Dear Lame Journal,
I was scrolling through Facebook and had a horrible thought. I looked up Kermit Hart. My father.
I guess I thought I would see him old, fat and bald. But when I saw his picture it was like...a part of me died inside. I recognized his face and suddenly my mind was flooded with the memories of him. That time he and mom fought in the middle of a McDonald's on my 6th birthday. That time in the car when he didn't say a word to me. And the time he left and never came back.
His new wife was pretty. But so not as pretty as my mom. Then I saw...his other kids. A little blonde-haired and blue-eyed girl and a small baby wrapped in a blue blanket.
I started crying, but I couldn't stop myself from looking at all the pictures. MY DAD with THOSE KIDS. At meet the teacher day. At Chuck E. Cheese's. At freaking Disneyland.
And he looked so happy.
I just couldn't understand it. I thought my dad was just incapable of love. But now I'm feeling like he just didn't love me.
I cried myself to sleep.
%%%%
I was a bit dazed at school when I bumped into, Back Of The Room Brenda, and knocked her books down.
"Oh I'm sorry," I said, bending down to help her.
"It's okay Maya." She says, smiling at me.
I nodded and walked inside the classroom.
Matthews stood in front of the class, "Well, guys. I've got your papers on Darwin to give back to you, and uh, I'm pleased to see some of you have...evolved...since the last quiz."
He waits for the students to laugh, but no one does. Expect a pity laugh from Farkle.
He hands me my paper, "Ms. Hart."
I was surprised to see an F. I was expecting a C minus or at least a D. I know I shouldn't expect him to play favorites, but I kinda think he does. It's really hard to see Riley getting an A when she literally lives in the guy. Sometimes I wonder if this whole thing is even legal.
"You okay?" Riley asks me.
"He gave me an F."
"That's nuts, you're a solid D student."
"Mr. Friar, I took particular note of your position that evolution does not preclude the existence of... How did you put it?" Matthews asked.
"A guiding hand that has your best interest at heart," Lucas said.
And all of a sudden Mr. Matthews LIKES Lucas?
"You failed me," I yelled out.
I ignored the looks from my classmates. Like they weren't used to this by now.
"Why don't we talk about this after class?
"What's there to talk about? You failed me." I stood up and grabbed my bag, "You think I'm a failure. There's nothing more for you to teach me."
Everyone is confused. Maya storms out.
%%%%%%
I started crying at the subway station. God, why was I crying all the time?
I was getting looks from people so I was trying to hide my face.
I called Shawn and was surprised to hear a woman's voice.
"Bonjour."
She was speaking what I think was French.
"Shawn? Can I speak to Shawn?"
Then I heard Shawn voice speaking French then the woman giggling.
"Hey, Maya."
"Who is that?"
"Just a girl... we just woke up so she thought my phone was hers. "
Just woke up?
"But you're gay." I just blurted out without thinking.
"I never said I was gay," He chuckled. "I'm sexually fluid. I like guys and I like girls."
"That's possible?"
"Bisexuality is very possible."
"Hey raccoon girl."
I turned around to see Crazy Hat on the bench.
"So Maya what's up?"
"Um...nothing. We'll chat later."
I hung up and I sat down next to Crazy Hat.
"What's going on raccoon girl?"
"It's stupid."
"Try me. I've heard a lot of stupid things."
"I got an F on a paper."
"So school is important to you?"
"No... it's more about...who gave me the F."
"Well, who gave it to you?"
"Riley's dad. The dope."
"Wait, I thought you two were in the same class."
"We are. Her dad is our history teacher."
She raises her eyebrows confused.
"He and I have a complicated relationship."
"How hard did you work on that paper?"
"Well no, I didn't. I just threw in a bunch of sentences from the textbook."
"Then maybe that's why you got an F. Because you deserved it."
I closed my eyes and put my hand on my forehead. Maybe, just maybe...this was just about a paper...but Mr. Matthews still failed me.
The subway car stops. Crazy Hat stood up.
"You want to come over for dinner? Jerry is making pork chops."
Though Crazy Hat wasn't a complete stranger anymore, and I kind of wanted to see who Jerry was, I just didn't feel like it. I shook my head.
%%%%%
I knocked on the Matthews door. I had to get answers.
Mrs. Matthews opens the door, "Hey."
"Will Mr. Matthews ever speak to me again?"
Mrs. Matthews frowns, "Maya, of course. Maya, Mr. Matthews will always be there for you. Why would you ever think that?"
I stared at her and my eyes swelled up.
"Maya?" Mr. Matthews calls out, "Come in."
"Am I a failure?"
Mrs. Matthews puts her arms around me, "No Maya. You are not."
"Maya, come here." Mr. Matthews says putting a piece of paper on the kitchen table.
It was my essay.
"Let's go through this paper together."
"I don't want to."
"Sit down." Riley barked.
"Can we talk alone?" I whispered to Mr. Matthews.
He nodded.
He motioned me into his small study.
Matthews hands me the paper.
"Darwin's animal studies happened when he traveled on a boat with the Beatles."
"What did you mean to say?" Matthew asked. Like he really didn't know.
"Darwin studied animals."
"What kind?"
"I don't know."
"What kind?"
"Birds…Finches."
"Good. What was the name of his boat?"
"The Beatles."
"The Beagle, it's a tiny difference, but an important one. Because if you know it, Maya, you don't fail."
"Where did he study them?"
"Galapagos. The islands he studied were the Galapagos."
He smiled at me, "You really do listen to me."
He takes a red pen and writes on my paper.
"Are you giving me an A?"
"No, I'm giving you a redo. I'm giving you a chance to turn in a new paper. I want you to see how easily an F can become an A."
%%%%
As I walked home, Shawn called me.
"Hey, kid. Everything okay?"
"I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"Getting all up in your business."
He chuckles, "It's okay I'm used to it."
"Why can't we talk to our best friends about everything? I mean Isn't that in the job description?" I asked him.
"I guess because no one can be someone's everything. Maybe one human being just can't handle that much."
"Did your dad have other kids?" I ask changing the subject.
"Oh, a couple ...why?"
"My dad has a new baby."
"Oh," he stumbled.
"And I hate it. Like this baby enrages me. Is it wrong to hate a baby?"
"No. Maya that's...reasonable."
"It just works better when I see him as this horrible person who just can't be a dad."
"I know."
We were silent for a few minutes. I walked by the dumpster to see the raccoons digging through the trash.
"So Maya," Shawn finally started talking again."...mind if I tell you something...something stupid."
"Sure Hunter."
"But you can't tell anyone. Not Cory. Not Riley. And especially not Farkle."
Farkle? Why would Shawn care about him?
"I promise."
"I no longer see the rainbows and bunnies around Cory."
I stopped in my tracks.
"Whoa. Since when?"
"Since I went out with Minkus. I mean I've been to hundreds of dates but I always went back to Cory. And if you would have told me years ago that I would go out on a date with...Stuart Minkus, I would have probably beat you up."
"But why..."
"Minkus doesn't keep me in the box like Cory does. With Cory, it's all about nostalgia and how we used to be. But with Minkus...he knows my past but when he talks to me...he sees me as I am now."
"So you're in love with him now?"
"No. Not love. But maybe it could be someday."
%%%%%
When I got home the first thing I saw was my mom.
"Hey baby, I got you a patty melt."
I stared at her and just blurted out, "Did you know that dad has a new baby?"
Mom blinked really fast, staring at her cheeseburger, "No I didn't."
"I looked at his Facebook page."
Weirdly enough she was the only I could talk to about this.
"Oh, Maya."
"He looks so happy in their pictures. Why does he get to be happy when we're miserable? It's not fair."
"Maya that's not true," she said, trying to confront me.
"It's not fair. It's not fair that everybody else gets 2 parents and I barely get point five."
"Maya." she barked.
"You heard me."
I slammed my door. I opened my backpack and dumped everything inside of it on the floor. Then I was slamming my backpack on my bed. Trying to make myself feel better.
"Maya." I heard my mother call.
I ignored her and kept slamming it until I got a good amount of energy out. I laid out on my bed for a while. I rolled over to check the mystery painting.
Nothing. She hadn't been working on it for the last 3 weeks. I'm starting to worry about her.
