The Flower Moon
Year Eight, Chapter Twenty
Coming Clean
Renesmee's Point of View
Oh crap!
He knew.
Jacob knew I was feeding from Wolves!
How long had he known?
Last week I woke up in the middle night to find his side of the bed empty. When I went searching I found him asleep on the floor in the garage. He'd been working on the car he got me for my birthday earlier that day. He claimed he fell asleep down there while he was working, but I found him asleep on the couch the next night, the TV still on. That time he said he'd fallen asleep watching some old movie. Perfectly plausible, but when it happened for the third night in the row I started to wonder.
When Jake began spending more and more time away from me I'd wondered if he could feel, through our Imprint bond, how much I wanted his blood. I thought that was it. I figured that he was being safe. That that was why he'd barely touched, or came near me, lately.
But I was wrong.
He must hate me.
I'd been so worried I might attack him while he slept. At least this way, no matter how mad he was at me, he was safe. I'd rather lose his love, than his life.
Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I should have stayed and talked things out with Jacob. I didn't want Jake to see me as the monster that I knew I was. I thought that if I never acknowledged what I'd done, then he wouldn't really, truly, know.
But he did.
And so I ran.
So now I was sitting on a rock somewhere in the middle of the New Hampshire wilderness, crying into Nahuel's shoulder, ruining his shirt with my tear soaked wales. "He knows," I croaked. "What am I going to do?"
Nahuel wrapped me in his arms, unsuccessfully trying to comfort me. "I'm afraid there is nothing you can do. Unless you wanted to -"
"Don't be ridiculous. I could never do that. But you should have seen me back there, just him being in the same room with me. Jake's smell was just too overwhelming, I couldn't even stand it, I had to get out of there as fast as I could. I should have stayed, explained why I'm out here with you, doing this -"
I snapped out of my commiserations at the same time Nahuel's body stiffened – both a reaction to the same sound. I would know that howl anywhere. Leah! What was she doing here?
"You have got to be kidding me!" Leah screamed at me. "Jake stupidly asked me to watch over you, make sure you stayed safe, while hunting." Her eyes were wild as they darted back and forth between Nahuel and me. "He thought... he was actually worried about you, but I guess there was nothing for him to worry about." What was wrong with her?
"AARRRGH!" she screamed, looking over at Nahuel now. She was really losing it. "I knew it. Damn-it, damn-it, damn-it! Men are pigs, why did I ever even try and love again? I knew it was only going to hurt me in the end."
What? I was confused.
Oh, it dawned on me what she thought she saw. I guess this did look bad.
"Darling that's not what this is," Nahuel began to protest, extricating himself from around me. I probably should have stepped away from him before this. If I was thinking clearly I probably would have.
"Don't give me that crap," Leah growled back. "I saw you with my own eyes, you were all over her and she was kissing your chest."
"No, I wasn't." "She was not." We both said in unison.
"I should have known when you found Jake with that hooker," she said waving her finger at him, "that their Imprint wasn't normal. Stupid, half breed," she spat at me. "You leeches ruin everything. You know that. I hate you," she cried to Nahuel, before phasing back into a Wolf and running off to who knows where.
"Nessie, I'm sorry, but I need to go after her," Nahuel said to me while already running after Leah, in an attempt to chase after her, clear across the mountain top.
Damn-it! What else could go wrong today?
I needed to get home and explain things to Jake. I'll have to try to fix things between Nahuel and Leah too, but Jake was my main concern. But I still hadn't fed and couldn't risk being around Jacob right now. Not like this. I wanted his blood too much. I loved him, and while I kept telling myself that I would never hurt him I was too worked up, and I might... no, I would attack him; my emotions were too heightened right now. I couldn't control myself and I definitely didn't want to hurt Jake.
As fast as I could I found what I was looking for and quickly fed. I probably should have hunted down another Wolf but I didn't want to be away any longer, I'd already been gone for hours. Instead I made my way home as fast as I could. My thirst was better under control now. Not totally, I don't think it will ever be until...
"There you are." Jake was sitting on our front steps, waiting for me. He didn't look happy. I didn't expect him to, but he looked worse than I expected. He was just in his shorts, so even without hearing Leah's howl alerting him that it was urgent he do so, I knew he had phased. Which meant at the very least he had seen my crying in Nahuel's arms. "So are you ready to talk? Are you going to tell me what's going on? Because right now I think we have some major problems."
"Jake you don't believe Leah, do you? You don't think that I would -"
"No, but I don't know what the truth is either. I know what she saw and I know what she heard -"
"What she heard?" I started thinking back to exactly what Nahuel and I'd said to each other, it wasn't that bad was it? Yeah she'd flipped out, but she was always upset about something, and she never liked me. But how was it that she could have misinterpreted anything that we'd said, even if she confused what she saw?
I'd said He knows, with my head on Nahuel's shoulder, then What am I going to do?
Nahuel had replied I'm afraid there is nothing you can do. Unless you wanted to... while putting his arms around me.
Don't be ridiculous. I could never do that. But you should have seen me back there, just him being in the same room with me. Jake's smell was just too overwhelming, I couldn't even stand it, I had to get out of there as fast as I could. I should have stayed, explained why I'm out here with you, doing this...
Hmmm, I guess she could have interpreted Nahuel innocently trying to comfort me as something scandalous. And my comments about Jake didn't sound good, if one didn't know what I was talking about.
I hadn't thought, for a second, that Jake was with that hooker when Nahuel had told me what he saw. Why would he now believe Leah? "Jake, I swear, there's nothing going on between me and Nahuel."
"I know," he shook his head. "I already told you that I didn't believe Leah. She has some trust issues with men. It tends to cloud her judgment," he huffed. "Now quit stalling and tell me what's really going on," he grunted. "Just tell me the truth. Look me in the eyes and admit that you're feeding on wolves."
Damn, he just came right out and said it. I briefly thought about lying and admitting to having an affair with Nahuel instead of feeding from wolves. Maybe that would hurt Jake less.
No! I needed to confess, no matter how much it hurt.
"I… I-" I tried, but couldn't answer him. I wanted to, but the words wouldn't come out. I couldn't even look at him. I just stood there, staring at an invisible dot between his feet.
"Just tell me why," he growled. Jake had never growled at me before. "Why wolves? You know they are like family to me. They're part of me. Don't you know that Nessie? When you attack one of them it's like you're attacking me."
"I know, Jake." I'd never meant for it to get this bad. The first time I fed from a wolf I hadn't even realized I'd done it, I'd gone into some sort of daze. But feeding from them only helped a little. I still wanted Jake's blood, more and more. "That's why I'm doing it. That's why I'm going after wolves, because they smell like you," I spat. But wolf blood only seemed to be a temporary bandage to my thirst issues.
"What?" His anger was replaced by utter shock. "Do you want to kill me?"
"NO! Of course not." How could he think that? "I would never want to hurt you." Well not physically at least, I guess I'd hurt him emotionally. "It's why I've been hunting the wolves. You know I love you. More than my own life."
"You're craving my blood again. " Realization dawned on his face as he spoke. "Are you -" he cut himself off, glancing down at my stomach. But that wasn't the reason. It wasn't possible now that I'd stopped aging. I was a twenty-three year old menopausal Half-Vampire.
"No, I'm not pregnant. But I do want your blood, more than anything, which is exactly why I can't have it. I want it so much more than last time. I don't know what I'm going to do.
"It's so much worse than when we were on Isle Esme. I don't want just a few sips from you. I want all of it," I said, shame leaking into every word I spoke and probably written all over my face. But I'd said it. I finally said it out loud, to him, while simultaneously admitting the whole truth to myself. "What am I going to do now? Nahuel said I'm going to be like this for awhile, as my body settles into its new frozen state.
"Nahuel knows about this?" Jake questioned me, the anger building in his voice again.
"Yes, he explained why I wanted your blood so badly. It happened for him and his sisters, too. But they just craved massive amounts of human blood; I only seem to want yours. It must be because of our Imprint bond, because I have no desire for Dave's Wolf blood." Or Felicity's.
"Then why did you go after Jack Fisher?"
"I think that must have just been from my pregnancies, or the deliveries, like my Grandfather thought. My uncontrollable need for your blood is different; it's because I've reached maturity. The close timing is just a coincidence." At least that was the best explanation I could come up with. I didn't know for certain, I don't think anyone did, but I guess that theory was just as good, or better, than any others.
"The blood that my Grandfather gave me only cured my craving for human blood, I still want yours. And it's getting worse, not better, as time goes on. Wolf blood tastes closest to yours, but it's only satiating... placating, my thirst temporarily." This was so hard. I was close to hyperventilating now. But I had to get it all out; I had to come clean, completely. "It's working less and less, Jake. I don't know what to do. It's not like I can drink from you."
"Why wouldn't you just tell me all of this," Jake asked me, the final bits of anger finally vanishing from his voice. "Talk to me if something, anything, is bothering you. We could have found a way to possibly have prevented this." As he spoke he got up and began walking over to me. But every step he took toward me I took one back. I couldn't have him nearer to me. Not now. I was agitated again. I was wrong earlier, the one wolf I found wasn't enough. My emotions were too high right now and it made me want to drink from him even more. At least the wind was blowing in my favor.
"Jake, I can't. I'm sorry I can't be near you right now. I want you... I want your blood too much." That halted his advance.
"Nessie, Eddie once wanted Bella's blood just like you're describing, back when she was human, before he changed her. If he could resist, so can you."
"There is one major difference between my Father and me. He could hold his breath, forever if he needed to. He didn't have to breathe in my Mother's scent if he was in danger of losing control. I can't do that. I need to breathe. The only thing I can do is stay away from you."
Just then the wind shifted, drawing his scent in my direction. I almost gave in and leapt on him, but somehow, I didn't know where my strength to resist came from, but I ran to the closest tree and dug my nails in, down to my knuckles, anchoring myself, somewhat to the spot. Sorry Grandma Esme; I think she liked that one.
"Nessie, you're stronger than you think. You can control yourself. I believe in you."
"And if I can't?" I wasn't going to last much longer. I needed to get further away from him. "What am I going to do?" Wind please shift, please. "It's just so hard being around you. I can't take it." There, finally the wind shifted again. Thank goodness. Clean, Jake-scent-free air. "What if I hurt you, what if I... what if I kill you?"
"Nessie, honey, I'm not some weak little human. Don't worry about me. I love you, I would do anything for you," he cooed as he began to inch closer.
Why was he torturing me like this? Didn't he see how hard this was for me right now?
"I'm sorry, Jake. I just can't. I can't be tempted like that. I don't trust myself around you. I love you too much. I think the safest, best thing, for now is for me to -" was I really going to say it? Was I that close to losing it? Yes, yes I was. "To stay away from you. I'll stay in one of the other houses, just until my issue is resolved. It's safest for everyone."
His eyes widened. "No, Renesmee! Don't do this to us. Don't leave me. I need you. I'd rather be dead than live without you."
"It won't last forever," I tried to reassure him.
"How long?"
"Not sure," I shrugged, not letting go of the tree. "According to Nahuel it was as little as a few months to a year at most, for him and his sisters, before things went back to normal."
"A year? I can't stay away from you for a year, don't ask me to. You're my Imprint Renesmee. I'll go crazy if I'm not with you every single day."
Crazy… but alive. "I know, and it gets worse. It only ended after they gorged themselves on human blood."
Despair turned to resignation on Jake's face. I thought he'd finally grasped the reality of the situation… of why I needed to stay away from him, but I was wrong.
He held out his arm. "Just take my blood sweetheart. Drink it. If it's what you want... what you need, then take it. It will help... both of us."
"But I can't, Jacob. Don't you see? I've absolutely no control right now. I wouldn't be able to stop."
"You will, sweetheart. I believe in you."
"Damn-it Jake, stop saying that!" It was hard enough just standing here.
"And if you don't... I don't know, maybe we could..." he shook his head, "we'd think of something."
"No, WE won't think of anything, Jake, because YOU will be dead."
Jake did the last thing he should have and walked toward me.
That was it. I couldn't take it anymore. His scent was everywhere. I pulled my fingers out of the tree, releasing myself.
I didn't have a choice. The need... my desire... it was too strong. I had to do it... even though it meant I would never forgive myself.
A.N. I know, i know... another cliffhanger. But i have to give you a reason to come back and finish reading the story.
Please review - what else do you have to do while on lock down?
