Chapter 12

I didn't see Arthur until the next morning when I got in around five o'clock. When I let myself into the room, quietly in case he was asleep, I found him sitting in the darkness smoking. The air was thick with it as if he'd been chain-smoking all night. I opened the window and a cold draft flowed in.

"You all right?"

"I couldn't sleep."

"Didn't you take some pills?"

He shook his head and lit another cigarette from the butt of the one he'd been smoking. He dropped the butt into the overflowing ashtray beside him.

"You upset about something?" I sat down next to him and took the last cigarette in the pack.

"No. I just wanted to wait for you."

"You stayed up all night waiting for me? You need your sleep, Arthur. How did the gig go?"

"Oh, that. It was good." He smiled suddenly. "It was great, actually. I did six shows. The kids loved it. Even some of the parents. I have my own money now." He pulled out his wallet and counted out fifty dollars from it. "This is for you. For the rent or the food or something. Whatever. I owe you a lot."

"Thank you, Arthur, but make sure you keep some for yourself." I took it rather than refuse and risk offending him. I knew he felt bad about me paying for everything. "So, why did you really stay up all night?"

"You'd already gone to work when I got back. If I went to sleep, you'd be sleeping when I go out to work again. I'd never see you."

"I can come back earlier some nights," I suggested.

"I wouldn't expect you to do that."

"Well, I want to go to bed now for a while. Are you going to join me?"

"Yes." He jumped up, stuck the cigarette in his mouth, and started unfolding the couch.

I left him to it while I had a quick wash and cleaned my teeth. Arthur took his turn in the bathroom after me, and I got in the bed. I didn't bother with sleeping pills. I felt like I was tired enough to sleep without them, and with Arthur next to me, somehow I usually managed it.

When Arthur joined me, he was wearing his pyjama pants and a T-shirt. He lay on his back, stiff and awkward, not touching me.

"Hey." I touched his arm. "Come here."

He edged closer and turned to face me. I slid my arm under his neck and drew him against my side. Immediately, he relaxed and snuggled against me. He needed reassurance each time we were close, that I wanted him there. I didn't even know what I really wanted yet. I wanted him near me. I wanted sex. But what about the rest of it? He was getting emotionally reliant on me; maybe getting too fond of me for his own good if I decided this wasn't for me. The trouble was, I'd never been in this position; never spent any time with one person and begun to feel anything for them. I had become responsible for Arthur, and if this turned out to be not what I wanted, I sensed I would stomp all over his feelings with my boot heels. It made me nervous. I'd brought him to New York to help him, because in that moment when he was dancing on the cop car, all bloody, with his arms outstretched, I admired him. And now—he was needy, damaged, and I was the only person in his world. That was a hell of a responsibility.

He slept, but I didn't. I'd got into bed with my eyes heavy but the moment I closed them, my mind raced as I analysed every little detail of what Arthur and I were to each other, and how I should handle it for the best. I didn't manage to come up with any answers, before eventually exhaustion took me as daylight filled the room.

When I woke again, Arthur was gone from the bed. The sound of him throwing up behind the closed bathroom door poured cold water on my morning wood. I got up and made coffee, and tea for him. He preferred tea when he was sick. When he emerged, looking pale and sickly, I passed him a mug.

"You okay?"

He nodded.

"Is it still the pills?"

"Yes." He sipped the tea. "I'm sorry."

"You can't help being sick, Arthur."

"Hopefully it won't be for much longer."

"Can you eat?"

"I don't feel like it but I'll have to so I can take my pills. I'm sorry I'm such terrible company. You don't have to stay around me, you know. I don't expect you to."

"It's fine." I gulped my coffee and dropped some sliced bread into the toaster. "I've been there, remember?"

"I'll be better later."

A couple of hours' later, after he'd eaten some toast, showered, and shaved, he looked much better. He put on blue pants, cream shirt, and grey sweater, ready to go to work. "I need to get some more clothes when I've earned a bit more money." He indicated his outfit and grimaced. "Most of my things are from thrift stores. Except for the red suit."

"You looked good in that suit." I remembered how he'd appeared when he walked onto Murray Franklin's stage and danced across it—red suit, yellow waistcoat, green shirt and green hair, with his face painted like a clown. Then later, dancing on the car with his bloody smile.

"I still have it."

"I'll take a night off soon. We could go out somewhere. You could wear it." I didn't think about what I was saying until the words were out of my mouth. I'd asked him on a date. Where in the hell would we go on a date in New York? There were clubs, sure, but I'd never been to one. Would Arthur even like that? Would I? Did I want to encourage things this way?

"Really? You're asking me on a date, Travis?" His face brightened. "I've never been on a date. Well, in my head a few times."

"Yeah. Maybe Sunday." That would give me a few days to discover what we could do. And get lube. Jesus Christ. I turned away to make myself more coffee and hide my warm face. The doubts I'd had when I was trying to sleep seemed to have deserted me. A flutter of excitement in my guts told me I wanted this, however tough it might be.

After Arthur had gone to the market to work, I headed out to do some research. I found a restaurant and bar for gay people, and according to the menu in the window and the tables I could see, you could just have drinks and bar snacks and sit in a booth if you wanted. You didn't have to have a full meal which Arthur would probably struggle with. The place was closed at the moment, but it looked nice enough.

From there I reluctantly headed for an adult store I knew of, that sold everything you could imagine. I slunk in feeling like a criminal, and glanced around the shelves, not knowing where to find anything and reluctant to go and ask the spotty young guy with blue hair and earrings in his face, who stood behind the counter. Luckily, no other customers were in the store.

"Can I help you, buddy?" Blue Hair appeared beside me, loudly chewing gum.

"Um—"

"First time in here, huh?" He grinned. "Don't worry. No one's watching. You got a partner?"

"Yes."

"Girl or boy?"

"Um—" I clenched my fists in my pockets. Damn, this was embarrassing.

"Boy then, yeah? First time?" He smiled again. Clearly he was used to this.

"Huh," I grunted.

"Okay. I think I have something that'll help." He left me and scurried around the store, grabbing items, then beckoned me over to the till to ring them up. I didn't dare ask what he was selling me. I simply paid a ridiculous amount of money, and fled with the brown paper bag tucked inside my jacket.

When I reached the apartment, I opened the bag and looked inside, my face burning. I had a bottle of lube and a gay sex video.

"Oh my fucking God," I muttered. Maybe I should forget the whole thing. Then I thought about Arthur, writhing in my arms as I jerked him off with my dick sliding against his arse. I'd wanted to do it then. I still did—I was merely mortified by the idea of having to watch the damn tape and take mental notes. The fact that I'd regularly gone to a porn theatre before I left New York the first time didn't count. The movies had women in. This was a whole different ball game, literally.

I got down on the floor and did push-ups while I thought about it. I hadn't got around to buying weights yet, but I religiously did push-ups and sit-ups, and lifted the TV up and down above my head fifty times. As I placed the TV back on its shelf, I remembered I hadn't bought a video recorder yet, so I couldn't watch the tape anyway. Relief washed through me. I put it back in the paper bag and hid it in a cupboard underneath my clothes. It could stay there while I got my head together.

It took me two more days to go out and buy a video recorder. I bought a tape for Arthur, too—a musical with Fred Astaire in it. He'd wonder why I had a video recorder and nothing to watch, otherwise.

I bit the bullet and watched the sex tape before he came back from work. I tried to view it as research and watch it in a practical sense, and coupled with the embarrassment, the whole thing made my dick shrivel and my balls try to crawl inside my body. But I learned a few things—important things. If I hadn't watched it, me being with Arthur would probably be a disaster. I'd only succeed in hurting him and probably myself, too.

I hid the tape again, and went out to get some burgers while I waited for him to come home. I ate mine and smoked. Arthur returned, his expression and demeanour telling me he was still struggling.

"How was today?" I asked carefully.

"Okay. The shows went well." He sat on the couch and took off his shoes.

"I got you a burger. It's still warm."

"Thank you." He nibbled the food without any enthusiasm, forcing it down so he could take his anti-depressants. I made coffee and watched the news. When Arthur pushed his plate aside, with only a quarter of the burger left on the plate, I picked up the musical tape.

"I got you something else." I passed him the tape. "You said you like musicals."

"Oh!" His eyes went wide and he stared at the tape, then turned it over to read the back. "I love this one! It was on the TV a while ago. You really bought this for me?"

"Yeah."

"Will you watch it with me?"

"Um, well, musicals aren't really my thing."

"Oh. Well, I can watch it tonight when you go to work." He smiled. "Thank you, Travis. I can't remember the last time anyone gave me a gift. Well, only Penny ever did and that was years ago. A lot of years."

"I'm glad you like it. I found somewhere we can go out," I added. "There's a kind of bar that does food, too. We could go on Sunday, if you want to."

Arthur's smile widened. "I'd like that."

"Good. You can wear your red suit." I turned away and put my jacket on. I still had my gun tucked into the back of my pants from when I went out earlier. I never left it in the apartment now, in case Arthur got his hands on it again. Five minutes later, I was in my cab looking for fares. So, we had a date on Sunday, and after—who knew what would happen?

A shiver of excitement ran through me, and suddenly I was glad I'd bought that tape and made myself watch it. Maybe the embarrassment would be worth it.