Disclaimer: I do not nor have I ever owned Star Wars. I simply play in their world.
Reviews! Reviews! Love it? Hate it? Everything in between?
Once upon a time in a galaxy far, far away...
Rey
"You can't leave."
I bite my lip and hold my arms close to my body.
His words are quiet but with a command I have come to know. Obsidian eyes, shadows and fire, look up at me and already I can feel myself drowning in them.
I have to shake my head and pull away from his perceptive eyes.
"Ben you know I can't stay. You can't keep me here."
But oh, there was a part of me that wish he would. Now that I have spent time with him, now that he let me see the man behind the mask, I don't know how to leave him.
"Actually, for the time being, I can. No ship can leave this planet until morning."
"Wait...what?"
"The skies are monitored by my scouts as soon as night falls. Any ship caught trying to leave is immediately shot down. No exceptions."
I didn't know that. Of course I hadn't meant to be on this planet for as long as I was.
"I don't understand, why?"
"To cut down on Resistance scouts trying to spy on First Order worlds."
That made sense. If our forces were trying to get intel in and out we normally did it when we were less likely to be seen.
"Oh."
Well that certainly put a halt to my plans.
"Rey," he lifts his hand, shadowed eyes imploring me, "come here."
I'm already reaching out as he pulls me to him, his hand resting on my waist as I stand between his legs.
"Are you so eager to get away?"
"I...that's not playing fair. How can you expect me to answer that?"
"I have no intention of 'playing fair' as you so eloquently put it. You have to stay, at least until morning."
"I know," I sigh and look around, "I can sleep on my ship and take off at first light."
"Let me stay with you."
I can only stare at him, my lips parting.
"I..Ben what are you...I don't..."
A single finger to my lips, effectively halting my ability to speak.
"I'm not asking to make love to you," oh that look in his eyes that has me almost wanting to argue, "when I take you as my lover, it will not be on dilapidated starship."
My throat is dry but I manage to push his finger from my mouth so I can speak.
My hands are resting on his shoulders, his on my hips.
I lick my dry lips, watching his eyes turn molten at that small gesture.
"So...if you don't want to," my face is burning and I can't say the words
make love, "then what are you asking?"
"I want to hold you in my arms. I want to spend the night by your side."
I look at the cot and it is big enough to hold the two of us, but barely.
I can't believe that I'm actually considering letting him stay. I've never shared my bed with anyone.
He doesn't press me but I can feel the tension in him and as I look back into his eyes, the open yearning in them I already know what my answer is.
"Yes. You can stay."
How many restless nights had I wished for the same thing, if only once?
His eyes widen and now I am the one catching him by surprise.
A firm tug on my waist and he is tumbling me across his lap.
An mortifying squeak leaves my lips as I find myself flat on my back on the bed with Ben leaning over me.
"Be sure about this Rey," he tells me, his fingers running through my tangled hair, "I want no regrets from you in the morning."
There are many regrets I have in my life, too many to count, but this will not be one of them.
Not when I see the vulnerability in his eyes as he stares down at me. Not when I can feel his hand trembling in my hair.
He is not so confidant as he wishes me to believe...and that is my undoing.
I'm reaching to touch his face.
"There won't be," I tell him, rubbing my thumb over his cheekbone, "I'm not a child Ben. I may not be wise in the way of men," and I can't believe I'm admitting this to him, "but I know that I want you to stay."
His fingers tighten in my hair and I can tell he wants to kiss me...but he's hesitating.
I know he said that he wouldn't make love to me, and I have to admit I'm torn both ways about that, but it doesn't diminish the need I have for him.
I lift my head, despite his hold on my hair, and press my lips to his.
It seems that's all the invitation he needed. He's pushing me gently back onto the bed, his mouth taking over and I have my fingers buried in his hair.
The heat of his body pressed against mine is a delicious weight, his fingers stroking my hair and I am surrounded by him.
I've never been drunk, but I think this is what it must feel like.
Intoxicated by the feel of him, the scent of him and I open my mouth wider, wanting all of him.
His fingers tighten on my hip, causing me to arch my back in shocked delight at his possessiveness.
"Rey." my name a dark caress on his lips as they slide down my throat and I don't want him to stop.
"Ben," a whimper escapes me as his hand slides beneath my top, stroking my spine.
His mouth on my neck, his fingers kneading my skin and I feel as though he's burning me alive.
Abruptly he pulls his mouth from me.
His hair is tousled from where I've buried my fingers in it, his eyes pools of darkness threatening to pull me back under.
"This...," his voice is ragged and I cannot help but feel smug at the sound, "is not...what I had in mind."
"No?" I tilt my head slightly, feeling my lips curve and he closes his eyes, a soft groan leaving his mouth.
"Rey," a pained sound, "I'm trying...to be good."
At this moment I don't want him to be good.
I sigh and lean back, letting go of him. Now I'm the one closing my eyes or I might be tempted to reach up and steal another kiss from him.
"Maybe," I retort and I sound grumpy, "you shouldn't have tumbled me onto the bed."
His fingers are out of my hair but he hasn't released my hip and I look up at him when he remains silent.
He's looking at me with an amused gleam in his eye.
"Well at least you don't look so nervous now."
I sit up, resting on my elbows, my legs still dangling over his lap.
"So this was for my benefit?" A soft snort but the truth is, he's right. I don't feel as nervous as I did when he had asked me to let him stay.
The look of his face in my answer and I scowl at him, swinging my legs off of him.
"Well since we've decided your staying," exasperation at his small deception, "I'm going to get ready for bed."
I get up quickly but my own words make me pause.
"Just, umm, what do you wear for bed?"
I remember the dream that wasn't a dream, our first Bond since Crait. Ben in his quarters, the flowing robe that left his chest bare and the pants that rode low on his hips.
That memory still makes me burn, even after all this time.
I turn to look at him, he has his injured hand resting on the other, seemingly calm.
Too bad he has that slight glimmer of mischief in his eyes that gives lie to his outer appearance.
"Very little."
I can feel the scalding heat across my skin, I know he's teasing me but I can't help my reaction.
"I'll, um, see what I can find."
"Find?" Bemusement now, no longer teasing.
I wave a hand at his clothes, which still have blood-splatter over them.
"I'm not sleeping with you if you're going to be covered in blood and since I doubt you have a change of clothes on you," his eyes flicker and I give him a smug look, "I'll see what I can find."
"You have spare clothes..for men on your ship."
"Probably. I have almost everything else."
I turn, wondering if that old captain who gave me this ship still has that cache of clothing I thought I saw as I looked her over before deciding to accept his offer.
A strong arm slips around my waist, the other across my shoulder and I can feel the heat of him against my back.
I'm trapped and I have no idea why.
I tilt my head up to look at Ben, the shadows flaring in his eyes.
"What's wrong?"
"Why do you spare clothes for men on your ship?"
Soft words but the arctic tone sent icy fingers sliding down my spine.
Why would he...oh...oh!
I have to be wrong but he sounds...jealous that I share my ship with other men.
Which when I fly the Falcon, is true. I normally have Poe or Finn with me, even Chewie. That ship requires at least two pilots and a gunner.
But not this one, which is why I chose it.
"Are you...jealous?"
Again his eyes flair, shadows dancing and though he looks quite dangerous right now...I feel perfectly safe in his arms.
A tickle of delight and I cannot help the grin that breaks out at the thought that my Ben might actually be jealous.
"I...don't like the thought of wearing one of your," I can practically feel his teeth grinding, "companions clothing. I think I'd rather sleep naked."
I choke on the sudden image of a naked Ben in my bed and have to turn my head away.
Desire, hot and pulsing inside of me, digs talons into me and I'm trying hard to remember why I don't want him to make love to me.
"Not," and why does my voice sound so breathless, "necessary. The clothes are from the old captain who used to own this ship."
His grip around me tightens and I feel his lips on my skin, his breath in my ear and I swear he's doing this on purpose to torment me.
"You wouldn't lie to me would you Rey?"
Gods, if I don't get out of his arms soon I am going to tumble him back on the bed and this time I won't stop.
"N-no. Now let go so I can change and get you some fresh clothes. You're starting to stink."
I wrinkle my nose to show him, but it's a lie. All I smell is him. Frost and rain and dark notes of something so male, it wraps around me with sensual teasing.
I feel his arms loosen and I pull out of them, not daring to look at him.
"Do I have the lady's permission to use her shower?"
I'm not going to fall for his words...but I'm already turning to look at him, narrow eyed suspicion at his sudden polite request.
The shadows in his eyes are banked, but not gone.
His face is a mask and I cannot read him.
"You said I smelled...unpleasant."
I did say that. But I'm looking at his wrapped hand, frowning.
"You'll need to coat the bandages against the water...the spray is in the medkit."
"So that's a yes?"
I sigh and nod my head. "Go ahead, I'll knock when I find you some clothes. I'll leave them in the bathroom for you so you can change."
Before he can open his mouth to reply I'm already ducking out of the sleeping quarters.
Ben in my shower, the water running over...
"Whoa," I whisper, pressing my hand to my pounding heart, "where is this coming from."
I didn't lust over men, ever. Yet here I was, fantasizing about Ben in the shower.
"I'm losing my mind. It's the only explanation."
But I wouldn't trade this time with him for anything. I hear the pipes rattle and the rush of water and know that Ben is in the shower.
I need to find those clothes and quick. I don't want to walk in on Ben before he's done.
I think I would probably die...of lust or mortification, I really couldn't say.
"Yes, I knew you were here."
I pull out a small cloth bag, the one I had set my own spare clothes on.
I lifted the clothes to my nose, a bit musty but clean.
Ben is so tall I can only hope the captain's old clothes will fit him. I shake out a few pieces...and find a simple pair of loose, black pants.
"This might work..." the other pieces were made for working. Pants with pockets, shirts that were padded around the elbow.
Nothing that could be thought of as 'sleeping' wear.
"Well it's this or..." I shake my head away from the alternative and quickly get to my feet, my own clothes over my arm.
I can still hear the water running and take a deep breath.
I call through the door, loud enough that he can hear me over the spray.
"Ben? I have some clothes for you."
I hear a muffled reply and let the door slide open, steam filling the air.
I avert my eyes from where the shower is over in the corner and place his clothes on the sink.
"Your...um, clothes. I left them on the sink."
The shirt, vest and pants are still on the floor and I pick them up, wondering how he acquired them in first place.
Probably a better idea not to ask. I might not like the answer.
"Thank you Rey. I'll be out momentarily."
Polite words but I can still feel the caress in them and my heart stutters.
"Okay. Sure. Whenever your done."
I bolt out of the bathroom and let the door slide behind me.
I said I wasn't going to regret this but I had no idea how the hell I was going to survive the night.
I'm on the bed, waiting for my turn in the bathroom.
I can't change in the open knowing he could walk out at anytime.
My courage doesn't go that far.
The door slides open...and I forget how to think.
His hair is tousled, the water darkening the color to midnight, wet strands still clinging to his neck.
My eyes can't seem to find a spot to focus on. The scar on his face that runs down his neck and to his shoulder is vivid against his skin. I can see all the other, smaller scars on his arms and chest. The pants I gave him ride low on his hips, the material just covering his ankles.
As my eyes dip lower, I can see the scar on his side from where he took the blast from Chewie.
His body is a testament to his will, forged by war and death.
He is so beautiful I can hardly breath past the want choking me.
"Rey."
Shadows and starlight, my name a haunted song on his lips.
I bolt from the bed, from him.
"I'm going to shower." I rush past him and lock the door behind me as soon as it snaps close.
The air is no longer redolent with steam. He must have shut off the hot water to cool in order for it to clear that quickly.
It was a thoughtful gesture, to make sure I had hot water but I could have told him that the water automatically recycles itself so there was no wait time.
I strip out of my clothing quickly, the leather top and pants somehow smothering now and step into the small cubicle.
I can only stand there, letting the water fall over me as I lean my head against the wall.
He was just on the other side of that door, waiting for me.
I wanted to stay in my shower forever.
I wanted it to end quickly so I could return to him.
"Stupid." I mutter but I don't if I'm talking to myself...or him.
The heat works a minor miracle as I feel the muscles unlock and I begin to wash the sweat and dirt off of my body and hair.
The air smells like lemon and a single, blooming flower. The tech, T'nesha, makes special soaps for all the female fighters.
"We may fight along side the men," she told me with a wink as she handed me the soap, "but that doesn't mean we have to smell like them."
The memory makes me smile as I scrub myself clean. I've never used another scent since then.
Considering the times I've caught Ben catching my hair and lifting it to his face, I think he likes it too.
The thought of him makes my heart stutter, again, and I quickly finish my shower.
My skin is pink from the heat, my hair dripping a column of water down my spine before wring it out.
My clothes are where I left them, on the sink and I rub the water out of my skin vigorously, wrapping my hair up until I can comb out the tangles.
There was a reason I left my hair up, less work.
I slip into my night clothes...and could have smacked myself for it.
I can only stare at myself in the mirror, the simple top with the thin straps and shorts that just reach the top of my thighs, I might have well been screaming an invitation at him.
Well it's not like I have anything else to wear, I wasn't exactly expecting company, and maybe he wouldn't notice how much skin I was showing.
I know I'm stalling. I sigh and pull the towel off of my hair, trying to get as much water out of it so I don't soak the pillow.
A snarled mess meets my eyes and I grab my comb, telling myself to just get it over with already.
I press the keypad that unlocks the door as it slides free and step out, to where Ben is waiting for me.
He's sitting on the bed, his hands resting on his knee's, his expression guarded.
I clutch my comb to me like a talisman, my heartbeat too loud in my ears.
Nothing has changed.
Everything has changed.
"I...I don't know how to do this."
The words slip from my mouth and I'm waiting for him to ask me what I'm talking about and I don't know if I can.
"Neither do I."
Some of the tension leaves me at his soft confession.
"You don't?"
He shakes his head at me, an almost painful expression on his face.
"I've never shared my life like this...with anyone. You are the first, Rey. The only one."
"You too," I tell him, my feet moving forward without even thinking about it. "I don't," I take a breath and let it out slowly, offering him a tentative smile, "no one see's me like this. Not Poe, not Finn...just you."
He doesn't smile, but his eyes lighten and I can almost see the tension in him retreating.
"What's in your hand?"
"Oh, this?" I was clutching my comb so hard it had left an imprint in my skin, "I need to get the tangles out of my hair. It's a mess."
He lifts his hand to me, "Let me do that for you," I can only stare at him, not expecting that and he must have taken my shock for hesitation, "please."
Such a wistful word from him.
I rejected his 'please' the first time he ever asked me. It broke me to do it but this...
I'm already handing him the comb, our fingers brushing against each other.
He moves back from the edge, giving me room.
The bed creaks between our combined weight. His legs press around me, the heat of his body as I feel his hands lift my hair, sliding the comb through the tangles.
His touch is gentle and the feel of him brushing my hair is an intimacy I hadn't expected, but I liked it.
I like it a lot. The smooth, even strokes is calming and slowly I begin to relax, pulling my knee's up so I can rest my head on them.
He doesn't stop, even when I know that it can't be taking this long to get the tangles out.
I don't care, I'm enjoying this.
I'm partially drowsing when I feel the bed shift. The touch of his skin against mine, his hand sweeping my hair off to the side as his lips press a tender kiss to the back of my neck.
"Mmm," I lift my head, his arms slipping around my waist and I let him pull me on the bed, his arm my pillow as I gaze up at him.
His face is no longer a mask, his eyes a soft glow as he pushes strands away from my eyes.
"Hi."
I don't know why I said that, but I can feel my lips curving into a smile.
"Hi."
Laughter in his voice and the last of my reservations melt away. I lay my hand across his, mindful of the bandages and lift the other to brush raven strands from his eyes.
"Thank you for brushing my hair."
"You're welcome," hesitation in him, "thank you for letting me."
Considering the pleasure I felt from it, I could only smile in return.
His hand resting my stomach, his arm pillowed under my head and I felt boneless with contentment.
We lay pressed against each other, aware of each other and it was enough.
Somehow he had maneuvered me so I was next to the wall, his body shielding me from the open doorway.
I might have argued, except I always slept by the wall.
I wanted to say more...but then I felt the yawn take over.
"You need sleep."
"So do you."
"I rarely sleep for more than few hours."
"Not tonight."
I turn on my side, tugging his arm over me as he curls his body around mine.
There is only a light blanket on the bed but the heat of him is more than enough to keep me warm.
I've never slept in a man's arms but with Ben, it didn't feel wrong.
It felt as though I had been waiting my entire life to be held by him.
My eyelids heavy as he pulls me closer to him.
I snuggled in his arms, no longer trying to stay awake.
"Good night...Ben." I murmur, our fingers entwined and before sleep claims me I feel the brush of his lips against my temple.
"Good night...my Rey."
The dark cadence of his voice follows me into my dreams.
I wake slowly, knowing something doesn't feel quite right. There is a heavy warmth across my waist and slow breathing that isn't me.
I open my eyes...to see Ben's face, relaxed in sleep.
Ben. Last night, asking me to stay.
Saying yes...brushing my hair...the feel of him wrapped around me.
The memories flood and that tender feeling from yesterday comes rushing back as I look at him.
He's younger, somehow. The weight of the world not yet present.
I have never seen him look this peaceful, this vulnerable.
His arms is still pillowed beneath my head, we are but a few inches apart and I am content to watch his sleeping face.
I lift my hand slowly, I don't want to disturb him, but I can't resist pushing the silken strands from his face.
He murmurs and I halt but he doesn't wake.
I can see daylight filtering through the small window and I know I should leave.
But I don't, not yet.
Instead I stay by his side, memorizing his face. The feeling of waking up next to him, to be able to touch him.
When he wakes we won't be Ben and Rey anymore.
He will be Kylo Ren, the Supreme Leader of the First Order and I will be Rey of the Resistance.
Tears clog my throat, an ache that grips me and I lean over, pressing a kiss to his mouth.
His arm that is laying across my waist tightens as he pulls me next to him.
Eyes of obsidian open, drowsy, and I see his mouth curve up at the sight of me.
He's smiling, my Ben is smiling at me.
I can barely move, not daring to breath, at the sight of his smile.
I thought to hold onto my heart, to guard it against him, but he's already stolen it.
I never knew a smile could devastate me the way his does.
"Good morning." I whisper, touching his mouth with my fingers.
"Good morning." he presses a kiss to my fingers, that smile lingering yet.
A questioning look in his eyes but I don't want him to realize what he's said, what it will mean for us, and I remove my fingers to replace them with my lips.
Soft breathing, my hands stroking his face, his threading through my hair and I could cry how perfect this feels between us.
He pulls away, even as I press my hand against his chest, quiet laughter from him.
If I had any hope of taking my heart back from him, it is gone with that sound.
"If I knew I was going to wake up to this sort of greeting," his finger tracing my lips, "I would have woken sooner."
I can feel them trembling and I see his smile fade and tears spill down my cheek at its loss.
"Rey, what is it?"
He pulls me into his arms and I can only bury my face against his chest, that sense of loss so overwhelming as I let him hold me, making soothing noises.
I lift my head, even as the tears continue to fall.
"Ben," a chocked sound, "it's morning."
Confusion in his dark eyes but quickly fading as he understands what I'm telling him.
Instead of letting me go, he holds me closer, burying his face in my neck.
"No."
A single word, such vehemence behind it that watery laughter escapes me.
At least I'm not alone in this.
He lifts his head, capturing my mouth and I don't resist, letting him steal my breath.
My nails dig into his back, his fingers almost bruising as he rolls over onto me, pinning me beneath his body.
We are so close now, every inch of us connected and it's not enough.
He lifts his head, dark fire in his eyes and he is breaking my heart all over again.
I cup his face, wanting nothing more than to erase the pain I see.
But I can't.
"I have to leave. I can't stay. I've been gone too long and they'll come looking for me."
Finn would definitely come looking and where Finn went, Poe was sure to be following close on his heels.
He closes his eyes and rests his forehead against mine.
"So...this is my punishment," quiet words, barely spoken past a whisper but I can hear the torment in then, "to keep losing you."
I want, desperately, to tell him he hasn't lost me. That I'm right here with him, but I don't.
Because I can't stay...and he won't leave.
Not for me, no matter how much I want him by my side.
He lifts his head...and tears that had finally stopped begin to flow as the mask of Kylo Ren is back in place.
He rolls off of me, coming swiftly to his feet.
I can see the rigid tension in his back, the bandages rustling as his hands squeeze into fists.
"I'll leave first," his voice is clipped, cool as though he hadn't just kissed me with such longing only seconds ago, "you can go shortly after that."
"Ben," I'm already sitting up in bed, reaching for him but he shakes his head.
"That name," he is speaking softly, his voice controlled to the point of being remote, "is no longer appropriate. I am...Kylo Ren."
He moves away from our bed, going into the main hold and I weep, softly into my arms.
I knew this had to happen...but I didn't know how much it would hurt when it did.
I dry my tears, collect my clothes as I change in the bathroom. Not the leather I came in.
There was no longer a reason to disguise who I was.
I slip into my normal clothes, the loose pants and wrapped tunic. I quickly pull my hair back into its usual style...and slip the cuff on my arm.
The one that Ben bought me only yesterday.
I move, my limbs heavy, to the main hull.
He is standing with his back to me, his arm braced on bulkhead, his head bowed.
"You...you can't leave dressed like that."
"I'm aware."
He lowers his arm and turns to face me and I am surprise at what I see in his gaze.
Neither Kylo Ren or Ben Solo ...but something of both men.
He hasn't quite managed to slip his mask on fully just yet.
It gives me hope, and courage to go to him.
The shirt I bought him is in my hands.
"You don't have your regular clothing," I tell him, "but this might help."
If he wore this shirt, along with the pants he had on now tucked into those black boots...it just might work.
"Will you put it on me?"
I want to cry, that's Ben asking me, and I nod. He lowers his head as I slip the shirt over, smoothing the fabric down his stomach as he slips his arms in.
It fits as well as I thought it would, the material sculpting his muscles with a loving hand.
He tucks the ends into the band of his pants as I bring over his boots.
By the time he is done I can see the image of Kylo Ren in his demeanor.
"Well?"
I swallow and do one last thing.
I push his hair away from his eyes and back away from him.
"You look like...Kylo Ren."
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We stand apart now.
First Order and Resistance.
I press the keypad, releasing the gangplank so he can leave the ship.
So I can leave.
He turns from me, the heavy tread of his boots like an echo of thunder and I can't stand him leaving like this.
"Ren!"
He turns and I'm already running across the hold, throwing myself in his arms as he catches me, my mouth on his.
He might be Kylo Ren right now, but he is still mine.
"Rey," my name a breath between us as we part and come back together, "Rey."
"Ren," tears spilling down my face as I bury my face in his neck, "I'll come back. I promise, I'll come back to you."
His arms around me are like a vice and I just want him to hold me closer.
"I'll be waiting," his voice next to my ear, his mouth on my skin, "so don't make it too long...or I'll come find you myself."
It should have been a threat, but it sounded like the sweetest of promises to me.
I nod my head and force myself to step away from him.
Our fingers tangled...the slip away as he moves down the ramp.
He looks back, only once, before disappearing.
I wait until he is completely out of sight before pulling the ramp back in.
I scrub the tears from my eyes and make my way to the pilots chair.
I begin my take off sequence before patching in to the control tower.
"Control this is the Recovery, requesting permission to leave."
"Recovery this is Control, do you have cargo to declare?"
I thought of the single item that I had come for.
"Negative Control, no cargo this time."
"One moment Recovery," static on the line as I wait, wondering if Ren will somehow force me to stay.
"You are clear to leave. Destination?"
That was...unusual.
"Rendezvous on the planet Sinta."
"Coordinates confirmed, you are free to go."
My ship in orbit, I don't dare let myself breath until I am out of the atmosphere.
Rey.
A fleeting, invisible caress along my lips and then it is gone.
I close my eyes, knowing that something irrevocably has changed between us.
Ren.
I wonder if he can feel my love for him...as much as I feel his for me.
Only time would tell.
I prayed the Force would be there for us.
