Chapter 12: Destiny Lies Ahead
P O V: Olivia Benson
Fr a moment, I stand in silence Noah's small hand in my larger one. Alex is standing behind us, her hand resting on my shoulder. Beth Anne and Kimberly on either side of us. I watch Amanda, who looks so small in her hospital bed, laughing with her friends.
How is it she had this whole life with friends I have never met. She looks so thin, so pale tubes and wires come from all angles of her body, her breathing is labored each coughing fit makes it harder for her to get air causing her to gasp louder each breath she tries to take.
"Liv?" the surprised tone in her voice chokes me up, helping me to snap back to attention. Has she honestly been doubting my acceptance? Have I stayed away too long? "Speak woman speak," Kim's closed fist slams into my side, lower back she whispers the command into my ears. Clearing my throat, I step forward, "Hey, Amanda. I am so sorry it took me this long to come to find you."
"Coffee sounds grand darlin'."
"Love it, bitch, you're buying."
"I gotta pee."
"Oh, my phone, it's ringing." "No, it's not Presley." "Ring….Ring. Answer me, bitch! See, it's ringing!"
"Girl, you are tripping." Everyone suddenly has an excuse as to why they have to leave, "Hey, Kid, you like ice cream?" "My name is Noah, not kid, and what kid doesn't like ice cream?" We find ourselves alone in the room. My eyes scan for nurses since I am not supposed to be in here when I see it's clear; I close the door hurrying over to Amanda's bed, settling on it.
She struggles to sit up further but refuses my help stubborn as always "So why did it take you so long?" How do I answer this question without hurting her or this friendship? "Fear." It's simple but true, catching her attention. "I've never faced a situation like this, Amanda."
"You've had women tell you that they liked you before Liv."
"Yes, I have had women tell me that. Women I have barely known this is different; you're one of my closet friends. You're a subordinate. It's a tougher circumstance." "If this is some kind of rejection speech, Liv save it, spare me I have no energy left, I am running out of time, I don't have anything left to nurse a broken heart, this is why I left. So I could at least die with some sort of hope."
"No Mandy, please listen to me it's not a rejection, I know I should have connected sooner silence isn't the answer."
"No, Liv, it isn't your silence hurt."
"I'm honored you choose me, Amanda, to be the person you came out to in New York." She's searching me unsure where I am heading. "I'm not even sure this is unchecked territory to me."
"I'm easy enough to connect with Olivia; I have a cell phone, email, social media you said nothing."
"Because what I have to say shouldn't be broadcasted across the net. It needs to be said face to face, honey." My lips twitch in nerves, my stomach moans with intense nausea. "So, what is it you have to say, Olivia?" She's trying to be brave to remain calm, but I see the hope dancing in her eyes God, please don't let me crush it. I feel her hands slip into mine.
"I've been fighting with my heart for days Amanda in how I feel, what I should feel. What I should say ever since Ed took his life it's as if a light has gone out in my soul."
"I haven't been able to eat or sleep without nightmares I find myself crying over the simplest of things out of sheer frustration or hopelessness. I feel the weakest I have ever felt in my whole life. It's scary, Amanda. I feel worthless as if I will never measure up or be good enough or as good as I use to be as when I was younger. I gave up on ever being purely loved for me."
She tries to open her mouth, but my fingers cover her lips, silencing her. "Until your letter Amanda I honestly felt lost. You reminded me I do matter. That I have a right to feel angry betrayed or sad that I have a right to question why, however."
"You made me feel beautiful you told me how you see me as strong badass you reminded me I am loved; I belong I am not frail or weak I could picture your arms holding me protecting me from rough waters keeping me anchored to a harbor upon the shore."
"Is this another dream? It has to be beautiful events like this don't happen to me." her shock destroys my heart; she honestly doesn't think she's worth being loved or that it could happen to her. Who hurt her so badly they shattered her confidence? "You love me?" her voice has become so small insecure, my heart nearly stops. I love you three simple yet powerful words they've started wars, inspired countless movies and songs. People put so much empathize on these three words without feelings or meaning they are just empty promises. I can't lie to her as much as she needs to hear them as sick as she is, I have to stay true to myself, to how I feel which is confused and petrified.
Her eyes are ocean waves swimming in hopes of high tides. God, I have to be the cruise ship to ripple her waves I'm starting to hate cruise ships. "Amanda, you've been a lighthouse to me guiding my lost ship to the shore." she's getting tired I can see she's drained God, I need just to get it out. Say the words already, end both our pain, why is it so hard?
"I'm not in love with you, Amanda," the hope in her eyes becomes a lost ship at sea. Tears mist over her eyes once again, I am hurting her without meaning to I feel how I feel though I can't deny it. "I'm still prepossessing Tucker's death; it's a lot to take in right now; it's overwhelming. What I want you to know though, is that even though I am not in love with you, sweetheart, I accept you, I love you as a friend and a coworker."
"Mandy love is complicated; it takes its own path; it can't be rushed or pointed into a forced path; it will come to each of us when God plans for it to come. Maybe down the line when my heart has healed, maybe then it can start to find new love. I am not opposed to same-sex relationships Amanda, I may have never been in one myself, but the idea of being in love with a woman isn't gross to me. It doesn't make me run in fear. I think what Alex and Casey have is so special and so lovely I would love to have their relationship with someone. So what I am asking you, sweetheart is to give me the time to process."
"I'm not asking you to feel anything you don't feel Liv or to rush your path. I understand it's hard, of course, you have my support, my love. Right now, anything you can give to me is more than enough, Olivia. I respect you. This means so much, Liv. Thank you." Amanda slips into my arms, which ache from missing her so much.
"So you've been in love with me since you were seventeen, huh?" she groans, burying her head into her hands coughing, "Who told you that? I will kill them."
"Aisling and your mom."
"I think it's cute; I am flattered that you have loved me that long Amanda, I am not young or beautiful anymore."
"Olivia Margaret Benson, you are gorgeous to me and have always been." "Age is only a number darlin' you are timeless. Your beauty never fades Liv because it comes from inside of you." "I've seen you chase subjects, so you ain't moving like your old."
I can only smile at her remembering the man I chased earlier this week "thank you, Amanda, so now getting serious sweetheart, have you made a decision yet about getting the transplant?"
"That's an excellent question, Amanda." Dr. Callisto comes into the room, breezing in with Kim and Beth Anne behind her. "Is there a chance it could still work Dr. Callisto with my latest development?"
"Your alive sweetheart that is enough for me to keep hoping as long as you keep fighting I will keep fighting to get you into remission. We do have to move fast, though. If you want the transplant, we need to start you on a high dosage of Chemotherapy. You'll need time to get your system ready."
Amanda looks to me "Liv this isn't going to be pretty Chemo is brutal on a person's body I don't want you to watch me suffer, you've already lost Tucker." "honey, please don' worry about me. I'll be fine."
"You say that all the time it doesn't make it true, your hurting you deserve to have someone hold you comfort you have a shoulder to cry on someone to love me. I know you, Olivia, you'll cast aside your own pain, fear to take care of me. That's not what I want."
Her concern touches me. She's going through so much right now, yet her focus is on my pain "Let's make a pact Amanda to each other. To not hide our pain or how we are feeling with each other, always to be honest no matter how brutal."
"I can do that, but don't you have to get back to New York?"
"No honey Fin's running the unit, Erin Lindsay stepped up to help us out, and Munch came out of retirement to help I'm here to focus on you, honey." "What about Noah? He's missing school and dance." "He's fine, honey it'll be good for him to get out of the city now stop changing the subject."
"Sorry, Liv, I'm just not used to this."
"What's that?" "Someone caring."
"Well, get used to it, sweetheart, cause I am not going anywhere. I'm here now, and I care."
"Dr. Callisto?"
"So, in preparation for you saying yes, I already started getting people tested." Her Mom arches her eyebrow "who got tested?"
"Noah did, honey." her eyes shoot up. "Noah, he's seven. That's way too much for a kid to endure Liv."
I squeeze her hand in reassurance "I talked to Dr. Callisto with Noah there's minimal pain involved for the donor and Noah understands all of it he wants to help, so if he is a match Amanda I will allow him to donate. Please don't fight me on this"
"I also got tested along with Fin, Kat and Erin they set up a community drive in New York for the community to donate to help a sister in blue." "But I am not a cop anymore I quit." "Oh, you did I don't remember getting any official paperwork stating that I only got some letter stating you needed vacation time. Erin also asked her friends in Chicago to come out and get tested, Firehouse 51 even set up a community drive out there."
She lays her head on my shoulder, allowing me to trace my fingers over her body, feeling her exhale "I got tested to sissy." Amanda's head snapped back into Kimberly's direction. Their Mom is as shocked as Amanda. "You got tested, Kimberly?"
"Yes, Mother, I am old enough to make my own choices I want to help my sister; she's my family, my blood. I have hope mama." she comes closer, taking Amanda's hands "We've been through a lot one thing I learned is you have to love something about where you come from. I love you, Amanda, I love our cousins, they've all come out to get tested too. Even Carrie."
"I believe God will come through I believe there's a reason he sent Liv to me. I think I will be the one to come through. I honestly think it's why Mom never let me get tested when I was a kid sissy. God plans to lead us to this moment; he gave me clarity now. I know I have to get clean to be a better mom, to be the sister you deserve after everything I did to you, and you always came through for me. Now it's my turn to come through for you; I believe I will be a match. We're sisters, Amanda, we have each other's backs."
"Your not sisters Kimberly's."
Beth Anne's words stop all of us cold Kim is the first to react "Of course she is!"
"No Kimberly she's not, Amanda is not our biological child I won't go into details I won't incriminate myself all I will say is you won't be a match for Amanda. You're not sisters, so quit talking bullshit and let the doctors search for someone who could actually be a match."
Beth Anne walks out without so much of a word towards Amanda, leaving a devastated Kimberly who's tears fall in rapid succession. "We're not sisters?" Amanda has little time to even think about everything that has been said before Kimberly rushes off in tears. Amanda, honey." I stop talking when I notice she's hyperventilating and quickly call for help.
The room fills with medical professionals quickly. I take Amanda's hand, rubbing it gently, kissing it. "I'm here, Amanda, right here, sweetie. Relax and let the team help you. Don't focus on what your Mom said, not right now. Focus on my eyes; I won't leave you. I love you." the nurses slip some medication into her IV to help ease her. An oxygen mask is placed over her mouth to ease her discomfort. How much does God expect her to take? My heart breaks for her as I look into her eyes, seeing the vulnerability of fear and confusion.
My brain won't stop spinning with this latest development. The cop in me is instantly going over every detail in how Beth Anne said the words, the tone." "No Kimberly she's not, Amanda is not our biological child I won't go into details I won't incriminate myself all I will say is you won't be a match for Amanda."
This means however, Amanda came into this family was not legal, so where did Amanda come from? What does this mean to Amanda if she has no biological relatives to be a match. Who is Amanda Rollins? I am determined to get these answers kissing her hand. I watch as her eyes close when the medication takes effect. I need to strong for Amanda. I need to be her rock.
A/N: Thank you everyone for the love, support I am working on this fic in my notebook and I'm now caught up to what I have posted. So I will try to update when I can maybe a bit till the next update.
