As soon as the door to the car closed, James rounded on her.
"I'm so sorry, Lily." And his hand was in his hair. "I should have told you everything sooner, and I should have-"
"James!" She raised her brow and shook her head. "James, stop!"
"No," He shook his head as well and the car started forward. This was going to be a long ride despite her comfy clothes.
"No," He repeated. "You said that if we were upset with one another then we needed to talk about it and that we couldn't just keep it all inside. You said that. And now you're upset with me and you're not talking to me and it's driving me crazy!"
It certainly looked that way.
"Who said that I wasn't talking to you?" She asked, though that wasn't really his point, but it was the easier of the problems to deal with.
He gave her a look. "You didn't talk to me this morning until your gran pointed it out, and then- Alright, fine. So, you are talking to me?"
"Yes. I just didn't want to talk about everything in front of my Gran and Mary." He understood that, right? He understood that she was embarrassed about this all.
"Alright." He nodded, but she didn't let herself hope that he could actually read her mind. "Alright, so we can talk now?"
Lily bit the tip of her tongue and nodded. "Yeah, we can talk now."
"You're upset with me." It wasn't a question.
"Of course, I am." She nodded again. He sighed, his hand back in his hair.
"I knew it."
"You should have!" She almost laughed. He was completely ridiculous. "You knew that he was trying to get me to fancy him so that he could stop me from marrying you, forcing me to give up the throne, and you didn't tell me!"
"Well I didn't think his plan was working, or I would have told you sooner!"
"It was sort of working," Lily shot back, hating that it was true, but needing to actually say it out loud.
James pressed his lips together, "Maybe at first, but I got your attention shortly after the State Dinner and then it just seemed superfluous to tell you. And I didn't want-" He cut himself off, shaking his head. "You weren't going to give up your crown for him. You wouldn't do that for anyone."
She nodded, thinking that through for a moment, "You're right. My crown was never in danger. Though someone was trying to take it from me and you should have told me that." She looked up at him and frowned. "And my pride is kind of bruised."
James let out a humorless laugh. "Yeah, mine too."
It took her a minute to figure out what he meant by that. "I didn't want to have feelings for him." This she blurted out without thinking. He looked over at her with his brow raised.
This was going to be a long trip indeed.
But James surprised her yet again. "I kind of got that feeling."
It was her turn to give him a look. "What does that mean?"
"Well Mary said-"
"Hold on! You talked to Mary about this?"
James shook his head quickly. "No- I mean, sort of. She kept telling me that it wasn't a lost cause, that you didn't really like him-"
Lily put her hand up in front of her, feeling both betrayed and furious at the moment. "Stop." She said, even though he'd already stopped talking. "Stop, you and my best friend were talking about me behind my back?"
"Don't say it like that, Lily," James' voice was quiet. "When she first spoke to me it was to put the fear of God into me, make sure that I was nice to you and whatnot. But then Bertram showed up and started throwing his pretty smiles your way and Mary came to ask me questions about him because she knew that we'd gone to school together."
"I asked for your opinion on him as well. All you told me was that he was ambitious."
"I know," James was still talking quickly. "I know, and I would have said more if you'd asked me a day later or so, but when you asked me, I hadn't seen him in a while and I thought it'd be unfair to poison the well before you'd gotten the chance to make your own judgment. I also didn't think that you'd like me bad mouthing the bloke if you were going to decide that you liked him anyway."
"But I didn't!" Lily huffed in frustration. "I didn't like him at all when I first met him! He was smarmy and arrogant and loud and disrespectful, and I wanted to kick him in the shin!"
"That didn't last very long though."
"I would have lasted if you'd told me the truth."
He clenched his jaw and nodded. "If I could go back-"
"But you can't." She crossed her arms over her chest. "What if I'd actually really liked him? Were you just going to let him break my heart?" She paused and turned to look at James now, keeping her arms in place over her chest.
James seemed to chew over what he wanted to say, his jaw staying clenched. He shook his head. "No. No, I wouldn't have let it get that far."
"Why did you let it get as far as it did? I mean he's been here for two weeks, and you haven't told me that he's been goading you and threatening my crown? We promised not to keep secrets from each other?"
He scoffed, "That's rich."
"Yes, I know. I'm a hypocrite because I didn't tell you that I was having weird and unwanted feelings for someone who you knew was trying to steal my crown!" She turned toward the window and wished that she could sink into the seat. Normally when she was upset with someone, seeing them made her much less upset. But talking to James had only made things worse it seemed.
They were quiet for a long while. Lily refused to look anywhere but out the window. She could tell that James was once again looking for something to say.
And he found it after some time. "I'm very competitive, Lily." She knew this of course, but it seemed as though it was completely random, so it threw her for a moment, and she forgot to not look at him. "I didn't want to win you over by disqualifying the other bloke you were interested in. I didn't want to be your only choice." He ran a hand through his hair. "If that was why you'd started talking to me, then you would have grown to resent me."
He was probably right, and some of her anger disappeared with his words. But not all of it. The pain shown through a bit more clearly now though. "We're supposed to be partners." She said, hating the fact that her voice cracked. She spoke more quietly to keep her voice steady. "We've not had the easiest go of things, and we talked about how important it was to be honest with one another."
"Lily, I didn't want to hurt you either. Which is why you weren't honest with me, right?"
"Yes, but it was more than that." She narrowed her brow and shook her head. "No, I didn't tell you because I felt completely ridiculous. I mean at first, I didn't tell you because it would have been mortifying. I didn't really know you but I knew that everyone was expecting me to fancy you and so I didn't want to tell you. Because I didn't want to have feelings for him, and I felt like some stupid girl in a romcom falling for someone they know is not a nice person. It only took me a few days to realize that I didn't actually like him. He makes me feel bad about myself and- It doesn't matter. He's not a nice bloke, and I worked that out on my own. But that's why I didn't tell you, I guess. To save your feelings but also to save face."
"What do you mean he makes you feel bad about yourself?"
"It's not important." She looked down at her hands and started wringing her fingers.
"Yes it is. What did he say to you?"
"I don't care what he said to me." Lily bit the tip of her tongue. "He was pretentious and condescending, but I don't think he even knew that he was doing it. Everything he said rang with an air of insincerity."
"Don't do that."
"Don't do what?"
"Don't start talking to me in your customer voice." Was she? She hadn't noticed. "I'm sorry, Lily. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you the truth from the start, that I was selfish and eager to win you over despite the competition. It won't happen again."
"Can you just tell me everything that happened?"
"Of course," He was quick to agree. "But only if you promise to do the same.
Lily wasn't as quick to agree. "Nothing actually happened." She said. "He never kissed me or anything. Mainly he just tried to tell me how much I didn't like you." James pressed his lips together. He'd looked relieved at first, but then he looked angry. "Like after the engagement, I ran into him in the kitchen."
"Was that the real reason it took you so long?"
Lily shook her head. "No, I all but ran out of the kitchen as soon as the hot chocolate was done." Apparently, she was going first.
So, she told him about how she'd kept running into him in the hallways or the garden, how he always seemed to be carrying a book, but how she never thought he was actually reading the books. She told him about how he'd stuck up for Parliament and then told her that she'd be a good queen all in one go. She told him that she'd been angry with him and herself for letting the situation escalate. She told him about how she'd vented to Mary and how she resolved to simply not allow them to be alone anymore.
She told him about how he'd asked her to dance at the ball and how she'd tried to come up with excuses to why she had to say no, she'd tried to walk away from him, but then he'd asked again and she said yes because she was afraid of being rude and because they weren't alone, so it didn't count as breaking her rule.
She told James about how he'd come to her room the following night and she hadn't let him in her room until after he'd told her that his uncle had owned the paper that ran the story about him cutting in line. She told him about how she hadn't been suspicious or upset with Bertram, but how he'd turned her good will into something else. She tried to explain how she'd felt stuck, and then she explained that after she'd spotted James, she tried to get him to stop talking about Bertram so quickly because she hadn't been sure if Bertram was trying to eavesdrop on them or not.
She told him how Mary had yelled at him on Saturday morning since even though she'd realized that he made her feel bad about herself by then, she still hadn't worked out how to yell at him herself.
She hated telling James what Bertram had said in the kitchen after they'd gotten engaged, but she wanted full honesty from him, so she gave him full honesty as well. She told him about how she'd started to have lunch with him before James had gotten back from his parents, and how much easier it had been to talk to him now that she knew for certain that she had no interest in him whatsoever but how he'd still managed to put her on edge by trying to start a conversation that she hadn't thought they needed to have.
"And that's everything." She said, shrugging her shoulders. "There were a few times when I wanted to tell you what was going on, but at first it seemed ridiculous because I'd only known you for a few days and we weren't even really friends yet, and then it seemed ridiculous because I felt like telling you would make it mean something that it didn't. I still should have been honest with you though."
He'd been quiet through her entire monologue. It had been easier to tell him everything than she'd thought it would be. And she felt better after saying it all as well. It had been weighing on her to keep it from him, but it also felt good to explain everything out loud for herself.
"He didn't seem to badmouth me as much as I thought he had been." This was the first thing James said. Lily shrugged.
"I think he knew that I wouldn't have let him." He nodded, but his expression was blank, so she didn't know what he was thinking. She took off her shoes and pulled her legs up under her. "I think it's your turn now."
James glanced over at her and then down at his lap. "Alright," He didn't look happy about it and rubbed his hands over the tops of his legs and then leaned forward, so his elbows were resting on his knees. "When you first told me that you weren't going to marry Bertram because doing so would mean giving up your crown, I thought that you would have married him if that hadn't been the case." Lily didn't interrupt him, because he hadn't interrupted her. "He seemed so sure of himself when he'd brought it up, and so I figured that there had to be a reason, which I guess was just to get in my head, but still.
He didn't say a whole lot the first couple of days that he was here, we mainly just kept our distance and spoke civilly when we had to, but then we went to the ball and he danced with you." He looked over at Lily, his head still propped up on one hand. "He came over to me and Sirius afterward, and I told you some of what he'd said, about counting chickens and insinuating that you were going to choose him over me, but he also told me that it would be easier on everyone if I just bowed out gracefully." He sat himself up again and shook his head.
"He didn't tell me then that he was planning on stealing your throne. But when you told me the next day that you'd told him that you wouldn't marry him, I kind of thought that might be his plan. He seemed to be making whatever the two of you had into something that you didn't think that it was, and he only seemed to be doing that for my benefit. I assumed that he was trying to get me to leave so that he would be there to swoop in as a viable second choice.
"I confronted him about it after Vernon, Peter and I went golfing. I told him to leave you alone, to stop messing with your head and lying." He skipped over the confrontation that they'd had on Thursday when she'd missed their date, but he'd already told her about that back in the office. "He told me that I was just jealous, which was true, but I knew that there was more to it. I told him what you'd told me, and his response was to laugh and ask me what I was so worried about then?" He shook his head again and Lily wanted to reach out and take his hand. But she also didn't want to do that because she was still upset with him.
"I mean most of it was just smug looks. And I can deal with smug looks, but then on Monday, I heard him talking to someone out in the garden, and he was angry, shouting at them about poll numbers and photographs. So I went out into the garden and asked him what all the yelling was for. I didn't see who he'd been talking to, but he got all flushed and tried to stalk off." He pushed his glasses up his face and rubbed his eyes. "He wasn't kind, Lily. I'm not going to repeat what I heard him shouting or what he said to me next. But it was very clear that he didn't think highly of you or your Gran."
"Just tell me what he said." Lily shook her head. "The gist of it."
He looked very uncomfortable again and let out a sigh. "He was saying how you were unfit to be queen. How the country has been through enough. He said that he had you in the palm of his hand- none of which is true! You're going to be a great queen, just like your gran!"
Lily didn't need James to try and boost her up just then. "And you didn't tell anyone?"
"I told Emma." James looked toward the front of the car. "She said that it didn't matter what he said to anyone because he'd signed an NDA and if anything he said about you ended up in print, he'd be sued for everything he owned. She seemed to miss the point, but she didn't seem surprised by any of it, so I figured he had already been on her radar, which meant that he was on your Gran's radar, which meant I didn't have to do anything else."
"You didn't want to do anything else."
"I didn't want to tell you any of that." He agreed.
She nodded.
The hurt was subsiding. The anger had all but gone. They'd talked it out and it made sense to her. She hadn't shared things with him either, they were both in the wrong, but they were fixing that now.
Bertram had done his best, and almost succeeded, at worming his way in between James and Lily. He'd planted seeds of doubt wherever he could and made it seem as though Lily had a more enticing offer with someone else.
"Bertram is a real bastard." She said after a moment of quiet. It hadn't been silent though because James was knocking his foot against the door. He stopped when she spoke.
"He really is." He agreed quietly.
Her hand itched to find his. "I didn't tell him that I knew what he was up to."
"You going to have your Gran kick him out?"
Lily shook her head. "No, I think it's best to let him think he's succeeding. That way he doesn't try anything new."
James nodded. "So you're going to pretend that you don't want to kick him in the shin?"
"I might end up kicking him in the shin," Lily muttered, but then shook her head. "No, I'm going to play the part he wants me to. And then, in two weeks, when we get married, there will be jack shit he can do about my being queen."
"Did I ruin everything?"
She looked at him, nearly rolling her eyes. "Don't be so dramatic."
"I'm not being dramatic, you almost cried a few minutes ago."
"I almost cry all of the time. Another thing you can add to the list. I don't like red wine, I'm obsessed with Hallmark movies and I almost cry, constantly."
James clenched his jaw and nodded. "So, you're not chucking me?"
"That's be kind of inconvenient at this point." But that had been the wrong thing to say, which she realized when she looked at him. "James," And finally she let herself take his hand. "Even if it was convenient, I wouldn't chuck you over this. I don't know why you think people aren't allowed to be upset with each other, but they are. And it's usually not the end of the world."
He squeezed her hand like he might not let go of it. "You asked me if I was ready to leave when I was mad at you."
"That was weeks ago, and what did you say to me?"
James almost smiled. "I told you that I wanted to be here so long as you wanted me here."
"That's not what I was remembering, but sure." He smiled now.
"So you're upset with me, but you're not chucking me."
"Yes." She tilted her head back against the seat and turned to look at him. "I'm even more upset that you took the donuts with you yesterday and that they're not here right now. Are you hiding them from me?"
She could tell that he was doing his best to keep from laughing, which she knew would have been from relief more than anything. "You don't want day old donuts. I'll get you some new ones." She kept looking at him. "And some more chocolate from the shop downtown." She narrowed her eyes, wondering what he'd promise her next. "And this biscuit," He reached into his pocket and pulled out a strawberry biscuit that she knew hadn't been served with breakfast.
She pressed her lips together, but there was no use pretending that she wasn't going to take the biscuit. So she reached out and took it. "I think that's my second favorite thing about you."
"That I'm a biscuit dispenser?"
"That you're willing to ruin your suits for my sweet tooth."
"My hair is your first?"
"Nah, that's Mary's favorite thing about you. Probably. I don't know for certain since you two chat with one another all the time."
"We do not." He squeezed her hand again. "It was only a couple of times, and we didn't talk about you so much as we talked about me and what I should be doing if I wanted to win you over. Which I do, very much want to do."
She felt her stomach tighten, and she almost told him that he had already won her over. But then she wasn't sure in what way he meant it and so she decided to keep quiet.
It took her a moment to realize that he wasn't going to ask her what her favorite thing about him was. She looked at him, her lips pressed together. Did she want to tell him just then? His shoulders were tense, and he was doing his best to avoid looking at her. He clearly wanted to know, and she hadn't said anything about his comment just then.
She took another bite of her biscuit and sighed, "I never feel like I have to be something that I'm not with you. I never feel like you're performing for me. My favorite thing about you is that you just accept people the way they are, that you're always kind and understanding and giving. I didn't expect you to be someone that I could anchor myself to." The last twenty-four hours, notwithstanding.
His brow had narrowed while he listened, little creases forming in his forehead. His hair was more of a mess than usual, because of how much she'd stressed him out since they had gotten in the car. The tension was gone from his shoulders now though.
After a moment, he looked down at his hands and Lily let out a breath. "That's a lot of nice things you just said about me." Lily bit the tip of her tongue and looked down at her hands as well.
"I say nice things to you all the time." She said, and she was fairly certain that it was the truth. She made him blush often enough anyway.
He wasn't blushing now though.
"Yeah, but that was really nice. And you're upset with me, so I feel like it was even nicer."
"I'm not that upset with you. It's not as though I was entirely faultless here." She sighed again, leaned against the window and started playing with the laces on her shoes.
"You didn't want to tell me that you fancied a bloke you knew was a dick." James' head leaned back against the seat. "When you asked me about him, I should have just told you that he had started a bar fight in Brustles with Remus. I still don't know why that happened, but who fights with Remus? Or I could have told you that he used to have his father donate money to our school to get his good grades. Or anything else. But I didn't."
"Yes, but you didn't like him, and you seem to like everyone, so I should have known something was off."
"Don't do that." He shook his head. "Don't try and-"
"I'm not. I'm just owning up to the fact that this whole problem was created by both of us, not just you." She had wanted to believe that Bertram was good and honest. She hadn't wanted to listen to anyone else's opinion about this one thing. And she'd picked a poor thing to ignore other people's advice on. She didn't always have the greatest judge of character. She knew that she was too forgiving and too willing to find the good where there wasn't enough. She'd just been feeling so caged in, so backed into a corner, that she had willed herself to be blind to the problems that Bertram brought with him.
"I like that I don't have to put up a front around you either."
"You did at first. You kept acting like everything was perfect and that nothing upset you. I had to yell at you to get you to tell me that you were upset with me."
"Well, I wanted to make a good impression. Also, I guess you've realized that I'm not the greatest at conflict."
"I'm very good at conflict." Lily gave him a small smile, still holding his hand. "I enjoy getting to chew people out when they deserve it. And I'm pretty good at telling people when they've upset me. And I'm really good at yelling at people when they hurt my friends- er, Mary."
"I'll work on it."
"Let's just make another pact." Lily let go of his hand and turned to face him.
He turned toward her as well. "What kind of pact."
"No secrets." She held out her hand.
James hesitated for a moment. "No secrets at all?"
Lily shrugged her shoulder, "You know what I mean."
James nodded and took her hand.
The partition slid down and Emma's face appeared, just as flushed and sickly looking as before. "We'll be there in about five minutes." She was even harder to understand than earlier. "The trailers are already there. We're going to do two costume changes, but if you do what you're supposed to, it'll be fast. You will be cold though."
"You better be bundled up the whole time." Lily said sternly. "Or in the trailer."
"I'll be bundled up. I want to overlook everything." And then she slid the partition up so that Lily couldn't argue with her.
"Can your gran tell her to take time off?"
Lily nodded. "I'll call her after the shoot if Emma doesn't go home."
James nodded.
Soon the car was stopping at they were at the cliffs. Lily realized that neither she nor James had a coat, and it was much colder here than at the palace. The wind coming in from the ocean and off the cliffs, cut through her sweater.
James was whisked away to one trailer and Lily to the other. She was shoved into a dark, maroon colored gown, which had sleeves, but it felt like silk, so it would do nothing to keep her warm.
"Can I wear leggings under it?" She asked one of the women who was working on her hair. She shook her head.
"No, Emma didn't give us leggings."
"She's definitely going to get me sick." Lily muttered.
"I am not going to get you sick." Emma walked into the trailer, bringing in a blast of cold air with her. "I was hoping that it would be warmer this morning, but this is what we have to work with. Don't worry though, as long as you and James look at each other like you did in that photo from the greenhouse, then we won't be here long."
Lily swallowed and bit down on the tip of her tongue. "Right." Except she hadn't known that there was anyone watching her when she was in the greenhouse. And she had been tipsy. There had been no expectations then either. She had just been smiling at him because he'd made her smile.
Things were still weird between them now.
And these were their engagement photos, which carried a whole slew of implications.
Soon they had her all dolled up and she was all but shoved out of the door and walked over to the cliffs, where James was already waiting.
"Well that's just not fair at all." Lily said when she saw him. "He gets to wear a tux and I'm in this silk scrap of fabric?"
"It's a very modest dress." Emma argued.
"She's going to freeze." James said.
"We won't let her freeze." Emma waved her gloved hand. "Now get over there and do what you're told so she can get back in the trailer.
Lily took his arm and pulled him toward the camera. They were set up in front of a cliff. "Alright. Let's do this."
"What do they want us to do? No one really gave me any instructions."
"Look at me like you did in the greenhouse picture." Lily said. "That's what Emma said. Or at least that's what I heard. It's v-v-v-very hard to unders-s-stand her."
"Why are we doing this outside?"
"I'm f-f-fine." Lily shook her head. "We'll only b-b-be out here for a m-m-minut-t-te."
He wrapped his arm around her and even the heat she managed to leach from him didn't do much to keep her warm.
Someone told them where to stand and then the photographer was in front of them, telling them what he wanted from them and where they were supposed to stand.
It was weird. It was awkward. And Lily was freezing, but Emma hadn't lied. It didn't take long for them to get whatever it was that they wanted.
By the time they got around to the third outfit, which kept Lily as warm as the first one had, Lily was smiling and laughing along with James easily. She was still freezing, and her teeth were chattering, but it was fine, they were having fun.
And then they were back in the car, and James pulled her against his side and started rubbing his hand up and down her arm. "They could have given you a blanket or something."
"I'll blast the heat," Moody said, before Emma slid the partition back up. She was keeping her word about doing whatever she could to keep Lily from getting sick, but she could have waited until Lily responded to Moody before she closed the partition.
"I'll keep you warm until the heat comes on."
"They should have let me wear a tux."
James nodded. "They definitely should have."
"Yeah? I'd look great in a tux."
"You really would." He pulled her a bit closer and she laughed.
"Are you placating me?"
"No." He looked down at her. "No, I think you would look really good in a tux. Honestly."
"Good." She nodded. "I should wear more suits and less skirts. Trousers are infinitely more comfortable." She tilted her head to the side. "Well not really, but I don't like being the only one wearing a skirt when parliament is in session. And you can't crisscross your legs in a skirt."
"Well then, maybe you should give it a go tomorrow."
Lily laughed. "I don't own any suits, or I would. Also, tomorrow is Friday, so Parliament is not in session."
"Are you visiting schools again?"
"Yes, but secondary schools this week. Which is still fun, but I think I prefer visiting primary schools and nurseries. Their questions are easier to answer."
James laughed. "I can imagine."
"Would you come with me again?" She looked up, but since he had her pulled against his side, she couldn't see his face very well, only the bottom of his jaw and his ear.
"I'd love to."
"Good." She settled against him and smiled to herself before remembering what the rest of the day would bring. "James, we have to be outside all day."
He sighed, "I know."
"And you can't keep me warm like this all day," She added forlornly.
"No, I suppose I can't," He chuckled. "Though, perhaps we'll be a bit smarter and bring some coats with us."
"Yeah, maybe. That sounds like a good idea."
"It really does."
AN: Don't forget to review!
