoka's cheek.

It was an Alderaanian thing to do. A show of platonic love, trust, family, and close bonds. Sisterhood, in this case. A show of solidarity for a shared cause.

"Thank you, Breha," Ahsoka said, returning the kiss on the woman's cheek.

"You're always welcome, Ahsoka." Breha then turned to Ahsoka with a grin on her lips as she said, "Now, let me catch you up on palace dealings. It always seems like everything juicy happens at the same time. And always when you're away on a mission."

Ahsoka managed a laugh at that. Breha, as it turned out, loved to gossip, and Ahsoka was one of the few people that the woman could let down around to indulge in the habit.

Breha's palace gossip was only a temporary distraction from Ahsoka's thoughts about the Jedi, though. Even her renouncement didn't keep her from Jedi dealings, namely intercepting Vader and his inquisitors in their hunt to exterminate the remaining Jedi. Her agents didn't always find Jedi in time to intervene. Even when they did, it sometimes meant days and weeks losing the trail of an inquisitor before Ahsoka could safely place the rescued Jedi in hiding with one of her resistance cells.

The Jedi were nothing if not resilient though—even through dealing with nightmares from feeling the deaths of the Jedi throughout the galaxy for some, particularly the small minority who managed to escape Coruscant.

Ahsoka had her own nightmares to deal with. You didn't just go unscathed when your best friend betrayed you. Even now, Ahsoka had her fears that with Palpatine as their common enemy, the promise of absolute power, and the prospect of having his children safe and near him, it wouldn't be enough to keep Vader from turning on them again. But she didn't have nightmares about feeling the death of the Jedi. She didn't even remember feeling it at all except for a sharp warning of things to come from the Force, even though she'd been on Coruscant and watched the temple burn from Padmé's apartment window.

Ahsoka should have felt it. She should have felt the people she'd grown up with and considered family dying in the only home she'd ever had. Or who'd she'd considered family at one point. Where she'd considered home at one point. By the time the Empire had risen, it had just been a place she laid her head when she was on Coruscant, the people there little more than fellow coworkers and colleagues that were in the same line of work that she was. The Order had been lost to her long before it had fallen.

But had she been so detached, so bitter, so angry that she hadn't felt the sting of all those deaths? Had she been so far removed that she hadn't been able to sense their suffering while being right in the center of it?

She didn't have a lot of people to discuss it with for comparison's sake. Certainly not to a lone Jedi knight that she'd come across and now the padawan that Breha had overheard talking to Diya, both who sensed the deaths. Obi-wan was an option, but when they talked two years ago, she hadn't left on precisely good terms. Then there was Vader…

She turned the comm he'd given her in her hand once again.

"This is a stupid idea," Ahsoka muttered to herself. But she'd thought the same thing about ever working on the same side with Vader again, and that had… well, it was working alright, she guessed.

Ahsoka clicked on the comm and then tapped the button to connect to the only code programmed into the device. There was no telling what he was doing at any given time in the galaxy. For all she knew, he might be in the middle of a mission. He probably wouldn't answer. And when he didn't answer, she'd shake her head at her silliness and—

"What?" the holo image of Vader, in full suit and armor, said, sitting in what looked like his office.

Ahsoka stared. Now faced with Vader, she wasn't sure why it had even been an option to contact him about something like this in the first place.

She shook her head. "Never mind. I didn't expect you to answer. I shouldn't have comm'd in the first place."

Ahsoka reached to disconnect the comm but found the grip of the Force not quite staying her hand. It felt more like someone gently placing their hand on top of hers to give her pause.

"What?" Vader insisted.

"Are you doing that?" Ahsoka asked. "Through the comm?"

He knew what she was talking about without her specifying. "A skill I'm working on perfecting. Now what?"

"I… just have a question to ask. That's all."

"Of course you did. Otherwise, you would not have comm'd me. About what?"

Sensing him getting impatient, Ahsoka decided to stop beating around the bush.

"About when the Emperor gave the order to kill the Jedi," Ahsoka blurted out. "Did you… I mean, I knew it was happening, but I didn't feel it. Not like other J—Not like other people I've talked to did. Even a younger one."

He didn't answer immediately. Only stared at her with his arms crossed, and Ahsoka could just picture him without his mask, an eyebrow raised and a smirk playing his lips. A sound came out his voice modulator that Ahsoka was sure was supposed to be a laugh and confirmed her suspicions.

"Finally coming to the realization that you renounced and detached yourself from the Jedi long before you finally came to your senses and made it official?" he asked.

Ahsoka huffed. She didn't even know why she expected anything productive from this conversation.

As though reading her mind, Vader asked in a mocking tone, "What did you expect me to say, Ahsoka? That I felt anything but power and accomplishment for every Jedi that I struck down? That I would somehow make you feel better by saying that despite not feeling anything when I struck them down, I felt some sort of guilt or ill feelings for their extermination? I felt nothing, Ahsoka. Just like you felt nothing."

Annoyed that he still knew her so well, despite his denial of the time period that he got to know her so well, Ahsoka shot back evenly, "Is that so? Even when you were slaughtering younglings?"

That struck a nerve. Ahsoka would have known that even if she hadn't felt him falter in the Force, before he brought the dark side around him like a shield, just like he used to shield himself and his hurts with his anger. She didn't know if the fact that she still knew him so well was comforting or dismaying.

"No guilt, huh?" she asked.

"You just don't want to face that you're not as different from me as you've made yourself think you are," he said, ignoring her accusation. "The same anger. The same bitterness. The same hatred."

"I'm not a Sith. I won't turn to the dark side."

"I never said you would. But that doesn't mean you're not just the same as I am."

Berating herself for making this call at all and not willing to play Vader's games anymore, Ahsoka cut the call, ignoring the attempt to stay her hand to prevent her.


AN: I haven't featured Luke and Leia in a chapter in a while. And yes, they're older than the toddlers that they were a few chapters ago, and Ahsoka can't get them to sit still for very long. Even in that interaction, Ahsoka experiences the push and pull of having been a Jedi and knowing she doesn't want to live that life anymore, but not quite sure what her life or options she has as a Force user will be if she's not.

Anywho, hope you enjoyed. Review Please!