Hey everyone! I'm gonna get right down to it and just apologize for how long it took to get this chapter out. In all honesty, seeing TROS ruined me for a bit. It killed all my motivation to write, along with my inspiration. My muse up and left. And it's still hard to write, but I'm getting back into it. I will never abandon a story. It just might take me a bit to get it done because life can be a struggle sometimes. I'm still writing my other fic, The Way We Breathe, and going through the motions of getting the next chapter done. Now, I know I usually answer reviews, but I am trying to get this out in time for my mom to read this for her birthday before she goes to bed. Happy birthday Mom! She has been pushing me to update the last couple of weeks and has helped me to sit down and write again. So this chapter is dedicated to my mom, who supports me in whatever I'm doing. Even writing fanfiction. lol

Thank you to all that left a review last chapter! Hearing from you guys does help to keep myself motivated! Also, the chapter hasn't been read by my beta yet, so I apologize for mistakes. There are probably a good amount. And now, since you've all been waiting, I won't keep you from the chapter any longer. Happy reading! :)

Chapter Twenty-two: You're Scared, But I'm Here

The elevator ride was tense. The silence seemed to want to crush Ben from all sides, the pressure causing his heart to race.

Rey was here. She was actually here. In the flesh. Close to him.

Why was she here?

Did something happen back at the zoo? Was BB okay? Was there something wrong with the condo? But all those things could've been talked about over the phone. Though, even if she had called him, he probably wouldn't have recognized the number. He had deleted it to refrain from giving into the temptation to call her. That urge was usually the strongest when he was in bed at night, remembering the sound of Rey moaning or the sight of her back arching or the feel of skin on skin. Then the memories would shift to quieter ones, like when he held her as she slept or did their work across from each other at the dining table.

No matter the memory, they were all haunting.

As they walked along the hallway to his room, Ben wanted to put his arm around her. Touch her. Feel that she was tangible. He refrained.

He unlocked the door with a scan of his key card, motioning for Rey to go in first. She was hesitant, but she did. He placed her carryon by the door as it closed. She was in the middle of the suite, her eyes surveying the open floor plan, like she was prolonging having to look at him.

With every passing second it was becoming more and more evident that it was torture having her here. It was the most alive he'd felt in days. And this interaction was probably going to shatter him for good, but he couldn't find it within himself to care.

He went to the left, entering the kitchen. He filled two glasses with water, placing one on the counter for her to take. She noticed the offering, giving a gentle thank you as she took it. Ben guzzled his down as Rey took little sips. She was still having a hard time looking at him, but Ben had the opposite problem. All he could do was stare.

His eyes traced over her from her hair to her feet, as if he were reacquainting himself with her... as if he hadn't seen her in ages. Her hair was pulled back into a loose ponytail, her body covered in a white V-neck, dark skinny jeans, and leather sandals. Simple, and yet so stunning.

Rey backed up so she was leaning against the square table, and for a moment, a fissure of pure lustful awareness shot through Ben. To the point that he could picture as clear as day bending her across that table and entering her from behind, being as close to her as possible. She'd be warm and tight and–

–and he really needed to stop. Those thoughts were inappropriate. He had no right to touch her anymore.

God… damn… that hurt.

Rey held onto the glass with both hands, tapping at it with her finger when she finally spoke. "How are you liking it here?"

Anxiety was quickly replacing the lust. They were going to talk to each other. This was it.

"It's paradise," Ben answered with not a hint of enthusiasm.

"The room is really nice."

"Yeah, I'm living the dream." He could tell Rey had no idea how to respond to the dry humor. He shrugged. "It's temporary until I can find something more permanent."

Rey swallowed hard and nodded. "Have you started at the zoo yet?"

"Yesterday was my first day."

"And do you like it?"

Ben pressed his lips together, puzzlement creasing his forehead. "Why are you here, Rey?"

She held his gaze for a number of moments, probably not prepared for him to be so blunt. "You look good."

His palms flattened on the cool countertop, mouth slanting into a line.

What did he say to that? Thank you? Tell her that he actually felt like shit and hadn't had a good night's sleep since their relationship imploded?

Ben settled on repeating her words back to her. "You look good, too."

She chuckled without levity. "Yeah… right. I look like a walking corpse. That's basically what I've been since… well, since I last saw you."

"That wasn't the best day," he conceded.

"It hasn't been the best week."

Rey went back to looking at the glass in her hands. With narrowed eyes, Ben focused on her – really focused on her – as if the veil in which he'd been looking through had lifted, leaving only a woman standing before him. There were dark, puffy circles under her eyes, and her cheeks had hollowed out, carving away at her once round face. She was also paler than normal, her skin far too light even though she had a tan.

He was grabbing leftovers out of the fridge before he properly realized his intent. Dumping the Chinese food onto a plate, he reheated it in the microwave.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"You need to eat something," he told her as he watched the timer countdown.

"What?"

Ben repeated himself louder so she could hear. The microwave dinged, and Ben went through the motions of bringing the food over to the table. He placed it next to her, aware of how close their bodies were. He backed up and finally lifted his gaze, seeing her wide eyes.

"I…" Rey looked at the food.

"Oh, right," Ben said, hurrying back to the kitchen and getting a fork out a drawer. He put it next to the plate… and then awkward silence ensued.

When Rey made no move to sit, Ben motioned to the plate. "It's Panda Express. I know how much you love their food."

Rey still didn't budge. "You… you ordered this? A plate of chow mein, orange chicken, and honey walnut shrimp?"

Yes… and no. When Ben found out there was a Panda Express close to the hotel, he'd gone there for dinner, under the impression that he would get his usual order of a bowl with half brown rice, half mixed veggies, and kung pao chicken. When he found himself ordering a second meal, filled with Rey's favorites, he didn't have it in him to cancel it.

He paid for both and came back to the hotel. He ate silently at the table as Rey's order remained in the bag across from him. After finishing, he just sat there and stared at it for twenty minutes, imagining that she was actually there and eating it with her usual gusto of vacuuming it into her mouth like she was expecting it to disappear at a moment's notice.

He had started crying over goddamn Panda Express.

Why was he so fucking pathetic?

"Please, just… eat, Rey."

"Only if you eat, too."

Okay, then.

Ben grabbed a protein bar from the pantry and was relieved to see that she was finally settling into the chair. He sat across from her. She didn't pick up the fork until he had taken a bite.

He could be eating a piece of cardboard for all he knew, that's how little he paid attention to what he was biting into. Ben's vision went tunnel and then some, his eyes latching onto Rey as she ate, staying put.

She glanced up, paused, then shifted her eyes back to the food. Ben was aware he was being a bit too intense with the staring, but he couldn't get himself to chill. Watching her take a bite made her somehow more real, confirming to him that yes, she was not a figment of his imagination.

Except, something was off about her.

Rey ate like she was a rabbit dosed up on muscle relaxers, nibbling at the chicken at an excruciatingly slow pace. Everything about it was so wrong, it actually annoyed him.

"That's not how you eat."

Wow… so… that really just came out of his mouth.

She looked at him, lowering the fork from her mouth. "Huh?"

"You just… you usually scarf down your food."

She put the fork down, a speared piece of orange chicken still attached to it. "I'm not that hungry."

Bullshit. Ben knew for a fact that Rey was always hungry. She loved food. He once watched her eat half of a batch of brownies within an hour after eating her weight in pad thai. She even read him a poem she wrote when she was twelve about her undying fealty to the thin mint Girl Scout cookie.

Ben opened his mouth to say something, but he ran out of gas trying to convince her to just eat a full meal. He knew how stubborn she could be.

Rey took a conservative sip from her glass. "About the letter…" she began to say, wringing her hands together on top of the table. "I'm guessing you had no idea that… that you had–"

"No." This was the part of the conversation Ben was not looking forward to. "Not till I found the letter in the den before I left that night."

"You're behavior that night makes a lot more sense."

"Yeah…."

Rey bit at her lip. "Why didn't you tell me you were Kylo Ren?" There was no accusation in her voice. It barely sounded like a question.

"I was meaning to. I was going to"–he dragged a hand through his hair–"but I wanted to give you something when I told you. Something that would… I don't know, make it all better or something."

"My portrait?"

"Yes."

Her small smile was timid. "You made me look like an angel."

His cheeks heated. "I just painted you how I see you."

"But the one you painted of yourself, it's so…."

"Not pretty? I know." Rey was about to correct him, but he steamrolled right over her. "You came all this way to talk about me being Kylo Ren?"

"No. I mean–." She adjusted her posture in the chair. "It's one of the things I wanted to talk about."

When Ben didn't make an attempt to say anything, she kept going. "I… I went to the apartment. Obviously, since I saw the painting. But I didn't go over there right away. I had everything put in storage and stayed at a hotel for a few days." Ben frowned. She had stayed at a hotel? "You, uh… you seem to be doing a lot better than I am."

"I'm not."

Rey nodded, her eyes going down to where her nail was picking at something on the table. "You at least made an effort to keep living. I… didn't. I stayed in bed, hating myself. I barely moved. Barely ate. Breathing was even difficult to do, my body ached so bad."

"Jesus, Rey."

And honestly, from what she was saying, Ben believed that she had done all those things. It would explain her appearance. He pictured her curled up in a generic hotel bed, basically lifeless, fading away. It gutted him to know that that was the state she was in all because she had dated the guy who had her brother's heart.

She shook her head slowly, rubbing her lips together. "Ben… I am so, so, so sorry for not wanting to meet you. That when I got the letter, I–"

"You don't have to apologize for that," he said as he stood and grabbed her plate, bringing it to the kitchen.

"But I do." He heard her chair scrape against the floor, but he didn't look back. He pulled saran wrap out of one of the drawers. "I'll be apologizing to you for the rest of my life for how I handled all of that. I mean, I didn't know it was you behind the letter back then." Ben covered the plate and put it in the fridge, keeping his back to her. "I never really put a face to the person who wrote to me, but… God, you were a fucking person. I should've treated you like a human being who was also in pain and who was struggling, but I didn't think about how you felt. I didn't care and it tears me apart that I didn't. I only thought of myself, and that was a horrible thing for me to do.

His hand was still clutching onto the fridge's handle, knuckles white. One by one, he loosened his fingers and turned around to face her.

Don't ask it, don't ask – "Did you blame me?"

A beat of silence.

Rey's face scrunched, as if she were fighting against the pressure of her growing emotions, not wanting them to spring free.

"Not now," she said through tight lips.

"But back then?"

"I'm so ashamed of it, Ben." Rey put her hands on the island and glanced away, like she knew she was pushing it just by being honest. "I swear to God… I've never hated myself as much as I do for how I…."

Her words were spoken softly, but they hit Ben like a bomb in his chest, ripping at his insides and halting his breath. His back rested against the fridge so he didn't have to work so hard to balance himself.

"So you did blame me," he murmured, eyes losing focus as he looked past her at the far wall.

"Fuck Rey from two years ago." The volume on her voice had gone up, surprising Ben with how passionate she suddenly became. "I needed something to blame and I took it out on you. I was a huge bitch who treated everyone like shit, all because I was hurting and wanted other people to hurt just as bad."

He shook his head and murmured, "Please, don't call yourself a bitch."

Rey slammed her palms on the counter, actually making Ben flinch. "Oh my God, stop being fucking nice to me!"

"What?"

"Why aren't you yelling at me? Why aren't you calling me out for basically leaving you and making you feel worthless? I deserve for you to call me a heartless bitch, that I don't deserve to even breathe the same air as you after what I did to you. I deserve your anger."

Shock made him blink like a fish. "I could never yell at you."

Rey let out a long groan of frustration. "But, I… I need it. I need you to… because…"

"You feel guilty," Ben finished for her.

Rey rubbed at her face, smudging a bit of her makeup around her eyes. "It's – it's eating me alive, the regret I have over blaming you for Poe dying. Over not meeting you when you wanted to meet me. I hated you. I hated you and I didn't even know you. So please, please, just… scream at me. Get red in the face. Fucking do something."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because it was my fault."

"What?" Rey gaped at him, and then frowned so hard her brows almost came together. "No... Ben it wasn't–"

"I prayed so hard not to die," he said matter of fact, trying to keep his voice even. "Like, that's all I was doing near the end. Every thought I had while being awake was just begging and praying that something would happen to save me cause I was so afraid of dying. I don't even know if I truly believe in God or not, but Rey… I really was days away from it all ending. Maybe even hours. I've told you that before, how I'd been waiting on the donor list for years. And right when it was about to be over… your brother died, and I got his heart. I'm alive and he's dead."

She looked at him with such utter sadness, that Ben wondered if what he said somehow broken her.

When there was nothing but another round of awkward silence, Rey carefully said, "I know I don't know much about God or religion, but I don't think prayer works like that."

He shrugged. "Does anyone really know how prayer actually works?"

"I mean… the Pope… maybe?"

Ben laughed a little, and then it was gone. "Well, neither of us are the Pope. So, at the end of the day, I can't prove that I'm right about prayer, but you can't prove that I'm wrong either." There was an uncomfortable pause. Then again, this conversation was rife with them. "Religion is vague, and life is fucking messy and hard. Why do people even try living anymore? What the fuck is the point? You wake up, breathe, work, eat, watch something on the TV and then repeat it all the next day. Fucking waste."

Ben realized he had rambled a little too much with how Rey was staring at him in shock. Sure, some people probably thought those same things, but voicing them was certainly against the norm.

Rey started rounding the corner of the island, coming to him. "Ben–"

He moved away to the other side. She stopped her advance. "You don't have to apologize to me anymore. I was never mad at you or anything. You had lost your brother, the last of your family, and you were grieving. I don't blame you for anything, Rey. You can leave here knowing that you didn't do anything wrong."

Rey stared at him for a moment, baffled. "You think I came all the way here just so I could clear my conscience?"

Anything more was wishful thinking on Ben's part. But at the same time, it was probably better this way.

"Consider it cleared." He felt like he was sagging in his own skin as he tried to find some kind of catharsis to this whole closing chapter of his life. Running a hand through his hair, he gave it a slight yank as he started to head toward his bedroom. "Look, I'm tired and would really like to–"

"I came here to get you back."

Ben stopped immediately, turning around. "Back to Chicago?" Had something happened back home?

"Back with me. Please, please, I miss you, Ben." Standing there, breathing deep, there was a ringing in his ears that was overwhelming. How many times had he dreamed of Rey saying that to him? That she wanted him? That she missed him? He hadn't kept count, actually. It was too painful to keep a tally on a fantasy.

Rey was still talking, and it was difficult to discern what was being spoken.

And then, a single word came out of his mouth: "No."

After having ridden a roller coaster down to hell and been given an unexpected rise back in the direction of earth with Rey's words, he hadn't expected to fling himself off of the lifeline that was being extended to him after only being on it for a grand total of three seconds.

But his response had been a defense mechanism that he understood all too clearly. Way too clearly. It was one of the reasons why being with Rey was just a dream.

Rey fell into a silence that compressed her body, made it sway till she had to put out a hand to balance herself with the back of the sofa. "No?"

He shook his head slowly, unable to repeat himself.

"But I…" her voice tapered off. "I know… I know I fucked up. I know how I treated you when I found out about the transplant was–"

"That's not why."

Rey's eyelids dropped shut for a split second. "Do you… do you not love me anymore?" Her voice cracked on the last syllable, leaving a deeper crack on his heart.

Ben worked his jaw, unable to look at her for the next part. "I loved you three days after first meeting you, I love you now, and I'll love you even if we aren't together anymore."

There was a long, tense moment, during which all Ben could feel was Rey's stare. "Then... why?"

"Because…" Ben said after a breath, mustering up the courage to shift his gaze to – yep, Rey was crying, cheeks wet and glimmering. But he had to say this, had to get it out even if he felt like he was about to pass out. "Because if we do get back together, and then two days go by, or two months, or two years, and you wake up and realize… you realize that you still blame me for Poe dying… I wouldn't be able to recover from that." His voice sounded like he already died and should be living six feet below the dirt. Felt it, too. "I… I wouldn't be able to take it."

She shook her head, sharply wiping at her cheeks. "But I don't blame you. Not anymore. I shouldn't have in the first place! That's what I'm trying to tell you."

"Right now, you don't. But what happens when it's the anniversary of the accident? What happens when it's his birthday? When something reminds you of him?"

She took a step toward him. "Then I think about him. I'll think about him and I'll miss him, but… he's dead. He's dead and he isn't coming back, but you're here and I miss you and I love you and I can't keep living my life without you." She seemed so very sincere, her eyes wide and her tone passionate. "I wake up and I'm so fucking sad and lonely and I miss your smile and your laugh and teaching me weird obscure facts about animals at one o'clock in the morning." She took a second to just look at him. "You're so beautiful; everything about you is so beautiful, Ben. You're intelligent and kind and so caring. You treat me like I'm the most precious thing in existence, and I want to do that for you. I want you to feel loved and wanted. I want to show you just how special you are, that you're worthy of being loved because you haven't done anything wrong. Living isn't a crime."

Loud voices came from the hallway as they passed the door, but damned if Ben understood what was being said. And damned if he could notice anything but Rey. Not for a blink. For a breath. For a beat of the heart.

Ben had thought he had closed the door on the whole Rey-and-him dynamic. Consigned it to the back of his mental filing cabinet, where she lingered as a memory he would open even though he knew he shouldn't.

What could he do now, though? With her here and wanting him and pleading for him to be with her?

Turned out life specialized in curveballs that went straight for the head and jumbled up everything you believed in. He was so sure that having Poe's heart beating within his chest was something Rey could never look past. But now… now….

Ben took a deep breath. And then another. And then– "I think I need to sit down." He plopped down into the loveseat closest to him, not able to look at her. "I just… I don't think, how, or… how can I… you'll probably…"

Jesus, he was going to win all kinds of awards here for self expression, wasn't he.

Rey was doing a helluva lot better at stringing together words than he could. "You keep telling me that I'll wake up one day and regret being with you, and I… I understand why you believe that." She came to him, going to her knees. He kept his stare on his lap, eyes stinging. This was all so surreal. "I haven't done much in making you think otherwise. All I can give you is my word that I'll never leave you. I'll never want to."

When their eyes met, Ben had a thought that it wasn't man-to-woman, but human-to-human, comfort-to-pain. In her eyes was all the care and empathy that was in her heart, shining through so he could easily see it.

The tears that were filling his vision intensified, the volume on his emotional epicenter suddenly being cranked as his heart and his head were in the middle of a screaming match over what was best for him.

He was afraid.

He was confused.

He was joyous.

He was questioning.

He was….

Ben took a shaky breath. "I… I don't know."

()()()()()

This whole conversation was taking a turn Rey had not foreseen.

Before arriving in Hawaii, she'd come to the conclusion that if Ben didn't want to be with her, it would be because he was too hurt over how she had reacted to the truth. Which, okay, was the foundational problem everything was stemming off of. But to hear that Ben believed she would change her mind about him at some point down the line? That he blamed himself for what happened to Poe? That he didn't know what the point was for existing?

She was almost at a loss as to what to do. How many different ways could you tell someone you loved them? That they mattered?

She would have to make him understand till she was blue in the face. And then, somehow, bring up the idea of going to therapy that won't come off as offensive. Cause, hell, she was worried about his overall outlook on life.

Rey scooted a bit closer, but didn't touch him. She wasn't sure if he wanted her to or not. "Ben, Poe dying was never your fault. It was always going to go this way. He was always going to die and he was always going to save you. You need to know that. You need to believe it. It's okay that you're alive and he's dead."

His voice was barely a whisper. "I know."

"Then say it: 'It's okay that I'm alive and he's not.' Word for word. Say it."

His lips began to tremble. "Rey–"

"Say it."

He began weeping at that point. Just fucking lost it. Covered his face with those big hands.

Rey was surprised when she reached out and placed her palms on his knees, but she wanted to do more – and not sexually. She wanted to bring Ben down to the floor and have his head rest atop her lap. She wanted to stroke those shoulders and run her hands through his soft hair. She wanted to grab the throw blanket off of the armchair and wrap some warmth around his powerful body that seemed to be in so much despair.

He angled his torso to the side, like he didn't want her to witness him breaking down.

She heaved a great breath in, and let it out slowly. "I think your guilt over being the one alive is making it hard for you to believe me when I tell you that I will never, ever regret being with you. I'm so lucky that I found you, Ben. That a part of my brother lives within you." His hand jerked in hers as she went for it, bringing it away from his face and giving it a sufficient squeeze. "All this time, I thought I had lost something so important in my life that I didn't see that I had actually gained it back. I do have a family and I do belong somewhere and that somewhere is with you. You're my family, Ben. You're everything to me and I can't lose you again. And I won't – I can't let what we have just end, because it's so beautiful and perfect and special and I will fight to keep it alive. Because you're worth fighting for."

Rey was alarmed when he suddenly got up and went to stand in the middle of the living room. Whether he just needed to move or wanted to be away from her, she wasn't sure. It took all her self-control not to envelope him in her arms as his cries deepened, but she had to get this out.

She stood, facing him. "Take the fact that you have Poe's heart out of the equation and I would still want you and love you. And I know at this point, I'm kind of just repeating myself, but I need you to understand that you're it for me, Ben. No man I have ever met or been with compares to you. No one ever will. There's only one Ben Solo in this entire world and I need him. I will always need him."

He hiccupped, trying to get his breathing under control, wiping at his tear stained face.

"I've missed you," Rey added, chest tightening.

When he didn't immediately speak, she had a thought that she would wait forever for him to say something.

He finally locked eyes with her, voice constrained as he said, "I missed you, too. So much."

Rey felt like crying, but she held it together. "Come home, Ben."

He blinked. Rubbed his eyes. Reopened them. "Okay."

Rey didn't stop till she was mere inches from him. Up close, chest-to-breast, she was so much smaller than him, yet the effect he had on her was colossal: her blood heated, thighs tightened, and her fingers itched to touch him.

"I don't ever want to be without you again," she stated.

He sniffled, breathing out through tight lips. "Okay."

"I'll never stop wanting you. I'm never going to regret this. Do you believe me?"

"Mostly."

There was a hesitation on Rey's part before she stroked his face. Smoothed his brows. Wiped his cheeks. And then she closed the space between them and carefully pressed a kiss to Ben's lips. He didn't move, didn't react. Just stared at her, eyes an endless pit of longing and fear.

She drew back. "Stay with me," she said tightly. "Please don't leave me. Give me a chance to prove to you that all I want is you."

Ben started shaking his head, yet his eyes stuck with her. "I'm scared."

"I know," Rey said, brushing her knuckles down Ben's cheek.

Ben nuzzled into her hand. "You could ruin me. Honest to God, you could. If you change your mind, it will break me. But I… I don't want to live a life parallel to yours. I need you and I want you and I love–"

Rey closed the distance between her mouth and Ben's and kissed the ever living shit out of him. It was the kind of kiss that you remembered for the rest of your life, the connection forged with such totality that it was etched into your DNA, the feel of their skin against your own creating a newly discovered energy that was miraculously pure.

Ben kissed her back like a man who hadn't seen his lover in decades. Rey just held on, sliding her arms around him, welcoming the tongue that entered her. She could feel each crevasse of his back, each line along his perfect physique.

He fit the same against her. He felt different. Being pressed up against him, having him in her arms, it felt like the first time all over again. That moment when all your senses were in tune with the way your shoulders hit the inside of their biceps and how their palms perfectly held the back of your head and what their laundry detergent smelled like.

His hands went to her face, holding her there as the kiss grew more passionate and frenzied. Pressing up against him, she urged him onto the sofa. Rey seated herself in his lap, feeling his hardness against her core.

Such awareness was like a cold bucket of water being dumped all across her brain.

Rey abruptly put the brakes on, ending the lip lock and jumping off of him.

They were both panting, Ben's hands outstretched like they had followed her warmth before slowly resting at his side. The burn in his incredible stare was nearly enough for Rey to launch herself at him, but she refrained.

"Sorry, I…" Rey searched for words. "I didn't come here for–." Sex, her mind finished. "I didn't come here just to jump you."

Ben stared at her, not even attempting to rearrange the erection that was full blown on display beneath his shorts. "I want you," he said, voice low. "I want to feel close to you."

The words were spoken slowly and clearly and they were the one thing Rey couldn't really handle at the moment.

Ben was suddenly in front of her, a big wall of muscle that there was no way of getting around. But there was nothing intimidating about him, especially as he reached up and brushed Rey's cheek with gentle fingertips.

Rey noticed how he was trembling. "Maybe we should talk more. You're shaking."

"Am I?"

"Yeah."

"I don't care. I need this right now. I need you."

"So… that means we're back together… right?" she asked. "Like, it's official? Because… because I want to live with you and I want to have children with you and I want to grow old with you and I want everything with you, forever, until the fucking apocalypse happens. And I'll even eat salads with you and switch over to eating your whole wheat bread that has those stupid seeds in it if I have to."

Ben's eyes closed briefly before gathering Rey in an embrace that had them flush against each other. "Yes, Rey. That's exactly what this means. And you can keep eating your white bread and never eat a salad, I don't care. I just want you." He paused and breathed in deep, arms tightening around her. "God, I really am shaking, aren't I?"

"It's okay. I got you."

"I know you do. You've always had me… all of me."

As the moment breathed between them, Rey knew she had more to say, more to add to how much she loved him. Yeah, it was right on the tip of her tongue. It was right there…

… But then Ben was kissing her, slow, with meaning, and the words and the world fell away. There was still the same passion as before, but it was simmered and warm and comforting.

His mouth worked its way down to her throat, his hand on its own trajectory as it snaked downward, unbuttoning her pants and–

The groan that shot out of Rey's mouth made Ben smile, she could feel it against the skin on her neck.

"Mmmm… you're so wet." He worked one of his fingers into her, massaging nice and slow. Rey swayed and Ben kept his other arm tightly around her waist, keeping her upright. "You want me inside of you, don't you?"

His deep, delicious voice turned the syllables into a caress – something she could almost feel on her skin.

The mere idea of him being inside her was like a drug to her bloodstream, loosening her up and getting her more and more wet by the second.

She found his velvet mouth and worked it with her lips, his tongue responding in kind and dancing against her own.

Then clothes were being discarded, both helping the other out until they were skin-to-skin, nothing separating their flesh. He was lifting her, her legs wrapping around his hips–

His penetration was so swift and deep and she instantly knew she had been without him for far too long. Rey yelled out something incoherent. After that, she wasn't sure of the noises she made. Didn't even bother censoring herself.

With both hands firmly on her ass, Ben brought her down against his hard length like she weighed nothing, meeting her with his own precise thrusts. He pounded her furiously, her body clapping against his. They grunted with each impact and Rey loved the way he filled her up to almost bursting. She loved the fury of it all, straddling on the knife edge of pain, the sense that this man had the power to break her with his bare hands, but chose to use his touch to give her pleasure and love.

Ben was sweet and thoughtful and considerate and harnessed an emotional intelligence that made him a great companion. And yet, in the bedroom, he was dominating, a force in the sheets that wasn't to be denied.

Rey couldn't get enough of his dichotomy.

Then, the ride came to a sudden halt as he pulled himself out of her and her core hit his stomach.

He breathed heavily into her neck and said, "I don't want to... come yet. Want this… to last a bit longer."

Rey prompted his head up, looking into those amber eyes, seeing a depth to his vulnerability only she was allowed to see. "This could last as long or as short as you want. As long as I'm with you, I don't care."

Then Rey got down to peppering his mouth and face and neck with kisses, noticing that he had started walking them to his bedroom.

She expected him to toss her on the bed. He didn't. Instead, he eased them carefully onto the mattress, his hands gliding over her skin with such reverence that it dialed the feverish intensity down to an unhurried pace.

His touch started on her neck, shifting down to her collarbone, circling over her nipples and making them pebble. Her pussy clenched when he took one of them into his mouth, sucking and flicking it with his tongue as he rolled the other between his forefinger and thumb. Threading her fingers into his hair, she opened her legs wider to accommodate him, his hulking form covering her slender body.

She couldn't help bucking her hips up, seeking out friction. "Please," she murmured when his ministrations had started driving her absolutely mad with want. "I need…"

Ben released her with a pop. "I know what you need." He stretched up and kissed her. She felt the head of him at her entrance. "I need it, too."

He went in slowly, gently, making her tingle – and Rey instantly knew that this was something different. Something that was more about intimacy and connection rather than heat and fucking.

A moan escaped her lips, her core roaring with satisfaction, her fingers digging into his ass to somehow push him in deeper.

He froze, just staying in her for a long moment. "I love the feeling of you against me." He brushed a few stray hairs from her face, his gaze holding so much adoration that it was almost blinding. "You're so warm and tight and perfect. Like you were fucking made for me."

He kissed her and didn't stop.

When he started moving again, entering and retreating, in and out, Rey raised her hips, feeling him rubbing against her clit, pleasure coming from all different angles.

Ben's rhythm picked up toward the end, his control draining out of him, instinct taking over. But he never parted from her lips, the movement all in his hips as he kept his upper body still. He was hitting deep within her, going faster and faster, their panting growing harsher and harsher as their lips remained barely touching. Power was spreading from Rey's gut and unrolling out from there, going down her limbs to her fingers and toes.

Rey tightened all over, her thighs clenching, her pelvis tilting up to receive and to gain more friction–

An orgasm lightning'd right through her, and as if he'd been waiting for her, Ben thrust forward once, twice… and the third was what did him in.

They both stilled, their heavy breathing the only noise in the room.

Then Ben shifted and went on his back, holding onto Rey so she sprawled out on top of him. He was still inside her, still hard. They could go for another round, but her body was content with just laying there with him.

They were both still breathing deeply, heat radiating from their skin, and it was wonderful. Rey contracted her inner walls and felt his dick twitch in response. He chuckled, arms wrapping around her and kissing her hair.

Rey snuggled against his chest and–

Ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum.

This, right here, this moment, she would remember forever.

Wanting to take advantage of the quiet space around them, Rey did her best to even out her breathing, leaning her head ever so slightly to the side so she could better listen to that muscle beating steadily in Ben's chest.

Closing her eyes, a memory popped into her head:

They were waiting at their assigned gate at the Heathrow airport, all the chairs in the waiting area having been taken. Rey fiddled with the hem of her oversized shirt, twisting it between her fingers. Looking outside, she eyed the plane: the engines, the wings, and the little windows that lined the body.

She didn't want to fly. She kept imagining all the ways the plane could crash or explode.

Poe nudged her. "Hey, it's going to be okay." She nodded, not fully convinced. "You hungry?" Poe asked as he pulled out a bag of almonds and offered it to her.

Rey shook her head.

"You should eat something," Poe insisted. "Please, Rey… you're so small and I…"

She heard how his voice cracked.

She was small. According to the doctor Poe had taken her to yesterday, she was malnourished and underweight. Being eleven, she needed to start eating a well-rounded diet and taking supplements before parts of her body became permanently damaged.

She just wasn't used to eating a lot. Last week, Poe had fed her a whole ham sandwich and she threw it up within ten minutes of scarfing it down. Then she cried and expected him to get mad at her that she wasted the food. It took him an hour to get her to calm down. To convince her that he would never be angry over her getting sick to her stomach.

Rey took the snack without looking at him, tearing it open and munching one almond at a time.

He let out a long breath. "Everything is going to be better once we get back home. My apartment is small, but it'll, uh, work. I'm going to put you in my room so you can have privacy and a bed."

"I don't need a room," Rey said, voice small. "I'm used to sleeping on the couch. Or the floor. I don't want to be a burden and take away your room and your bed."

Poe went down on one knee, hands clasping onto her biceps. "I want you to listen very carefully, okay? You are not a burden to me, Rey. You are worth so much more than how Unkar's been treating you. You deserve to have a room and a bed and food."

"I can earn those–"

"There is no earning anything. You're my family, and I am going to take care of you because I am your older brother and I want you to be happy."

She bit at her lip, glanced out the window. "I'm scared."

"Of what?"

"What if Unkar finds a way to get me back and then I'll be all alone again and I won't have–"

"Unkar isn't going to come anywhere near you. He's going to be in prison for a very long time, probably for the rest of his life. And you're never going to be alone again. I won't let something like that happen. I could die and I would still find a way to be there for you. Nothing could stop me from taking care of you."

Rey sniffled and threw her arms around him, burying her face in his shoulder.

He rubbed her back and said, "I love you, kid."

"You okay?" Ben asked, bringing out from the past.

"Yeah… I'm just… listening."

"I know."

She looked up at him, her chin resting on her hands. "You think I'm going to freak out?"

His gaze on her was cautious. "The thought crossed my mind."

Her stomach grumbled, but not loud enough to be heard. Rey ignored it.

She reached out, touching the shell of his ear and down his jaw. "I'm not going anywhere, Ben. Not when all I need is right here."

Emotions flickered across his face, too fast for her to translate. He settled on a small smile. "I hope I can be enough for you."

"You are. You really are."

He grabbed a pillow and used it to prop up his head. Just feeling the vitality beneath Ben's skin, the shift of his muscle, the solidity of his bones was enough to make her relax.

"How do you like Hawaii?" he asked, making light conversation.

"From what I've seen during the car ride from the airport, it's beautiful. Everything's so green and bright. Wasn't expecting to see so many chickens running around, though."

"You haven't done anything since getting here?"

"Nope. Came straight here and waited for you in the lobby. I had other more important things to get to than sightseeing."

He chuckled a bit. "When do you fly back?"

God, Rey didn't want to think about it. She couldn't stop the wince as she said, "I booked a redeye for tomorrow."

His face fell. "That's… soon."

She sat up, straddling him around the waist. "I wasn't sure how this was going to go. And it's crunch time for the gorilla habitat. Snap has been giving me updates, and I do trust him to be in charge, it's just… it's Poe's vision and my project, you know?" Ben threaded his fingers through hers, palm to palm, holding onto her hands. "I have to see it all the way through. But I also had to come here to see you… to make things right. And hey, since we have some time to kill tomorrow, maybe we can go do something. Maybe hang out on the beach."

She thought of Poe again, how he promised to take her to Maui someday. She was so close, and yet, didn't have time to see it. Another time, she thought.

There was still a twinge of sadness in his eyes even though he smiled. "Mmm... the water is so warm here, you should feel it."

She felt a jolt of anxiety ride across her nerves. "You want me to get in the ocean?"

"That is where the water's at."

"And swim in shark infested water?"

"So... sharks aren't infesting the water, they actually live there."

"Potato, potahto." Just saying the word potato made her stomach cry out and twist with gluttonous need.

"Are you…" Ben narrowed his eyes, regarding her. "Rey, are you afraid of the ocean?"

Her eyes shifted away. "I mean… sort of, I guess. It's more like… more like I don't know how to swim and all that water makes me… anxious."

She waited for him to laugh, to mock her for being in her thirties and for not knowing how to swim.

He didn't do any of that. Instead: "How about I take you to the pool tomorrow and teach you."

"What if I drown?"

He gave her a flat stare. "You think I'd let you drown while under my supervision? I'll be right there. Nothing will happen to you, I swear."

"If you even try to be funny by letting go of me or splashing water in my face–"

"Do I look like an asshole?"

Good point.

"No. You're"–she bopped him on the nose with her finger–"a saint."

He snorted. "I wouldn't go that far." His demeanor became more serious. "Rey, you do know I won't be able to fly back with you tomorrow, right?"

"Yeah… I mean, I was hoping, but…"

Ben searched her face. "I need to talk to my boss at the zoo, tell him about everything. Then I'll need to call Kaydel, make everything right with her. I might need to stay a couple weeks till they can find someone to replace me."

"A couple weeks," she muttered. Rey held her tongue on how he hadn't given Kaydel the same courtesy. But emotions had been running high, then. Neither of them had made good decisions.

He gave both her hands a squeeze. "I know. But I am coming home. I promise."

She nodded, putting on a brave face. "We'll make the most out of tomorrow, then."

They spoke quietly for a while, Rey filling him in on the updates at the worksite, and Ben mostly telling her about all the local foods he'd eaten. He described all the different dishes in such great detail that Rey's mouth watered, her stomach twisting and demanding not to be ignored.

Rey swallowed back a wad of saliva. "So… I know this is probably going to kill the moment, but… I'm kind of hungry."

"Kind of?"

"I could eat a whole fucking cow and five chickens."

"There she is. C'mon. There's still that Panda Express left–"

Rey bounded off of him, her foot tangled in the sheet, slowing her progress. She kicked it off and darted out of the room, hearing Ben laugh in the background.

()()()()()

Ben sat next to Rey at the table, his head propped up by his hand, watching as Rey consumed the food in front of her. All the while he kept his other free hand atop her thigh, sliding it up and down her bare skin. She hadn't bothered putting on any clothes, too much in a hurry to get to the leftovers. Ben had put on his boxer briefs since he wasn't as confident as Rey to walk around in his birthday suit.

He felt so renewed as he sat there, some kind of shooting star-Disney magic going on inside of him, topped off with rainbows and butterflies and unicorns.

Up and down his palm went on her thigh, Rey showing no sign that she felt his touch. Her focus was zeroed in on the sole task of filling her belly. Ben kept touching her anyway.

It was crazy to think she was actually here. That this was real and not just a dream. That he wouldn't wake in his bed to find another long and dreary day ahead of him. Alone was another word that came to mind, but was that really true when he felt like he was being followed by the dead? Not a ghost, no, not like what those paranormal TV shows tried to prove existed. That was a load of bullshit. The hysteria that revolved around those misty entities floating up staircases or watching you from the end of a hallway or making a house creak only when it was conveniently dark was dramatically presented to get views and to make money. It was a spectacle.

And, of course, the people who ran those shows entirely missed the whole point on how the dead were still among the living.

See, the dead did haunt you, just not corporeally, instead choosing to run their cold fingers up your spine and into your head, making you remember them with a cutting clarity that minces up your grey matter. They were the last and first thought of your day, stalking you while you were awake and asleep, leaving a minefield of triggers in your path. Sometimes, they were even more a part of you than the actual living people in your life.

Which was the case with Ben when it came to Poe. Finding out that Rey's brother had been the donor had been one big-ass fucking trigger for him when it came to his guilt.

There had been a certain detachment to the whole I-have-a-new-heart situation when Ben's donor had been a faceless human being. But that ignorance was no longer playable. He had met Poe once. The guy had done his interview for the zoo a few years back. Not only was Ben now able to put a face to the dead, but he could hear Poe's voice, put a personality to facial features.

So while Ben had been lonely during the last week, he hadn't been alone. Poe was there, beating in his chest and funneling into his brain. He didn't need a dumbass TV show to prove that those dead were still with you, thank you.

Rey seemed further along the journey of reconciling the fact that what was supposed to happen, had happened.

Could Ben catch up?

Rey slurped back some water, and then got right back to finishing off the last of the shrimp.

Knowing that he was the one feeding her, taking care of her, it did things to him. "I didn't know I could be this turned on by watching you guzzle down food."

A slick smile spread across her face, dimpling her cheeks. "Do I hear a new kink forming?" She regarded the remaining food on the plate. "I could spread chow mein across your body and you can watch me eat it off of you." Her lids lowered even further, matching the huskiness of her voice. "Or even better, I could go pick up some of their orange chicken sauce, spread it on your dick, and give you a delicious blow job."

Oh, wow. That took a turn. "That sauce isn't getting anywhere near my dick. Let alone my skin."

"Relax. It will only raise your cholesterol levels if you ingest it, Ben. I'm surprised you don't know that with being a vet." She winked, teasing him. "But just think how enthusiastic I'd be while sucking you off."

Ben chuckled, shaking his head. "You have an unhealthy addiction to Panda's orange chicken sauce. You might need help."

Rey put on a show of acting affronted. "Oh, yeah? Well you have an unhealthy relationship with…" she was searching for a word, "with kale."

Ben arched an amused brow. "Kale is not unhealthy."

"Says who?"

"Science."

She raised her nose at him. "Well, science kicked my homeboy Pluto out of our planetary system, so forgive me if I don't believe everything they say."

She went back to scarfing down the last few bites, fighting back a smile.

He leaned forward, getting close to her ear, whispering, "You're a weirdo."

Those hazel eyes swung around to him. "Your weirdo."

"My weirdo." He kissed her, faintly tasting Chinese food on her lips. When he stood, he hooked his arm under her legs and around her back, surprising her with how quickly he picked her up.

"What are you–"

"Gotta tuck you into bed now that your hunger has been satisfied," he told her, going for the bedroom.

"What about dessert… maybe some cream," she practically purred.

"Later. We have time. You should rest."

"I don't need to–"

"Rey. Sweetheart." Placing her on the bed, he stretched the comforter over her body and up to her chin. "You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, but the bags under your eyes have me concerned."

She groaned like she was a five year old, sticking out her lower lip. "Fine. But you have to hold me."

"I think I can manage that."

He climbed in under the blanket, situating Rey's back against his front, enveloping her in the confines of his arms. With her head resting on his bicep, she let out a content sigh.

Ben nuzzled some of her hair out of his face with his nose as he tentatively asked, "Were you… really not doing well after I left?"

It took her a second to answer. "No, I wasn't. I really just stayed in bed for, like, four days. Basically melted into the mattress."

"And you didn't eat much? Didn't sleep?" Rey shook her head. "I'm sorry. I didn't think learning about the letter and your brother would hit you so hard that you would…"

"It's not your fault. Ben, it really isn't. But I wasn't just shocked over the news, I was grieving over losing you. It actually became less about Poe and more about you as the days went on."

"I was a wreck, too, you know."

"But you actually put your big boy pants on and kept going. Even moved here and went to your job. I… couldn't even do that. And I'm on a fucking deadline over here."

His lips left a soft kiss on her cheek. "You're already looking better after eating."

She wiggled her rear against him, trying to meld perfectly against his body. "I'm feeling a lot better."

"And if you think I'm going to stop forcing you to eat food, you're wrong. Seeing your ribs protruding through your skin..." He let that sentence taper off, not knowing if it was something appropriate to say.

But Rey didn't seem upset. "Hey, the moment I got you back, my appetite came back in full force. I'll gain the weight back in no time."

"Yeah, but… it just worries me that you couldn't eat, though. Eating is, like, what you're most passionate about in life."

"I can't really pick and choose the symptoms of depression, Ben."

"Yeah… yeah, I know," he murmured.

Rey gave his arm a squeeze. "How are you feeling?"

"Way better now that you're here."

"You've been taking your meds?"

"Yes. I would never disregard taking those. I owe it to your brother to take care of his heart."

"His heart…." Turning in his embrace, she stroked his hair. His face. His shoulders. Then, with gentle fingers, she skimmed his scar from the top, all the way to just below his sternum. "It's your heart now, Ben. I think you should start looking at it that way."

"Probably." She was going to argue with him over it, he could tell with how her expression firmed. Ben spoke before she could get the chance. "I was thinking, since you weren't able to make it to my doctor's appointment last time, you can come to one of the next ones. I know you were wanting to officially meet her and ask her some questions."

There was a pause. One that was longer than normal.

"Yes," Rey said, holding out the 's' longer than normal. "That's right. I was wanting to go to an appointment with you."

Ben frowned. "Unless, you don't want to anymo–"

"No, no, no, no. I'd love to go." She laughed awkwardly, patting both his pecs with her palms. "Gotta make sure you're being well taken care of. That you stay big and strong."

"Dr. Kalonia is the best cardiologist and heart surgeon in the state. You can imagine how much research my mother did when finding me a doctor."

"I bet Leia wasted no resources. But…uh… about Dr. Kalonia." Rey adjusted her body so they were more eye level. "I should probably tell you that she was my brother's doctor that night of the accident… the one who told me he was brain dead and about him being an organ donor and everything." Rey cleared her throat. "Small world, huh?"

Ben blinked… and stared… and needed a moment to absorb exactly what Rey had just told him.

Rey's eyes shifted ever so slightly to the left. "Yeah…so... remember the night your parents got engaged..."

As she let that drift, Ben realized where that sentence had been going. "Holy shit." The wheels were turning, gears clicking into place. "Harter was there. She came and… oh my God, that's why you left suddenly, isn't it?"

"I just freaked out. Started remembering everything."

"Fuck, Rey." And then he couldn't stop touching her arms, her face, her hair. "Forget coming with me to meet her. I wouldn't want to put you in a situation like–"

"No, I'll go." She grabbed his hands, stilling them and holding onto them tightly. "I'll go. I actually think I should go and see her. She's a part of your life, Ben, and so am I. I should somehow move past the negative feelings I have toward her. I mean, she was just being a doctor that night and doing her job. And she saved you."

"But Poe–"

"It was his time. But it wasn't yours. Do you believe that?"

He exhaled, closing his eyes. "I'm trying."

"I'll help you get there."

Dragging himself out of his own survivor's guilt was like trying to drag a car out of a ditch, the effort it took being tremendous, the progress he made inch by slow inch.

But he didn't have to do it alone anymore. Rey was here. An extra pair of hands.

"You know," he breathed out, "with all this stuff coming to light, it's hard to ignore just how connected we are."

She nodded. "I know. My dad knowing yours, your mum helping my brother, you receiving a heart from Poe, Kalonia being the doctor for both of you. Even Poe being a donor match for you is crazy. You guys lived in the same city."

Something itched at the back of his mind, something about Kylo Ren that pertained to Rey. Almost like it was a dream he couldn't remember. But Ben couldn't quite see it, so he left it for another time.

"You're forgetting another thing that brought us together," he told her.

"What?"

"Me loving you, and you loving me. That's what it all led to."

She touched his upper lip. "It was a rollercoaster to get here."

Like a pledge, Ben said, "One I would gladly ride again."

Rey brought Ben's knuckles to her mouth, brushing a kiss against them. In the silence that followed, Rey gave herself up to sleep, letting herself fall into unconsciousness. It was a while before Ben could join her, his mind going through all the dots that connected him to Rey.

There were a lot of dots. Like, a suspiciously good amount of them. Because of that, Ben couldn't stop the thought that possibly, maybe, everything had turned out exactly as it was meant to be.

Rey softly snored against his chest, and he smiled.

A/N

Another chapter done, a couple more to go! I'm thinking maybe two? Might be three. A few more loose ends I want to tie up. Thanks for reading and sticking with this story!