The first aid kit I keep under my bed has an ointment that smells like cade plant but it's the only ointment I can get Abel to use without complaining that it stings. I squeeze a clear, shiny glob onto my blistering hand and then gently pat it around the angry area. I hiss under my breath at the intense pain, which I think is just from the burns and not the ointment on top of the burns.
"Jol?" I call out his name, mostly to know if he's in the house.
"Yeah?"
"Cut me some of that gauze, please." I walk to the sink to rinse off my greasy fingers.
When I go back to the table, Jolyon's got a nice long strand of gauze cut from the roll.
"Thanks." I have a seat, delving my hand into the kit. I rip open a pack of plain white cotton pads to lay under the gauze.
Jolyon stands there, watching me bandage up my ugly hand.
"Cut me a little medical tape," I tell him, "Enough to wrap once around."
He digs into the kit and pulls out the tape, cutting me come.
"Thank you." I take the tape and use it to secure the bandage around my hand. I breathe after it's done, looking up at him. His eyes meet mine, but he's silent. "What's the matter? Huh?"
He lowers his eyes, shaking his head. "Nothing."
Our front door gets a loud, forceful pounding.
"Yeah?"
Lourdes come into the house. "What the hell happened?"
"I told you," I pack up the first aid kit, "He fell into some hogweed. It's phototoxic and causes blindness." I look around. "Where's Nanda and Abel?"
"Jol, go get Abel." Lourdes instructs.
Jolyon looks at me, before obeying and leaving out the open door.
Lourdes stares at me. "What really happened?"
I lug the kit back to my bedroom. "He came here to look through our inventory. Paula sent him." I come out of the bedroom, locking plain eyes with Lourdes. "Negan gave the orders. They think we're lying about our stock."
She stares. "I thought things were good. Negan left happy last time, right?"
I scoff under my breath, looking over my bandaged hand. "I guess I'm not as good in bed as I used to be."
"That's not what I meant," She scoffs back, "Are you okay?"
"It's just a burn,"I shrug, "I'll have Mer look it over when she's done with Pete."
"Is he gonna be okay?" She asks. "He looked in bad shape."
I look at her. "Why do you care?"
"I care because the Saviors will come looking for him if he doesn't return."
I nod my head. "He's got a radio...I guess we'll have to get word to his outpost."
"Paula."
I sigh through my nose. "Yeah."
"And then Negan."
I glance over to the window. "Martin was coming back from East. I...I did what was necessary." I turn my gaze back to her. "He can't report, what he can't see."
She continues to look at me with her hands on her hips. "How did you lure him out there?"
"I told him we could go to the cabin," I say, "I didn't want him going into the inventory."
"Does he know we've been lying?"
I shrug my shoulder. "I suggested it, but he can't prove it."
Abel and Jolyon come through the door. "Hi, Mom."
"Hey, Abel."
"Nanda made me really good food," He holds up a container, "She said Jol and I could bring some home."
"Oh, I have a feeling this is her aloo baingan over rice."
"You can't eat it," He says, "She said it was mine."
"Alright, go put it in the fridge."
Lourdes watches as he goes to the fridge, before setting her eyes back on me. "You better hope you're right."
"I am."
"You better be." She retorts, before stalking out of the house.
"What was she talking about?"
"Nothing."
…
After dinner, I bust out our old ass television and VHS player to put on a movie for the kids. We don't have it out all the time, because of space, so I keep it stored in the closet since it's small enough to fit on the floor with some other things. We don't have a lot of tapes, we sort of pass them around the community, but the people still get a kick out of the normalcy having them around provides.
"Okay," I push the tape into the VHS slot and press the play button, "Jumanji will begin right after our regular scheduled previews."
"Cool."
"You're not gonna get scared?" I lift my brow at Abel. "I can put in something else."
"No."
I breathe, looking up at Jolyon. "If he starts covering his eyes too much, put in Homeward Bound, or Free Willy, or something."
"Okay."
"Hey, I'm not gonna cover my eyes!"
"I don't want you having more nightmares about monkeys kidnapping you and driving off in a police car."
"How come those cars have lights on them?"
"Dude, I tell you everytime we watch this movie." Jolyon rolls his eyes.
"I just wanna know, jeez."
"I'll be back," I head for the door, "Stop squabbling and be nice to each other."
I head out to the hospital to check on Pete. I want to see the damage. My hand swelled up a bit shortly after I badaged it, but I got it down quickly. Jolyon noticed it before I did. He's really concerned about it, even though I keep assuring him it's alright.
"Pippa."
"Not now."
"Yes, now."
"Take all you brought from East Valley back," I instruct, not slowing down, "Take the back trails to avoid running into anyone on the road."
"Hey." He takes my arm, but I jerk it back.
"What do you think you're doing?"
"What the hell happened out there?"
"He fell into some hogweed."
"Why were you two out by the cabin?"
"Because he wanted to see it."
Martin's eyes study me, concerned. "Did he?"
I roll my eyes. "No, I led him off trail."
"Are you okay?"
"Yes, nothing like that happened," I tell him, "He fell into the hogweed and-"
"You mean you pushed him?"
"No, he-"
"Your hand is blistered."
"Oh, I touched the plant."
"You weren't wearing gloves?" He raises his brow.
"No."
"It's thirty degrees out."
"I forgot them."
"No, you didn't, you had 'em in your pocket," He counters, "I saw 'em sticking out."
I furrow my brows.
"What did you do, Pippa?"
"I'm on my way to find out." I start to walk away from him and he follows.
We go into the quiet hospital. The office room Meredith and Ravinder share is empty, so we go ahead to the room where they house patients. Meredith is there with her back turned to us.
I knock on the open door. "Hey."
She looks over her shoulder. "He's resting. He was upset, so I gave him a mild sedative."
"How is he?" Martin asks for me.
"All parts of his body that was exposed to the plant were badly burned," She reports, "Swelling, blistering, peeling." She looks over, making eye contact. "It got in his eyes, so he's suffering from blindness."
"Permanent?" Martin inquires.
"I don't know, we'll have to wait and see."
She finally moves from the bed, revealing the nearly unrecognizable Pete lying asleep in the white bed. He looks awful. Awful is putting it mildly. His eyes look swollen and bright red with inflammation. His whole face is spotted with patches of blisters filled with fluid or yellow-white layers of skin balled up from rubbing. His neck is almost just the same and his hands are bandaged like mine.
"He had an allergic reaction earlier, so we had to use an epipen," Meredith adds, "I'd ask Negan to write that out of our debt, since they're hard to come by. Unless he wants to give us one of his."
I nod, just barely paying attention.
"He will be okay though, right?"
"He should make a full recovery," She says, "Hopefully that includes his eyesight…have you contacted the Saviors? Pippa?"
"Pip?" Martin nudges me.
"Uh, no we haven't yet."
"He may need them to take him home."
"Yeah, I'll figure it out," I exit the hospital, "Thanks, Mer."
"Pippa."
"I have to get the boys ready for bed."
"Are you gonna call 'em?"
"Yes."
"When?"
"Tomorrow."
"They'll show up sooner than that, if he doesn't come back."
"I need you to take all of that stuff back now."
"Pippa-"
"I wasn't asking a favor," I abruptly turn, "I was telling you to return what you brought here back."
Martin stares at me, almost defiant.
"Now."
He sighs through his flared nostrils. "How are you gonna explain to them why their guy was here for not twenty minutes before he wound up festering and blind?
"That's for me to worry about, not you."
"No, this affects everyone here," He retorts, "They aren't gonna be happy about this. That redhead already has beef with us."
"We will be fine," I firmly assure him, "I will take care of things."
Martin stares at me. "Did you blind him, Pippa?"
I pause, knitting my brows. "What?"
"Did you blind him?" He asks more demandingly.
"I…"
"That why your hand got burned too?"
I stare, confronted. "I...I did what I had to do."
He stares back and I'm not sure if he's convinced of that.
I turn. "I've gotta go, Martin. Head back to East."
I enter my house where the boys are quietly watching the raucous movie.
"You're back so soon?" Abel says.
"Yeah," I meekly smile, going to my bedroom, "Ten more minutes and it's bedtime."
I go to the window and peek out across the street towards the hospital a little ways down. I then turn to pace as I think about what to do.
They will come for him when he doesn't report back. I know it's a short window of time before that happens. I'm not worried about Paula coming here like Martin is; she's nothing compared to Negan. How the fuck am I gonna explain this to him?
"Mom?"
I glance over. "Hm?"
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, Jol, I'm fine."
"Is Negan gonna be mad?"
"Why would he be mad?" I ask, still pacing.
"Because of what you did to that guy."
I pause in place.
"I know it wasn't an accident," He tells me, "Everyone does."
I shift my body to look at him.
"I saw East Valley today. Mom, anyone who knows or has seen that knows you did it on purpose."
My nostrils flare, defensive. "That was a different situation."
"Not really," Jolyon argues, "But it doesn't matter, because if we know you did it on purpose, then so will Negan."
I stare at him. I'm not angry, I'm ashamed.
"And that guy will tell Negan what happened."
I take a breath, before I walk over to him. I touch his head. "That man will be in worse trouble than I will, if he tells Negan what happened, so he's not gonna say anything."
Jolyon looks up at me. "Did he hurt you?"
I smile gently. "No, he didn't." I put my arm around him. "Don't worry about it, alright? I can take care of whatever comes our way. I always do."
He sighs. "Okay."
I chuckle a little, smoothing my hand over his head. "Oh, come on. When in the history of ever has Negan won against me, huh? He's no match for me."
Jolyon smiles, humored or feigning humor. "Yeah…"
I gently look on him. "It'll be okay, Jol. I promise. If Negan even makes it out here for such a minor thing as this, he'll leave laughing like he always does."
"Okay."
"Okay?"
Abel comes into the room. "Mom, Jumanji isn't a real game, right?"
"No, it's not."
"Good, because I wouldn't want to be turned into a monkey." He hops on the bed.
"That's only if you cheat."
"Well, I still don't like that game."
Jolyon and I chuckle at him.
"It would be cool to have all those animals though."
"Yeah, stampedes would be a real hoot," I wryly say, "Alright, get in bed."
"Are you going to bed, too?"
"Yes, but first I have to go talk to Lourdes."
"About what?"
"About Christmas stuff."
"Ooooh," Abel tucks his hands behind his head, "When is Christmas?"
"Next week," I plant a kiss on his forehead, "We've got to duke out who gets to have it at their house this year."
"We always have it here."
"Because your mama's undefeated." I kiss my bicep.
"Don't punch Lourdes."
"I am not gonna punch Lourdes." I get up from the bed. "I'll be right back, okay?"
"Okay."
I look over to Jolyon on his bed. "I'll be at Lourdes' for a little while."
"I heard."
I breathe quietly. "I won't be long."
"Okay."
I leave the house, feeling like shit that he feels the need to worry. It pains me that he actually saw the change of East Valley, after only seeing it once which was when it was in its prime. I hate that he understands me or my leadership by East and I can't bring myself to combat that.
"Hey."
I look to my right, seeing Lourdes and her pooch coming out of her house. "What?"
"Where you going?"
"Nowhere," I tell her, "I was just getting some fresh air."
"So are we," She says, "You should join us."
I scoff, squatting down to greet Cleo, "I'm gonna breathe different air."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"It means, I've got some shit to deal with and I don't need you, or Martin, or Jolyon crawling up my ass about it."
"Jol's worried?"
"Have a good walk." I stand up, petting Cleo when she nudges my hand.
Lourdes huffs. "You made a mess, Pippa. I'm sorry you're expected to clean it up."
"Piss off."
"Go fuck yourself." She retorts, whistling for Cleo to follow.
I wait with the frigid night stinging my face, until she's far enough down the road. I then take out Pete's radio and turn it on. A window above the hospital has a soft yellow light illuminating it.
"Pete, come in, Pete," A voice calls through static, "Where the hell are you? Over."
"This is Pippa Barnes." I reply
"Hey, Pippa," Paula's voice comes on, "We've been trying to get a hold of our friend, Pete for a while now. He should've been back from his play date at your place by now."
I lip my lips, holding the radio up. "He's still here."
"Any reason he's not picking up his own radio?"
"Yeah, there is actually."
"Did you play nice?"
I take a deep breath.
"Pippa?" Her tone sounds condescending.
"Yeah, I'm here."
"Where's Pete?"
The light from the window turns off.
…
"I want an estimate on how much more wood we'll need to get the boardwalk finished."
"Yes, ma'am."
"You think the rain and snow will warp the wood?"
"If we treat it, it should be okay."
"Alright."
"I'll have that estimate by this evening, Pippa."
"Thanks."
"Pippa!"
I turn at Ravinder's frantic voice.
She rushes up to me, grabbing my arm. "Pippa, something's happened."
"Hey, catch your breath," I steady her, "What's wrong? What's happened?"
"It's that guy," Ravinder tells me, "He- he's dead."
"Dead?"
"Yeah, I went to check on him but I heard noise and when I opened the door, he was up and he had turned."
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, he was tangled in his I.V and the pole it's connected to, so he wasn't far from his bed," She stammers, out of breath, "What are we gonna do? He's dead!"
"Sh," I scout around, "Keep calm, okay? It's gonna be alright."
"Pip, the Saviors-"
"Take me to the hospital."
I follow her to the hospital. My heart races under my composed external. When we get in, Meredith is in the room, picking up. Pete's lifeless body lays flat on the floor beside the turned over bed.
"Hey."
"Hey." She greets without looking over.
"What happened?"
She shrugs. "I don't know. Rav came in this morning and he was dead."
"Any clue why he died?"
"He must have gone into anaphylactic shock again," She shrugs, "I'm not sure what else might have caused a sudden death. He fell in hogweed."
"You didn't hear anything last night?"
"No, I had a glass of wine before bed," She exhales, "I'm a lightweight; it knocked me out."
I nod my head, looking back over the body. "The Saviors will be here any minute."
"What?" Rav turns her head.
"They were trying to get a hold of him on his radio last night," I explain, "I told Paula what happened and to pick him up today."
"Pip, he's dead," She grows more anxious, "What if they-"
"It's no one's fault," I assure the both of them, "He had an allergic reaction and died. We can't be blamed for him falling into a plant and being allergic to it."
"But the Saviors-
"Let me worry about the Saviors."
Meredith sighs through her nose, folding her arms. "Okay."
"Trucks!" Someone shouts outside, making the air in here stiffen.
"Stay here," I instruct, "Get him back on the bed, put the blanket over him; make it look like we give a damn he's dead."
I head out to meet Paula. Passing people has yet to get easier since the Saviors came into our lives. Or, until I brought the Saviors into our lives.
Paula only seems to have brought two trucks with her which relieves me a little. Her stoney face doesn't look too pleased and it's about to get a whole lot worse.
"Morning."
"Where is he?"
"In the hospital," I tell her, "But there's been a development."
"What the hell does that mean?"
"He's dead."
"What?"
I start to walk back to the hospital and she follows with a scowl. "He'd been having allergic reactions to the hogweed he fell in and-"
"Hogweed?"
"Yeah, it's-"
"I know what hogweed is," She scoffs, "Allie got into some on a camping trip when she was eight."
I look over at her, but not for too long, in case she catches me and gets pissy about it.
"What I don't understand is how the hell he died from it."
"The doctor said he had gone into anaphylactic shock earlier," I step up onto the boardwalk just outside the hospital, "She gave him an epipen, he was fine all day after that, but then they found him dead just before you got here."
"Just before I got here?" She looks at me head on with dry eyes. "Wow, we just missed him, huh?"
I take her into the hospital, where Meredith and Ravinder stand by the body that has a white thin linen over it. They both look over as soon as we come in.
"We're very sorry for your-"
"What's the diagnosis, doc?" Paula cuts off Meredith's condolences.
"He had a severe allergic reaction to the hogweed," Meredith replies to Paula's callous lack of concern, "I gave him adrenaline and he responded well to it, but he must have had a rebound reaction overnight."
Paula stares at the body, which Ravinder exposes for her. "Wouldn't he need to be exposed to the thing he's allergic to?"
"Not always," Meredith says, "But it's possible his clothing picked up the plant's sap or pollen."
"So, why didn't you change him?"
"We...don't have hospital gowns." Meredith looks at me, uneasy by Paula's causal hostility.
Paula walks over to the body, still a little swollen from the reaction, and leans down to inspect it. "Where's the hogweed?"
"Pardon?"
"The hogweed," She rudely repeats, "Where is it at?"
"It's… about a quarter mile outside of Halcyon."
"What was he doing a quarter mile outside of Halcyon?" She straightens up. "He was supposed to be looking over your inventory."
"He wanted to see the cabin," I inform her, "To make sure we weren't hiding any stock there."
"Huh."
I refrain from scoffing at her. "I'm sorry that-"
"Pete was sent to my outpost because he was too rough with the workers he'd pay to screw," Paula looks his body over, "That didn't bother me so much; what did bother me was his sexist defiance of my authority."
My brows gather a little.
"Long story short, I don't care that he's dead," She meets my eyes, "Although, you did cut me short one more body to man my outpost, which pisses me off and I can't imagine Negan will be too thrilled to hear it either."
I try not to act like that doesn't bother me as I stare back at her. She wants to see it in me, but she's not going to.
"Especially since Pete was sent to look over your inventory and wound up dead." She leaves the hospital and I go after her.
"You think we killed him?"
"I think the suspicions that you're stockpiling offsite aren't ungrounded," She replies, "Pete dying during a pop-up visit seems to raise a red flag."
"We didn't kill your guy. He had an allergic reaction to a dangerous plant."
"Conveniently."
"You think we wanted this?" I scoff. "We've been staying in good with the Saviors and we want it to stay that way, so why would we do anything to threaten that?"
"Because you think you can get away with it," She turns on me, "You use your kids to get Negan to bend the rules for you and when that doesn't work, well…" She looks me over and it gets my blood hot. "I got news for you, old pal; Negan doesn't trust you."
I furrow my brows.
She scoffs through her nose, taking another look at me. "I'm gonna need to see your inventory and your books."
"Of course," I lead her, "I'm surprised Negan isn't here doing this, since he apparently doesn't trust me."
"Well, you spread 'em every time he comes around, so maybe he sent someone who you couldn't pull that crap with."
"That might have stuck me, if it wasn't the only joke people, Negan included, make about me."
"That's because you are the joke." She dryly retorts.
I roll my eyes. "Yeah, I can't keep my pants on around him."
"Well, actually the joke is that you don't know what's coming because your face is buried in a pillow, but I guess that's not far off from what you said."
"What's coming?" I huff. "And what exactly is coming?"
"Oh, where's the fun in ruining the surprise?"
"Hey!"
I turn my head and see a few people coming over to Paula and I. "What's wrong?"
"They want to go through our houses!" Jim angrily replies. "Said they're here to take inventory, but what's in our homes don't count as inventory. We worked for what we have. "
I look at Paula. "Inventory doesn't extend to the houses, we deduct personal groceries and items when people trade for them."
"What exactly do they trade?"
"Their labor."
She sneers, unimpressed. "Well, Negan wanted a full inventory." She looks at me. "And I intend on being thorough."
"Items inside homes are not-"
"You could be hiding things not reported in the home."
"Really?" I huff. "In plain sight?"
She shrugs in response. "We're going through everything."
"That's an invasion of privacy."
"You don't have privacy." She starts to walk off. "Start from the top and work to the end. Two parties on both sides."
As the Saviors start to move, I feel a surge. I reach my hand out for her shoulder. "Paula, wait, you can't-"
She right hooks me hard across the face.
I look right at her. My heart beats wild against me.
"If you step out of line again, it'll be someone else," She coldly tells me with no emotion about hitting me, "Now, go sit in your home, while we do these searches."
My blood boils.
"Go be a mother to your children," She shrugs, "While you've still got them."
She turns to leave again, but I reach back. I shift her around and nail her right in the nose, causing blood to spray. Her eyes have emotion in them for once. She grabs me by the hair of the head and decks me again and then again.
Before she can have another crack at me, I pull her feet out from under her with my boot, dropping her flat on the ground and nearly knocking the wind out of her. I bring my boot down on her face when she tries to sit up. In a fury, I get on top of her and hold her by her shirt as I punch her over and over.
"Pippa!"
I ignore my name being called and go to strike her again when I hear a gun cock. I look up and see a Savior pointing a glock right at me.
"Pippa," Martin calmly says, "Get up." He extends his hand out. "Come on."
I taste iron and I scoff, as if humored. I don't know why I have to fight a smile as I take his hand. I feel like I could laugh.
The Savior's got his gun still on me, while another gets Paula off the ground. She coughs as she gets on her feet. Her bloodied pale face looks daggers at me as she catches her breath. She then chuckles.
"You stupid bitch."
I don't reply, though adrenaline whips through me.
She touches the blood from her lips and looks at it. "Get in the trucks."
"What?"
"We're leaving."
"You don't want to look through the houses?"
"No," Paula replies, looking at me, "We'll head back, let Negan know they were noncompliant. He can deal with this bitch."
I watch as she and all the Saviors that came with her get into their cars and drive through the opening gates. I'm becoming aware of the cold as the adrenaline leaves my body.
My eyes move over the crowd. "Terry, I'd like the estimate by this evening."
Terry looks over, nodding after a moment. "Sure thing, Pippa."
Like that the crown breaks apart. Some people linger for a moment more, before dispersing completely.
"She didn't even take him."
Martin looks at me. "What?"
"Paula," I spit blood and saliva, "She didn't take Pete's body."
"We'll bury him."
"Off to the side," I tell him, "He doesn't belong in our…"
"You good?" Martin stoops a little to be at eye level. "You took some blows to the head."
"I'm fine," I put my arm out, "I take it back; bury him in the graveyard and mark it like the others."
"You sure?"
"Yeah."
"Mom?"
I glance behind me. Jolyon and Abel are standing a few feet away with Cleo. I thought I heard barking.
"Hey, why aren't you with Lourdes doing schoolwork?"
"Because we heard the commotion, dummy," Lourdes takes my arm, "Come on."
"Where are we going?"
"The boys are gonna do their homework while you fucking wash up."
The boys go home which is where I think I'm going until Lourdes steers me to her house. God, it feels I'm about to be spoken to by my mom.
"Don't drip blood on my rug."
I hold my nose. Paula bloodied my nose at some point but I didn't realize blood was still pouring. I'm starting to feel the pain of it all. I wonder how fucked up my face looks. My bandaged hand feels like it's on fire.
"Come sit on down," Lourdes instructs, turning in her water, "So, I can clean you up."
I can't help but snicker to myself as I sit. The way she said that sounded like something from Negan's fantasies about Lour and I.
"I don't know what you think you're snickering about," She wrings out a rag, "I don't find any of this funny."
"I wasn't laughing. Ah!"
"Hold still." She starts to wash my face.
"I can do this myself."
"I've got it."
"I thought you were angry at me."
"I am," She cleans my face, "But I'll admit I liked seeing you kick the shit out of that rigid bitch."
"You know, Negan's had dreams about shit like this."
"Did she knock your fucking brain lose?"
I look at her serious eyes and I grow somber. "Sorry."
She sighs through her nose, wringing out the rag at the sink. "What are we gonna do about Negan?"
"Oh, Negan will be easy to handle."
"You think sucking his dick will make him forget you killed one of his guys and got into a fight with Paula?"
"Lour," I exhale, "Please stop with the jokes about Negan and I...despite how pathetic it makes me."
"I don't think you're pathetic."
"Then why the hell have you been busting my balls about Negan?"
"Because you lose your head around him."
"I do not."
"You do, too," She argues, "And you know it as well as I do."
" I don't lose my head." I scowl as she walks back to the sink. I exhale. "I lose my footing."
"I'm not sure which is worse to lose as a leader, but either way, Negan's got you all disoriented."
"He does not," I huff, "I know exactly where I am. Who I am."
"That why you killed Pete?"
"I didn't-"
"Why blind someone you were gonna kill anyway?"
"I-"
"Pippa, tell Paula and Negan whatever you want, but tell me the truth," She sits down, "You killed Pete, didn't you?"
I look at her earnest eyes and bring my lips to a close.
She breathes in, reaching out and tucking hair out of my face. "Even blue and bloody, you're still a babe."
I scoff, smiling and laughing when she does.
"I'm glad I've never had to duke it out with you, that's for goddamn sure," She chuckles, fixing that same strand, "You're unreal."
I settle my humor. "I had a dream about us."
"Ah, cállate," She softly commands, "You and I could never work out."
I cock my brow and smile incredulously.
"We're too hot blooded, you and me," She smiles, "We'd kill each other."
"Shut up."
"And could you imagine our libidos in tandem? We'd never get anything done around here."
"Well, shit, I always thought we'd make a good power couple but okay."
She cackles, then clears her throat. "Okay, so you had a dream about you and Negan?"
"Yeah…" I recall it in my mind. "It was like if I had waited for him and we built a life together after….it was nice. We lived somewhere quiet with the boys and I was...I was pregnant and we were arguing over his cursing around the kids and...we were happy."
Her smile wanes as she listens. Her eyes look down. "Sounds like the life you used to tell Abel about at night before bed."
I feel my smile fade away. "It'll never be like that, will it?"
Lourdes' eyes pick up to mine. She's sympathetic and it makes me nauseous. "Not where you're at right now, no."
She gets up with an exhale. And I feel the sinking feeling she's right.
"The way things are now? There's no turning back. Especially not after today."
"I'll take care of it."
"I know you will," She turns in her sink again, "Just make sure you've got your head on your shoulders when you do." She looks over her own shoulder. "And your feet on the ground."
…
My whole house smells like chicken and wild rice soup. Abel's still a little stuffy, so I'm making soup to last us a few days. I've also got a loaf of bread in the oven. The house is so toasty thanks to my domestic goddessing.
The front door opens and my breath firmly pauses as I stir the pot. "Mom?"
"Hm?"
"I think Negan's here."
I breathe out. "Okay, I'm coming."
I lower the flame on the stove and check the timer for the bread, before I take off my apron. I toss the apron on the back of a chair and go for my jacket by the door.
"Can I go, too?"
"You can stay inside with your brother until I get back."
"Aw!"
"You want that cold to ever go away?"
"Yes." Abel sighs.
"I'll be right back." I exit the house, taking one last breath before I have to meet him.
Despite the bruises and scabs, I keep a cool face so I won't convey how much I'm gonna hate having to explain away the whole enchilada to Negan. I also don't want to appear too contrite, because there's nothing Negan likes more than seeing someone cower before him.
Then again playing it sweet and sorry might actually work for me. Or Negan would see right through me. He always could before.
When I see him, I fight the urge to smile. It'll make me look weak or passive; like I'm gonna roll and show my belly for mercy. I'd rather be hit with that bat he's got over his shoulder. Plus, I picked today of all days not to wear something without buttons to undo, so what's the point in trying to handle this the nice way?
He turns around as I get closer and his eyes dagger into me upon sighting. I continue to walk up, despite knowing I'm gonna have to pull myself out of the deep shit I'm in.
Hey is all I can think to say. What else could I say? Hey, baby, I know I was a bad girl, but please don't be mad. Ew, he'd like that.
I hike my thumb behind me. "Your guy is buried in the back."
Negan's face doesn't change. I turn to take him to the graveyard, hoping to draw him away from the men he brought with him to avoid a need to demonstrate who's in control. It's better to talk to him alone.
Much to my satisfaction, I hear his footsteps in the dirt as he follows. We don't speak to one another the whole way there. I look for the most recent burial spot, which is marked with a stick cross and some sprig of dried lavender. Nice touch, Martin. We stop at the grave, looking down at it.
"What the fuck the happened?" He asks me calmly.
"He fell into some hogweed," I tell him, "He couldn't see and his skin started to burn because of the sun. The plant is phototoxic, so-"
"I know what hogweed is," He interrupts tersely, "How the hell did he die?"
"Didn't Paula-" I pause when he looks at me with that scowl on his face. I clear my throat. "He had a bad reaction to the plant. The doctor was able to get it down with an epipen, but he must have had another flare up in the night. Ravinder found him turned the next morning when she went to check on him."
I almost reach out to touch his shoulder, as if to offer condolences, but I think better of it.
"I'm sorry, Negan," I say instead, "I reported back to Paula that he was here and that they could come get him...I didn't think he'd die."
"Where's the hogweed at?"
"It's down past the cabin."
Negan looks over at me. "Why was he there?"
"Because I took him there."
He stares and I can see the displeasure in his unchanged expression. "And what were you doing there with him?"
I look down at my hands. "He wanted to make sure we weren't stockpiling there."
He looks me over, as if trying to decide if he believes that. "What the hell happened between you and Paula?"
"She said she was going to search the houses," I keep explaining, "People were upset, I tried to reason with her, and then she clocked me and threatened me with our kids."
"Threatened how?"
I bitterly meet his eyes. "This fight was a long time coming."
"I don't fucking care," He raises his voice, "She was carrying out orders that you were meant to comply to."
"What's in peoples' cupboards is not inventory anymore," I scoff, "There's no reason-"
"I wanted a full fucking inventory of this goddamn place and if Paula decided that that included your fucking little gingerbread houses, then so fucking be it."
I stare incredulously at him. Anger roars up in my calm exterior. "Do you not trust me, Negan?"
He lowers his bat from his shoulder. "Are you hiding shit from me?"
"Answer my question."
"Excuse me?"
"You heard me, asshole," I speak up, "Do you-"
"Do I need to fucking remind you that your people have been on easy street these past couple months, despite the fuckin' fact that you killed my people in a dumbass attempt to rob me?"
"Do I need to remind you that we've been paying you back every moment since?"
"Yeah, and yet you still keep fucking up."
"Pete died of an allergic reaction!"
"I don't give a flying fuck about Pete!" He yells back. "I've had about all I can fucking stand of your bullshit, Pippa."
"I…" I bite my tongue. He stares, waiting for my shitty explanation. I exhale. "I'm sorry."
"Sorry isn't gonna fucking cut it, Pippa," He tells me, "The Saviors have been nothing but fucking civil, per my goddamn intructions, and you can't even show me the same fucking courtesy."
"I...I know, I'm...I'm sorry," I say to him, "I'll accept all of the blame."
He looks at me, unamused.
"I just…." I bite my lip, "Jolyon used to spend the night at Paula's house. Now, all she ever tells me is how she hopes I know the pain of losing him. Both of them."
Negan's eyes trace mine, still silent.
My eyes start to water. "I lost my cool; I know I was wrong, but you don't know how hard that hits when it's so easy to lose people these days." I look at Negan, emotional. "I didn't get my strength from the dead. I got it from the living. My children. Without them, I would be nothing."
Negan stuck his tongue in his cheek for a moment. He then breathes out, running his hand down his mouth. "Pippa, you gotta cap the tits. You can't fly off the handle over salty fucking comments."
I shift my jaw, feeling the soreness. "Did you just say 'cap the tits'?"
He breaks into a chuckle. "That's not the fucking point, dipshit."
I smile a little. "I know, sorry."
He steps closer to me, looking over me again. "Jesus, your face is a goddamn mess."
"How's Paula's?"
"Way fuckin' worse," He playfully drags his knuckles across my jaw, "Atta girl."
I look up at him. "So, what are you going to do? Your people want it squared out I take it."
His smile starts to dwindle. I feel a jabbing faltering my breath as terror coldly sinks down my spine. My eyes start to water again.
"Negan, please. Let it be me."
Thanks for reading!
I hope everyone is practicing social distancing in this difficult time. Best of health to you and yours.
