I do not own The Outsiders. All characters from the book are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.
"Darry? Where are you?" I heard Beth call from the doorway of the room.
"In here." I mumbled, staring at my gaunt reflection in the bathroom mirror.
"Are you able to make it back yourself, or do you want me to stick around?" Bradley asked from behind me.
Bradley was the physical therapist who'd been working with me for countless weeks so that I could reach a place where I could at least go home, if not get back to the normal day-to-day routines. I was thankful for all the effort he put into his job. He was dedicated and well liked by everyone, especially the nursing staff, most likely due to his outgoing personality, and the fact that he knew his shit, much like Eric and Greg had.
It had been an arduous process with hours and hours spent working on getting me up on my feet, but in that process, I felt like I was a stranger to myself. Everything had changed. I felt like a man that was handed an entirely new life with the old one being snatched away while I was face down on the ground, trying to recover.
I'd never been stuck depending on anyone since I was a child, and now it felt like I wasn't in control of anything. I was told when to eat, when to sleep. I was told when to get up and wash up and what time I'd be working on getting better. Hell, they even told me when I could or should use the bathroom. It just wasn't me. I'd always been strong—physically and mentally, but in the midst of losing control of my own body, once again life showed its cruel hand.
"Maybe stay," I looked at Bradley through the reflection in the mirror and felt the gentle pat on my back as he gave me a frown.
"You'll be okay, you know. This is what you've been working so hard for."
I nodded, but I knew the truth. I'd done what was necessary to recover from the physical damage caused by my own rash stupidity, but I'd only done the bare minimum. The truth was, I didn't care anymore. I didn't know that there was anything left for me in this new life without anything familiar. No friends. No family. I hadn't worked hard on anything except longing and yearning for time to wind itself backwards to a place where we were all together; safe and happy.
I could recover physically, but there was no healing what was broken inside.
"You want to get rid of that thing? You've been staring at it for twenty minutes, man." Bradley chuckled at me as I stared at my beard in the mirror.
Another reminder that I was now a stranger. I didn't know who the guy was staring back at me. Twenty pounds lighter, with dead eyes and long hair and a beard that would've certainly scared the shit out of my own mother let alone a little brother. But none of it mattered now. It was all gone, and I was left with this life. A different body and a different face, and a heart that just didn't care anymore. I should've died that night. There was nothing left.
"Hey, how are we doing in here? We ready?"
Beth stuck her head through the door to check in, and my heart clenched. Her smile was still beautiful, but her eyes wore the guilt she had no business feeling. She'd been my anchor the last few months while my world had been thrown upside down and turned inside out, and she'd deserved so much better than what I was able to give. She deserved more than to blame herself for what had happened.
"Was just asking Superman if he was going to keep with the free love look, or if he was going to get rid of that thing."
"Yeah?" Beth smiled at me through the mirror before wrapping her arms around me from behind. "Did you decide?"
I tried to match the softness in her eyes, but I couldn't.
"I guess it don't much matter. I don't have to worry 'bout scaring anyone anymore. If you like it, I can keep it." I shrugged.
Her smile turned strained as she unravelled her arms from around me and left me with Bradley in the cramped hospital bathroom.
"I found a wheelchair at the entrance. Are we walking out, or do you need a lift?" I could hear her call out from the doorway.
I looked at Bradley for instruction as he handed me my crutches.
"He'll have plenty of time to walk. We'll use the chair. Safety first. You ready?"
Was I ready? Was I ready to live a life as unfamiliar as the new scars on my body? Was I ready to re-enter a world without the warmth of Sodapop, or the hope and will to continue of Ponyboy? Was there any way to see the brighter side of things without the hackling of Two-Bit, or the ability to say, "screw it" and keep going anyways like Steve? Was I ready? No, I wasn't, but like everything else in my life I had no choice.
They told me it was depression. Most likely triggered by the trauma from the accident, but I could only roll my eyes. I could handle an accident. I could handle a surgery; pins and plates and screws holding my left leg together. I could even handle life without a damned leg; I could do it and not have it slow me down. But I felt like an orphan now; alone and belonging nowhere. I could handle everything that life had to throw at me except for one thing:
I couldn't handle losing both of my brothers.
It was silent except for the empty clatter of Sodapop's dog tags hanging around my neck as I slowly made my way to the wheelchair. I eased my way down to sit while Beth steadied the chair for me from behind, and I nodded knowing that once I left the four secure walls of the hospital, I was on my own. For the first time in my life, I was alone.
I knew that I wouldn't be able to wallow. Life didn't stop with the death of my parents, and it sure as fuck wasn't going to stop because I'd lost the rest of my family. I'd have to let it go and find a way to stand on my own two feet again, but my insides had no desire. I may as well have died in the jungles of Vietnam or died in dad's old Ford when that train drove through me. I felt dead inside, but I knew at some point, I'd have to move on.
Bradley took over steering the wheelchair while Beth clutched onto the two bags of things I'd acquired while laying in a hospital bed for the better part of a few months. I tried to follow the light conversation of Bradley and Beth, but I couldn't seem to focus; my mind drifting off to things of the past when even in the dark, I knew I would be alright. Now I didn't know anything.
I closed my eyes as we made our way outside in front of the doors of the hospital. The fresh air should've made me feel better, but it only reminded me of things lost. I felt Beth squeeze my shoulder, and I managed to grab gently for her hand and squeeze her back in acknowledgement. She'd been everything to me while I was recuperating, and I didn't mean to push her away even though I could feel myself doing that very same thing.
"I see a cab," Bradley announced as he engaged the brakes on the wheelchair before waving his hand.
"Here we are! Next stop, home!" Beth tried to look enthusiastic, but her eyes betrayed her. They were as dead as mine.
"You take care of our man, Beth! And yourself!"
Bradley hugged Beth before opening the door for her to let her into the back seat of the taxi. He spoke to her lowly, maybe something that he didn't want me to hear before turning back to me with a smile.
"Alright, Superman. Let's get you the hell out of here!"
"I don't know what to do." I was suddenly paralyzed with fear.
"Sure, you do; we've worked on this. I'll hold onto your crutches. Use the arm rest to push yourself up standing, and I'll hand you your walking sticks."
"That's not what I mean." I felt the heat spill over from my eyes and wiped at the tears impatiently.
Bradley kneeled in front of me, placing a hand on my knee and looked at me. "I know, Darry."
"I'm scared. I'm scared to go home and face it." I looked at him desperately; wishing he could fix everything that was broken, but I knew that he couldn't.
"But you have to, Darry. You have to. That's the shitty part of my job. Some wounds—the deepest ones I can't help heal. You have to let yourself feel it, Darry. You'll never get past this unless you let yourself feel it. And I'm here, Darry. I'm here, and you can call on me anytime. I swear, Darry. I'm not your brother, but I'd like to think I'm your friend."
I nodded as I mustered as much courage as I could to push myself up from the wheelchair and stand on my feet. Bradley nodded back with a smile before pulling me into a hug. I clenched my eyes as I swallowed hard and then slowly pulled away from him.
Beth stood holding the front door open for me as I made my way up the steps to the porch slowly, trying to remember the rules for ascending stairs that Bradley had spent hours going over with me before I'd finally put the rules into practice. It didn't hurt much anymore now that weeks had been between me and the accident, but my body was tired from the lack of a decent meal and the usual physical exertion I was normally used to daily with work and the day to day tasks of keeping a home running.
That home was eerily familiar, but the emptiness was consuming as I made my way through the doorway. Unlike when Pony had been in the hospital, there was nobody around to make sure it was kept in order. It was exactly how I'd left it—dirty laundry and dishes and all, as I walked through the living room into the opening of the kitchen. I eyed the old tire swing in the back yard, and every single failure bubbled up to the surface and looked back at me.
"Why don't you get settled in, and I'll tidy up a bit?" Beth's voice was light as I heard her place the two bags of my belongings onto the kitchen table.
"Don't bother. Go home and get some rest."
It was silent.
"You'll never forgive me, will you?" I heard the crack in her voice, and I turned around to look at her.
"What?"
"It's my fault Pony's gone."
"None of this is your fault, Beth. You don't know the State like I do—you've never had to deal with them."
"That's not exactly true…"
"Not from this side, is what I meant." I interrupted, feeling sick that Beth thought I'd blamed her for the State poking around while I was in the hospital, and snatching Ponyboy right out from underneath me. "This is just how it is when you grow up on the wrong side of the tracks."
"I feel responsible." Beth cried, but I shook my head to squash that idea to nothing.
"If anyone's to blame, it's me. I'm the reason he got sent to a foster home to begin with. I'm the reason he wound up with a monster that almost killed him. Soda left because of me, and if I hadn'ta run off half cocked that night I woulda been fine and Pony'd be home with me right now, wouldn't he? You're not to blame, Beth and I sure as hell don't blame you for any of this. You were only taking care of me."
"Darry…" Beth started, but I just couldn't go there with her right then.
"Beth, I just…I just need some time. I need some time alone to think about what I need to do here."
"We can start making calls. We'll find out where he is and…"
"Beth, I need to be alone right now."
I didn't think I was trying to push her away just then, but I realized that's how it seemed when she cried harder.
"Just for a couple of days," I added while my crutches and me made our way over to her, and I wrapped her in my arms. "I just need to figure out how to keep on keepin' on. I need to think, and I need to break down and maybe break a few things while I'm at it and I can't do that with you here keeping me sane."
Beth nodded reluctantly while taking a step back as she wiped away tears. "Are you going to drink?"
The question stung, but it was no less than what I deserved. It was no less than fair after what I'd put her and everyone else through in my quest to numb the pain, but the pain I was in now was permanent. I didn't think there'd be a remedy unless there was some way to bring souls back from the dead.
"I dunno." I wanted to be honest. "If I thought it'd help maybe, but I've been down that road before. It just makes things worse, don't it?"
Beth nodded sadly and pulled me into her so that we stood there holding each other. In our hug I realized that Beth had been where I was. She'd lost everyone—her own little brother was taken from her while his body was ravaged by cancer. She knew what I was going through more than I did, and it made me feel ashamed.
"Tell me it gets better. Tell me I'm gonna forget; that this feeling is gonna go away and I'll be a whole person again. Tell me I'm gonna get through this."
"I wish that I could," Beth choked out a sob. "I wish that I could more than anything. I want to tell you that time will heal it all, but it doesn't, baby. The hardest part isn't saying goodbye to Sodapop; the hardest part is learning to live without him."
I clutched Beth even tighter to me, realizing that I really wasn't completely alone. She was there like she always had been for the last couple of years.
"It won't ever end Darry, but it'll change and I'm here. I'm right here when you're ready."
"I love you." I whispered as I shoved my face into her neck.
"I love you, too. We'll do this together, okay?"
I nodded fiercely and was thankful that there was still someone I loved next to me, and in that realization I found that I didn't want to be alone after all. I didn't know what life would hold for me. I didn't know who I'd be after all of this, but I knew Beth would be there with me.
"Stay," I whispered.
"What about breaking down and breaking shit?" Beth looked up at me uncertain.
"It'll feel better knowing there's a soft place to fall after. You can break some shit too, if you want?" I tried to smile but it was too soon and I wasn't there yet.
"I'm here, Darry. I'm here."
