Darkness.

Creaking.

The spark of a match before a candle.

"Most people would just turn on the lights," Sakura said.

"Not in the movies," Jon said.

"Uh, yeah. If the power is working."

"But then it ain't spooky."

"That's fucking stupid."

"Why do you have to ruin my fun, Sakura?" Jon asked. He flicked a piece of plastic and heard a light snap. The sight of Sasuke's illuminated room made his heart jump.

"It's Lily," Sakura said.

Jon glanced over to her. She was moving a toothpick up and down between her teeth. Always with the toothpicks. "Yuri," he said.

Sakura raised a brow. Then her eyes went wide for a second. "Right, right," she said. She pulled down the sunglasses that she definitely had always worn. Her emerald eyes peered over them, and she shifted the toothpick to the other side of her mouth, presumably with her tongue. "So, what exactly are we looking for? The place has been searched already."

"Sometimes it's what you don't find that counts," Jon said, then paused dramatically. "I'll know when I know," he said epically coolly.

"That's a stupid thing to say."

"Wrong," he said, wagging his finger, "it's the best thing to say. Always. So deep. Deep as my sexy Uchiha eyes."

Sakura pushed her sunglasses back up, via the bridge of them. "We've got work to do," she said, "we can do the sex later."

Jon was already heading towards a dresser. He wasn't really listening to Sakura. He had shit to do. "Panties. Lots of panties. Only panties," he said.

"Yeah, well, I know you two are like a thing, but don't go getting any perverted ideas," Sakura said while appearing by Jon's side.

Jon shook his head. "It's evidence."

"Of what? That he took all his boxers?"

"No, I don't think he wears those," Jon said, tapping his cheek. He made a clicking sound.

"Ok. So, what?" Sakura asked. "Damn, these are silky expensive."

"I know, right?" Jon said, shutting the drawer. "Haruno, it means she didn't leave by choice. Or in the least, was in a hurry—not planned."

"Lily," Sakura said. She took out a lighter and lit her toothpick. "What now?"

"Yuri."

"Right, right."

"Now, Haruno," Jon said, taking out a file folder from inside his black suit jacket, "we look over her file and try to figure out any places of interest—where she'd run to. Hopefully that'll be it."

"Yuri."

"Cut the crap, Sakura."

"It's my name!"

"Oh, please," Jon said with a condescending look on his face and shake of the head.

"No, Craig, I mean it," Sakura said, glancing away. Craig felt the pain on her face. "I'm really seeing a psychiatrist."

"Oh. Oh, Sam, I didn't know."

"It's alright. I didn't know how to bring it up, you know? After the first show ended, I sort of lost purpose. Blew my money on drugs and alcohol, and lost touch with reality."

"Been there. Thought I was in WWII myself."

Suddenly, Uchiha Jon went back into character. He walked towards a window, every stride filled with a melancholy thump. Dust from the windowsill. A thin layer. Maybe a week old. Sasuke was always the neat one. "This was his favorite window…to be pushed out of," Jon said, voice quivering.

"Jon," Sakura said.

Jon felt pressure on his shoulder. He sucked up some snot and wiped his eyes, shaking his head. "He was the best gosh damn fuck boy there ever was," he said.

"No, Jon," Sakura said, "he is the best gosh damn fuck boy. A great fuck boy. And we're going to get him back, Jon. I promise." She felt warm around him.

"But what if…what if we don't?" Jon asked. He felt himself being tugged one way until he was looking into green eyes.

"Jon. You're the best damn detective I've ever known." A small smile.

A small sigh escaped Jon's lips. "And that's why you're my favorite, Detective Haruno," he said.

"Yuri is all you need," Sakura said warmly. She brushed a thumb underneath Jon's eye. "You've got the manliest tears."

"And you've got a vagina."

"I do!"

They kissed and then did sex. It was something.

Next time on Uchiha Jon 2: This Time It's Serious:

Suddenly, there was a sudden knock at the door. Rap rap rap it went. Then there was a great big awesome whirl of smoke and blue wind and shit and then bam it all cleared and right there was mother fucking Naruto.

"Oh my gosh," Jon said, rolling his eyes. "That was actually kinda cool," he muttered. "What do you want, shitboy?" he asked.

"Nice to see you too, Jon," Naruto said. The grit of his teeth sound was annoying and twitchy. "But it's Sir Master Hokage. To you."

"Hokage?" The quickness and softness to which the words came from Jon's lips have no words. He turned to Sakura. "Is this for real?"

Sakura glanced away.

"Uh, do you not see the hat? And the cape?" Naruto asked rhetorically like a fucking asshole.

"Oh, I see it," Jon said epically, "I am just not about to believe it."

Naruto grit his teeth more, and clenched his face with his hand.

"I leave and they make this…this idiot…Hokage?! You don't even know how to wipe your own ass!"

Naruto tisked and looked away, sharply, towards the floor. "I have since figured it out," he said.

"Oh, good for you. What'd it take you, twenty years?"

Naruto stepped towards Jon. "Look, Jon, I'm not here to talk about my ass cleaning habits," Naruto said. "I'm here because you're a loose Chidori Gun."

"That's fucking stupid. Only I have Chidori Guns. Why would that ever be a metaphor?"

"Because you got drunk one day and changed a shit ton of sayings! Speaking of the stupid laws you made, I have half a mind to take your badge for all the lives you cost in that Clean Streets Initiative bullshit you pulled!"

"Oh, piss off, virgin," Jon muttered.

"I am NOT a virgin! Just ask Sakura!"

The blood in Jon's face evaporated. His head started twitching and he slowly turned towards Sakura. "Say it isn't true," Jon said, "tell me you didn't sleep with this, this, shithand!"

Jon couldn't see behind Sakura's sunglasses, but he could tell she wasn't peering into his sexy Uchiha soul balls.

Jon vomited awesomely all over Naruto, which in turn made Naruto vomit, but much worst and all over himself.

"It was one time," Sakura said, "I was drunk. Lonely. He was there."

"I was there, and I had figured out how to wipe," Naruto said.

"Yeah, bullshit, Naruto. You may have told everyone that, but I know better. Now."

Naruto looked up at Sakura from his place on the floor in his vomit. He had one hand down on the floor and the other on his knee. "You promised."

"Yeah, well, you promised you had learned to wipe your ass and to never tell anyone about my mistake."

"Oh, gosh damn," Jon moaned, wiping his mouth. "You fucking asshole, Naruto. You lied to Sakura-chan just to get your dick wet!"

"Get my dick wet?" Naruto asked, blinking. The two had become a bit composed.

"Jon, come here," Sakura said.

He did that. "What is it, Lily?" he asked.

"You see, Naruto is a dumb orphan and shit. I told him we had sex, but really, we just touched bellybuttons. He doesn't know any better, but it means the world to him, so just let him go on thinking that."

Jon looked at Sakura for a while, panting a little from all the projectiles he just loosed. "Oh, thank gosh," he finally said. Then he chuckled. "That fucking idiot."

"I feel really bad for him."

"Yeah, but he's like…hopeless. How the hell did he get elected Hokage?"

"He started a campaign against Big Tobacco," Sakura said. "He claimed it was their fault he said 'believe it' all the time, and that no chick wanted any of that, which is true. Unfortunately for the town, Big Tobacco, as you know, is owned by the Hokage."

"Thanks, Third."

"RIP."

"RIP."

"Anyhow," Sakura continued, "we couldn't afford to pay him off so we made him Hokage instead."

"Corruption at its finest."

Just then, there was another knock at the door!

It was…HINATA!

"I'll be representing Uchiha Jon in the trial of Shithands vs. Uchiha Jon," Hinata said. She was looking like a lawyer. Cause she is.

"Okay, good," Naruto said, "then let's get this case going!"

"What's going on?" Jon asked. "Since when was I being charged?"

"I'll be asking the questions," Naruto said.

"Sakura?" Hinata asked. She started to walk towards Sakura, then picked up the pace. "Where have you been?"

Sakura didn't show it, but she looked bewildered. "Uh…here?" she said.

"Sakura? Where's your ring?"

"What? And it's Yuri, by the way."

"Oh…Oh. K." Hinata said. She looked sad, but Jon couldn't see that until Hinata turned towards him and Naruto, but then the sad was gone. "Anyhow, you have no case, Naruto! The entire village elected Jon based on his plan and he did his plan! Case closed!"

Next time on Uchiha Jon 2: This Time It's Serious:

Jon does stuff. And so do other people.