~22~

Aelin stared harshly at Athril as he bowed nervously. Despite the debacle with Sam she had expected Athril to be more of a man about it all. She certainly hadn't expected him to hide himself away in shame. She had tried to be patient with him, tried to give him some time to come to terms with what had happened on his own terms. But as time went on, and Athril continued to do nothing but brood, Aelin's patience continued to plummet. The only reason she waited so long before summoning him for an audience, was because Rowan requested it, out of respect for the warrior's history with Brannon. But Aelin had run out of patience with Athril so long ago it wasn't funny. Did Athril think that he was the only one who was suffering? Did Athril honestly think that he was the only one who had been sucked in by a monster? Did he think that he was the only person who wished things had been different? Was Athril really that self-absorbed, that self-obsessed, that he honestly did not think about or care about what other people were going through? That he was unable to think about the feelings and needs of other people?

"I hear you have been struggling to come to terms with what has happened these last few weeks," Aelin said coolly, politeness be damned. She had wanted to have this conversation with Athril days ago, but Rowan had wanted her to give Athril longer to recover from the shocks he had endured. But she was out of patience and needed all hands on deck to deal with the army that Lyria was raising. And right now, that included Athril.

"I'm sorry about that, Majesty, but I have had a lot to deal with lately," Athril said, grousing a bit. He was feeling a bit more humiliated now that he was face to face with Aelin, shamed of not being able to protect her after the deaths of her parents, shamed of not being able to protect her in the years afterward. Shamed that he was now only reason that Terrasen was now facing the possibility of war.

"I realise that you have had some troubles with coming to terms with Sam Cortland being a traitor," Aelin said, wincing a bit as Athril visibly flinched at the words. "But that was weeks ago now, and brooding alone for so long was not the proper way to deal with it."

Athril gulped, trying and struggling to speak. Aelin was furious with him and about to punish him for his mistakes, his failure, he knew it. He just knew it.

Aelin watched Athril carefully as he struggled with himself. Athril's inner struggle was obvious, even to her, doubly so, as she herself knew what it was like to hate oneself for one's own choices. "Do you have anything to say for yourself, Athril, or are you going to let me do all the talking?" she asked quietly, a touch more kindness in her voice.

For once, Athril was truly shocked by what his queen was saying. He had expected her to deal harshly with him for his failures, but here she was, openly giving him a chance to explain himself. He didn't understand. Where was the virulent temper, the swaggering arrogance that he had heard so much about? What had happened to the monster that he had half expected her to be?

Maybe Aelin wasn't as evil, or as cold, as all the stories portrayed her to be, Athril mused to himself. Yes, he was still slightly intimidated by her, but she had already shown him more kindness than he had ever expected from her, given her upbringing, and in that moment, Athril resolved himself to just tell her the whole damn truth.

"I kept to myself after Sam Cortland was revealed to be a traitor," Athril said quietly, finally feeling relieved to unburden himself. "Because I blamed myself for bringing him to Orynth. I blamed myself for not seeing through the charade he presented to the world and for not seeing that he was still under Lyria's thrall. And I was ashamed. Ashamed for many reasons. But I was far too ashamed of myself to be able to face you, Majesty, with my head held high. I felt that I had failed you greatly."

At that Aelin jerked back in place in shock. Of all things she had been expecting to hear from him during this audience, it had not been that. If Aelin had been thinking about it, she would have been expecting declarations of rage, of anger at what Terrasen had become. Anger at her for failing her kingdom for a decade. Not a declaration of utter shame and utter failure.

"I think you're going to have to explain yourself here, Athril," Rowan said quietly, as the three witches just looked bored. As though they no longer thought that Athril and his ever-present moodiness was worth bothering with. As though they were almost wondering what Aelin and Rowan were doing, bothering with Athril.

Athril quietly gulped, not knowing how he would be able to explain himself to his queen, and hold his emotions in check at the same time.

"When Brannon died," Athril began quietly, "I swore that I would do everything in my power to protect his descendants, to protect the sovereignty of Terrasen. To protect Terrasen itself from foreign invasion. He made me swear that I would look after his family and his kingdom, as he no longer would be able to. As I was widely believed to be dead, I was ideally placed to do so. Brannon also made it very clear to me that he would also hold me to the same very high standard that he held himself. But I broke my oaths to him when I failed to protect you, Majesty, after the deaths of your family. I failed you when I allowed that bastard who fancied himself a Lord of Assassins, take you and turn you into a monster as bad as the one who murdered your family. I failed when I failed to prevent the Adarlanian invasion. I am so deeply ashamed of how I failed you, Majesty, and of how I failed Terrasen."

There was a beat of silence as Aelin considered Athril's words. "I don't think that you're ashamed that you failed me," she finally said. When Athril began to protest, she ignored him, and continued speaking. "I think that you're ashamed because you weren't able to keep your promise – your oath – to Brannon."

"No," Athril said, swallowing heavily. "I assure you that is not the case at all. My shame stems from the fact that I was unable to protect my friend's family, unable to protect the kingdom that he loved so dearly."

"I think you're lying, Athril," Aelin said as gently as possible. "To yourself as well as to me. I think that the only honest thing you have said today is that you swore an oath to King Brannon and that he dearly loved Terrasen."

"He did," Athril whispered. "Brannon did love his family and his kingdom greatly. They were his greatest joys in this world."

"And you are now worried that he would be enraged with you because you were unable to prevent his descendants being assassinated and his kingdom from being invaded."

"I know that Brannon will be wrathful at me because of that," Athril defiantly declared. "I swore him an oath and was unable to keep it when it truly mattered."

"But I am sure that Brannon would be understanding of the predicament you were in ten years ago," Aelin said calmly, settling back into her chair more comfortably, one hand on her pregnant belly. "There were extenuating circumstances, and no one at all, apart from Arobynn Hamel, was aware of my continued existence."

"But that's one of the things that I am most ashamed of," Athril said quietly, refusing to even look at her. "That even had to be raised by such a monster. That you had endure it for so much as a day, let alone a decade." Shame coated Athril's every word.

"But I survived," Aelin said vehemently. "I survived, and remained unbroken, when so many did not. Terrasen survived when so many kingdoms did not fare so well."

Aelin gave Athril a moment to absorb her words before continuing. "You need to forgive yourself for not being there when I was a child. Yes, my life was a living hell for a decade, but I survived it. All it did was make me stronger. You need to learn to accept the past. And to accept the fact that you are more upset about failing to keep your promise to Brannon then you are about failing someone you did not even know was alive."

Athril just looked shocked to hear what Aelin was saying, as though it was the first time he was hearing it. And to be honest, no one had informed him that they thought what he was really upset about was not being able to fulfil a promise to someone who had died a thousand years ago. So far pretty much everyone Athril had spoken to had just told him to grow up and get over himself.

"I think that I'll need some time to consider your words," Athril said thoughtfully. "I don't think that any one has ever put it that way before."

"I'm not surprised," Aelin said, rolling her eyes in impatience. "I highly doubt that you ever told people that what you were really ashamed about was not being able to keep a promise to Brannon."

"He did," Manon drawled. "I just told him that he was being a coward and that he needed to get over it."

"That may be very true, Manon," Aelin said, "but I have often learned that you cannot forgive other people until you are able to forgive yourself."

"That is the one thing that I can never forgive myself for," Athril said loudly. "For bringing Sam Cortland to Orynth. No matter what you say, my actions are about to bring war upon Terrasen, and there is now no hope at all for the future of either the family or the kingdom that Brannon so dearly loved. The family and kingdom that he entrusted me to protect with my life."

"Athril," Rowan sighed, speaking for the first time. "But since we have been forewarned about Lyria's impending assault, we have been able to plan ahead in order to thwart the army she has been raising. As her forces have not yet begun to march north, our spies have been attempting to brew dissension in her ranks. Also, in case you were blind, and had not yet noticed, Aelin and I are expecting our first child together. The child she carries is our hope for a better future. A better world."

Athril glanced between Aelin and Rowan, realising as he did, that they truly believed their words. The faith they had, the strength of their convictions, was in a stronger form than his own. And they were right, in a way. Forewarned was forearmed. He did not know if it was possible for Terrasen's forces to be able to beat Lyria's in open battle, but he saw Aelin's and Rowan's conviction, their hopes of a better future and began to hope. A better future, not just for Terrasen, but for all of the kingdoms of Erilea.

"The one thing about your recent behaviour that has angered me, Athril," Aelin said icily, "is that your self-absorption made it more than apparent that you do not seem to care about what the people around you have been going through. Chaol Westfall, Manon Blackbeak and the Thirteen have been at pains to prop you up these past few weeks as you did nothing but feel sorry for yourself. They will not be doing so anymore. Also, for your information, despite the hell on earth I lived through for a decade, I am heartily sick and tired of death and fighting. Yet, here I am, still fighting to attain a better world. A world in which my child will not have to hide or cower. A world in which my child will not have to look over her shoulder in fear as I have done my entire life. I would suggest that you find something you believe is worth fighting for and do whatever it takes to achieve that goal. You are dismissed."

As Athril bowed and backed out of the palace's small audience chamber, he thought about the meeting he had just had. What had shocked him the most was that, despite having been raised by an ultimate monster, Aelin Galathynius was more human, more real, than the most mundane humans. She was also one of the strangest people he had ever met. Both Fae and human, and yet, not quite either. Also, how many monarchs would have debated with a subject about the cause of their misery and melancholy?

With a jolt, Athril suddenly realised that Aelin was right. He was more worried about how Brannon would react after learning just how far and wide his mistakes went, more worried about failing him, then he was about having failed an eight-year-old child who hadn't even known he existed. But by now Athril was aware that he had sunk far too deep into his melancholy and dejection to be pulled back down to reality so easily.

In that moment, Athril also realised that Aelin was probably a lot more complicated a person than he had ever thought or suspected. Her kindness to him during that audience had been a boon to him. On the other hand, her icy cold tone when she had spoken of his own self-absorption had chilled him to the bone. Deeper. He suddenly suspected, that despite the fact that she had not become a monster, despite the evidence her upbringing had suggested to the contrary, that Aelin probably could become a monster when the people she dearly loved were threatened.


"That went better than I expected of it," Rowan mused as he sank down into a chair beside Aelin's. "I had thought that Athril would be a bit more troublesome than that, given his past reputation as a warrior and all."

"I think the key words there are Athril's past reputation," Manon shook her head as she sat down opposite them. "I saw traces of that male, even on the journey here. But as soon as Sam Cortland was revealed to be a traitor and all, Athril changed completely. Not even I was able to predict that it would hit him as hard as it did. When it comes down to it, I don't think anyone could have. One day he was vibrant and confident, the next, moody and sullen after he found out the truth."

"I think it was too great a shock to his system for him to be able to bear it," Aelin murmured, more to herself then to her companions. "I was the same way after Sam died, the same again after Princess Nehemia's murder. Numb and in shock for days, unable to move, let alone think due to my grief, and then the need for vengeance took over completely."

"When do you think Athril will snap out of it, if ever?" Manon asked almost curiously. "I never thought I'd hear myself say it, but I do truly miss the man that Athril was before all of this happened. I… I l-loved him."

"I have to be honest with you here," Aelin said quietly. "I don't know. I just don't know. Everyone's psyche is different. We all deal with shock and grief differently. But for all our sakes, I hope that Athril deals with it sooner rather than later."

"Amen to that," Rowan said. "And no matter how long it takes Athril to return to himself, he will still have a place in Terrasen."