Last time: Severus nodded as he turned back to the floo and absentmindedly waived his wand between the pair of them, turning himself into the disguised version of himself with whom he had become very familiar since Hermione had sent him her thesis for review in advance of it's publication during her mastery.
Turning back toward Hermione to offer his hand before they stepped into the fireplace, Severus suddenly paled in shock as he realized he recognized the disguised face staring back at him...
Hermione immediately noticed Severus's change in demeanor and stepped up to him quickly, taking his arm and rubbing it soothingly. "Severus, is everything ok? I'm sorry if I've upset you. I just thought some privacy would be nice..."
Severus quickly schooled his expression, realizing she hadn't noticed what he'd just discovered through the use of her glamour charm. Although he'd suspected as much from their conversations over the weeks since her accident, her reaction, or lack therof, confirmed that Hermione had no memory of the night of the baby's...HIS baby's conception. He now understood that both himself and Hermione must have used her charm before they'd met that evening in the club, and unbeknownst to either of them, it had been him all along with whom she'd felt that connection leading to some of those feelings of guilt she expressed when she shared the news about the pregnancy.
Looking back at it now, he was incredulous that he hadn't put the pieces together. He'd felt a similar connection with the young woman he'd met that night. Although not a prude by anyone's standards, Severus wasn't the type of man to take women home to his bed regularly, and especially not one he'd only just met, so it had been clear he'd felt something special between himself and the young woman he'd met in the club. He couldn't believe how quickly he'd shoved her from his mind once he and Hermione started becoming closer. If only he'd questioned her more when she told him she was expecting...he might have put the pieces together then and there and they both would have realized so much sooner that she had no reason to be so distraught by the news.
How in Merlin's name was he going to explain to Hermione what had happened now, particularly when she didn't remember that night at all let alone that she'd used a glamour to disguise herself when she'd met the father of her child. Up on further consideration, he wondered if she had been able to tell that the man she'd been with was similarly using her spell that night. He knew from reading her published papers on the charm that there were ways to distinguish its use, although to the untrained eye these would be difficult to spot. Having created it, however...he tried to puzzle out whether she could have known, wishing he could ask her outright...it would certainly explain why she'd been so adamant that she'd have no way of determining the baby's paternity after the fact. In any case, now was not the time to have this conversation, particularly as it would make them late for Hermione's appointment at St. Mungos.
Perhaps they would have a solution to the gaps in her memory, and she would come to the same realization he had before they'd have to discuss things together. Knowing it was wishful thinking, Severus couldn't help but hope there would be some options the specialists could suggest. Having her memories of that evening would certainly make things easier than attempting explain the situation and how he'd connected the threads... He firmly withdrew himself from analyzing the situation further at the present moment and took Hermione's hand reassuringly. He needed time to appropriately prepare himself mentally and emotional for this conversation, time which was not afforded to him at the present. "I'm sorry Hermione, I don't know what came over me. Shall we?" he asked as he gestured for her to precede him into the floo.
The rest of the afternoon passed in a blur. The healers in the memory spells ward at St. Mungo's had been working with the Unspeakables at the ministry of magic on some new remedies to combat memory alterations which resulted from trauma. While the intent had been to improve the quality of life for patients like Neville's parents who had sustained trauma from spell damage such as prolonged exposure to the cruciatus curse, the healers felt it could be applied in cases of blunt force trauma as well. The idea was that the patient would take a potion specifically developed to lower any mental shields the mind had subconsciously erected in response to the patient's traumatic experience which would then allow a skilled Legilimens to enter their mind to help guide the patient toward those previously unrecoverable memories. The application of these combined interventions was currently in the trial phase, but they had seen promising results in those who were currently involved in the research.
Hermione was clearly uneasy about the idea of a mediwitch or wizard poking around in her memories, and requested time to review current publications about the theory along with the consent documentation before making a decision. She was scheduled for a follow-up visit in two weeks time to discuss her decision along with any other options should she not move forward as a participant in the study.
While the pair was at the hospital, they stopped briefly at the maternity ward to request a list of midwitches who were currently accepting new patients along with some possible appointment dates and times. Hermione planned to ask Harry and Ginny if they'd had any experience with any of those provided and indicated she would owl the appropriate department to request an appointment after the first of the year.
Returning to their quarters at Hogwarts, Hermione immediately began reading through the materials provided by St. Mungos on the memory trial and started penning letters to some of her research partners from her mastery days to see if they had access to any of the publications discussing the study and its findings thus far. While she worked in the couple's recently combined library, Severus fixed himself a tumbler of firewhisky and settled himself on their sofa to consider how he might approach Hermione about the baby's new-found parentage.
Being the emotionally complicated man Severus was, he found himself of two minds regarding what he had discovered when he'd applied the glamour to them both earlier that day. On the one hand, he was thrilled by the news that the baby he was learning to consider as his son or daughter was actually his. He could fully immerse himself in the joys of impending parenthood with his lovely witch without the accompanying awkwardness that had previously colored the couple's arrangement and discussions about the future. He was, however, simultaneously gutted that if Hermione had not insisted they use her charm, he may have never known about the existence of his son or daughter because Hermione hadn't intended to seek out more information about the baby's parentage.
He knew logically that her only reason for doing so was their current relationship and that she didn't feel the need to know the baby's true parentage when they both intended to move forward as if the baby hadn't been fathered by another man. He knew this shouldn't bother him in light of her reasoning, but now that he knew the child was his, he was devastated that a scenario could have played out where he'd have been none the wiser. He knew it shouldn't matter; in either scenario, he would be the only father the child would ever know, but the knowledge that he and Hermione had created this life together in the heat of their passions without even knowing who the other was, it changed him somehow.
He was also irate with himself that he hadn't even though to ask the young woman that night whether she'd taken any precautions to prevent a pregnancy...he'd simply assumed, despite his years instructing the young men in Slytherin that they should never assume such things and always burden themselves with that particular responsibility. Even after Hermione had originally shared the news of the pregnancy, he'd never even thought to be concerned that a similar situation could have transpired between himself and the woman he'd been with that night. Although he'd put the young woman out of his mind once he and Hermione started to realize the feelings they shared for one another, he was stunned that he could so easily forget what he'd shared that night with her.
Even knowing that it had been Hermione didn't assuage the guild he felt that he'd never sought out the woman he'd been with and hadn't concerned himself with the potential repercussions of what they'd done. Not to mention, he hadn't even told Hermione that he had been similarly entranced by another just before the start of term. Would she be as receptive that he had been with someone else, even if that someone had unknowingly been her, so soon before they'd come to mean so much to one another? Would her confidence in the bond they shared suffer knowing there had been another woman?
He tried to convince himself that the connection he felt with in the club was only present because that woman was in fact Hermione. Even as he unknowingly pursued her, he was attracted by so many of the qualities he loved in Hermione. If it hadn't been his witch, things would never have progressed so far in the first place because he'd never felt so strongly about anyone. Self-consciously, however, he wondered whether the could ever be another that would lead him astray from Hermione. Of course he would never want to do such a thing to her, but the question plagued him for several minutes, wondering if he even deserved a woman like her when he could so easily forget what they'd shared before he'd become aware she was actually the woman he'd met that night.
Severus pinched the bridge of his nose and rubbed away the tension as he tried to envision the best way to proceed. This was all terribly confusing, and if he was honest with himself, he was over-complicating the situation far more than was necessary. He felt, however, he could benefit from an outside perspective on the matter to help him realign his thoughts. Rising from his place on the sofa, Severus strode quietly to the library and knocked gently on the door which Hermione had left ajar so as not to startle her. Hermione replaced her quill in the ink-pot and turned toward the sound. "Oh! Severus! I'm sorry, I seem to have gotten caught up in attempting to gather information about the study. I'm sure you're probably starving. I can come back to this later if you want to..."
Severus held up a hand to stop her as he interrupted gently, "It's quite alright, Hermione. No need to stop on my account. I just wanted to inform you I have some business I needed to attend to in my office and will be held up in there for a few minutes. I just wanted to ensure you knew where I'd gone once you were finished." He returned her warm smile before he turned toward the door adjoining his office and their quarters.
"I should only be a few more minutes, and then we can have the elves deliver some dinner. I'm famished!" she called after him.
He hardly registered her response as he strode through the doorway, closing the heavy door behind him warding it against any noise and waiving his hand toward the castle's primary entrance to his office to prevent any of the professors or other students from entering and overhearing the forthcoming conversation. Stepping toward the wall of portraits, he signaled for the attention of the man who'd come the closest to acting as a father figure during Severus's time as a professor.
In the years following his death, Severus had gone through a gamut of emotions ranging from sadness, to rage, to acceptance at what Dumbledore had forced upon him at the end of the war. During Severus's year-long stint as headmaster during what would have been Hermione's final year as a student, he'd virtually ignored his presence in spite of the numerous times Dumbledore's portrait had attempted to engage him in conversation. When he'd re-assumed the position after Voldemort had been defeated, the first few months had punctuated by many arguments between himself and the portrait during which he'd mostly shouted at the older wizard while portrait-Albus had nodded and accepted the anger directed at him for how he'd burdened the younger man and taken advantage of his affection for a childhood friend.
Once Severus had thoroughly expressed his ire for everything that had occurred, he had been able to appreciate the experience and sage advice the former headmaster could offer, even if Severus did take it with a healthy dose of perspective about the way he'd manipulated those around him during his life. Although he was reluctant to share this new conundrum involving his personal life, he knew he could count on the portrait's confidence as all the portraits of Hogwarts's former headmasters were imbued with the assurance of secrecy within their magic, so Severus could be guaranteed the old man's confidence in this matter.
"Good Evening, Severus." Albus acknowledged. "It's good to see you my boy."
"You know I hate it when you do that Albus." Severus grumbled his displeasure at Dumbledore using any such terms of endearment when referring to him. He recognized this as a disarming tactic, and he hated feeling as though he were still being manipulated by the elder wizard.
"I know it's difficult for you to understand given everything that happened in the end, but I did always consider you to be like a son to me." Albus replied with a familiar twinkle in his eye.
Rolling his own eyes in annoyance, Severus proceeded to share the story of his entire relationship thus far with Hermione and what he had just discovered earlier that morning. Dumbledore listened quietly, occasionally nodding or stroking his beard in consideration of the situation as Severus spoke. Once it was clear Severus had finished his explanation, Albus asked simply, "And what is it that you want to do Severus? It's apparent you're very conflicted on how this information came to light, but I don't think anything will be resolved by continuing to fret about it."
"I just want to tell her!" Severus exclaimed as he paced back and forth distractedly in front of the portrait. "I just want her to know everything, but she doesn't even know there was anyone else except her, regardless of how everything has turned out now..."
He stopped suddenly as he heard a sharp intake of breath behind him and turned to see Hermione standing in the door connecting his office to their quarters, her eyes swimming with tears. Realizing she'd likely only heard a portion of their conversation and may have gotten the wrong idea, he froze momentarily attempting to figure how long she had been there and how he could even begin to explain everything.
As he scrambled to gather his thoughts, Hermione, unable to bear what she assumed would be excuses and misdirection in light of what she'd just heard, simply mumbled, "Of all the things I've ever worried about with everything that's happened between us, I never expected you to lie to me, Severus." Wiping away her tears, she backed into their quarters, closing the heavy door behind her.
Severus quickly rushed after her, and found that she hadn't only latched, but also bolted the door. "Shit..." he uttered as he ran a hand through his hair, attempting to figure out what he should do next.
"You'll have to tell her everything, my boy," Albus suggested, reminding Severus that he hadn't yet received any advice on the subject from his mentor, "but I would allow her some time to cool her head before you do." Severus nodded thoughtfully in agreement. It certainly looked like he would be spending the duration of the night in his office, and although he was distressed that Hermione had been so upset, he acknowledged the time to gather his own thoughts might be beneficial. Transfiguring his chair into a chaise lounge to substitute for a bed, Severus reclined distractedly as he plotted how he could best explain himself and this entire situation to his beloved.
A/N: You can always rely on Severus to fall back on overthinking everything and getting himself into trouble. As someone who faced my fair share of bullies in life, I know there are certain situations where I overthink the actions of those around me, assuming something may have been intentionally hurtful when it was merely an oversight or miscommunication. I think Severus would constantly battle with himself on this given the extent of the emotional and physical abuse he faced both at the hands of his family and his peers. Once his only 'safe space' (his friendship with Lily) was taken from him, I think he would struggle throughout life to not make assumptions regarding intent or view things from the perspective of a victim. I also think burying his emotions behind Occlumency shields would have further exacerbated the problem, but like to assume as he engaged in that practice less, he would become more mature and practiced at analyzing his emotions.
The big question now is that whether he'll be able to explain all of this to Hermione sooner rather than later and allow himself to be emotionally vulnerable about this with her once she understands the true context of the situation.
How's everyone holding up in quarantine? So far the hubby and I are both symptom-free, although we've heard about more suspected cases on his unit before he'd transitioned to working from home permanently for the foreseeable future. How's everyone doing being stuck with your partner/roomate/child(ren)/pets on a 24/7 basis? We're actually really happy to be home together, although we've spent a lot of time around one another when I was going through cancer treatments-it's really hard for us to get tired of each other. Our puppy is getting so much more spoiled though having us both here all the time!
I'm glad a lot of you seem to be enjoying the story so far and it seems to be taking your minds off all the craziness happening in the world right now. Please keep following/favorite-ing/reviewing the story. Even if I don't respond to them all, I do read every single one and hearing from you all gives me so much motivation to write that much more quickly! I hope you all and all of your families are staying safe and healthy during these trying times!
I'm hoping to have at least one more update this week (probably on Friday or Saturday) so keep your eyes peeled for another chapter around that time!
