Disclaimer: I do NOT own ANY part of Final Fantasy VII in any way, shape or form. I own NOTHING!
CHAPTER 19:
DENZEL
It is like we have gone through portal and have entered a weird alternate reality where Cloud is Tifa and Tifa is Cloud. Their roles have totally reversed, but I also have this strange sense of deja vu. Seventh Heaven feels like it did when Cloud and I had Geostigma. It isn't as bad, of course. The atmosphere is uncomfortably familiar, though. When you come into the bar, you feel that bleak weight blanket you. You feel the strain and the tension. You feel that things are not what they should be.
I feel out of place. Things between Cloud, Marlene, and I have never been better. But at the same time, I feel…separate. With Barret here more and more, Marlene has been spending a lot of time with him. With all the new baby stuff, Cloud and Tifa are forming a new entity. There are these subfamilies that have formed within our original family, and I don't fit into any of them.
So I avoid all of them.
Since I'm no longer grounded (released early for good behavior), I've gotten back into the habit of not coming home until I absolutely have to. I'm either with Millie, Yuffie, or Rick. Other interactions at home give me anxiety or make me uncomfortable. It's just easier to not be here.
The tension with Cloud, Tifa, and the pregnancy was enough, but now I'm worrying about Barret and Marlene too.
With Barret moving back to Edge, I wonder if that means he will want Marlene back too. Will he want more time? Will he want her to stay here with him when we move? Would she stay with him even if he did? Would Cloud and Tifa let him? Could this become a custody battle?
I doubt it will come to that. Barret, Tifa, and Cloud are too close and have been through too much for that. But I can picture a shift. Marlene might feel pressured to be with Barret more. She might even want to be with him more, which means she will be with us less, which will isolate me more. I'll be this extra appendage hanging awkwardly onto the new family unit only made up of Cloud, Tifa, and their baby.
For some reason, I do the opposite of what I probably should do. I should try to spend more time with Marlene, right? I should try to make the most of the time we have and try to strengthen all our relationships, right? But no… I distance myself in a strange act of defiance I don't fully understand, but I follow it anyway. I guess I've decided that if I'm going to be the odd man out, I might as well embrace it.
When I get home from school, there's no sign of Yuffie, which is disappointing. I was hoping she'd be here so we could go somewhere together. Yuffie is always up for an adventure, and I've been taking full advantage of that.
Sometimes, I think she knows that I'm trying to get away. If she does know, she doesn't say anything, and I like that. I don't feel the urge to explain myself with her.
Without Yuffie as an option, I speed through my homework, and the instant I'm done, I head for the door. I don't have a destination in mind. I'll figure it out later (another trick I've learned from Yuffie).
"Are you already done with your homework?" Tifa watches me with a knitted brow as she continues sipping at her soup on the other side of the bar. Her hair seems longer and thicker. She almost glows but not quite. You still get the feeling something is wrong whenever you look at her.
"Yea. Can I go now?" I'm already halfway out.
She mulls it over, tapping her spoon along the edge of the bowl. "Why don't you stay in with us tonight? You've been gone a lot lately. I've barely seen you."
"What does that have to do with anything? I've done my homework. My grades are okay. I'm not getting in trouble at school."
"I know, and I'm proud of you for doing so well. I just think you should be here tonight. We can do something you'd like," she suggests with a small smile.
"But why?" I tug at the door impatiently, seriously considering opening it just so I can slam it.
Tifa sighs. "Because I said so, Denzel. It's a school night, and you're still just 13. I don't think it's good for you to be out this much."
"You're not my mother." It is as swift as the strike of a snake, and I regret it instantly.
She just blinks, as if accepting what I've said is true. In a way, it is. Tifa isn't my mother… But she is. In fact, Tifa's face has become the face I see when I think about a mother - my mother.
When someone says I need a parent's permission, her face is what pops into my brain. When I'm hungry, I think of her. Anything maternal in nature is automatically associated with Tifa.
My mother's image has slowly faded in my brain even though Cloud and Reeve managed to track down a picture of my parents for me. The woman in the picture is kind of like a stranger. Sometimes I struggle to remember her voice even though I can still vividly remember things she said.
I feel even worse because Tifa and I have discussed this together. She has told me stories of how she mourned her mother and how hard it was for her. She has always done her best to preserve my mother's – my real mother's – memory because she tried fought to preserve her mom's memory too. It is something we have in common, something we have bonded over.
Tifa shrinks, and I know I've hurt her.
Slowly, she puts down her bowl of soup and backs away from the table. She looks young as she leaves the room without saying a word, folding her arms over the bulge of her stomach as if she's ashamed of it.
"Tifa…"
She doesn't hear me. If she does, which she very well might, she doesn't answer me.
"Tifa!" I call louder, bounding after her.
The door of their bedroom shuts just before I reach it.
For a while, I think about knocking and going in anyway. I awkwardly alternate between almost knocking and grabbing the doorknob, but in the end, I don't do either. I just walk away defeated before rushing down the hall to Marlene's room.
By the time I get there, I am downright sick.
"I've messed up. I've messed up bad…" I pace in the doorway, tugging roughly at my hair.
Marlene puts her notebook down and sits upright, giving me her full attention. "What'd you do?"
"I snapped at Tifa."
Unimpressed, she waits for me to continue. "And? You've snapped before."
"Not like this. I told her she wasn't my mom."
"Denzel!" she cries, throwing a pillow at me.
I hold my hands up to shield myself. "I know! I know! I suck!"
"Why would you do that?! You know how she's been lately!" Marlene runs out of pillows, so she starts throwing stuffed animals.
I agree. The timing is horrible. Tifa has obviously been struggling with some form of depression. The doctor even said her condition was functional or mental. The last thing she needed right now was a verbal slap from me.
"I-I don't know. She wouldn't let me go out and… I don't know. Okay? I don't know. It was stupid and impulsive. I was annoyed, and I guess I wanted to hurt her."
"She's hurting enough as it is. She doesn't need you making it worse."
"I know." I slump to the floor, slowly picking up the stuffed animals and tossing them back onto her bed.
Firmly, she points down the hallway. "Go tell her you're sorry."
"I tried. She shut the door on me."
Marlene goes white, and I follow her eyes to the doorway to see Cloud standing there casually.
"What's going on?" he asks, already smelling a rat.
I'm scared. I'm genuinely scared. He's going to be mad, and he is terrifying once he is actually mad. Cloud, I've learned over the years, has a silent, seething anger.
Marlene must be scared too because she stays as quiet as I do.
He doesn't budge. He just waits. It is torture, and no one can accuse Cloud of being impatient. I can tell he is willing to stand here as long and awkwardly as it takes to get the truth.
"Uh, well…" I begin reluctantly.
"What'd you do?" His gaze is piercing, sharp, and intense. Those Mako eyes have seen through us like they always do.
"Something I shouldn't have…"
Cloud blinks, unfazed. "I've gathered that much. Go on."
"...To Tifa…"
"Mm."
"I lost my temper and said, 'You aren't my mother.'" It gets worse every time I repeat it.
His eyes widen briefly, but he keeps that eerily calm expression on his face.
"You need to talk to her," he says matter-of-factly.
"She won't talk to me," I grumble, folding my arms over my knees and sinking further into the floor. I want to disappear. Maybe the shame will swallow me up. If it does, I won't have to worry about this anymore.
"Give her time. Trust me. I speak from experience." His eyes soften, but his voice is still pretty stern. He isn't happy with me. He doesn't have to say so. It's obvious.
"Are you mad?" I ask.
He waits a moment before answering. "I'm not mad. I'm just hurt that you'd do something like that."
Of course... He's not mad. He's just disappointed...
"I didn't mean it…" I argue lamely.
"But you still said it, so now you have to deal with that."
Cloud is truly a master at making you feel like he has yelled at you without actually yelling at you. My dad was more of the actually yell type. He didn't yell a lot. He was a pretty mellow guy too, but he was vocal whenever he got angry. Cloud isn't like that at all, but that kind of makes it worse. Sometimes I wish he would just yell. I think that would make me feel less guilty. It would make me feel like the worst is over instead of constantly wondering what might happen or if another form of punishment is coming.
"Am I in trouble?" I want him to say it and get it over with. I want the torture to end. I want to be in trouble, so I can get off the hook.
He leans in the doorway silently a moment before shrugging. "I think that's more Tifa's call than mine."
It's the next morning before I see Tifa again, but I wasn't actually able to talk to her. I didn't know what to say anyway, so I took some toast to go and snuck out the back. I figured it would be best for me to just go to school and deal with Tifa later.
Going to school was pretty pointless, though. I sulk, worry, and feel guilty most of the day. I am quiet and broody as I play out several potential scenarios in my head, trying to figure out the best way to clean up this mess. I'm so distracted I'm barely aware of what is happening at school at all. The whole day goes by in a gray blur.
"You should just be honest with her," Marlene suggests as we make our way home, slowly. I am moving at a glacial pace as if time will give me a magical solution to all this.
"I don't even know what that would mean!" I throw my head back and roughly rake my hands through my hair as we weave through the crowds lingering around the school grounds.
"Just tell her how you feel."
"I feel awful, obviously."
"Then tell her that." Marlene shrugs as if it's that simple.
"I don't know if I can tell her that…"
"Why not?"
"It's…complicated…" I check traffic before making a dash to the other side of the street so we can cut through a nearby, messy alleyway. I've decided to take the long way home through the market. Marlene simply follows my lead, already knowing I'm trying to buy more time.
"I still think just explaining will be best. She'll understand."
"Old Tifa would. I don't know about new Tifa." I stop at a nearby fruit stand and eye some of the Banora white apples stacked meticulously on top of each other.
Marlene frowns but doesn't disagree. She knows how hit and miss Tifa has been lately. You never really know who you'll get.
We waste a little more time at the market buying apples and a few other grocery items that might help butter Tifa up before we continue the walk home.
Yuffie and Barret are at the bar serving the afternoon regulars. There is no sign of Cloud or Tifa, though. I doubt Cloud is done with his deliveries, so this is the best window I'll have to talk to Tifa.
After quickly helping Marlene bring in and put away the groceries, I go looking for her.
She's in the garage sitting at Cloud's messy desk looking at some paperwork. Her brow is tight and her fingers are tapping nervously at the edge of the paper.
"Tifa…" I ease through the doorway, tossing my backpack to the ground.
"Hm?" She doesn't look at me or break concentration. She just continues sorting through the papers in front of her, marking some of them with red ink as she goes.
"Can we…talk for a minute?" I probe, testing the waters, trying to get a better read on her mood.
Tifa's eyes finally leave the paperwork and connect with mine. There is some light in them. She seems to be a bit more like herself today. She's more alert and present, which I'm hoping will work in my favor.
She shifts in the chair, tugging her white tank top down over her baby bump as she turns to face me. "Sure."
"I'm…really sorry. I shouldn't have said what I said yesterday." I take a few slow, steady steps forward.
She sighs. "I've just been trying to figure out why you chose to lash out at me that way. With everything going on around here lately, I can understand you biting back. I still don't approve of the disrespectful behavior, but it wouldn't have been as…" she pauses, looking up and away as she carefully chooses her next word "…cruel."
"I didn't mean it." I look down at my feet because I can't stand the pain on her face.
Silence passes between us, rapidly filling in the holes our uncertainty has created.
"But…" I hesitate. "…I mean…"
Tifa subtly tilts her head to the side as she listens intently, waiting for me to continue.
I swallow hard. My eyes burn. "You aren't my mom, but you are my mom…"
Stunned, she looks at me in disbelief.
I've never called her this intentionally. Not once. Sure, it has slipped out over the years. She never made a big deal out of it, though. She wouldn't even flinch. She has always been so considerate about that kind of thing. She never pushed me to look at her as a mother. Tifa was just whatever we needed her to be, which most of the time meant she was our mom.
No one can take my mom's place. Ever. A part of me will always fight to hold onto her and deeply cherish all my memories of her, but Tifa has this part of me now too.
It's complicated. Confusing. Conflicting. I've never known how to feel about it. Sometimes I feel guilty, like it isn't fair to share those feelings with someone who isn't my mom, but they are here. Despite all the changes and uncertainty, these feelings for Tifa grow stronger by the day
"Denzel…" she finally says once she regains her composure, "You don't have to say that to make me feel better. A simple apology will work."
"But…I mean it. That's why it bothers me that I said what I said. I mean, don't get me wrong. You're just...Tifa, you know? But you're a lot more than that too." I lightly kick at my backpack.
Tifa places a hand over her heart. "Denzel, you aren't required to think of me as your mom. You know that."
My throat tightens. "But…I…want to."
I didn't know I'd say that. I hadn't thought it. I didn't know that was even in me until it came stumbling out.
I wipe roughly at my eyes before they do something stupid. "Just sometimes, you know?"
Tifa is hugging me. I'd been so focused on fighting tears that I hadn't even noticed her get up.
I flinch, at first. I go rigid. Tifa and I don't hug. Not really. And not like this. But the moment she squeezes me, the tears become hotter and more annoying. Her hug is so tight, warm, and loving. She's soft and smells like vanilla and toasted sugar, the smell I associate with her, the smell I associate with some of my most comforting memories.
"You aren't losing me," she says softly. "I know it probably feels like it right now…"
Since I got in trouble at school, Tifa and Cloud have continually given me encouragement and reassurance about my place in this family. They've been very open about everything going on, but this is the first time Tifa has confronted this particular issue, and when she does, something in me splinters.
Like a mother, Tifa knows things before I really know them myself. She just saw right into my soul, seeing that deep, boiling fear I have of losing yet another parent or caretaker. Yes, I've been nervous about losing them in different ways since I found out Tifa was pregnant, but lately, I've been afraid of losing Tifa specifically. She's been so sickly and frail. It has been like having a stranger wearing Tifa's skin wander around our home.
Tifa is our rock. Tifa is always there whenever you need her, ready to jump in and provide in any way that she can. We have never been without her before. Tifa has been the only constant in my life since my parents died, and it wasn't until she held me that I realized just how terrified I've been of losing that. Those are the fears causing all this anger and sabotage.
"I know I haven't been myself and that things between us haven't always been easy, but I love you more than you'll ever know."
A hot tear streaks down my face as I lean into her shoulder. I can't help it. Everything that has been swarming around angrily inside me for months finally reaches its boiling point. I'm crying like a kid who falls and scrapes their knee but doesn't know how hurt he is until he sees his mother coming over to check on him.
"I love you too." I've missed her - the real her, the one we've been so deprived of lately. "I'm sorry… I'm really sorry…"
"It's okay. I'm sorry too," she murmurs, her voice sounding more like her own.
I let her hold me for a long time, longer than I ever have before. I probably would have stayed against her longer if I hadn't felt the very gentle nudging between us.
She pulls back laughing breathlessly. "Did you feel that?"
My eyes widen. "Was that the baby?"
Quickly - as if she is afraid the moment will fizzle out - she grabs my hand and puts it on the lower left side of her stomach.
Everything is silent. There isn't clamor from the bar or even the sound of traffic outside.
I don't feel anything at first. Then there is a soft thumping and rolling against my hand.
"Whoa!" I laugh too and instinctively press a bit harder. The baby responds immediately, pushing back at my hand.
"Marlene is going to be devastated. She wanted so badly to be the first to feel the baby from the outside." Tifa reaches out and wipes the tears that linger on my face.
She's right. Marlene's goal in life has been to be the first to feel the baby move. She has tried every trick in the book with bleak results. The baby has been reluctant about making movements aggressive enough to be felt from the outside.
"I guess she didn't like me pushing against her for so long," I say, still touching Tifa's belly and not feeling uncomfortable or awkward at all.
"Yuffie is probably right. They're going to be just like Cloud. He's the same way. He won't make a fuss until he's really annoyed."
Warmth swells up inside me. This is the first time I feel I've made a real, solid connection with the baby. I finally feel like a sibling instead of this outsider or intruder. I go into a weird, suspended place of shock, but I also feel…protective and proud.
"Do you want a girl?" She watches my face earnestly.
"Huh?"
"You said she earlier."
"I did?"
Tifa smiles. "Mm-hmm."
"Oh. I guess. I don't really care." I pull my hands away from her stomach and shove them into my pockets.
Still smiling affectionately at me, ruffling my already messy hair and squeezing my shoulder before she goes back to the desk to resume her work.
Something shifts between Tifa and I. It's palpable, and I end up picking my backpack off the floor and staying with her in the garage to do my homework.
A/N: Thanks so much for reading and reviewing!
I hope all of you are well and that this chapter has brightened your day in some way. I appreciate all of the support and encouragement so much. You keep me going and truly are so special to me. Just wanted to remind you :)
Thanks, as always, for everything!
