Chapter 5: Manfred von Karma Escapes Heaven and Becomes a Robot
Meanwhile, Manfred von Karma was in heaven. He was wearing a robe and wings and a halo. He was in heaven for the last 10 years, ever since he had died. Heaven was a cloud. Do you know what that means? It means the ground was a cloud.
Von Karma moved the cloud ground. He did it with his hands. He looked and he saw John Phoenix winning in court. That made von Karma shake in anger. How could Phoenix Wright's apprentice be better than his apprentice AKA Miles Edgeworth AKA Franziska von Karma? They were mere fools when compared with John Phoenix. Von Karma could tell just by looking that John Phoenix he was the greatest attorney who ever lived.
That was when von Karma decided it was time to escape to heaven and get his revenge. He had been planning his escape for many years, but heaven was very comfortable, and he was an old man, and loathe to leave. But now, with the advent of John Phoenix in court, he had a new impetus to escape heaven: to become a robot and defeat Phoenix Wright's protegee in court! It would be the ultimate humiliation to the man who had destroyed everything he had ever worked for.
So, von Karma went to his house in heaven. His house was a cloud. His house was bigger than most other angels' houses because he was more important than them, because during 40 year-long career as a prosecutor he had thrown many evil people in jail. That's why he got into heaven. His sins were minor in comparison.
He sat in his chair, which was made out of clouds. He opened a drawer, which was also made of clouds, in his desk, which also made of clouds. He reached his hand into the drawer and pulled out a piece of paper. But actually it was a piece of cloud, because there were no paper or wood or textiles or anything like that in heaven. Only clouds.
Von Karma looked at the paper AKA cloud. He read the words on the paper AKA cloud. He nodded in approbation. This was a brilliantly constructed plan. Of course it was; it was written by none other than Manfred von Karma, who was perfect. Everything he did was perfect. Writing plans to escape heaven was no exception.
Suddenly there was a knock at the door. Von Karma scowled, peeved at being interrupted, and returned the paper AKA cloud to the drawer and slammed it shut. He went to the door to receive his unwanted visitor.
"Hello, Manfred," said Damon Gant, who was also in heaven. "I was just on my way to my daily baseball game, and I thought I'd stop by to see if you'd care to join us. All the boys will be playing. We even convinced Godot to come out of his house for once and play."
"Hmph! Fool!" said Manfred von Karma. He looked over his shoulders cagily. "I don't have time for such foolish pursuits for foolish fools! I am escaping heaven today!"
"Escape heaven?" asked Gant. "Now, why the heck would you want to do that?"
"Isn't it obvious?" replied Manfred. "To get my revenge on Phoenix Wright!"
"Oh, in that case, count me in, old boy!" exclaimed Damon Gant. "I will also escape heaven."
"Good," said von Karma. He went and got the paper AKA cloud from the desk and handed it to Gant. "Familiarize yourself with this plan. It is the plan to escape heaven."
Gant read it. "Mmm hmm, yup, interesting... this is a brilliantly constructed plan, Manny."
"Von Karmas only deal in brilliantly constructed plans," replied von Karma. "What else would we deal in? Unbrillant plans?" He laughed at the absurdity of such an idea.
So, the two men snuck over to the gates leading out of heaven. They crouched behind a rock and waited. St. Peter was guarding the gate. Suddenly, his cellphone rang.
"Hello? Is that so? I'm on my way." He closed his cellphone and ran off.
"All part of my plan," whispered Karma whilst smiling in an evil way.
"How did you pull that off, Manny?" asked Gant.
"Hmph easy," replied the greatest prosecutor to ever live. "I had Wendy Oldbag call him from a phonebooth and tell him that god wanted to see him right away. I bribed her into doing it with a promise of killing Miles Edgeworth so he'd go to heaven and she can marry him."
"Ho ho ho!" Gant clapped. "What a brilliant plan! Now no one can stop us from escaping heaven!"
But just then, another angel came and stood in front of the gate. Manfred knitted his brow.
"I was afraid of this..." He took out a shiv. "It would seem that there is simply no other option." He flew at the newly arrived angel and stabbed him in the neck again and again until he was dead. Unfortunately for them, the murder was caught on the security cameras and the alarm system started blaring.
"Curses!" cursed von Karma. "There's no time to lose!" He took out a bundle of keys.
"Where'd you get those?" asked Gant.
"I stole St. Peter's keys years ago and had copies made," Manfred replied. He quickly began unlocking the gates. Suddenly a police officer ran over.
"Stop in the name of the law!" the police officer screamed.
While Karma was unlocking the gate, Gant used the shiv to murder the police officer. Then he took the officer's service weapon. Finally, the gates to heaven swung open.
"Let's go!" said von Karma. The two men ran out and dived into a hole in the cloud, which was actually a portal to earth. Just then, St. Peter returned and saw the evilness that had taken place in his absence.
"Good gracious!" exclaimed St. Peter. He ran out the gates and kneeled down and peered into the hole. He could see von Karma and Gant plummeting to earth.
"Come back, come back!" he cried.
But Karma only laughed evilly. "So long!" he said. And Damon Gant said farewell in a foreign language even though he isn't foreign.
St. Peter looked sadly down the hole. "You can never come back, you know," he said. "You're doomed to go to hell when you die."
Von Karma laughed. "Die? Me? I don't plan on that." He shook his finger at St. Peter. "Oh no no, I'm going to become a robot and live forever."
"Yeah," said Gant. "Me too."
And then they fell through the ozone layer and fell some more and lost sight of heaven.
"Watch out for that plane, Manny old boy," warned Gant.
"Hmph, I'm not blind!" was the reply. Just then von Karma spotted a flock of geese. An evil smile spread across his face. "Finally," he said, "an opportunity to kill living creatures again." He took the gun from Gant and fired several shots and killed the same number of geese. No more; he had to save the rest of the bullets for emergencies.
"Nice aim," said Gant in admiration. Now they could see the city lights beneath them. They were almost back to earth! They landed in a supermarket parking lot. Just then, John Phoenix's mother who was also his Uncle Phoenix's sister Mary who was a secret sister he only learned about 2 months ago dropped the groceries she was carrying.
"Are... are you angels?" she asked.
"Hmph," said von Karma. "No one may know I've escaped heaven." He took out the gun and shot her in the head. She fell onto the ground and died. Blood came out of her head. Von Karma laughed. Gant did not laugh. But he knew what von Karma did was for the greater good. So they ran away to the secret hideout.
John Phoenix's mother continued to be dead in the parking lot.
She was dead.
BONUS EMOJIS
π¨ Von Karma
π Damon Gant
π΅οΈSt. Peter
