At some point, before I'm truly able to process it, initiation comes to an end. It's unmemorable, unremarkable, and everything that comes after that is a blur. I literally cannot remember what events aligned to lead to me working where I am, a dull gray office in which there is absolutely nothing of interest at all. I'm sitting in a chair, in a cubicle, staring off into nothing. I'm not quite sure how long I've been here, but I already look forward to going home. My friends are all probably off doing interesting things with their lives, something more worthwhile. I brushed over a picture of Eliza in the newspaper yesterday, something about her being the fastest progressing intern already on her way to a position at Jeanine's side. My family all has their own things to occupy themselves with to; work, weddings, children. We spend time together occasionally but what's the point when I can't answer the simple question 'what have you been up to?' with anything worthwhile?
What was the point of trying so hard in initiation if this was where I was going to end up? My rank didn't even wind up mattering, it was just something to boost my ego. Except I did so unremarkably that it doesn't even do that.
Wasn't I supposed to do things with my life? Make my parents proud of me, make me proud of myself?
I am fine, I am free, but I am only just. I cannot say with any certainty if it was worth it. I threw away everything for Dauntless, to chase down the grand adventure I knew was out beyond my family's shadow. But that's not what happened, I have found no adventure and little satisfaction here. What is there to look forward to every day? To a job I don't like, to friends I feel slipping away day by day, to my shattered dreams? I once thought there was no fate worse than death, then I knew that factionless was worse, but now - now I know that the worst a person can do for themselves is to scrape by. My existence is empty, cold, and small.
A whirlwind picks up in the office, suddenly sending papers scattering off my desk and caught around me like a tornado. The air is being pulled from my throat and I gasp for breath, reaching out to push through the storm but find no relief. How did I get here? What did I do to deserve this? Outside the window, to my horror, I see the sun rise and set in fast forward. Time is flying, how long have I been here? Months? Years? How long have I been wasting away like this?
My hands begin to shrivel, and the hair flying around my head turns gray. I let out a wail of despair, falling to my knees and feeling my old joints groan in protest. This not what I had planned for myself, this is not what I wanted. I want to go back, I must. Whatever I messed up in initiation I have to set it right, because I think I would rather be bleeding on the training mat or living my worst nightmares than living this equally terrible nightmare.
Wait a minute.
I snap awake and frantically look down at my hands, which are not shriveled like old prunes and run my fingers over my hair, which is as black and blue as it was when I walked in. I am young, I still have the world at my feet, I haven't failed yet. I shake my head, banishing the thoughts and fears. Before Four can criticize me for reasons still unknown, I'm on my feet and out the door. My body is drained, and I'm headed back in the direction of the dorms for my daily nap when Marlene intercepts me.
"Hey, Mimi."
"Hm?" I raise my eyebrows at her, it's all I can really manage in this state.
"You look like hell. Let's do something about it."
"Unless the next words out of your mouth are ' take a nice long nap, ' I think I'm going to have to pass.
"Oh, come on." She tugs on my arm. "You've been miserable lately and it doesn't seem like what you're currently doing is helping much."
"Yeah," I huff. "That's because nothing helps. Nothing except getting all of this over and done with as fast as possible." I know Minerva said to take my time, but she doesn't have to live through any of this.
"Well I don't know about you, but spending the next like five weeks moping doesn't sound like very much fun to me."
"I'm not moping," I protest. "I'm just…Look, how are you dealing with this so well? We're literally facing our worst nightmares and yet you're," I gesture to her, "just fine."
"What else am I supposed to be?" She says with surprising seriousness. "Miserable all the time?"
"I'm not miserable all the time."
"No?"
"No." I pull away from her and fold my arms. "I'm just trying to be realistic about the situation put before me, which is objectively horrible."
"Well almost all of initiation has been objectively horrible," she snaps, and then her face goes slack. "No. No, I didn't mean that."
"I think you did."
"Yeah, well you know what? I refuse to live like that. I can't stop looking for the good in this, in everything. I refuse to be bitter."
And in hearing this, I'm the one that feels bitter. What do I do anymore besides sit around and wallow in my own misery unless my friends drag me out for something? You want to talk about a one way trip to exactly what I saw in my fear simulation today, I can't imagine a better way.
"You know what, Marlene," I muster a weak smile, "I think I could use a little fun."
She beams and takes my hand in hers, pulling me in the direction of the Pit. "Well I know just the place."
She leads me down to the first floor and stops with a proud smile in front of an opening to a dark room with some of the most hideous carpet I've ever seen and flashes of neon lights emerging.
"And this would be…?" I raise my eyebrow at her.
"Only the best arcade in Dauntless." My hand still in hers she leads me inside. It's loud and bright, with aisles upon aisles of game stations set up and a snack bar bursting with treats on the far side of the wall. There were arcades in Erudite, but they didn't look like this and I never spent much time in them anyways. Casey never cared much for videogames and Eliza wasn't allowed to go. The few times I did go inside were with Michael, who loved and still loves a good shooting game or platformer even if he would rather die than admit it.
"You pick the first game," Marlene says. "Imma go some snacks."
I wander the rows, recognizing some games but others are foreign to me. I pick a two person platformer, something with controls I'm vaguely familiar with and wait until Marlene reappears with all the snacks in the world in her arms. There's bags of popcorn, hot pretzels, cotton candy, boxes of candy. Comfort food.
"Good choice," she comments, unloading her hoard on a nearby table and handing me a pretzel as she takes her place at the controller beside me.
It's hard to tell how long we spend in there, but by the time we've stuffed ourselves something inside me has unwound and I can laugh like it's nothing. Marlene seems satisfied with this and offers me a seat at the dinner table with the Dauntless born but I tell her I should stop off at the dorms. I don't want my other friends to worry about where I am. She nods in understanding and disappears into the crowd. As she's gone, and I'm alone, I once again feel that bitter bile and sense of purposelessness well up in my throat. I swallow hard and start to walk back to the dorms, sure that seeing my friends and distracting myself with their conversation will once again lift my spirits.
As I pass by the hallway that leads to the Chasm I catch a glimpse of a hunched figure on the bridge. I back up to see Al sitting with his legs under the barrier, his feet dangling in open air over the Chasm and his shoes occasionally being splashed by the turbulent water. He rests his chin on one of the bars and stares into space. I make my way over but he doesn't seem to notice my approach.
"Hey." I sit down next to him, ignoring the way that being so close to the railing makes my breath shake. "Can I keep you company?"
He lifts his head and gives me a sad look. "What, Mimi?"
"I'm worried about you; you've been kind of avoiding us."
He sighs. "It's nothing."
"No, it's not. Come on, you can tell me."
He rests his forehead on the bar. "I just…I'm not cut out to be here. Four knows it, Eric knows it, Peter knows it. Why should I even bother at this point?"
"Al…" I put my hand on his shoulder.
"I should just save myself the humiliation and drop out."
"No. You obviously belong here and if they can't see that then they're fucking blind."
He looks at me again. "You don't have to sugarcoat everything, Mimi. You're not dumb, you know that I'm not doing well; Edward and Myra leaving was the only thing that saved me from flunking out in stage one and…and that wasn't fair to them. They deserved to be here a lot more than I do."
"That's not true." I put my hand on his shoulder. "Look, it sucks now but the whole point of going through all of this for fifteen weeks is because we improve. And then it's over and we're all going to be just fine."
"Easy for you to say." He gives me a cold look. "You're number eight."
"I - I…" He's right. I know he's right and this would sound so much better coming from anyone but me. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be. It's…whatever." He rests his head back on the railing. "I just wish that I was good at this. Any of it." He drops his voice to a murmur. "I was too ashamed to even face my parents on Visiting Day. How could I look them in the eyes and tell them what a loser I am?"
"You're not a loser. None of what happens here is a measurement of who you are; how brave you are. And you're very brave; I see it, everyone sees it."
He shakes his head. "Not everyone. Not even me…"
"Well a mirror isn't a perfect reflection of ourselves, is it?"
"That's deep," he says with half a laugh. "Doesn't mean I belong here though?"
"So why are you still here?"
He shrugs. "Because supposedly I'm Dauntless. That's what my test said anyways. You know, this is supposed to be the place you meet people like you but so far I seem to be nothing but the odd one out. The weak link."
"You're far from weak. A-and your test doesn't define who you are; you still get to choose. So why do you want to be here?" I don't know what it's like to want to be somewhere just because you're told that you belong. Maybe for some people that really is a good enough reason. But I don't belong anywhere and I chose to be here and continue to choose it every day. Even if I'm an anomaly, I can imagine that at least some part of that is universal.
"I guess I just…wanted to be strong." Tears start to well in his eyes. "But I'm not. Nothing's helped; nothing's changed. I'm still weak and scared just like everyone says I am."
I wrap my arm around his shoulders as he begins to cry. He turns in toward me and sobs into my shoulder. His large arms wrap around my chest as his body trembles.
"Al…" I hold him in return and he looks up at me, tears glistening in his eyes. "Look this is gonna sound really corny, but more than anything I just want to be someone who means something to you guys. Someone who can make you laugh and smile and forget that you're upset for just a second, because I love you all so much." I smile at him and he returns it. "I mean, since coming to Dauntless all of these amazing and terrible things have happened to all of us but really so much of the reason any of it is any good is because we're all together. I mean maybe it makes me sound kind of mushy but I love you guys so much and I'd do anything for you." I sigh. "It just…wouldn't be the same without you. And whatever you're going through, you don't have to do it alone."
"I just…" his voice breaks. "I feel like there's no way I'm going to pass. I'm going to be factionless and you guys are going to move on without me." He wipes his tears away. "I mean it's okay. You can say it, I already know it's true."
"That's not true." I put my hand on his shoulder. "Look, you're more Dauntless than Peter or his friends could ever be. You belong here, Dauntless is your home and we, your friends, are your family. We love you, Al, and we're here to support you."
He sniffles and wipes his tears from his face with one of his large hands. "I appreciate that, Mimi," he murmurs, "but that doesn't make me any less afraid."
"We're all afraid. Bravery isn't the absence of fear it's...it's the ability to act in spite of it."
He almost smiles. "That's good. You pick that up from the Dauntless-born?"
I shake my head. "Myra. Her father used to say it. I say it now to...to honor her or something like that." I give a light scoff. "That's stupid, um…"
"I like it," he cuts me off.
I snort and raise my eyebrows. "Yeah? My sentimental musings are actually appealing to you?"
"Sure. We could all use a little sentiment sometimes."
"I guess. But, just saying, that would never have flown back in Erudite."
"Well, for so many reasons, than god we're not there."
I roll my eyes. "It's not so bad."
"Then why'd you leave."
God damn do I hate that question. I wish people would stop asking it. "Why'd you leave Candor?"
He chuckles. "Because it sucks. Everyone's mean and and all anyone cares about is their jobs. Oh wait, that's also Erudite."
I laugh. "Stop it. I love my home." The words are out of my mouth before I can really think about them. Treason pushes from my heart out my mouth, and I see the puzzled shift in Al's face as he processes what I just said.
"But what about-?"
"I know," I interrupt. "I know ." I shrink into myself but to my surprise, Al follows my movement to continue being close to me.
"It's okay to be homesick. No matter how much Candor kind of sucked, sometimes I miss it too. I miss the food, I miss being able to tell people how I felt without feeling like I'm gonna get laughed at." He cranes his head to meet my dropped gaze. "What do you miss?"
I clench my teeth. There's only so much sentimentality I can indulge in at once lest it swallow me whole. But I feel it rush over me anyways; my father's embrace, my mother's rare laughter, the twins and the time that they made for me, the smell of brewing coffee on a late light, the view from Jeanine's office.
"Mimi." I realize I've been digging my nails into Al's arm.
Breathlessly I shift away, trying to reclaim my composure. "Nothing. I don't want to talk about it."
"Mimi." Al stands as I do, reaching out for me.
"It's not personal." I put more force behind the words than I really intend to. "I just really, really don't want to talk about it." I can feel my throat tighten as I desperately shove the memories of Erudite back further into my mind."
"Mimi, you can't just shut down your feelings."
I lift my chin, getting a handle on myself. "But I can damn well try."
I walk away, leaving Al to himself and ignoring the bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.
