Chapter 20

Damon's face appeared blank as his stare fixated on the doors, a constant reminder of the barrier between his mind and reality. He couldn't tell whether it had been ten minutes or days since Elena had left, but that didn't matter. It's not like he tried to stop her, and even if he did, she wouldn't have listened anyway. The choice was already made, and it wasn't him.

The dark humour within him searched for an appropriate reaction to all of this, as he contemplated on whether he should be laughing or crying at the cruel twist of fate. It seemed like a couple of moments ago, Elena was falling asleep in his arms, declaring her endless love, kissing him senseless. And that's how he envisioned their life together, with nothing getting in the way. But oh, just how was he proven wrong, when within a split second the love of his life walked out the door with tears streaming down her face.

Damon sighed, still feeling numb as he dragged himself back up on his feet, heading towards the mini bar. The perfect stash stood untouched for a while, hidden away for days like this. Before Elena had stormed into his life, he would indulge in alcohol at a different club almost every night, accompanied by Alaric or Enzo and by the end of each night he would usually find himself tangled in someone else's bed sheets. Despite all the women he had encountered in all the thirty years of his life, Damon was yet to meet a woman that would captivate him, one that he would want to entirely give himself to.

And recently life had him thinking that he finally found her. But now the only thing that haunted his mind was the possibility of it all being a facade, a mistake. Because how else could it have been so easy for Elena to walk out of his life. Did their relationship even mean anything? Was he just some sort of a consolation prize? He hated to even entertain those thoughts. Maybe she wasn't good with putting her feelings out on the front line, but the way her body reacted to him, the way her eyes smiled at him, that spoke volumes. It had to mean something.

Perhaps he was so drunk on her, that his mind fed him all these illusions, keeping him at a constant high. Yeah, that felt like an accurate comparison. He was like a drug addict coming down from a high, only this time he could no longer indulge and savour in the moment, because he knew that there was nothing waiting for him once he got down.

Damon reached for the top cabinet in search of a glass, and instead his eyes landed on the pink coffee mug cosied up right next to his. The knot in his stomach instantly tightened, reminding him that it never really left. He swallowed hard as he grabbed the glass that he initially wanted and slammed the cabinet doors shut. All that encircled his mind was the dwelling realisation that Elena would never again parade into his kitchen wearing his unbuttoned shirt, with her hair still wet, carrying that stupid pink mug filled with steaming hot coffee that he brewed for her whilst she was still in the shower.

Stupid, huh? So damn stupid. He finally tipped over a bottle of his favourite bourbon, and watched the dark brown liquid slowly flow into the glass. This wasn't going to be the only glass tonight, that much he knew already. His lips traced along the tip of the glass, and he then proceeded to gulp down all its content in one smooth motion. The bittersweet taste washed over him, and all he wished for was for it all to just go away.

The confusion, the pain, the anger, the stupid and useless feelings of hope that haunted him every time that he found her hair tie on the floor, or the way her sweet jasmine scent still lingered on the bedsheets, even after he washed them.

Maybe if he knew what it was all for, maybe then he could accept things and move on. But right now, he couldn't. He needed to understand how the one thing that he had done wrong was accept the turn of events. Did she want him to offer her a way out of it all? To freak out like the worst thing in the world has happened. Because clearly the blind desire, the need to be with her was not enough.

He cursed himself for feeling the anger that was yet to evaporate, and he strongly doubted that it would. Elena was making the choice for him, acting like he wasn't capable of making a decision, when in fact he had already made one. He knew that he wanted to be with her, and if that meant not getting the chance to be a father, then he would be okay with it. At least that was what he thought at the time.

But he also couldn't deny that there was some confusion in him, maybe even some self-doubt. She threw him off with the question of 'what if' and the vision of what he might want or regret in the future. Honestly, it terrified him to think that one of those days he would feel anything but love for Elena. That he would want anything other than to spend the rest of his life with her. But could he wake up one day, when it would be all too late and hate her for taking that option away from him? It was hard for him to even begin to envision that, but Elena seemed to have no problem in doing so.


No more messages. No more missed calls. No knocks on the door.

She knew it was horrible to treat Damon that way, and only God knew how much she had wanted to reach out to him. There was nothing easy about this. It felt like she hadn't stopped crying since she walked out of his apartment. She didn't even remember how she made her way home, all that she could remember was the constant heartache that followed in suit. And she deserved every second of the drilling pain.

Elena laid in her empty, unfamiliar bed staring at the ceiling, contemplating on how this emptiness would now become her norm. All that she would now encounter would be an empty bedroom, an empty home. And she wasn't going to fool herself, the deafening silence would not become her solace in all of this. Nothing good could ever stem from the absence of Damon.

With a hefty sigh she dared to look at her phone screen for what felt like the hundredth time, only to find the old pile of messages from Bonnie. Some missed calls, but nothing new aside from that. Nothing that would make her feel that familiar twitch inside.

Her phone buzzed again, and Bonnie's name once again popped up on the screen. The mere thought of speaking to anybody sent a wave of anxiety over Elena, but she knew that Bonnie wasn't going away any time soon. Sooner or later she would have to break the silence.

"Hey." Her voice cracked a little as she picked up reluctantly.

"Elena, I swear I will murder you!" Bonnie shouted down the phone, she sounded mad but also relieved to finally hear Elena's voice. "I'm standing outside your door right now, and you better open it cause I'm not going away until you talk to me."

Elena sighed, knowing this wasn't up for a debate. "One sec." She hung up, throwing the phone under the pile of pillows as she scrambled out of the bed.

It was the first time she'd been out of her bed... Well, in a while.

Looking down at her scruffy sweatpants and the worn-out t-shirt, she figured she should probably change, but there weren't any fucks that she could find to give right now. Most of her clothes weren't even there and she would probably never find the courage to collect her stuff from Damon's place.

Putting on a brave face, she pressed her hand tightly on the cold metal door handle and barely pushed the door open, when Bonnie's petite figure pushed her way through. She looked at her with eager eyes that immediately began to study Elena, and the mess that her home had recently turned into.

"Are you okay? I was sick worried about you!" Bonne's arms wrapped tightly around Elena long before the words left her lips.

Elena shut her eyes, sinking into the hug. "I'm sorry, I just needed to be alone for a while."

"I get that, but texting me saying 'not pregnant, broke up with Damon' and then ghosting me was a really stupid idea." She frowned annoyed, foregoing any attempts at dodging the touchy subject.

Well, when she put it like that it really did sound like a lame idea.

Elena shrugged her shoulders, "You asked what happened, and precisely, that is exactly what happened." She answered bluntly and walked off into the lounge.

That, and she had successfully managed to smash her heart into pieces. It was either her own wrongdoing or the universe acting up, that was the only conclusion she had come to in the last couple of days.

Bonnie was taken back by her shortness, and honestly, this wasn't the state that she expected to find her. Elena was strong, she never let herself get defeated like that. Did they miss how Damon became the glue to her life, keeping it all well and together? She sighed worriedly and followed her into the lounge.

The short walk through the hall served as a cold reminder of how everything seemed to fall apart in just a matter of a few seconds. It wasn't too long ago that they were all here, goofing around and eating pizza, all whilst helping Elena pack her stuff to move in with Damon.

Bonnie sat down on the edge of the sofa, starting off uneasily. "I just don't get it, everything was perfectly fine at the wedding, we talked and you were still in love with Damon, ready to tell him that you might be expecting... What happened?" The question trailed off towards the end.

"I am in love with Damon." Elena corrected, shuddering at the thought that anyone could ever think anything different. "But we can't be together, because I can't give him what he wants." She swallowed; her voice strained with emotions.

"You mean you can't give him a baby?" She looked at her sympathetically.

"I guess that's what it came down to." She replied tiredly, wrapping both arms around her knees.

"Is that what he told you?" Bonnie pondered over the possibility but knowing her best friend all too well it seemed unlikely.

Elena gave her the brunette a telling look and shook her head. "Of course not. He would never hurt me like that, but Bonnie, I felt his disappointment at my relief."

She sighed. "So, I take it you weren't exactly happy with being pregnant after all."

Elena sighed, focusing her vision on the view outside. "When you and I spoke, and we thought that I could have been pregnant, it kind of made me feel excited. And it wasn't just the possibility of having a baby, it was the fact that Damon and I would be connected, forever. In the most intimate, personal way any two people could ever be connected. No matter what happened between us, we would always share this together. And I was convinced that I wanted it."

Each word felt like a knife stabbing her in the chest, as this would have been the perfect happy ending that they both deserved, if only things were as simple as that.

"Until I was faced with the possibility of it being true, and all I could see was the pain, the loss, the crippling fear, everything else that happened the last time I was expecting. And I hated it, I didn't want it anymore." She confessed with tears trailing down her face. "It's been so long since that happened and look at how badly I put back all the pieces together. How fucked up I still am to this day. I don't think I could ever go through anything like that again. I could never live with myself if I ruined Damon the way I ruined Elijah."

"Oh Lena," Bonnie scooted over to her, hugging her again and resting her head against Elena's shoulder. "I think you both love each other very much, and you're absolutely miserable without each other. I mean, Damon's practically a wreck, and clearly you aren't doing any better. Don't you think that this is the thing that could actually ruin him?"

"Letting him go was the best thing I could have done for him, Bonnie." She added painfully. "He's the best man that I've ever met, he deserves to be with someone who is stable, able to give him happiness."

"And that's exactly the kind of person that you are. I may not say it often enough, but you are the strongest person I know." Bonnie offered wholeheartedly, with a small smile. "You've literally been through a shit storm, you managed to move on from the fact that you lost your baby. You called off an engagement to go after your own happiness, despite all the obstacles and the pain that you carried with you all this time. You managed to turn things around when most people would have given up, so please, stop saying that you're weak or incapable."

"You really think so?"

"Hell yeah, we all do!" She exclaimed happily. "And I know I wasn't the biggest fan of you and Damon at the start but seeing you guys together changed everything. The way he is with you or how you always light up whenever he's around. You've always wanted to find your place on earth, and I think he is just that for you."

Bonnie was right. All this time she was searching for a place that she could call home, and she found it in him, only to throw it away when things got rough. All this time she'd been oblivious to the fact that Damon was her home.

"I need to see him." Elena announced with wide eyes, as she grumbled off the sofa, wiping the tears from her face.

"Finally! I knew I could make you come to your senses." A huge grin appeared on Bonnie's face, as she jumped back up on her feet. "Do you want me to drop you off there?"

"Yeah, that would be great." She remarked in a haze, a little dizzy from the sudden quick movement. Was she really doing this?

"Wait, you should probably take a shower before we go." Bonnie suggested, pushing her towards the bathroom. "You haven't been looking great these days."

"Well, thanks for the vote of confidence Bon." She replied sarcastically, furrowing her brows. But as she caught a glimpse of her reflection in the bathroom mirror, she couldn't help but see alike. "Who am I kidding, you're right."

'I'm always right." Bonnie rolled her eyes, shutting the bathroom door. "

The refreshing hot shower really helped put things into perspective, and she finally felt alive for the first time in a while. All this time she'd been sleeping on the things that were right in front of - maybe things wouldn't be easy, but who was she to question Damon's choices? He knew what he wanted, and she desperately wanted him back. They could work on their issues, as long as they were together.

Elena slid on a pair of jeans and a plain t-shirt, the only things in her temporary closet that were clean and presentable. She threw her wet hair in a bun, not wanting to waste any more time on getting ready. She needed to see Damon right now and make things okay between them, if he'd let her.

"Gosh, what have you been eating these days? There's not a single food product in this place." She called out from the kitchen, rummaging through the cupboards. It looked like a ghost house, there was no other explanation for it.

Elena entered the kitchen, ready to leave. "Not much I guess; it wasn't really my top priority."

"Let's hope you won't be left feeling hungry for too long then." Bonnie said with a wink, grabbing the car keys out of her bag. "Come on, let's go and save the day."


"Bonnie, what if he doesn't want to talk to me?" Elena asked nervously as they pulled up in front of Damon's place.

All this time she failed to consider the option that Damon had wanted nothing to do with her after the way she treated him. He'd have every right to shut the door on her face, but now that she woke up from being an idiot, she really needed him to take her back.

"Then I'll kick his ass." Bonnie said with a straight face, urging her to go. "Lena, you need to do this. Whatever is going on in your head right now is much worse than reality. Go knock on that door, apologise for being an idiot and make him see that you love him. But if you do need me, I'm just a call away."

She laughed and gave her a goodbye hug. "Thank you so much. For everything."

"You can thank me later. Now, go, go!"

Elena climbed out of the car, shutting the door behind her and inhaling the fresh air that she'd missed so much.

Her heart was pounding louder with each step that she took, but it felt right. It felt like after all this time, she was finally alive. Luckily, she had no issues with access to the building, as the security guy still assumed that she lived with Damon.

Despite having the keys in her bag, she settled on ringing the doorbell, and stood there waiting, slipping both hands in the back pockets of her jeans.

She heard the door open and she stilled, her breath hitching. All that she had prepared to say was now gone, as Damon stood in front of her. He looked different. A light stubborn beard covered his face, and he'd never leave it unshaved like this before. His dark raven hair appeared unruly and his eyes looked at her with a distance that felt unfamiliar.

"I'm sorry." She belted out nervously. "I'm so sorry, for being the biggest idiot in the world. For not taking your love seriously, for questioning your feelings. For giving up on us, when all you wanted to do was fight for us."

Everything inside was screaming at him to let her in, to take her into his arms, as he'd been dreaming of doing all these days. Instead he stood frozen, listening to every word that escaped her lips, taking in everything about her like she was some sort of a hallucination.

"Damon, I love you. Please, let me make this right and everything will go back to the way it was." She pleaded, not caring this made her look desperate.

There it was. The words he'd been dying to hear ever since she left. The words that gave him a bigger rush of adrenaline than any drugs or fear ever could.

"I know that you love me too, and I know I took it all for granted it before, but not anymore."

"Elena, I don't know If I can do this again." He finally broke his silence, sounding defeated. "I've lost you once, and I don't think that you understand what that did to me."

She began to tear up all over again, shaking her head in protest. "I know, because I lost you too. And it was the most stupid thing I've ever done, because I thought that I was protecting you by doing it. Now I know that I just need to love you the right way, the way that you deserve."

His heart clenched at seeing her tears, he hated to think of the pain that she suffered too.

"I can't lose you twice, Elena. I just can't." He admitted, each word coming out painfully slow. "I know that you believe in what you're saying now, but you will turn and run at some point."

"Okay, you have every right to think that. All I've done up until now was run when things hit the fan. But not anymore, Damon." She swallowed nervously. "So, let's get married. I will marry you, because I want to spend the rest of my life right by your side. Children or no children, I don't care as long as I have you."

She didn't think this through nor did she plan on saying it, but when she said those words out loud, they felt even more right. She didn't want to waste another minute and starting a life with Damon was exactly what she wanted.

"What?" Damon asked, completely shocked.

Of course, this idea has crossed his mind before, it wasn't a case of figuring it out if he wanted to marry Elena, it was always a matter of timing.

"This isn't the way I pictured it would be but fuck it Damon. Let's get married tomorrow for all I care. If you're willing to take me back."

His lips parted in awe, and he rushed over to her, grabbing her face and crashing their lips together.