It's a couple of weeks after Halloween when Blaise Zabini bursts into the library, where Hermione Granger is studying (as usual).

Wait hold on, shouldn't I still be narrating?

No, that was a one-time thing.

Well I did a better job than you ever will. I should be the permanent narrator.

No, you should NOT.

Ask the fans. They'll agree with me.

Fuck the fans, I'm narrating!

Oh, yeah, "fuck the fans." That'll go over real well in the review section.

You know as well as I do that nobody ever reviews.

With the way you write, that's a perk.

Don't you have something else to do?

No.

Well too bad, I'm narrating.

Fine. I'm just trying to make this story better.

And with that, Seymour flits off to do something else.

"Hermione!" Blaise says loudly, rushing over to her.

"Blaise!" Hermione says, annoyed. "This is a library! People are trying to read, and study, and do all kinds of things that are better done without noise!"

"Okay, okay," Blaise says, bouncing in place. "Then come with me!"

"I'm busy studying!" Hermione complains.

Blaise stares at her, annoyed. "Yeah, no. That copy of Animorphs isn't as well hidden as you think it is."

Hermione huffs. "How do you know I wasn't assigned it?"

"Because we share the same classes and you need to get out and have fun with your friends once in a while so come on!"

So saying, Blaise turns and hightails it out of the library. Hermione huffs but puts her books away and walks out into the hall, as Blaise knew she would. He's waiting there for her, as Hermione knew he would be. The only surprise, really, is that Dudley Dursley is with them.

"Why's he here?" Hermione asks.

Blaise shrugged. "I figured we needed a third."

"For what?" Hermione asks.

"C'mon," Blaise says. "Let's walk and talk."

Blaise sets off, and his two companions follow behind him.

"Now, it was earlier today," Blaise begins his story. "I had just finished breakfast–"

"What'd you have?" Dudley asks. "I had Corn Pops."

"–you know, I've never really enjoyed those," Blaise says. "I just don't like their texture against the roof of my mouth."

"That's a shame," Dudley says. "They're my favorite cereal."

"You might enjoy Cap'n Crunch then," Hermione says. "Slightly more sweet, even rougher."

Dudley shakes his head. "Cap'n Crunch doesn't absorb milk as well."

"You like your cereal soggy?" Hermione asks, bewildered.

Dudley nods.

"Anyway," Blaise interrupts. "I had just finished my breakfast, which was French toast with marmalade since you were wondering–"

"We weren't," Dudley says, inadvertently speaking for the audience as well.

"–but it was delicious, and as I headed off towards the dormitories it occurred to me that I should probably do some investigating of the bathrooms."

"What," Hermione says flatly.

"Okay, Hermione, have you ever been to the bathroom on the boys' side of the Hufflepuff dorms?" Blaise asks.

"...why would I ever?" Hermione asks.

"See, that's what I think too," Blaise says smoothly. "There's a toilet in there that won't stop running, the water pressure's pretty bad, the hot water runs out too quick–really, I think we're all-in-all too far away from the plumbing, do the girls have those problems?"

Hermione shrugs. "Kind of? I don't really take long showers."

Blaise nods wisely. "That explains the hair."

Hermione looks annoyed. Dudley looks like he should be mentioned just so the readers don't forget that he's in this scene.

"Anyway, since the toilets in the Hufflepuff dorms suck so much, it occurred to me that I should try and find out where the best bathrooms in the school are. So I set off through the school, planning to search it for bathrooms, when I ended up here."

Hermione looks dubious. "The third floor?"

"Exactly!" Blaise exclaims. "Now, Hogwarts doesn't do a very good job of marking where everything is. I mean, we have to go through portraits instead of using something normal, like doors or waterslides."

"Why in the world would we use waterslides to go places?" Hermione asks.

"Uh, because it's fun and awesome?" Blaise suggests. "Seriously, live a little. I bet even Dudley would agree that going down waterslides is fun and awesome."

"I always wear my shirt to the pool because I don't want anyone to know I'm fat," Dudley says. "They don't let you go down the waterslide with a shirt on."

Blaise and Hermione share a look before Blaise returns to his story. "Anyway, I was up here, pushing open doors, when I came across Dudley standing in a closet, crying to himself."

Hermione casts him a disturbed look.

"I find small places comforting!" Dudley defends himself.

Putting a little bit too much of yourself into this character, aren't you?

Well Dudley is supposed to be some kind of self-insert in this story.

"Leaving aside Dudley's massively crippling mental traumas," Blaise says, getting the story back on track, "I continued on down the hall until I pushed a door open. A door that looked something...like...this!"

Blaise throws a door open, revealing a roomful of corn.

"No, this wasn't it, sorry," Blaise says, shutting the door again. "It was the next door down."

Blaise throws the next door open, and a bunch of barking erupts from inside.

"Is that a dog?" Dudley asks, eyes wide.

"Yep!" Blaise says happily.

"I'm scared of dogs!" Dudley says, scared, feet pounding down the corridor instinctively as he runs for the nearest staircase.

Blaise looks perturbed. "Well. That's a shame. Wanna pet him, Hermione?"

"Pet–the angry barking dog?"

"It's not just any dog! It's a Cerberus! And it's excited to see us!"

"How do you know it won't eat us?"

Blaise laughs. "Because he said he wouldn't and let me pet him!"

"H–he?"

"Actually, I identify as female," a harsh voice from inside the room says.

"Who said that?" Hermione asks worriedly.

"I did," the voice says. "I'm Winnie, the right head."

"Paul, the left head," another voice says.

"And I'm Kevin, the central head and leader of the body," yet another voice says.

Hermione nervously looks in and sees an incredibly large three-headed dog waiting inside.

"A talking. Dog," Hermione says.

"Cerberus, actually," the heads say in unison.

"H–HOW?" Hermione blurts.

Blaise grins. "Magic. Now who wants head scritches?"

The Cerberus lunges towards the door, all of the heads battling it out to see who gets scritched first. Hermione nervously reaches out towards the nearest head–Paul–and begins scritching. Blaise does the same with Winnie. Kevin whines.

"You got to go first last time, Kevin," Blaise reminds the dog with a grin on his face as his scritches meander down Winnie's neck towards the belly all three of them share.