Kuon: Past

Not a day goes by when I don't think of what could have happened had I not been there that morning. I didn't want to go to my hotel room and be alone after the party. I wanted to be near Kyouko. I wanted to wash away all my guilt and my shame. So, I went to the place where we played as children and stayed up all night wishing she was there. She was the one who believed in magic but that night I had been praying for whatever power brought us together in the first place to bring her back to me. I thought all the magic must have gone from the world until dawn came and she walked out of the trees. I hid behind a tree afraid that she would run if she saw me.

She looked wrong. My heartbeat skipped in fear. My pulse sped up as I watched her walked straight into the water and her hand was holding her head down. I couldn't believe what I was seeing, and I couldn't let it continue to happen. She screamed when I grabbed her. Her hands punched at me and her legs kicked. Her screams broke my heart more than her blows could ever hurt me.

She was screaming at me to stop. Please stop. Over and over. I held her tight letting her hit me and whispering to her that I was sorry. Eventually she calmed down and sobbed in my arms.

"Kuon, it hurts." She said curling against me and closing her eyes.

"I know baby. I'm so sorry but please punish me in another way. Hurt me not yourself." I begged rubbing her back.

Kyouko came home after I pulled her out of the water. I couldn't believe that she had tried to drown herself. It was all my fault. I had cheated on her with her best friend. I drove her to Fuwa, and he did what he does best. The selfish arrogant fool took what he wanted without any concern for anyone else.

I didn't know that at first though. When she came home, she said nothing about that night. At first, she refused to eat, and she would pace around her room instead of sleeping. I didn't sleep either. I was too afraid she would hurt herself if I took my eyes off her. She refused to talk to me, and I couldn't think of anything to say other than how sorry I was. The days past us by and eventually I coaxed her into eating. Toast at first and water. Soon she was ordering her own room service and permitting me to sit with her as she ate.

It took some time but eventually we found a sort of peace. She would curl up beside me in bed after she thought I was asleep. She would accompany me to work and cling to my side. Maybe I was the arrogant selfish fool for not noticing how much pain she was in during that time. I used to think that no matter what I would always choose Kyouko. That I would give her anything and do whatever it took to make her happy. There was nothing she could do that would make me stop loving her.

Then I walked in on her in the bathroom. Her eyes were fixed on a tiny plastic applicator.

"Whose baby is it?" I screamed not caring how small and breakable she looked. "Who the fuck did you fuck, Kyouko? Cause it sure as hell wasn't me. I've been denied the smallest of touches from you while you've apparently been spreading your legs for god knows how many men! Or was it just Fuwa?"

Kyouko was on the floor crying but I wasn't done yelling. I didn't care if it made me a hypocrite or if I sounded like a misogynistic pig. She was mine and she had let someone else touch her. Some other man had heard her cry of ecstasy. Another man had been inside of her and left his child growing in her womb.

"Who the fuck was it!" My fist smashed into the wall. I wasn't hitting her, in my mind I was hitting Fuwa.

Looking down at her crying on the floor with drywall in her hair I felt ashamed. Everything in me told me to swoop down and be her fairy prince. I wanted to wrap her in my arms and tell her that it would all be ok. I wanted to make it ok for both of us. I turned and walked away from her. Ignoring the throbbing pain in my hand and her pleas for me to come back. I went to my room and got dressed. She was by the door by the time I was putting on my shoes.

"Where are you going?" She asked sounding like a shadow of the girl I loved.

"What do you care?" I said looming over her.

"You're my husband and you're leaving in the middle of the night. We need to talk about this." She said and she was probably right. I should have talked to her about it. She needed me in that moment, but I couldn't be bothered to see the whole picture. She was shaking and crying but my mind was too filled with rage to care. I looked at her but all I could see was Fuwa and his smug grin.

"I'm your husband? That's funny I thought I was the man you refused to let touch you. Why don't you go find Fuwa and tell him he's going to be a father?" I seethed. All I saw was her betrayal and my pride wouldn't let me see the truth. "Maybe I'll call Kotonami-san. I'd like to get an answer to your question, maybe she was worth it, and I just can't remember."

"Why don't you just go to a local high school and find your next wife?" She screamed back and for a moment I saw a glimpse of my Kyouko. There was still some fight in her.

I moved towards her and she flinched back. Frightened eyes reflected my angry face back at me and I was disgusted with myself.

"Whatever Kyouko, I'm done. Go find Fuwa and see how fast he runs from the responsibility of a baby."

I walked out with her calling my name. I was too stupid to hear the pain in her voice. My baby had been taken from me and my wife had distanced herself from me. Selfishly I thought it was a cruel twist of fate that life had delivered me my wife back to me carrying another man's baby.

I didn't go to see Kotonami-san. That was a mistake I never wanted to make again. I had no intention of finding a new wife anywhere let alone at a high school. There was only one woman I wanted to talk to and lucky for me she was in the area under the guise of work though I knew she was really in Japan to bother Kyouko and me.

"Thanks for coming out so late." I said when my mother sat in the chair across from me.

"Of course, Kuon, you're my son. Where is my beautiful daughter-in-law?" I tried to smile at her, but her mention of my wife made me clench my fists. "Is she alright?"

I placed a hand over hers to settle her nerves. "Kyouko…" I started to say she had slept with Fuwa, but I didn't know if that was true. My mouth struggled to form the words, 'she cheated.' 'she lied.' I bit my tongue. My mother loved Kyouko and I couldn't bear the thought of that love turning to hate.

"Kuon what is it? You're scaring me. Is she alright? Take me to her." I squeezed the hand beneath mine wishing my mother was normal. All my life I had been calming her nerves, but I needed someone to take care of me for once.

"She's pregnant." I finally said. There was no way I could tell Julie the truth and have her demand I divorce Kyouko. Who else did Kyouko have left to run to? I vowed then and there that I would not abandon her.

"Kuon that's great! Why would you scare me like that? I thought something had happened to her. Ooh it's so exciting. I'll help out of course and this time nothing bad will happen." She paused to look at me. "Is that why you're so glum? Kuon you can't live your life afraid of all the bad possibilities. I promise that your father and I will be here to look after her this time. If she's not with you she'll be with us. Oh, my dearest girl will need a whole new wardrobe. I know she'll be absolutely glowing with her nice round belly again."

Julie spent the better part of an hour praising me for a job well done. I acted like a happy husband and soon to be father. I acted like my heart wasn't broken. I was acting and my own mother hadn't even noticed.

I trudged back into our apartment hoping Kyouko would have left but also wishing she would forgive me for storming out. She wasn't by the door waiting to welcome me home. Those happy days of greeting one another at the door were long gone. But her shoes were still there. That both eased my heart and wreaked havoc on my nerves. Julie had sent me off with a bouquet of roses and a teddy bear with instructions to apologize for leaving. I tossed both in the trash and waited for her to come out so we could continue our fight. There were so many harsh words I had left to say. Too many cruel questions swimming in my head for me to ask for forgiveness or to forgive her.

Kyouko never came out. The seconds ticked by increasing my anxiety. I kept seeing her plunging her own head beneath the water. I could hear her begging someone to stop. Please stop. My heart stopped as I finally connected the dots and I ran to the bathroom. There she was; my beautiful princess scrubbing her skin raw. Steam was rising from the tub, but she didn't appear to feel the heat.

"Kyouko!" I rushed over to take her hands in mine. Despite the scalding water she was freezing. She shivered and cried out trying to pull away from me. "Kyouko it's me. Oh, my sweet girl."

"Stop! Please stop!" Over and over at the top of her lungs. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

"Shh." I pulled her in close keeping her hands from causing herself further injury and I whispered in her ear. My words were mostly nonsense meant to soothe my own nerves as I waited for her to tire herself out.

"Kuon I want him out of me. Please can we just cut him out." Were her last drowsy words before she closed her eyes and settled herself in my arms.

"I'll make you an appointment in the morning." I said kissing her head. There was a strange calm that settled over us as we decided to terminate the pregnancy.

I cleaned her up and dried her off. After pulling her pajamas on her I lead her to our bed where we laid for what felt like hours until her eyes drifted closed. She didn't wake again for another day and a half. I watched over her anxiously as she lay still in bed. When her eyes opened, she greeted me with confusion. I offered to set up an appointment again, but she scrunched her face as if to ask what I meant. I still don't quite understand what was wrong with her during the pregnancy. Some days she was lucid and all the events that had led up to her being pregnant were clear in her mind. Other days she had convinced herself that the baby inside of her was still Nika. It was as though her brain had erased all the bad things from her memory.

Then little Ren was born, and she could no longer deny the truth. She had his eyes. It was Fuwa's face haunting us and everyone could see it.

A/N: I didn't want to post this chapter but it's been done for a week and I needed to get it out sometime. I identify more closely with Kuon and it paints him in a not so pretty light. He is human though and humans very rarely see past their own egos and pride to the real picture until it's too late. I changed a couple things he did and said from what happened in my nightmare because I wanted a happier less tainted ending.