A/N: Thank you all SO much for your kind words, I am so happy you enjoyed the last chapter, even if it was a tough one to read. An extra thank you to all those that checked out my one-shot Mercy and reviewed it, you're all amazing.
I hope you enjoy this chapter just as much.
Hermann
We are all sat in the waiting room when Casey is practically forced down the hall from us. He is pushing against two nurses; both are having a hard time calming him down. Kelly and I both jump up at the commotion, but Kelly is moving toward Casey before I can. We had been waiting for the last hour for an update. We knew Gabby was having an emergency c-section, but we had not heard anything yet. By looks of our Lieutenant is was clear there was no good news to share.
The nurses soon rush back down the hall they came from and Casey stands there, the shell of a broken man. My stomach flips anxiously.
Kelly rests a hand on Matt's shoulder, pulling his eyes to him. Casey's face is red, tears still streaming down his eyes. I don't know that I had ever seen our Lieutenant cry so openly before.
"Casey, what happened?" Kelly asks.
The blonde released a heavy breath, doing his best to keep his composure once he realizes he is amongst his peers.
"I, I don't know." He breathes out. "Everything was fine. I got to hold him, Gabby got to see him and then..." He trails off, not able to hold in the sob that breaks through, my heart drops.
Kelly squeezes Casey's shoulder, but I can see the squad lieutenant barely holding himself together as well. The whole house is tuned into their conversation, solemn looks filling our features.
"The baby, his lungs were underdeveloped, they brought him to the NICU," Casey says softly, defeatedly. My hand runs over my mouth at his words... the tension in the room growing thick.
"And Dawson?" I rasp softly, barely able to get the words out.
Matt's face drops, tears welling in his eyes and he quickly looks to the floor. "She started bleeding... They pulled me from the room, I, I don't know any more than that." He says, his words are barely audible.
Kelly pulls Casey into a hug, and I see the tears stream down Matt's face. The two men normally not very sentimental, but it was clear they both needed comfort.
I hear Brett's cries behind me, as she is pulled into Cruz's arms for comfort and I do my best to keep my own tears at bay, but I am soon losing the battle. A tear falling down my face and I force myself into the seat behind me before my legs give out, Matt's words were like a punch to the gut for all of us.
We couldn't lose Dawson, but more importantly, Casey could not lose Dawson.
Whether those two were together or not, she was his world. I could not imagine what this would do to him. I hoped and prayed we did not have to find out.
The room is deathly quiet, save for the sniffles that could be heard, no one could form a word, everyone too consumed with their own thoughts.
Kelly eventually gets Casey guided to a chair and sat down. The blonde Lieutenant shedding his surgical gear and settling into the seat with his scrubs still on, his head in his hands and his body still shaking with the occasional sob. Severide stays beside him, a calming hand on his shoulder, but I knew Kelly was doing his best to keep himself held together for his friend. He was doing his best, but every few minutes he would reach up, brushing his own tear away. I knew he and Dawson had become close.
They lived together, and I knew well before that Dawson held a place in his heart, but it was easy to see the shift in their friendship after Shay passed, and again after Dawson became pregnant. Kelly becoming almost as protective of her as Casey had.
It's nearly an hour later that a doctor is stepping into the room.
Severide's head snaps up. "Casey." He calls softly, the Lieutenant nearly jumping from his seat when he sees her.
His broken eyes meet hers pleadingly. Pleading with her to not give him the worst news of his life.
"Mr. Casey, I'm Dr. Elliot, I have been working with your son." She tells him.
"Jesse." He clarifies. "His name is Jesse. Is he okay?" He questions quickly.
The doctor smiles softly. "He's okay. His lungs are a little underdeveloped. We were going to have to intubate him, but he is a little fighter all ready and we were able to regulate his breathing with oxygen. He will be on the oxygen until his lungs are further developed, but we are giving him medicine to speed that process along for him." Casey nods along at the doctor's words but seems unable to form any words himself. "This is good news, Mr. Casey." She insists. "I know this is all scary, and unexpected... but believe me, this is good. You have a little fighter on your hands, I wouldn't be surprised to see him off the oxygen in just a few days." She assures.
Casey nods, offering a barely their smile, some of the tension radiating off him lightening.
"Do you have any news on his mother, Gabriella Dawson?" He questions softly now, his voice barely recognizable of the strong leader we were all so used to.
The doctor gives a weak smile and shakes her head. "No, I'm sorry, sir. I was not involved with your wife's care at all." I watch the disappointment flash in his features, his mind clearly torn between being happy that their baby boy was okay and his fear for Gabby. "I can take you to see your son now?" She states her question. Casey nods, but not before turning to us. Boden quickly gives him a nod.
"We will come find you if the doctors bring any update on Gabriella." He assures, seeing his truck Lieutenants clear hesitation on leaving the room. With a quick nod Casey is following along with the doctor to see his son.
Casey
The doctor, Dr. Elliot, leads me down a few halls and into the ICU before moving off to one room. My eyes immediately land on our little boy inside the hospital crib. He was so tiny. Tinier than I even remembered from just an hour ago.
The doctor notices my hesitation and moves over to Jesse. "Would you like to hold him?" She questions to which I immediately nod.
She motions to the sink in the corner and I wash my hands as she wraps Jesse up in a swaddle. He starts to cry at the movement around him and I watch as she slowly picks him up and cradles his little body in her arms. She moves around the bed to me, and gently transfers him into my waiting arms. Jesse's cries instantly tapper off as I cradle him close, and for what seems like the millionth time today I feel tears well in my eyes as I look down at my son.
Dr. Elliot carefully moves Jesse's oxygen and IV around so that they wouldn't tangle and leads me to the chair by the bed where I slowly sit with Jesse in my arms.
"He's so small," I say softly, unable to hold in my thought as I gaze into his eyes. He was Gabby's twin I note once again, though his eyes, they were blue like mine. I knew that was typical for babies, but I had a feeling these would stick.
The doctor nods. "He is 6 pounds, 2 ounces. 17 inches long." She tells me.
"He looks just like his mom," I tell her, my voice thick with emotion.
The doctor only offers a small smile, but our conversation is broken when Jesse starts to squirm again, cries filling the room. "He is probably hungry; he hasn't eaten yet." She tells me. "Let me get him a bottle."
I shake my head, stopping her movements to the door. "Gabby wants to breastfeed," I tell her and she turns back with a sympathetic smile. My words register with me as well... we didn't know when, or if, that was possible. We didn't know how Gabby was doing right now. The reality of our current situation hitting me and knocking the wind out of me. I had let myself forget for just the briefest of moments, I had let myself forget while I looked at our beautiful son.
"A bottle won't harm the breastfeeding process, Mr. Casey. When Gabby is up for it, we can still try to breastfeed." She reassures, and I am thankful for her use of when, not if.
I nod and she moves to get a bottle, coming back in soon after as I try my best to soothe Jesse while we wait.
She passes me the bottle and leaves soon after, telling me to page if I needed anything.
It takes a bit for Jesse to understand what is going on, but soon he stops crying and takes the bottle eagerly, staring up at me with his deep blue eyes.
"Hey buddy... I'm your dad." I tell him, speaking softly as I hold him close. "I love you so much. So does your Momma. She loves you more than anything else in this world." I swallow thickly, feeling the emotions creep into my voice.
A soft knock at the door pulls me from my thoughts and I look up to find Severide and Boden standing in the doorway, soft smiles on their faces.
"Hey, dad." Kelly says, "Mind if we join you?"
Despite myself, I smile at his words and nod them in, my eyes falling back down to Jesse as he continues to eat slowly, his eyes fighting to stay open. I readjust the nasal tube that was giving him oxygen as it had started to slip down and look back up at Kelly and Boden.
Boden has a small smile on his face while Kelly looks on in wonder.
"Damn, he is Dawson's twin." Kelly says a grin forming on his face.
I smile again at his words. "He is." I agree, running my hand over the light brown curls peeking out from his hat.
"That baby looks good in your arms, Lieutenant." Chief comments, a smile still on his dark face, he knew how long I had waited for this.
"Thanks Chief."
I pull the bottle away from Jesse as his eyes continue to drift closed and carefully pull him up to my shoulder, patting gently on his little back. I meet their eyes as they stare at me. "Any news on Gabby?" I question hesitantly, almost afraid of their answer.
"No, man. Nothing yet." Kelly tells me, a solemn look filling his features once again.
A knock at the door pulls all of our attention away. "Mr. Casey?"
I look up and see Gabby's doctor and feel the panic flood my system.
I pull Jesse from my shoulder as a soft burp leaves him and cradle him close to my chest once again, assuring his oxygen is set properly on his little nose before meeting the doctors waiting eyes head-on.
She looks hesitantly to the other occupants of the room, "They can stay." I assure her. "How's Gabby?"
She nods at my words before stepping forward. "Gabriella lost a lot of blood." I tense considerably, trying to read her features, I'm thankful when she quickly continues. "But we were able to stabilize her. They are getting her moved up and settled into the ICU now." A release an audible sigh of relief, not bothering the stop the warm tears the run down my face.
Thank God.
"We are not out of the woods yet, and Gabby is still unconscious, but I am optimistic. We need to monitor her closely. With placenta abruption it is not uncommon for more bleeding to occur after delivery... but we are going to be watching closely for this." She continues and I nod along, as long as she was alive.
"When can I see her?" I ask quickly. I needed to get my eyes on her, I needed to see her and know she was okay for myself.
She offers a soft smile. "I can take you to her."
I nod, and then look down to Jesse, not wanting to leave him either. Kelly must pick up on my hesitation.
"I can stay with him, Matt." He assures. I look at him with just as much hesitation. He quirks a brow, "What don't trust me with my godson?" He jokes and I roll my eyes at him.
We both knew that was not the case. I stand up carefully, Jesse was asleep after his bottle and burp. I place a soft kiss on his head. "I'll be back soon, buddy," I whisper to Jesse and Kelly and I completing the tradeoff slowly, him taking my seat as I move away.
"He so light." I hear Kelly say, looking down at the baby in wonder.
I nod a grin on my face seeing Severide with his godson. "Only 6 pounds," I tell him, his eyes raised to mine.
"Go see your girl Case, I got him till you get back. Teach him why squad is better than truck." He teases. "Tell Dawson to get her ass healed up so she can come hold this precious boy and that we love her." He continues, the teasing gone now, replaced with a soft tone that I knew he meant sincerely. Letting loose how scared he had been for Gabby as well.
"I will."
When I step into Gabby's room a few minutes later I wish I could say relief swept over me, but it didn't. Gabby was pale, so damn pale. Her normal caramel skin no longer shining through. The doctor had warned me she had lost a lot of blood, I hadn't realized just how much.
I make quick steps to the side of her bed, reaching for her hand and clasping it in my own. "Oh Gabby," I say softly, leaning over and pressing a soft kiss to her head.
I set down in the chair by her bed keeping her hand in mine.
"Keep fighting, Gabby. We have a beautiful baby boy waiting to meet you. He is gorgeous Gabs, which isn't surprising since he is basically your twin." I tell her. "But he needs his Mom. He needs you. I need you."
5 days later...
I moved carefully around Jesse's hospital room, doing my best to juggle the baby while trying to get his bottle ready as well. At this time, I was grateful that he had been taken off oxygen earlier this morning because if it weren't for that I would be tangled up in the multiple cords.
Jesse was progressing just as Dr. Elliot had described. At 5 days old he was officially off the oxygen and IV, his lungs responding well to the steroid medicine they had provided. The cries currently filling the room were only proof of that, his strong cries filling the hospital room as he grew impatient to be fed.
"I know, buddy. I know." I make quick work of the bottle, shaking it strongly as I come to rest in the rocking chair. Snuggling Jesse close I bring the bottle to his lips and he eagerly takes it. A shuddering breath leaving him as he calms and sucks on the bottle. "There we go." I grin at the little crocodile tear that has escaped his eyes and run down his cheek. "Oh man, you are too damn cute." I tell him, wiping the tear off his cheek as I held onto the bottle. He looked up at me with those big blue eyes and my heart melts.
Jesse and I had gotten a routine down over the past couple of days. I would split my time between taking care of him and moving back to sit with Gabby. It had been 5 days, and she had yet to wake up. The doctors continued to stress she had been through a lot of trauma, it was normal for her body to take longer to reset, but it didn't ease my worries. I hated that she was missing these moments with Jesse. I needed her to wake up. Jesse needed her to wake up. She hadn't even got to hold him yet.
"Hey man," Antonio calls, walking into the room, Kelly trailing behind.
I move my gaze from Jesse and look up to them both. "Morning." I offer. "How's she doing today?" I ask, knowing they had been by to see Gabby before coming to take care of Jesse.
"Still the same," Antonio says softly. I sigh, but nod, as much as I wished it wasn't, I knew that would be the answer. If anything had changed, I would have known by now.
"Want me to take over?" Kelly asks, always eager to get to take care of Gabby and I's little boy.
I place a soft kiss to Jesse's head and make the handoff with Kelly. "Love you, buddy."
"I'll come back around lunchtime," I tell them, sparing one last look at the two men that were captivated by the baby before moving down to see Gabby.
I walked into the room and place a kiss on Gabby's head before taking a seat in the chair at her side. I pull her hand into my own. "I've got good news. Jesse is officially off oxygen as of this morning." I tell her, the grin on my face full of happiness for the first time in a long time. "You'd be so proud of him. He's strong... just like his Momma." I tell her, my voice catching at those words.
I lean forward and press a kiss to the top of her hand I have in my hold. I lean my head into her hand. Closing my eyes and taking a few calming deep breaths.
I had done everything in my power to stay as strong as I possibly could over the past couple of days. It had been a rollercoaster. The happiness of having my son, and the complete terror I felt over Gabby's condition. That fear coming in waves every day as Gabby's condition was unchanging.
I can feel myself nearly falling into sleep while I sit there; it had been a long few nights with Jesse after all, but movement startles me out of my near sleep. I pull back abruptly, my eyes training on Gabby's face.
Her eyes flutter a few times, her face screwing up in confusion before her eyes open. She looks around in confusion, her face unreadable before her eyes fall on me. Relief floods my body, a heavy sigh falling from my lips. "Oh, thank God." I breathe out.
"What... what happened?" Gabby stutters out.
I go to speak, but before I can utter a word her hand runs over her now much flatter stomach and her eyes go wide in a panic, tears instantly filling her deep orbs. "Matt..." She says breathlessly, her fear taking over at my silence.
"He's okay." I tell her quickly, squeezing her hand in mine. "He's okay. He's beautiful, and perfect, and he can't wait to meet his Mom" I assure her, the emotion in my voice thick. "God, baby, you scared me." I breathe, getting out of my chair and resting a hand on her cheek, letting my forehead fall to hers and breathing her in... needing to feel her presence, needing to just feel her and let the relief wash over me.
I can feel Gabby's tears run down her cheeks and I wipe them away, placing a long kiss onto her forehead. "I wanna see him." Gabby cries, her words taking me back to 5 days ago in the delivery room. I nod my forehead against hers.
"I know. Let's call the doctor and see how soon we can make that happen." I tell her, a smile filling my features as I pull back and press her call button, not going far as I sit on the side of her bed, needing to be near her right now.
A nurse is stepping in a few minutes later, a look of shock filling her face when she takes in the scene, a smile soon falling onto her face. "Welcome back Ms. Dawson." She says happily, pulling her pager from her pocket and calling for Gabby's doctor.
Gabby's brow furrows at her words. I squeeze her hand. "It's uh, it's been 5 days." I tell her gently and watch as that sinks in, tears welling in her eyes once again.
"Gabriella." Her doctor's voice is saving me from having to continue that conversation for now. The doctor comes over and starts checking her vitals. "How are you feeling?" She asks as she writes a few things down on the clipboard in her hand.
"I'm fine." Gabby says quickly, "When can I see my baby?"
The eagerness in her voice is not missed, the doctor gives her a knowing smile. "Let's get you checked out first, then we can talk about your boy." She tells Gabby. "Now, how are you really feeling?"
Gabby sighs. "I'm sore, feel a little weak, but otherwise I feel alright." She explains.
The doctor nods along, writing a few more things down. "That is to be expected. You lost a lot of blood in the delivery room Ms. Dawson. We had to do two transfusions." Gabby's eyes go wide and flash to mine quickly as I stood by her head, I try to provide a reassuring smile to calm her as the doctor continues. "Your placenta tore at the uterine wall and cervix after delivery which caused the bleeding. We had some trouble getting it stopped at first, but we got it stopped, and so far, you have not had any additional bleeding that is out of the ordinary after such surgery." Gabby nods, taking in the information.
I knew at this point she could care less about her own situation, all she wanted was to see our boy.
"Now, you were out for 5 days. This was likely just your bodies way of recharging, you have been through a lot of trauma, Gabby. I know your main concern right now is your child, and I understand, but we need you to be taking care of yourself. This is going to be a long recovery process for you and I need you to understand that." She gives Gabby a pointed stare and Gabby nods reluctantly. "Everything looks good with your vitals. I'll have nurse come in and help you get cleaned up and try to get you up out of bed here in a little while."
Once the doctor is done talking Gabby gives her a pointed look of her own, I grin at her, the brunette never losing her fierceness, even while lying in a hospital bed.
The doctor rests a reassuring hand on Gabby's shoulder chuckling gently. "I also see no reason why you can't see your boy." She tells her, Gabby smiling brightly. The doctor looks to me, "He is still admitted, yes?"
I nod. "Yes. Off oxygen and doing great." I tell her, though my words are more directed to Gabby's questioning stare, my words putting her at ease slightly, though I knew she wouldn't be fully calmed until she held Jesse in her arms.
The doctor moves from Gabby's side. "I'll go see what I can do about getting him down here. In the meantime, take it easy Gabriella, take care of yourself." With that she is out the door, leaving Gabby and I alone in her room once more.
"How is he?" Gabby asks immediately, meeting my eyes head-on. Her brown orbs are shining with uncertainty.
I smile gently, coming to sit on her side of the bed again, a smile filling me as I think about Jesse.
"He is doing great, Gabs. They had to have him on oxygen and some medicine to help his lungs develop further, but he is officially off that as of this morning. He's beautiful, looks just like his mom." I tell her, tears were shining in her eyes and my voice became thick at the site. "He uh, he was 6 pounds 2 ounces, 17 inches long. He's so tiny..."
I trail off, wiping at the tears that have now fallen down Gabby's cheeks. "I'm so sorry..."
My brows furrow at her apology. "I'm sorry you had to do this on your own for-"
"Hey, don't. Don't. You have nothing to apologize for, I am just happy you are still here; that you are going to be okay. That is all that matters, okay?"
The brunette nods, but it is clear she is not fully convinced, but I am unable to push the issue anymore when Gabby's eyes widen as she looks behind me.
"Mind if we join you?"
I turn around to see Kelly and Antonio slowly rolling in Jesse's portable crib. Antonio moves around the bed and gives his sister a one-armed hug. "Hey sis. Don't ever scare us like that again." He says softly, placing a kiss on the top of her head. Gabby barely offers a nod, her eyes trained on the crib that Kelly pushes up against her bed.
"Damn Dawson, it's good to see you." Kelly says sincerely, I knew he had been just as worried about Gabby as I had been.
"Thanks Kelly." She says, offering him a smile, her eyes going right back to our little boy.
I carefully pull Jesse from his crib; he cries as he is pulled from his sleep and I pass him to Gabby who takes him into her arms. Her eyes instantly filling with tears as she shushes Jesse. The baby quickly quiets, his big blue eyes looking up into his mothers.
"Hi baby," Gabby says, her voice thick with emotion, I swallowed the lump in my throat at the sight of her holding our son for the first time. She had barely gotten to see him, let alone hold him when she delivered. "Hi, sweet boy." Gabby places sweet kisses to Jesse's forehead, her tears finally spilling down her cheeks as she snuggles him close.
I rest my hand on her shoulder, taking in the amazing sight of her holding our son. Her eyes meet mine, both of us smiling brightly. "He's amazing." She says in awe, making my grin widen further.
"He is." I agree.
She looks down to Jesse again, the baby still looking up at her in wonder. "I love him so much. Yeah, baby, mommy loves you so much."
I run a hand over her back and press a kiss to her head. This was all I ever wanted. Gabby and me and our baby. It was a rough path to getting here, the last few days had been long and hard... truthfully the last few months had been, but we were finally here. Finally, our little family was all together and as healthy and happy as we could be.
I look around to see that the room has cleared, Antonio and Severide having cleared out to give us a moment and I was grateful for it.
Jesse starts fussing a moment later, I look at the time and see it has been a couple of hours since I had been up in his room and fed him. Gabby tries to soothe him but there is clearly no soothing the hungry infant.
"I think he's hungry," I tell her and she nods, bringing Jesse to her shoulder and rubbing over his back to try and quite him. "I'll go tell the nurse to bring a bottle." I go to move to the door, but Gabby's timid voice stops me.
"Wait I..." She gnaws at her bottom lip. "I wanted to... do we still think I can breastfeed?" She asks. "I didn't know if they had said anything, or if it was okay..." I hated seeing her so unsure of herself so I offer her a reassuring smile, hoping it will calm some of her obvious anxiety.
"Of course. Let me go get a nurse."
I move from the room and quickly find one of Gabby's nurses and explain the situation. They assure me Gabby can still breastfeed and when we come back to the room together and she gives Gabby the same news I see the relief wash over her.
I take Jesse from her so the nurse can help her get situated around. Her movements were still slow from the pain she was in from the surgery. Once Gabby is sat up in bed the nurse gives her some pointers and moves the pillow around for Gabby to have some cushioning for Jesse. At the nurse's suggestion, I lay Jesse in the crib and take his swaddle off, which only proves to further upset the infant.
I pick him back up and cradle him close, shushing him and trying to soothe him as much as possible while the nurse closes the curtains to give us privacy and then moves back to help Gabby remove her hospital gown. She brings her a new one that is better suited for nursing mothers and helps her unsnap one side of it.
Gabby holds her arms out and I gently hand her the fussing baby. She brings him close and after a couple of failed attempts at getting Jesse to latch, I can see Gabby getting frustrated with herself. She was already blaming herself for missing these first few days of his life, I knew if this was something, she had to give up she would continue to blame herself for this too. I watch her take a few calming breaths, forcing herself to calm down and not get worked up as Jesse's cries intensify after another failed attempt to latch. I move closer to the bed and run a soothing hand up and down her bare back, doing what I could to help her relax.
I am about to tell Gabby to take a break, that we can get him a bottle and try again later, but then she is gasping and freezing in place. "I think he's got it." She says in awe.
Jesse's cries quite quickly he releases a shuddering breath but continues to eat happily, his eyes looking up at his mom.
The nurse soon leaves, telling Gabby to call if we need anything and it is once again just us left in the room.
I stay at Gabby's side, running a hand over her back still as she stares down at our boy with the same wonder that he looks up at her with. My heart swells at the sight. I place a kiss on the top of Gabby's head. "You're amazing," I tell her softly, her eyes meet mine for the briefest of moments, smiling before she looks back down to Jesse. The site of her feeding our child was a beautiful thing, and I don't know that I could ever tire of this.
I had known since the beginning that Gabby would be an amazing mother, there was never a doubt in my mind.
Over the last few months since her diagnosis, and especially the last few days I had a deep fear in me that this would not be a possibility, that Gabby would not get to be the mother to Jesse that both of them deserved to get to experience.
I was so happy that fear had been proven wrong.
Yay! Finally, baby Jesse is here. I am so excited to get to write more about him and Dawsey as parents. A new dynamic to their relationship is going to be interesting. I have so many ideas for where to go with this story and this had been one of my easiest things to write as of late.
Please review and let me know what you thought.
